Thursday, September 04, 2008

14 months

Dear Faith,
Today you would be 14 months old. It is hard to picture what you would be like now. Perhaps an active toddler ambling around with spritely red curls and determined green? eyes. The truth is that its gotten increasingly harder these last few weeks without you. It all started about August 16th, your original due date from one year ago... of course this was the expected due date before we found out you were so sick.... and becuase of your sick body you came to us so much sooner. I think what really gets me down is when I start to think about some of the things that people say or imply about you and remembering you. I try not to listen to these things...try not to let others influence me... and I have to ask myself why they feel so compelled to try to influence the way I grieve when they have never lost a child themselves.... the truth is, baby girl, that part of this world wants me to just move on, to quit mourning you. They say I should remember you with joy only and be happy that you are in heaven with no more pain. And if I cant remember you with joy, perhaps its best to tuck your memory away. At the very least, I shouldnt be sharing it with the world. I should be living only for my living children.And it is my great hope that I can someday remember you with just the joy of knowing you... and not the pain of being seperated from you...But sometimes I wonder if that is a bit of a lofty goal? I keep trying though, becuase it is easier to live with courage and pray for God's strength than to throw the towel in. And how could I ever tuck your memory away??? Weither a child is alive or dead, as a parent, I think of each of my children a thousand times a day. My love for you didn't die with you.I watched a movie this last week called" We Are Marshall" It is a movie about grieving, about learning to live life after tragedy, having courage to move forward, and ultimately about creating a legacy and honoring the dead.( in the movie this came after many years)One of the characters tells the father of a boy who died in the movie " Nothing's going to change until you have the strength to face your pain." I had to stop when I heard that statement and really think about it. It reassured me that I am doing the right thing by remembering you and helping to create a legacy for you. It really hurts that you aren't here with me.... but I will continue to live life like a broken record if I don't face that pain and let your presence in my life change me into a better person. A more compassionate person I hope.. and more courageous too.One of the feelings that is hardest to live with and understand is the feeling that I can't do enough to take care of you. You have been gone almost 14 months and I still have such strong feelings that I need to take care of you. I still don't know what to do with those feelings but I try to pour them into other things. I ask myself how I am supposed to take care of a baby that isnt here( toddler now) and I don't have an answer to give myself. This is when I spend time working in your garden.... or pouring though your photos... or I start a new project around the house( like cleaning out the closet a few weeks ago.)Its been 14 months and the pain isnt any less... isnt any easier..... but I am learning how to deal with the pain.... and that is a start towards that lofty goal I have I guess.We still talk about you everyday. When Ethan and I pray at night we thank God for the time you were here. We show Olivia your photos and tell her a little about you. Someday we will share your full story with her when she is older. I will always wonder what life would be like for us if you were here... dream of being able to watch all three of my children grow..... and hope that I am honoring your memory in the best ways that I can.I love you so very very very very much dear one. kisses to you from afar.
Love, yours,mommy

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