Tuesday, July 28, 2009

A newer new Normal

"Glory Baby, You slipped away As fast as we could say baby, baby. You were growing, what happened Dear,You disappeared on us baby, baby. Heaven will hold you before we do Heaven will keep you safe Until we're home with you, Until we're home with you" Glory Baby- By Watermark.

I was only 5 to 6 weeks pregnant when I miscarried. It was going to be our fourth child. We had already lost a daughter at 9 days old to Trisomy 13. We were not planning for the pregnancy but felt blessed, hopeful, and a little timid none the less.
I was worried what people might think about me being pregnant for three years in a row. I thought maybe we were a little bit crazy to have another child so soon.... and yet I still felt so happy and blessed.
I was getting ready for work in the morning when it happened. I noticed a little bit of bleeding. I got very scared and very sad in the matter of seconds and I had a good guess of what was going to occur. The truth is that I didn't think it could happen to me. I thought that surely, since I had already had one child die, I wouldn't lose a baby to a miscarriage.... a baby I would never get to see or hold in my arms. I just though my body was so tough it would carry a baby, no matter how sick, because it had already carried Faith with Trisomy 13.
It is silly to make assumptions. Experiencing one tragedy does not exempt us in life from another.
I chose natural miscarriage over medical management and it took a month to complete. During that entire month I retreated into my shell. I just didn't feel like myself. I was fairly successful at putting on a face and even convincing myself at times that it was fine and didn't affect me much but it was incredibly difficult.
I cried out to God during this time and he heard my cries. Slowly, God repaired my body and then he repaired my heart. I slowly came out of my fog and began to feel normal again. It is a new normal now. The normal of a woman with two scars on her heart, one for each of her children that is not here to be held in her arms.

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