Wednesday, July 18, 2007

7 Days

Today is the seventh day since Faith died. It was a painfully slow day. I think all day of Faith and the loss of her. There is such an ache and hollowness within my chest- but still I go on breathing, living, being.Even close friends and family are tender to approach me or call. It is obvious they dont know the words to say, and conversations are awkward. I seem to be absent in even the simplist conversations, at a loss for words, or what to say, and I struggle to make my mind move fast enough to keep up with the flow of conversation, or to think what I should say next. The pain is so obvious in the eyes of those I converse with, as they see my grief overshadow me. They fight so hard to find a way to soothe the ache, to help me, to comfort me and in return I struggle to ease their minds, to find ways to let them know- I will be okay, I will push forward, but I know it is such a long a weary road to go........ and that the days may get harder before they get brighter. And I also know that I am a different person, that I will never be the same and the loss that I feel will always be ever before me- just beneath my breastbone, a dull ache that beats in time with my heart.It is during this emmense loss of life that I realize how lifechanging it is to lose a loved one, and it makes my heart hurt for those around me who have suffered a loss of someone so close, and my heart also hurts for those I love that will experience loss someday- it is a part of life.Faith is ever before me, her soft baby scent, her warm little body that would relax into my touch, her fuzzy red hair as soft as silk. It all lingers around me as I move through the day and I feel as if I am a shadow of myself.My heart aches for Cliff as I watch his grief mirror my own. I mourn for Ethan who will never have the love and playfulness that flows from brother to sister. I mourn for our parents who watch us with their own hearts in their eyes- who have said they wish they could bear this road for us.I would not have anyone to bear this road for me. She is my daughter and I hold fast to every memory of her- and every would be memory that we never got to make. When I carried her so cautiously in my womb....... each day seemed to move so slowly, and time seemed to stand on its end, but now- it seems that time moved to fast and the days were way to short that I got to see her and hold her.... and I can never go back.

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