Friday, September 28, 2007

whats next?

As a parent we desire to take all of our childrens hurts and wipe them away.... to fix what ails them, to nurse them through sickness. It starts from the day they are born, changing dirty diapers, rocking them when they cry. It is a hug and a kiss for the first time they bump their head as they are learning to walk. A bandaid on their first skinned knee. We read them a ton of books or bring them a bowl of ice cream when they are sick in bed, or lay beside them patting their back as they drift off to sleep. It is a comforting word and an encouragement the first time they get called a name in school. Or maybe its financial help and a place to stay when they get into trouble as a teen or adult.Maybe for some it comes in the form of sitting beside them for hours on end as they recover from a nasty break or illness, or making difficult decisions in their medical care becuase we want to give them every chance there is without allowing them to suffer too much.But what happens when it isnt enough? When there comes the point as a parent that we can do no more? What happens when a kiss and a hug, a bowl of ice cream, or all the medical care in the world can't take away the pain for our loved one? What do we do next when there is no action in the world that we can take to save a life? The life of our child? What comes next? What do we do as parents if the time comes for us to say good-bye? And what do we do when that time has past, and our child is gone, with the feelings we still have to fix their hurts?
Dear Lord, I think so often of Mary as she watched her son suffering on the cross. I understand her great sorrow in watching her son drift away before her eyes. I dont know what to do with all of these desires I have to care for Faith. I continually wonder if there was anything more I could do for her. Lord I know that your ways are just, that you are a caring and compassionate God. I know I may never know why Faith couldnt be healed but the hurt is there none the less. God please help to heal my broken heart. Give me solace in the shelter of your arms.

Sunday, September 23, 2007


Dearest Daughter,
Your dad and I finally ordered prints of all your photos this weekend. I was surprised and happy to see that we had over 300 shots of you. Of course, many of these are under the billi lights, and all of them before your death are in your special incubator, but I cherish them none the less. There were so many little things I forgot, and that made me sad. Did you know we got to watch you graduate? In the Nicu your nurses rolled tiny strips of gauze into teeny tiny 'diplomas' and placed one in each of your curled fists for you to hold on to. You looked so sweet holding your baby diplomas in each hand. It signified to me that you had graduated into life. I was so proud! They also rolled a baby recieving blanket into a bed buddy for you and you would cuddle it all day long. They would wrap your little arms and legs around it to help comfort you as you lay in your little cocoon. Your hands were so small, daddy could barely get all of your fingers to curl around just one of his. You always seemed to hold tight when he reached in. I am so sad that I never got to hold you in my arms until you were already slipping away- but do you remember when I would "cuddle" you with my hands? I would sing lullabye after lullabye as I held my hands around you. I remember how it felt to hold my hands to your warm little body and breathe in your baby smell. The nurses were so kind and gentle with you. They let me help as much as possible in your care. I got to change your wee little diapers and take your temperature.I have a picture of me holding up one of your diapers. It is SO tiny in the photo, but on you it was so BIG! What a tiny thing you were! Oh how I miss you Faith! Daddy and Big Brother do too! Ethan tells us everyday that he misses you. He loves to visit your grave and leave flowers and gifts for you.Today he asked to lay in your crib. He just rested there for awhile, looking at your baby mouse. He insisted on using your baby pillow instead of the big one I put in there for his head to rest upon. Lots of hugs and kisses! And many sweet lullabyes! I will go to sleep thinking of you and hoping that we can meet again in my dreams. I love you!

Always and Forever,

Wednesday, September 19, 2007


Dear Faith,
What a day! Everything seemed so topsy turvy and it felt like I couldnt quite get anything right. In my angst( another word I have borrowed from your dear Aunt Fawn) I thought of the moment of your birth. I remember so clearly the feelings of fear and hope that I would get to meet you. As the days drew closer to your birth, I knew that each day that passed brought another chance that I would not meet you. The odds were great that you would die in utero, and as time stretched on the odds were stacking against you. I tried and tried to brace myself for your arrival. Tried not to get my hopes up that I would hear you cry. This of course I have learned is an uncontrolable thing- hopes always go up :) But they do not always get let down. It took a few minutes after birth, but you were crying and breathing! Miracle of miracles! Baby Girl you lived for 9 days! Precious days that didnt last long enough! I am so thankful for you! What a gift the Lord has given me in you! I would not trade those days for anything except more days with you!I miss you!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Tuesday, September 18, 2007


Life is but a breathe.Life is short. I am changing that saying - it is now, Life is infinitesimal.

in·fin·i·tes·i·mal /??nf?n?--t?s?m?l/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[in-fin-i-tes-uh-muhl] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
indefinitely or exceedingly small; minute: infinitesimal vessels in the circulatory system. ..>
immeasurably small; less than an assignable quantity: to an infinitesimal degree

Monday, September 03, 2007

2nd Month Birthday

My Dearest Faith,
We are at the dawn of your 2 month birthday. I still think of you everyday, all day. It is hard to believe that it has been 2 months since the day we welcomed you into this big wide world, one of the most precious and cherished days of my life. In fact, the 9 days we had with you are the happiest and saddest days of my life. It makes me sad as each day passes that I am moving another day farther from the time I got to hold you in my arms, and yet, I am stepping one day closer to the day when I will be reunited with you in Heaven. How is that for bittersweet?I met another little girl today with your name. It made me wonder what you would have been like when you reached the age of 8, just as she was. You are and forever will be a great mystery dear daughter. I sometimes grow angry that I will never get to know the deep turns and folds of your personality, never get to watch you grow older, never get to brush your hair, to laugh and play games- just as I do with your older brother Ethan. But that list of wishes and wants for you is endless and will always be left unquenched and wanting.Your brother talks about you everyday. He still asks to see you and he delights in visiting 'your spot' in the cemetary. He loves to bring flowers to place there and likes to play with all of your little girl and angel figurines. Just yesterday he dug through his toys and set up a Giraffe family with his plastic figurines. We were all there( mommy, daddy, ethan- in giraffe form of course) and he even sent Grandma digging for the tiny baby one - "for Fabe" as he calls you. His acknowledgement and acceptance of you into our family both soothes and breaks my heart. It soothes me becuase you so obviously belong there and I dont want your place ever forgotten, but it breaks my heart because he never got time to know you. He just has so much love for you.Your daddy and I talk about you everyday too. You are never far from our thoughts. We talk about the ways that your presence in our life has changed us and how much you have inspired us to be better people and to make a difference. Did you know your life has given us so much hope and strength for each day we will face and the people we can choose to be? I still cry out for you. I hope you hear and know how very much I love you so.You are such a blessing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!