Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Hope Less..... Hope More

Depression is an unpredictable thing. It can come at a time that you can expect it- after tragedy, loss, heartache, sorrow.... and it can come at the time that you least expect it- when life is busy, full, overflowing,.... blessed.
The last few months have been a rocky road for me. Sometime over the course of this vast winter I found myself in very pit of the belly of depression. I don't have one giant trigger that set it off.... rather, a multitude of smaller triggers that both stung me and overcame me in a way I hadn't expected. I have faced bigger more painful things in more desperate times....
but this winter my heart and my mind refused to listen as I tried to remind myself that my life is blessed, my life is full, and that I should be full of joy instead of sorrow.
Hopelessness is a scary word. But it is an accurate description of the hollowness I have felt in my heart over these last months.
I have been absent in writing and hesitant to share my sorrows and burdens here because depression is both debilitating and embarrassing. Its just not something that is easy to share... and if I ever did reach a day that I thought I could share it with the world wide web, I certainly didnt have the energy to sit down and write about it.
Because I am a christian, I recognize that my hope in Christ should be enough to have strength through even the darkest periods of my life and it has been embarrassing to me to know that my mind and my heart made me feel otherwise.
I have been doing lots of reading, lots of soul searching, and have humbled myself to the point of seeking professional help and thankfully, it's helping.
I am so thankful for the friends and family that have been praying for me and reaching out to me during this time. For their kind words of encouragement, for listening to me pour out my fears and anxieties, and for encouraging me to take care of myself so that I could get better for my family and for myself. I am thankful for my kind husband who sat with me evening after evening as I cried and held my hand and listened to my sorrow. A man who encouraged me each morning to get up, to get moving and sent me on my way each day armed with a warm cup of coffee. I am also thankful for a God who listens, who comforts, and who cares about my every need. A God who is there even when I refuse to see him.

Regardless of how I change, he is always constant.... and he is always always holding on... even when I have been overcome with hopelessness and let go.
David Crowder says it best as he sings " When waters rise and hope had flown, oh my soul. In Joy and pain, sun and rain, you're the same, oh you never let go. Perfect love that never lets go"

I am so thankful that he never lets go.


Anonymous said...

(((HUGS))) Micayla...your openness and honesty is a blessing to me. I'm glad you wrote about how the last few months have been affecting you...the end of your post with the David Crowder lyrics is...well, just beautiful. Love you!

jmuscanell said...

M - I am so sorry to hear that this darkness has crept into your life. I pray for peace and, joy and happiness to take over and spread like a wildfire for you and your family. I greatly admire your courage to be so raw and vulnerable to us. As usual, you are an inspiration of strength even when you feel that you are weak. Just as a big windy storm sent you to your shelter last night, the winds of change are coming and you will emerge to a whole new and glorious world.

Lauren said...

praying for you. ((hugs))