Wednesday, June 13, 2007
The last few days have been so slow moving. Being at home is good becuase I get to keep rested for Faith, and its easy to control my diet( blood sugars are good, yeah!) and Ethan is so happy to have time with me. But my heart is just so heavy. I have trouble sleeping, and last night was no exception. I woke up in the middle of the night with every worry in the world. I worried for everything that I could or could not try to control. It ranged from work, to friends, to family, to how good or bad a mommy I am, to my husband, to..... everything. My heart feels so hollow and flat and ......... it is like I am a daze that I will not ever come out of. It feels like the days are endless...... like these moments are endless, like the earth is flat and I will slide off of the edge and I will never see the globe spin round and the sunlight come out again.I prayed and prayed for how long I dont know. The prayer that kept coming to my mind is that song by Newsboys and Matt Redman- Blessed Be Your Name. So I prayed those words over and again, trying to praise God for this time even though I dont understand it and it hurts so much. I keep pushing ahead, knowing that God will have honor in every inch of this - and I cling to that. It feels right now that it is all I have to cling to.The storms came last night( literally!) and the dogs were scared, Ethan was scared, they were all piled in my bed and we finally got back to sleep about 7am. Sorene came today about 830 to take Ethan for the day to give me some rest. And for the first time in all of this mess......... my body is so tired and I think I will finally get some sleep.