Precious little one

Today was the due date of the precious baby that we lost to miscarriage back in November at 11 1/2 weeks. Leading up to today, the last few weeks have been a little bit sad for me as I have watched several people around me welcome their new little ones into their families. It reminds me of the little one that I dont have to hold in my arms right now... the sleep that I am still gloriously blessed with each night, the simplicity of feeding an almost 2 year old and a 5 year old who can hold their own forks, the baby gear and bottles that will remain packed away.... but I tell you that seeing those little ones be born is a blessing and a balm to my aching heart. What a precious and wonderful gift life is- a true miracle to be celebrated! If not for Cliff and I to welcome another baby into our family, then dear Lord, please let that blessing rain down on others!
Life is so full for us that sometimes it feels that the loss of that baby, whom I named Evin, is a world away. The sadness is there, in small waves it seaps in, but the fullness and blessing of our life today fills me up and although I have loss, I HAVE GAIN.
My good friend Tami reminded me some months ago that Ethan has Olivia to play with here on earth and Faith now has two siblings in Heaven with her. It calms my heart to imagine those three little ones running amuck in heaven, exploring the great garden, singing and rejoicing with the angels, hearing bedtime stories from Jesus himself. My heavenly children will not know sorrow or pain or loss the way that I have- and someday I will get to be with them again and they can fill me in on every wonderful day that heaven has brought to them.

But today, I will remember my precious little one.
Evin Carlson- Due June 14th 2010. Love and kisses baby boy.

Arin

Today was the day my fourth child was due. I have spent several of my days this month volleying between two thoughts: wondering what that little miracle of life would have looked like and what it would have felt like to hold her in my arms the day she was born, and wondering what it will be like when I get to meet her, hand in hand with her sister Faith, in Heaven. As much as my heart hurts for her, I have to thank God that I am so incredibly blessed with a wonderful family here on earth and in Heaven too. I look forward to the day that I will get to know my heavenly children.

Arin Avery Carlson- due January 18 2010, miscarried May 2009

Girl Time

A few days off together is just what we ladies needed. Olivia and I spent last Wednesday and Thursday at home together, playing, resting, and just being.
We made dinner for the boys on Wednesday and got the boys to take us out to dinner on Thursday. We played around, spent the mornings in our PJ's snuggling, cleaned house a little bit, and danced and sang.
Olivia was inquisitive and as independent as ever and managed to climb onto the table and get into my purse, dig a half eaten pudding cup from the trash and get it all over her face and hands( and who knows how much she ate!) and get the stepping stool out from behind the trash can and dragged up to the counter on the other end of the kitchen. This all took place in the matter of one hour. I decided to purge and clean out a few cabinets to keep us busy. the distraction worked and Olivia spent the rest of the day digging cups or bottles out of the large storage totes and carrying them all over the house.Last week I finally packed up all my maternity clothes and put them away, this week, Olivia helped me clean out all the baby bottles and things from the cabinets. I have been holding onto them for the last few months, hoping to put them to use. I have decided that instead of seeing them everytime I opened the cubbard door as a reminder of what we have lost, I will pack them away and rejoice when I finally get to unpack them again.

Test results came back today

We got the tests results done today from the miscarriage. The standard results labeled the miscarriage a missed abortion which means that the baby died in utero but my body continued to carry it or had not miscarried it. We had also requested chromosome testing since this was the second miscarriage in six months and we previously had a baby with Trisomy 13. We would also find out what the babies sex would have been which I think would have been nice to know because I wanted to pick a name for the baby that would be up in heaven with Faith that I could carry in my heart as a reminder of this child that I never met.
The pathology lab was unable to run these tests for us because the samples sent to them did not have enough villi present to run the correct tests. I was very dissapointed by this news.
Cliff says that maybe it is for the best that we can't know. He said maybe it would be harder to know if a chromosome issue had caused the baby to die or to know if it was a little boy or little girl. I suppose he could be right.After all, we knew Faith had trisomy 13 which ultimately caused the complications that led to her death but my heart still has a hundred questions why.and my heart still aches for her.
Either way, knowing or not knowing, I am still incredibly sad and I wonder what could have been with this little one.

Does absence make the heart grow fonder?

You will have to forgive me for being so absent from my blog. I wonder, with how much time has passed, do I have any readers left?

If not, its okay, I plan to blog away today anyways.

