Tuesday, July 28, 2009

A newer new Normal

"Glory Baby, You slipped away As fast as we could say baby, baby. You were growing, what happened Dear,You disappeared on us baby, baby. Heaven will hold you before we do Heaven will keep you safe Until we're home with you, Until we're home with you" Glory Baby- By Watermark.

I was only 5 to 6 weeks pregnant when I miscarried. It was going to be our fourth child. We had already lost a daughter at 9 days old to Trisomy 13. We were not planning for the pregnancy but felt blessed, hopeful, and a little timid none the less.
I was worried what people might think about me being pregnant for three years in a row. I thought maybe we were a little bit crazy to have another child so soon.... and yet I still felt so happy and blessed.
I was getting ready for work in the morning when it happened. I noticed a little bit of bleeding. I got very scared and very sad in the matter of seconds and I had a good guess of what was going to occur. The truth is that I didn't think it could happen to me. I thought that surely, since I had already had one child die, I wouldn't lose a baby to a miscarriage.... a baby I would never get to see or hold in my arms. I just though my body was so tough it would carry a baby, no matter how sick, because it had already carried Faith with Trisomy 13.
It is silly to make assumptions. Experiencing one tragedy does not exempt us in life from another.
I chose natural miscarriage over medical management and it took a month to complete. During that entire month I retreated into my shell. I just didn't feel like myself. I was fairly successful at putting on a face and even convincing myself at times that it was fine and didn't affect me much but it was incredibly difficult.
I cried out to God during this time and he heard my cries. Slowly, God repaired my body and then he repaired my heart. I slowly came out of my fog and began to feel normal again. It is a new normal now. The normal of a woman with two scars on her heart, one for each of her children that is not here to be held in her arms.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

The Terrible Two's

My sweet, beautiful, darling daughter Olivia recently turned one. For the first 10 months of her life she was laid back, calm, loving, and absolutely an easy baby.
One day that all changed.
It started with an insert of independence into our normal daily routine. She flipped over at a diaper change. Gradually, she began to flip over at each diaper change. Then she started flipping over and trying to crawl away. Then she began to twist and pout and try with all her might to get away at each diaper change, rolling over again and again. It is a miracle that her diaper even gets fastened sometimes.
She has found other ways to try to insist on her independence from refusing to allow us to dress her to fighting us as we brush her hair or put on her shoes( which end up kicked off somewhere in the house, the car, the ground, the store, who KNOWS where she will toss them next!) She throws all out temper tantrums - throwing her body backwards onto the ground, arching her back, and stamping her little feet into the ground. She has this last move down to a science and it is no longer a left foot/right foot alternation. She lifts both legs high into the air and slams them down to the ground at the same time. I swear I once saw the move on the WWF. It is a move that would make Hulk Hogan proud.
Honestly, I dont know where this child came from!

But yet I do.

You see, for all the things that Olivia insists on doing herself or doing her way... none of them are things that she has the skill or capacity to do herself right now. Yes, she could manage to get a cherrio from the high chair to her mouth but she can't get the cereal from the cabinet, she can't change her own diaper(she couldnt even open the diaper cream lid!) She can't dress herself, comb her hair, put on her shoes, or even walk well for that matter( I just know someday soon she is going to get that one down! Please! Walk!!!!) Olivia is trying so hard to do life HER way and yet, she could not successfully sustain life that way. And I can see a reflection of myself in her behavior, spiritually speaking.

She is absolutely and positively on the beginning edge of what many affectionately refer to as the terrible twos. As I watch her act out and think about her behavior, I cant help but ponder at what point in my life I went through the terrible twos with God, spiritually speaking. I would like to think I am past that point in my life and have matured enough spiritually that I dont act out in such a childish manner. But some days, I may be wrong about that assumption. I still have days that I try to be so self driven and independent of outside direction(even from God) and I havent seemed to learn that I cant survive independently without God in my life.
I have to ask myself- am I in my spiritual terrible twos? And can I ever outgrow them?

Monday, July 20, 2009

The Soundtrack of Life

I love music.

