Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Confessions and Thoughts

I just finished a deep conversation with a friend that has spurred many thoughts and built upon others....
Guilt can be such a tricky thing. A friend and I were in deep conversation tonight and it spurred an entire conversation( which has been an ongoing conversation over the last few months) about guilt and its purpose. Maybe you are the kind of person that can easily place guilt and blame on your surroundings- other people- other things- but never you.... or perhaps you are one of the truly clairvoyant who can place guilt and blame upon its rightful owner at every turn... sometimes its you, sometimes its another, sometimes it just an odd set of coincidences. But you know where the truth lies, you accept it and move on..............Or perhaps you are like me. The kind of person that puts the weight of every interaction on your shoulders. It is my fault that so-in-so is unhappy. I havent been a good friend, I havent been a good wife, I am not a good mom. I yell too much, I dont call my friends enough, I dont work hard enough when I am at the office..... and so on and so forth.As a strength, those that tend to place guilt upon themselves in this fashion tend to be uber responsible for the things that are placed in their lives ... this may not be seen from an outward persepective... but it is an internal responsibility and attachment that is felt. But in weakeness, guilt can reck havoc on our physical, mental, and spiritual well being. In the most recent months I have felt extreme guilt and worry about Faith and why she died. And in my mind I know that I was not responsible for her death... but that doesnt stop me from thinking about and conjuring up every possible thing that I could have done or could not have done to make me responsible for her death. I have been through both physical, emotional, and spiritual reasons that I feel could have lead to the turn of events we have recently gone through. It is probably one of the most overwelming feelings and roadblocks that God is working on in my life right now. It is something I seek God's face for a lot. It is something that at times puts me to sleep with tears, makes me physically ill with worry, and overshadows the best of my days with darkness. Guilt can be a tricky thing...

Monday, November 12, 2007

November 12 2007- Four Months

Dearest Faith,
Today it has been 4 months since you departed this earth. I have thought so much today of the many things you taught me in your short stay here and how you have changed my life. Always before me in every action or deed I now have a deep and overwelming motivation to give of myself completely and whole heartedly. You taught me that. I watched you struggle and fight for life every moment that you were here. You gave every once of your strength to live and BREATHE! There have been moments in my sorrow that I thought to hold back my heart or dare not to hope for things to come becuase I was afraid that my hopes would fall. Dearest Daughter you taught me that hopes always go up, but do not always come down... and weither I hold back or passionately embrace each day, life still moves forward, joys and sorrows still come, and with God's compassion and strength I can continue on.I used to think sweet girl, that it was cowardly to fear. You have taught me that fears may be always there, but the important thing is to stand up and face my fears. I will go through my life looking my fears in the face. God has used your life to show me that even in the darkest of times He is ever with me and before me, guiding me with His right hand.It is my hope that someday I will be as brave and passionate and fierce as you were in your 9 days here. I can't wait to see you again! I miss you so!I will continue to breathe deeply!