Wednesday, May 19, 2010

A box full

Tonight, we learned that we can fit 11 people in our 6 person storm cellar. Six adults, Five kids(at least one of them screaming his head off too). We have been here 4 years, 3 tornado seasons, and this was the first time we actually had to take a trip down into the cellar. But everytime we have a storm, just to be safe, we put together a laundry basket of items to take into the cellar. Water, blankets, snacks, flashlights, diapers...
Tonight, as I hurried to make our basket and found out some neighbors would be joining us, all I could think about were the items that we have of Faith's that could be swept away in a tornado. I could kick myself that we hadn't bought a security lock box for them yet. I scrambled to grab her things and place them into a small cardboard box to take down to the shelter just in case.
I slid her memorial album in, her picture album, and the tupperware shoebox that has all the things that were hers at the hospital- her ID bracelet, her blanket, her unused micro preemie diapers, a clipping of her hair, and a caste of her footprints.
After the storm was over and the box was sitting on my kitchen table, I walked passed it several times as the evening wore on and I thought," I can fit all of my baby's belongings in a little cardboard box."

MY Baby.



I wanted more. A lifetime of memories and momentos. A room full that I would have to pack up when she moved away to college or to get married. Things I could drag out to show her children when they stayed the night. I want her drawings to hang on my fridge. I want her clothes to fill a closet in the extra bedroom. I want a toothfairy box with her first tooth. I want to step on her toys in the dark in the middle of the night. I want to take her tightly in my arms and hug her and whisper " I love you" and I want to feel her breathing against my chest. I want her to call for mommy over and over again from the other room while I try to just finish putting on my makeup.


Hope Less..... Hope More

Depression is an unpredictable thing. It can come at a time that you can expect it- after tragedy, loss, heartache, sorrow.... and it can come at the time that you least expect it- when life is busy, full, overflowing,.... blessed.
The last few months have been a rocky road for me. Sometime over the course of this vast winter I found myself in very pit of the belly of depression. I don't have one giant trigger that set it off.... rather, a multitude of smaller triggers that both stung me and overcame me in a way I hadn't expected. I have faced bigger more painful things in more desperate times....
but this winter my heart and my mind refused to listen as I tried to remind myself that my life is blessed, my life is full, and that I should be full of joy instead of sorrow.
Hopelessness is a scary word. But it is an accurate description of the hollowness I have felt in my heart over these last months.
I have been absent in writing and hesitant to share my sorrows and burdens here because depression is both debilitating and embarrassing. Its just not something that is easy to share... and if I ever did reach a day that I thought I could share it with the world wide web, I certainly didnt have the energy to sit down and write about it.
Because I am a christian, I recognize that my hope in Christ should be enough to have strength through even the darkest periods of my life and it has been embarrassing to me to know that my mind and my heart made me feel otherwise.
I have been doing lots of reading, lots of soul searching, and have humbled myself to the point of seeking professional help and thankfully, it's helping.
I am so thankful for the friends and family that have been praying for me and reaching out to me during this time. For their kind words of encouragement, for listening to me pour out my fears and anxieties, and for encouraging me to take care of myself so that I could get better for my family and for myself. I am thankful for my kind husband who sat with me evening after evening as I cried and held my hand and listened to my sorrow. A man who encouraged me each morning to get up, to get moving and sent me on my way each day armed with a warm cup of coffee. I am also thankful for a God who listens, who comforts, and who cares about my every need. A God who is there even when I refuse to see him.

Regardless of how I change, he is always constant.... and he is always always holding on... even when I have been overcome with hopelessness and let go.
David Crowder says it best as he sings " When waters rise and hope had flown, oh my soul. In Joy and pain, sun and rain, you're the same, oh you never let go. Perfect love that never lets go"

I am so thankful that he never lets go.