Sunday, August 17, 2008

Holding On and Letting Go

I threw it away today,and it felt like I was throwing away a piece
It was just a bow, made of guaze, frilly and pink.I was cleaning out the closet, the fourth place the bow had been tucked safely inside in the last year. The bow had been lovingly placed around a floral display that was delivered to your funeral. I told myself as I held up that bow to the light that I coudn't hold onto every little thing....that it would not be returning you to me by holding on so tightly....... and yet- it felt so hard to part with that bow.I shoved it down into the trashcan, as if the resolve to place it there would vanish if I didnt act so deliberately. I fought down the urge to pull it back out and pushed myself back to the task of cleaning out the closet.One of my fears is that the memories of you will vanish, that your presence will someday feel less real to me- that I could somehow forget- YOU.I came back to the room to finish the closet- instead I sat down and pulled out my little worn envelope- filled with pictures of you from your brief time here. As the tears began to fill at the corners of my eyes and that hard tug was felt in my heart- I was reminded- I will never forget YOU.
I love you so much little girl!!!! I miss you still!!!! Ever so much!!Mommy

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