Monday, August 27, 2007

day at a time?

I returned to work this week and started today with a meeting with about 50 of my peers. I knew returning to work would be difficult but was unsure how it would effect me. I had no idea how hard it would be to put on a brave face for a full day. I was so drained by the end of the meeting I was fighting with each breath that I breathed in and out to hold back the tears. I was exhausted. The room was so noisy and full of life at the meeting- and all I could think about was how much I missed my daughter and that I did not belong in a room so full of happiness and activity. I want desperately for my broken heart to be unbroken, to be carefree, so desperately I want to fit in with those around me but it is as if I am a stranger in a foreign land and no matter what I do, it doesnt seem quite right. All I can think about is how I STILL long to hold Faith in my arms... to love her... to be by her and I wonder, how long will it take to get past this yearning and pain.?And I think the answer may be: a lifetime. But in the meantime how do I go on with a fake smile on my face and attempting to fit in with society in a way I feel I no longer can? And I desperately yearn to fit in, to be redeemed from the status of an outcast..... and I dont know how to do it.I faced so many people today and I knew that each of them knew about Faith's death, that I had been pregnant before I left and returned with no baby to show.The people that did talk to me did try to be so nice. They commented on how pretty my blouse was or how much they loved my new haircut - how they were glad to have me back. I know that each of the people that talked to me wanted to know how I was, to reach out to me, and this was the only things they could find to say. But no one asked me about my daughter. No one wanted to upset me by bringing her up. How I longed to talk about her. I waited for someone to ask what she looked like, what was she like? I knew no one would out of respect for me... but I couldnt help yearning. I hope this will get better soon.It has been 8 weeks and I still dont know what to do with these overwelming desires to care for Faith. I love and miss her as much today as I have everyday. The pain is not yelding, it is not lessening... I am just getting better at hiding it and pushing through it for awhile.I dont know what to do with myself and this ache in my chest. Please pray for me. I am able to go longer times without breaking down and have longer stretches of stability and feeling okay, but when the grief and sadness cycle back again, it seems so much harder.I know that God is there and will help to carry me through this time as long as I reach out, and I am trying to reach out. I have faith in Him that I will be carried through. My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness 2 corinthians 12:9
God, may this time of weakness and brokenness in my life be used to your glory. May your power and might shine through this dark cloud in the horizon, may your glorious ways be revealed even in my grief. Lord, I believe that your grace is sufficient to sustain me.

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