This week has been a long and strange week. Almost two weeks ago I was shocked to find out I was pregnant. And then elated. Cliff and I began making plans for a new baby and even thought of a few names. We were talking about the name Alex Zander for a boy and either Amelia or Jemma for a girl. We told Ethan, and a few friends and family and everyone was rejoicing with us.
On Friday of last week I was bringing my mom home from Surgery in Tulsa and my car broke down at the very first light in Stillwater. It turned out to be the Transmission but we were not surprised. Boris had made a great run... was now 10 years old and had earned more than his keep in his time with us. We talked it over and decided to get a newer vehicle that would have room for three kids and a pal or extra rider( such as Grandma). Saturday afternoon we got a smokin' deal on Spifferifica, a lovely 2004 Chrystler Pacifica that cost just under $10,000.
I had a sore throat for most of the week which I attributed to allergies and pregnancy and tried to ignore. By Sunday night it had been unbearable too long, and I decided that I would head to the Dr Monday morning.
By Monday morning I was experiencing a very small amount of spotting which was unusual for me in a pregnancy. I mentioned this to the Dr when I went in to have my throat checked out but since it was so light it wasnt much to worry about. I was diagnosed with Strep Throat and given an antibiotic and sent home. At this point my sore throat was so bad that I no longer had a voice and I spent 2 days home from work sleeping and thinking and practicing lines to the Godfather to amuse myself.
By Thursday my throat was practically as good as new( a little wraspy but in a 1940's Jazz Club singer, after a cigarette or two, kid of way) but the bleeding was getting worse. I called the Dr's office and asked to have labs done. I also began to experience some cramping and pain in my right ovary but it would come and go and didnt seem like a big deal.
Friday morning Dr Smithton called me bright and early to let me know the lab number was low,200, and should really be around 1000. He thought this was Indicitive of a miscarriage but it was time to wait and see. By Friday afternoon I had constant pain in my right ovary and it was really distracting me from work. I called the Dr's office becuase I was really concerned and I got in to see Dr Evans since the Memorial Holiday was starting and Dr Smithton had gone out of town. Dr Evans felt around on my abdomen which was very sore everytime he pressed near my right ovary.
He sent me over right away for an ultrasound. The ultrasound technician turned out to be the same woman who did the original Ultrasound on Faith that came up with the initial diagnosis. It was a strange moment. She was able to confirm on the screen that there was no baby to be seen in my uterus but that its lining was very thick like it should be in pregnancy. She couldnt really see anything to indicate for sure that there was an Eptopic Pregnancy but she did see something small on my right ovary that was suspicous. She said with a lab of 200 it is way way to early to see ANYTHING and the number needed to be over 1000 or 2000 for a baby to be big enough to see in the uterus or the tube. She felt uncertain about the suspicous spot and called the Head of radiology who logged into the system from home to look at the Ultrasound. He felt the same way, something suspicous but too early to tell.
They sent me home and Dr Smithton called me as I was driving home.
He stated that it is most likely that I am experiencing a miscarriage. He said I could even have an ectopic pregnancy but the chances are very good that since my numbers were so low when I came in on Thursday that I was already miscarrying and even if its an ectopic pregnancy I will probably miscarry that. He offered me some pain meds and told me to call with any questions or concerns I might have and also to go back to the ER if I experience more pain.
After I got home I continuted to experience light bleeding but nothing like a period.
And this is where I am at now. I have spent the day with my family, crampy, waiting, wondering, wishing this would hurry up and conclude so that I could move forward.
Its a strange place to be at..... just waiting.
Yesterday I had copious amounts of peace but today the saddness is starting to set in. I know that life is unpredicible. And I am thankful for the many blessings that I already have in my life. I do trust God and his plan and direction for my life. I rest in knowing that His Plan is there.
But it is amazing to me the amount of loving and planning and wanting that can develop in just a few weeks. I know things are not going to work out for this pregnancy, for a baby at this moment, but I really wanted that baby, wanted the challenge of bringing a third child into my home, a fourth child into my heart, and I know Cliff wanted that too.
We weren't planning for a fourth pregnancy and we certainly were not elated about MORE diapers to change, but in that short period of time we felt so blessed. Absolutely and crazily blessed with life. The bible says in Psalms " Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. " And I like the idea of a full house. Yes, I am tired. Yes, having children is hard work, but the blessing of having those children, it is a blessing straight from God.
Afterall, God's greatest miracle is life.