Monday, August 27, 2007

day at a time?

I returned to work this week and started today with a meeting with about 50 of my peers. I knew returning to work would be difficult but was unsure how it would effect me. I had no idea how hard it would be to put on a brave face for a full day. I was so drained by the end of the meeting I was fighting with each breath that I breathed in and out to hold back the tears. I was exhausted. The room was so noisy and full of life at the meeting- and all I could think about was how much I missed my daughter and that I did not belong in a room so full of happiness and activity. I want desperately for my broken heart to be unbroken, to be carefree, so desperately I want to fit in with those around me but it is as if I am a stranger in a foreign land and no matter what I do, it doesnt seem quite right. All I can think about is how I STILL long to hold Faith in my arms... to love her... to be by her and I wonder, how long will it take to get past this yearning and pain.?And I think the answer may be: a lifetime. But in the meantime how do I go on with a fake smile on my face and attempting to fit in with society in a way I feel I no longer can? And I desperately yearn to fit in, to be redeemed from the status of an outcast..... and I dont know how to do it.I faced so many people today and I knew that each of them knew about Faith's death, that I had been pregnant before I left and returned with no baby to show.The people that did talk to me did try to be so nice. They commented on how pretty my blouse was or how much they loved my new haircut - how they were glad to have me back. I know that each of the people that talked to me wanted to know how I was, to reach out to me, and this was the only things they could find to say. But no one asked me about my daughter. No one wanted to upset me by bringing her up. How I longed to talk about her. I waited for someone to ask what she looked like, what was she like? I knew no one would out of respect for me... but I couldnt help yearning. I hope this will get better soon.It has been 8 weeks and I still dont know what to do with these overwelming desires to care for Faith. I love and miss her as much today as I have everyday. The pain is not yelding, it is not lessening... I am just getting better at hiding it and pushing through it for awhile.I dont know what to do with myself and this ache in my chest. Please pray for me. I am able to go longer times without breaking down and have longer stretches of stability and feeling okay, but when the grief and sadness cycle back again, it seems so much harder.I know that God is there and will help to carry me through this time as long as I reach out, and I am trying to reach out. I have faith in Him that I will be carried through. My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness 2 corinthians 12:9
God, may this time of weakness and brokenness in my life be used to your glory. May your power and might shine through this dark cloud in the horizon, may your glorious ways be revealed even in my grief. Lord, I believe that your grace is sufficient to sustain me.

Friday, August 10, 2007

August 10 2007- To Daughter

Dearest Faith,
Sunday will be one month since your death. You died in our arms, did you know? Your body seemed so tired in the day leading to your death. I remember saying something to your dad about how tired you were, how still you were in sleep. Did you know my heart was breaking that day? It was so heavy in my chest. I wondered that morning how I could go on watching your body suffer so. My heart was breaking bit by bit and I didnt know how many more days I could sit by. I was thinking just that thought when the call came in. It happened just after lunch. I remember running to the elevators to come upstairs to you, my heart was pounding, and I knew, this was the moment we feared. Your body was just too tired.Daddy and I took turns holding you as you died. Your face lost its redness and went from a lively red to pale white, then to blue. We talked to you and told you how much we loved you, that it was okay to let go. That we knew how tired your body was. You were prounounced dead at 2:38 PM on July the 12th.I don't know what to do with myself now that you are gone. I lie awake at night wondering about you, about what our life would be like with you here. We are planning a memorial garden for you. We will plant pansies for remembrance and Lamb's ears for healing. I like to think of you all healed and I try to imagine what your little body looks like now. No more pain and sorrow for my little girl- so why is it so hard for me here now?I am so sad for all the things we wont share. Hugs and songs, and watching you grow. Laughs with your silly big brother.I hope you know how much I love you. Oh how I miss you!!!! My heart breaks with missing you!
Love, Mommy

Thursday, August 09, 2007

Do Not Hibernate through Winter

Please, Do not try to pull me into the land of the living.
Let me lie down here on this dry and dusty ground of death.
Let me winter through this season, but do not leave me so;
Sit down with me in this cold and barren land.
Let's sit a while and look at the empty plains,
and then together we can marvel at the beautiful frailty of spring blooms as they arrive.
And sit with me too as we watch summer turn to autumn,
and we enter to winter once again.
The earth will continue spinning and the seasons will continue to change,
and you will see why we cannot live only for the spring.

Sunday, August 05, 2007

1 month birthday

My Sweet One,
We came upon your one month birthday on Friday. Although you are not here, we celebrated anyways. We had a special dinner that evening, and Grandma and Emily were there to eat with us. Grandma, Ethan, Daddy, and I went to your grave and brought blush roses to make it pretty. We ended the day with an ice cream cake and went off to sleep with thoughts of you in our heads and great love for you in our hearts. I find myself wondering what you would be doing if you had made it to one month of age. It hurts to think about those things but for some reason I just can't seem to stop. Do you know how much I miss you?Saturday we recieved sad news. Your cousin, Little Dustin, died. His mom and daddy are so sad and we are so sad for them. Please keep Little Dustin company until the day he gets to see his mommy and daddy again, okay sweethart? He is such a little baby, just like you. I long to see you so much and just hold you one more time. I love you, dear one. All my heart,

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Laughter and Tears

Today was a good day.
Today I made a trek to the city to meet a friend for dinner and shop a bit for myself. I am finding my solitary time very lonely and try to fill up my time as much as I can. As I strolled through the mall I was deeply saddened by a small statue of a mom and a baby at the Hallmark store, by the children skipping by the fountain, and all the noise and hustle and bustle around me. As I walked through the mall I wondered at how life changes so fast. I wondered how I could go on each day with such a hole in my heart- and yet my heart is still beating. I marveled at the people around me and wondered who in my midst had sorrow pulsing through their veins, pulsing like a ragging river just as mine did, but who were equally successful at hiding it. My heart hurt for my absent daughter and it hurt for those around me that may be hurting too. I thought How hard life can be! Why is it so hard?Just when the burden grows so heavy that we can't seem to take anymore, God is faithful to step in and keep our foot from faltering and to help us carry the load. He is the ultimate shelter from this storm of life. As I continued through the mall God brought an old friend into my path. How she, with a busy 1 year old, job, and home to run, and I , who have gone to a mall 2 times in the last 3 months, happened to be in the same place at the same time in a big city with many malls, truly an act of God. Her presence brought joy to my heart. We talked only a few minutes but it was enough to lift my spirit- to turn my thoughts outward to those I care about instead of inward on all my sorrow.Following my time at the mall I met my oldest and dearest friend for dinner. I was able to be confortable in my own skin for the first time in many weeks in such a public place. We fell so easily into an old routine (that goes back years) and laughed and cut up until we were either about to cry or wet our pants from laughing so hard.I am thankful to God that my days are not only dark. That amongst my sorrow there can be joy...... amonst my tears there is still laughter.
Thank you God. Thank you for my daily breath of life! May I forge through even the darkest days so that I may glimpse the shining sun. May I give each day my all just as my sweet daughter gave hers for every day of her life.Your compassions are new each morning! Your compassions never fail............