Tuesday, July 31, 2007

4 weeks

Dear Daughter,
Today you would be 4 weeks old. I can't believe its been 4 weeks since your birth and now over 2 weeks since we said goodbye. I think about you everyday and the pain doesn't seem to get any better. It seems to grow each day I have been seperated from you. I know you are in a better place Baby Girl, and you don't have any pain there. You had such a painful time on earth and such a long road to travel in your poor sick body....... so I find peace when I think about you with a new body, up in heaven, singing your heart out to God..... but it doesnt make me miss you any less....... in fact I think it makes me love you more. I know that life is short for each one of us, a mere breath to God.... but I can't get over how quickly you came and went.I think about what it will be like to see you in heaven, and wonder if I will get to hold you again in my arms. I know there are no tears in heaven dear daughter, but I think I would cry tears of joy.I love you so much baby girl! Happy four week birthday sweet one!
PS someone came today and placed 7 pink roses on your grave.... I dont know who it was, but I know they were thinking of you!

Saturday, July 28, 2007

The Cemetary At Night

We have a nightly ritual of visiting the cemetary each evening. Most of the time Ethan tags along, and sometimes my mom, or Cliff's parents, and Emily came with her kids just a few nights ago. It is a way to honor the memory of Faith, to show significance to her life and a way in which we can grieve for her. Tonight we got home late from the store and Cliff and I went alone while my mom watched Ethan.It was Dusk when we pulled in and as we looked across the cemetary there were fireflies across the fields swirling about. I could hear the locusts and crickets calling outside my window. There were no other visitors in sight and as we slowly drove down the cemetary drive the sweet smell of dusktime air rolled in the window. It was already dark enough out that the solar powered ground ornaments were brightly shining on one tombstone. We parked at the very back of the cemetary under the same group of trees that we always do. As I got out of the truck I saw something moving in the front field of the cemetary, weaving its way among headstones. I stared hard for a moment and saw that it was a Doe gracefully making her way through the cemetary. She was very big, over six feet in height.I pointed her out to Cliff and we watched for a moment and then hand in hand we walked slowly in her direction. She saw us coming her way and changed directions to head toward the woods in the back of the cemetary. We stopped as we came even with her across the field and stared at her graceful beauty. She stopped and stared back and we stood like that for some time gazing across at each other. Finally the deer wondered out of sight into the trees.It was a strange yet very peaceful moment. Sometimes the places we are in life feel very solitary. But God has a way of reminding us we are not alone in unexpected ways and unexpected places. A cemetary is one of the most solitary places I could think to go. It is a place that is full of rest, quietly sleeping. A place of sorrow, honor, death. Tonight, the cemetary was full of life. It was around me in the form of nightbugs chirping, fireflies dancing through the air, a Doe strolling among the granite headstones.......God is everywhere and connected in all things... even the cemetary at night.
Thank you God for being ever before and behind me, for being with me in the midst of my sorrow. For caring for me so deeply and for always being there.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

2 weeks

Dearest Daughter,
It has been 2 weeks today since your death dear daughter and the pain is not any lighter. As we approach the hour of your death I cannot help but think of you. In fact, I think of you each and every day, all day, and I cannot imagine life without you, and yet I live it each day.I feel like there is an imaginary string that attaches my heart to yours, a heartstring. I feel so close to you and yet feel so far apart. I whisper words to you into the air, and they fall to earth becuase you are not here with me. I feel like I couldnt do enough for you, and the burden and longing in my heart to carry on caring for you, it is still there and buring ever so brightly and deeply. I dont know what to do with those feelings- the longings to be your mommy and love you and hold you and care for your every need. I want to share you with everyone I meet- to shout out what a beautiful daughter I have. But this pride of parenthood dies on my lips becuase it makes everyone so sad to hear about you.I dont know what to do, child of mine, to extinguish this burning in my gut........I just know I miss you ever so much.I love you dear daughter, and I hope you knew in your days here, just what you mean to me. I hope we had time enough together that I could show you that you are the apple of my eye, the joy of my heart, and I hope you knew I would have cared for you forever, regardless of condition or struggles or needs. I would have given up everything I have to care for you. I miss you, Baby Girl.

