Friday, October 24, 2008

the perfect day

My fifth grade teacher, Mrs. Nease, assigned us various topics for essay assignment. At the end of the year, she took those essays and put them together in a packet along with drawings we had made for our parents to keep. There were lots of interesting topics about our thoughts, about life, and our hopes and aspirations.
One essay was titled: The Perfect Day.

The rules were simple... write about one day- 24 hours total with no limitations or restrictions.
With Gusto I sat down to write my essay and quickly fell into a daydream to top all daydreams.
I filled up the entire sheet I was writing my essay on and had to pull out another sheet.
From my eleven year old hand I wrote out a detailed day of events that went something like this:
wake up and have strawberry pancakes with family and my friend Amanda Hagey and Autumn Summers
we will play boss and secretary( a pretend make believe game), unicorns, and barbies( I know- I know I was an eleven year old still playing make believe and dolls- dont tell Fawn about the barbies! I think she is too cool for that!)
We will have lunch at McDonalds and then my friend Fawn Porterand I will go to disneyworld after lunch.
After an afternoon at Disneyworld, a limo will pick up all my friends and we will eat pizza on our way to see: NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK IN CONCERT. After new kids on the block we will go swimming in the moonlight.

As you can see, I packed ALOT of things into my 24 hours. I definitely had to get as many things as I could done- becuase I only had ONE day to do it.

On Wednesday morning I woke up around 5am to get ready for the day. I didnt get to bed until late the night before so I stumbled through my morning routine and wished for more sleep( I would say dreamed of sleep but that is just silly :) At 615 I went into Ethans room to rouse him and was met with a fight. This has become more and more common these days and has prompted us to put Ethan to bed even earlier at night, but this has not squelched the morning crying and whining.
As I sat on my sons bed listening to him whine and watching him try to pull the covers back over his head... I remembered the long ago essay from 5th grade.
I decided to redraft the essay and this is what it would say:
The Perfect Day
Sleeping in until 9am.
Stay at home in pajamas with family
The End

Monday, October 13, 2008

repentance and rest, quietness and trust

This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says: "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it. Isaiah 30:15

A few weeks ago I posted a scripture verse that was tied to my Lumos post. It was Hebrews 4:12, a post about the word of God shedding light onto the attitude and thoughts of our heart... about its ability to direct us.

I have been mulling the verse over since then... wondering about my direction, my aspirations, what I am doing, what I could be doing....... WHO I AM....all of those type of things......

Today a verse rang through my mind, a beginning of the answer to my prayer about my direction and my actions........
I have attached the verse above. I would have thought the words would read " in repentance and action are your salvation" But this verse speaks the opposite doesnt it? It says nigh of good deeds and speaks volumes about resting in God and KNOWING him. I knew the repentence part... but the resting part is new for me.
I have had so many outside influences lately that have pushed me to speak up to be louder, to push my way to the front and my heart has bucked against this advice for good reason. "in quietness and trust shall be your strength"
I dont think quietness speaks of not saying anything. Being quiet is not the same as being silent...
But it does say alot to me about trying to be the loudest one in the room :)

Thoughts anyone?

To My Fair Child

Dear Faith,

Hello my lovely fair haired child. My tuesdays child, whose life was full of grace..... God's grace that brought you to me and allowed me to be your mommy. I try not to think of how short our time was... although that thought follows me like a shadow some days... I remind myself that God chose me to be your mom, he brought you to me and no one else..... because he knew how fiercely I would love you....... and just how much you would teach me about life and Love... so much love.Today is 15 months since you left my arms into God's own. The sadness of losing you hung around my shoulders today like a winter shawl. Today I was drapped in the ache of it. I remember the silky softness of your hair under my fingers still...... and the warmth of your baby skin. I remember watching your chest rise and fall under the bili lights and thanking God for each breath I saw you take.I am watching your brother and sister grow before my eyes. Trying desperately to log every moment, every milestone, every look..... and remembering with each moment all the ones I miss with you. Your little sister is 3 months old now... and everyday is something new. What joy it brings my heart to watch her change and grow and learn about the world... and with each moment that my heart swells with joy... it aches with sorrow too.Aches for you. Becuase she has already passed so many milestones that you never hit.
Beautiful Princess, beautiful girl. Keeper of my heart- I made a song for your big brother and one for your little sister that I sing during diaper changes.... I think I will make one up for you too....Kisses and hugs,and just one hug more!!!!!
and one more!

Sunday, October 12, 2008

The Question

Last night as we were at the mall in Tulsa, something happened to cause my breathe to catch in my throat.... It was as if someone had shoved an egg in there- I couldnt seem to swallow it down and it made my chest ache to try.

Its gotten to be a familiar feeling.

On the drive home, in a moment of quietness, I asked Cliff " Do you think that feeling will ever quit? You know, the ache of knowing what you are missing out on?"

He responded simply and then quietness again. " No. It will ebb and flow, but it will always be there."

And so it ebbs and flows.

Monday, October 06, 2008


When I was a little girl, my mom told me I was born on a Thursday. "Thursday's Child" she called me, and then she would quote an old song "Monday's child is fair of face,Tuesday's child is full of grace,Wednesday's child is full of woe,Thursday's child has far to go,Friday's child is loving and giving,Saturday's child must work for a living,But the child that's born on the Sabbath day,Is fair and wise and good and gay." And so I became the child who had far to go... although my mother always made it sound as if I would go far.... I WAS GOING PLACES.
The years turn, the world was spinning, and 24 years after I became a Thursday's child, I had another Thursday's Child. In fact, I had my Thursday's child in the very same hospital that my mother had her Thursdays child.
But even after all this, Thursdays didn't seem any different to me than any other day. Nothing was different to me about Thursday than the hump day before it or the TGIF after it. Thursday was thursday was thursday.... and sometimes I didnt even notice when one came and went.

This all changed for me in my 27th year. On July 12 of my 27th year I held my little girl in my arms for the very first-and last- time. The world stopped- for a moment- and everything was rearranged. And every week to follow, for months on end, stopped on Thursdays and my world would feel as if all its pieces had been jumbled up... and couldnt be made smooth. Sometimes my heart would grow so heavy that I could feel Thursdays arrival before it arrived... By humpday my mind had dulled, my feet grew heavy, my voice became numb as I retreated into myself.
Sometimes, Thursdays were so heavy that they bled into humpday and TGIF and the weekend to follow. Sometimes Thursdays seemed to be connected to each other...... a seemless loop that led one into the other.
In the last few months I have managed to skip a Thursday or two without feeling so blue. The Thursdays now stretch further and far between.... and sometimes Thursday doesnt even fall on Thursday anymore. Last week it came on Wednesday and all I could think was how much my humpday felt like Thursday. So if you here me say "Today feels like a thursday..." well, you know what I mean. :)

Thank you Betty!

Occasionally, I find inspiration from unlikely sources. Last week it came from one of my favorite fluffy comedies- Ugly Betty.

Betty Suarez said, " You have to want something enough to fight for it!"

I had to pause a moment and reflect on the things I wanted. Was I fighting for them?

And if I wasn't, did I really want those things?


Thanks Ugly Betty!