I love the beat of it, the melody of it, the elaborate composition that creates a song or a piece. I love the way so many instruments and notes can come together and make a harmonious sound. And I love the simplicity of it too.... the delicate shivers I can receive from just one lone fine note.(insert image of a single harmonica note played at a campfire in the desert at night)
I love the way it can make me feel as happy as a lark... and as alone as the nightingale.

Music helps me to stimulate thought and to slow down my thinking when there is too much going on in my head. It has been my constant companion over the last three years during my long commutes. It has helped me to delight in old memories, get pumped up for a long day, and remember and grieve for my daughter. Music has been a release for me like no other in recent months.

There is just something about just the right song isn't there? You know... THE song. The one that you have been listening to on your radio( or Ipod for you technologically savvy folks) over and over again in the last few weeks. It does something, touches an emotion or thought somewhere inside us.
For me, it makes me feel alive.
It also helps me to connect deeply at times with our Savior.
I can lift up my voice and my vulnerable heart to God with the loudest song or softest whisper... and as the music pours over me I know that He is listening.
And sometimes in the song.....He is speaking.

As often as I stumble upon a new song that quickly gets added to my playlist, I am just as often seeking out songs that I have heard in the past and know I will love..... and secretly adding them to my own personal playlist... you know.... The Soundtrack of my life.
I am not ashamed to admit that I will often (and I do mean often becuase I spend hours upon hours in the car with the radio and my ipod:) hear a new song or an old song and have an Aha! moment as to how that song will fit into or define my life. The writer in me is always dying to tell a story( even an average one, tsk, tsk) and is always looking for ways to accent and articulate the essence of the story. Sometimes, when I hear a song I know just the moment or memory in my life that it will define.
The Soundtrack of my life is an ever evolving list. I dont think that it will ever stop growing or changing.
And this is the beauty of it.
There is always another moment of life to create and always another song to define it.

My Life soundtrack includes songs from Creedence Clearwater Revival, MercyMe, Caedmon's Call, Dixie Chicks, and Aerosmith to name a few... there might even be a song in there from New Kids on the Block. :)

Do you have a soundtrack to your life? And if so, what is it?

Friday, July 17, 2009

I love my..............

I love my...........

Ed Hardy Perfume!

One of the ladies I work with on occasion has a habit of spraying perfume on in the back of the store just before her shift starts. This week, for the second time, I caught a wiff of Ed Hardy perfume.
Let me preface this to say that I am not much of a perfume gal. It is really hard to find scents that work well with my chemical makeup that don't end up smelling too floral or "old ladyish".
My last perfume favorite prior to 2009 was Tribu in 1994. I tend to stick with body sprays from Bath and Body Works.
Once I caught my second wiff of the Ed Hardy Perfume I was hooked! I thought about it all week and while I was in the city yesterday I took a detour by the mall to get some Godiva Chocolate truffles( my favorite) and stopped by the Lancome counter at Macy's. I don't get out much. Really. Not for myself anyways, so this was a very nice treat. As I was ringing up my Mascara, I asked the cashier if she could sell me a bottle of perfume at her counter or if I needed to visit that counter when we were done. She was more than happy to do so and escorted me over to the Ed Hardy fragrances. We both tried out the scents and oohed and awwed over which of our arms smelled better. I settled on the Love & Luck. I LOVE IT!!!!!!!
Just a few months back I discovered another perfume that I also fell in love with while shopping for a mothers day gift for my MIL.
Its called Unconditional Love by Philosophy ( it was next to a perfume named Grace which is what drew my attention in the first place.) It is a sweeter fragrance than Ed Hardy, but just as delicious.
It would seem that 2009 is my year to smell good :) I know that will make my co workers happy when we are working in close proximity .

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Letter to my Daughter

Dearest Faith,

How hard it is to believe that it has been 2 years since I held you in my arms and told you goodbye. I can still remember what your soft silky skin felt like. You were so tiny I could cup your whole body in my hands. I used to rest one palm on your curled up feet or bottom and the other across your chest and ribs. It was the closest I was allowed to get to craddling you in my arms while you were on the ventilator. I would sing to you every song I could think of and you would relax at the sound of my voice. You especially liked to hold onto your daddy's finger tip- your little grip on him was so slight, but as tight as could be.
On the day you died I could tell that you were so tired. So very very tired. I knew in my heart that it was time for you to go but my heart was breaking that it was so.
Your daddy and I cradled you in our arms as you drifted away. We whispered in your ear how much we loved you, kissed your cheeks, your eyes, your little tiny chin.( just like dad, you had that stubborn chin)
You departed so softly and quietly, as if you were tiptoed up to heaven.