Friday, July 20, 2007

To those who wrote us!- Keep Writing!

To all of you who wrote, emailed, commented, called, visited, etc!

I just wanted to take a moment to express to each of you our gratitude for your personal contact. In whatever form you chose to reach out to us, it has been a lifeline. Each condolance and encouragement we have recieved has been a steady pulse of strength. Each day we recieve new emails, calls,comments, or cards in the mail( and still somedays more flowers!) and we look forward to those things as bright spots in the day. I will not lie and say that the days are not difficult, and some consuming us with grief, but the support that we get from those around us is what spurs us on and gets us through the darkest moments.I know it cannot always be easy to reach out, and many of you have said you dont know what to say to ease our pain. But know that whatever words you choose to express, the words don't matter as much as the fact that you are helping us to shoulder this grief. I honestly cannot thank you enough for caring and for showing God's love to us in this amazing way. I don't know how we could get through the days without it.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

7 Days

Today is the seventh day since Faith died. It was a painfully slow day. I think all day of Faith and the loss of her. There is such an ache and hollowness within my chest- but still I go on breathing, living, being.Even close friends and family are tender to approach me or call. It is obvious they dont know the words to say, and conversations are awkward. I seem to be absent in even the simplist conversations, at a loss for words, or what to say, and I struggle to make my mind move fast enough to keep up with the flow of conversation, or to think what I should say next. The pain is so obvious in the eyes of those I converse with, as they see my grief overshadow me. They fight so hard to find a way to soothe the ache, to help me, to comfort me and in return I struggle to ease their minds, to find ways to let them know- I will be okay, I will push forward, but I know it is such a long a weary road to go........ and that the days may get harder before they get brighter. And I also know that I am a different person, that I will never be the same and the loss that I feel will always be ever before me- just beneath my breastbone, a dull ache that beats in time with my heart.It is during this emmense loss of life that I realize how lifechanging it is to lose a loved one, and it makes my heart hurt for those around me who have suffered a loss of someone so close, and my heart also hurts for those I love that will experience loss someday- it is a part of life.Faith is ever before me, her soft baby scent, her warm little body that would relax into my touch, her fuzzy red hair as soft as silk. It all lingers around me as I move through the day and I feel as if I am a shadow of myself.My heart aches for Cliff as I watch his grief mirror my own. I mourn for Ethan who will never have the love and playfulness that flows from brother to sister. I mourn for our parents who watch us with their own hearts in their eyes- who have said they wish they could bear this road for us.I would not have anyone to bear this road for me. She is my daughter and I hold fast to every memory of her- and every would be memory that we never got to make. When I carried her so cautiously in my womb....... each day seemed to move so slowly, and time seemed to stand on its end, but now- it seems that time moved to fast and the days were way to short that I got to see her and hold her.... and I can never go back.

Friday, July 13, 2007

Funeral Monday

The Funeral Service for Faith will be at 2 PM on Monday at the Lifechurch in Stillwater Oklahoma.This will be followed by a graveside procession.Anyone who would like to attend to celebrate her life and significance is welcome.

Faith Constance Carlson

Faith died yesterday afternoon, Thursday Juy 12th.She had done so well the previous 2 days and her body just grew tired. No matter what the hospital did, her body was just too tired and she couldnt do it anymore.She was a very strong fighter. We are so proud and fortunate to have had her nine days. I will post more later as I have more details as to a service and such.We thank you for your prayers and encouragement. We need them very much.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

This is the Day

This is the day
I awoke this morning with the words of a song ringing through my head. The verses were in spanish so I had to take a minute to translate them to remember what song it was.Pardon my spelling, it is a song I learned about 8 years ago in spanish, so the spelling may be bad.
Este es el DiaEste es el DiaQ izo el SenorQ izo el SenorNosgazaramosNosgazaramose ellegramos en ele ellegramos en el
Loosely this translates to :
This is the dayThis is the dayThat the Lord has madeThat the Lord has madeI will rejoice and be glad in itand be glad in it.
We are leaving now in about 15 minutes to go get ready for Faith's arrival- today I meet my daughter!Just had to share the sweet words that God gave me this morning...>