It was a feeling that had been coming on for weeks. An achy unsettling down deep in my bones. Like a tornado on the horizon or piles and piles of rain and wind approaching- I could feel that ache so deep that it made me feel off kilter.
I asked her if she was really leaving. She asked me what made me think it was so? I told her I got that feeling and that feeling was never wrong. She sighed and said " I think you are right, Mic."
Fastforward 2 weeks. The day is yet approaching. Only signs on the horizon but no storm yet in sight. I still feel it in my bones.... its more unsettling now than before, like an electric chill running up my spine it leaves me chilled.
She contacts me and says she is headed out of town. She is worried becuase she recieved a message from her grandma and her grandma had planned to come for a visit. She is sad because her grandma hasn't visited in years and Neemaw's voice sounded vulnerable on the phone.
I told her that Neemaw could feel it too......... The woman who had raised her wrapped up in her arms filled with love and wisdom, sweat and tears knew the storm was acomin'.
If Neemaw and I both feel it, does that make it true?
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Ramblings of MicaylaEpisode 1,998Tonight I put together the kids Easter Basket. This is one of the things I look forward to most during the Holidays- the stocking at Christmas, the candy and tokens of love at Valentines day, the basket at Easter. My mom always put so much thought into my own as a child... pouring her love for me into the arrangement and sentiment of the gift that I have been inspired by her to do the same for my own children.I spend days in thought and on more than one trip to the store to find just the right items. I never want to spend too much. I want the gift to be thoughtful and delightful but not showy and materialistic.This year I put together a basket for all of my kids. This was the hard part. Its the hard part at every holiday. I am reminded of all the things I do for Ethan and now Olivia- that I dont do for Faith. I think after almost 2 years those feelings would go away- those feelings of needing to do things for her- but they don't. Instead of covering over that feeling this year for Easter I took extra care to make a special basket for Faith with different items... Items that help me to pour out my love for her, something to take the aching out of my arms that still want to hold her.It was a joyful moment... filling those baskets, arranging the treats and toys, imagining the excitement on my children's face in the morning. It was a sad moment..... thinking of the one little face that I won't get to see.Holidays, they are so bittersweet for me, for us, for our family. Cliff and I are working hard not to transfer our hurts and saddness during this time to our children, to try to make these holidays special and delightful for them. It is easier in many ways, to make new traditions, to do things differently now then we did before we had her.We stay closer to our own home, where we have the freedom to nurse our hurts, slip out to the cemetary to lay flowers on Faith's grave, have a quiet moment alone, or sit and hug our little ones a little tighter, love on them a little longer...... and there in lies that happy part again. That dull ache in my chest for my absent girl reminds me of my fierce love for Ethan and Olivia, reminds me of the joy of their presence, makes my love for them bloom deeper......