Its been a bit of a rough go of things the last few weeks. I feel like there were so many things to update you on that has been going on in our lives..... fun moments with the kids, comings and goings, and just the spillover of all my thoughts. But, the truth is that no matter how good I thought I was doing with the Miscarriage and D&C, the last few weeks have started to unravel for me and I am left with a stinging heart and empty arms... and this makes me sad... and I have found it incredibly hard to write.
I did really well with things the first week or so after, and to tell you the truth, I think I am doing pretty darn good now........ but that doesnt mean its easy.
I have so many questions in my head. I wonder why this road of conceiving is filled with so much heartache. Would it be easier if I didnt get pregnant instead of miscarrying? I find peace in knowing that these two little ones are in Heaven now with their big sister Faith, so shouldnt that make the hurt less? Will we get to have another baby of our own in our arms? My life is so full, is it even right to long for that?

I know these are tough questions... and honestly these are not questions I expect to find an answer for.
I have decided that the best way that I can cope with this situation is to focus on the blessings that we do have in our life... and to thank God for them everyday and in everyway that I can. I am focusing on trying to be better at being me and being me with a loving and giving heart.
Its not easy- but each day I start again.

And this is how I start over again each day:Today was the day that we went to pick out the stuff for our lifepacks. Each year during the holidays, we pick out a lifepack from Lifechurch( a bag that will go to a needy child) and we fill it for a child that would be the same age as Faith and with things that we would buy for her. This year we included 2 more packs, one for each of the babies we miscarried this year.
It always feels so good to buy the things and to pack the bags full.... and it hurts so much too to think how few opportunities I will have in this life to buy things for my little girl.... and now our other 2 little angels as well. I hope the contents of these bags bless the recieving child in a big way. I hope that their lives are filled with love. I hope that they are safe and warm and cared for this holiday... and most of all I hope they have someone in their life that loves them enough to teach them all about the love of Christ. I pray all of these things in Jesus Name. I would greatly appreciate if you could take a moment to pray for these children with me- whoever they are- where ever they are. Please pray that they grow up in the knowledge that God loves them very much and understand just how important and beloved they are to him. After all, God knows every hair that is upon our heads.

Its not my universe.

I think Caedmon's Call said it best: " Late at night I wonder, sometimes I wonder why?"
I really wonder sometimes why things happen the way they do... why some days go so smoothly, and bring joy, and others don't.
I wonder why some days nothing will phase me and I experience Joy all the way until I close my eyes to go to sleep.... and why some days are filled with tears and anguish and anxiety deep into the night.
I also wonder why some children grow up big and strong and some children never make it to be born... or why some are only with us 9 days or 32 minutes like my dear friend Tami's daughter Angeliyah.
I wonder why there is so much hate in the world( although I know the answer is the Devil, becuase I know that God is love) but I wonder sometimes why that is even allowed to exist and why some people turn to it so freely while others live their whole lives trying to be good.
Yesterday another trisomy Baby named April Rose was born. She wasnt expected to make it alive to birth, nor live much longer after and yet she is still alive and still hear. Her mom and dad are living minute by minute.... trying to get as much time as they can to know her and love her before her time to part this earth comes. April's mom has been keeping a blog to chronicle the difficult pregnancy ( which can be found in my bloglist) and now becuase of this they are recieving hate mail and even a mutilated first picture of April with devil horns drawn on the image.
This mommy and daddy are struggling through difficult moments- some of the hardest moments in life- and in the midst of that someone or several someones feel the need to try to hurt them and say and do terrible things. It angers me and it saddens me.

Today is three weeks to the day that I started to experience bleeding and my miscarriage began. Since the pregnancy was still very early, it shouldnt have taken my body too long to process things... but now it is three weeks later and I am still experiencing the miscarriage. It is a constant reminder to me all day long of the little baby that I won't get to hold in my arms. I wonder why it is taking so long?
Someone sent me a very thoughtful message today which said that now Faith would have a little brother or sister in heaven with her. This really helped to calm my heart... but it made me sad too..... I wonder why something so comforting can also make me cry.....
Ultimately, all these things going on compound the grief that I still carry around for my little red head. Most days, I am able to walk this earth without questioning, just accepting my course in life with hope for what tommorrow brings.
Today though, like some days, I wonder why things happen the way they do in this universe and I have to remind myself that it is not my universe.

This is God's universe and God does things his way. You may have a better way, but you don't have a universe. - J Vernon McGee

Myself......... FINALLY

Last weekend I finally began to feel like myself again. I don't know what it was that marked the day as different.... but it was. And ever since then, I have felt a little more like myself everyday.
My body is not quite back to normal but it is getting there.
Its good to see you again, Self.