I still wonder everyday what life would be like if you were here. I am often asked by people I meet how many children I have and I never hesitate to mention all three of my children- the two that are here on earth and my tiny red headed angel that lives with God in heaven.
We talk about you all the time in our home. Ethan asks questions about you and your life and death. He tells me that he wishes he could see you. Each night when we say our prayers we thank God for you.
I do thank God for you. I thank God for choosing me to be your mom and for allowing me to be the one to care for you for the few days you were here. I thank God for allowing me to shelter you in my womb until it was time for you to be born. I will continue to carry you in heart, wherever I go, whatever I do.

I love you my sweet girl.
Yours forever and ever,

Thursday, July 09, 2009

Happy Birthday Olivia!!!!!

We celebrated Olivia's 1st birthday today!!! We took a trip to Oklahoma City to have her one year portraits done( they look gorgeous! can't wait to get them in and post) and to check out the lego store.

Thursday evening Olivia had her very first cake!!!! She opened a few presents from Mommy, Daddy, Ethan, and Grandma.

It is so hard to believe that one year has already passed!!!!

Happy Birthday O, Livie, Livia, Liv, Livers, my Toothy Ruthy, Olive Juice, Missy Moo, Sis, Olivia Lou!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What is this?
Check it out
This is pretty cool!

She dug a hole in the middle of the cake

That was fun! What's next????

Friday, July 03, 2009

we lift our eyes to the heavens

"I see Your face in every sunriseThe colors of the morning are inside Your eyesThe world awakens in the light of the dayI look up to the sky and say You’re beautiful" Beautiful, Phil Wickham

We celebrated Faith's birthday this year with dignity and grace. Two years ago, on this day, she entered the world with a kittens cry announcing her arrival. She was a tiny thing, 3 lbs, 2 oz, 14 inches long.

We were joined by a few family and friends and had cake in her memory and retreated to her garden in the front yard at Twilight to sing Happy Birthday as we lifted up sparklers towards Heaven to salute her.

We love you baby girl! Happy birthday! You are beautiful!!!

Happy Birthday Faith!!!

Today is Faith's second birthday. We will be doing a few special things to remember and celebrate her life today.

Here are two letters for Faith from her Grandpa Al and Grandma Angie which they sent to me on Thursday to make sure we got them in time for Faith's special day.

Dear Faith,

On this special day as we all gather together to celebrate your Birthday I want you to know that I miss you very much...We know that someday we will be together again as our walk in this life comes to an end. Yours was just allot shorter than ours. I just want you to know that you are a very special gift from God and being able to be with you has impacted my life in so many ways. I know that you are with Jesus and the Angels and they are taking very good care of you. I remember holding your tiny little hand and I rember how hard you fought to stay with us. Baby Faith Happy Birthday. I love you and miss you sweety. We will be togather some day..I love you so much!!!Grampa Owl

Dear Faith,

I remember so vividly the day you were born. There were so many family members and friends at the hospital that we had our own waiting room. Everyone was so excited we could hardly wait for you to be brought into this world. And then we got the wonderful news, you were here and you were breathing on your own. We all clapped and were hugging each other and thanking the good Lord above for you. One by one we all got to finally see your sweet little face. You were so beautiful. You had the tiniest little fingers and toes. For the next 9 days mommy and daddy never left you and family and friends came to visit with you. We did not want to let you go but Jesus needed a sweet beautiful angel. Faith you are forever in my heart and I wish you a happy birthday. I love you very much.Grandma Angie

Thursday, July 02, 2009


err..............Vacation:). Cliff and I started our vacation today and will not be returning to work until July 14th! During our time on Hiatus from our normal routine we will celebrate Faiths Birthday, Celebrate Olivia's Birthday, have a garage sale, take a trip to Tulsa, experience Faith's angel date, and of course spend lots of time with the kids and each other.