Thursday, July 24, 2008

He Giveth and He Taketh Away

sooo.......... i have been mulling over this blog for a bit now :) I have been meaning to post to share with all of you out there how things are going now that Olivia has arrived. I want to take a moment to give you a glimpse of my heart and talk about what it feels like to have a child after experiencing the loss of another child.Let me just start with this: Olivia is a wonderful baby! She is pretty quiet and laid back, she sleeps well and eats well... she loves to be held...... she is tiny- just 6 lbs or so.... but for as small as she is, she fills my heart with a ton of love.(literally, a ton!)When she first came out and started to cry I was so happy that she was born alive! They showed her to me and she was so much smaller than I expected. Once I got some time to look at her and hold her... she didnt look at all as I thought. She has a much darker complextion than Ethan or Faith- in fact- she is our only child with dark hair. I had hoped a little that she would have her sisters curly red hair... but now as I reflect on that thought- maybe it would have been too hard.I am overwelmed with joy to hold her in my arms. I just want to snuggle her so close and kiss her little face all the time. :) I want to hold onto her and never ever let go. But sometimes, I am overcome with a bit of saddness too. Each time I hold her in my arms, I am reminded of how little I got to hold Faith. When she looks at me with her sweet almond shaped eyes( just like Dad) I think how I never got to see Faith gazing at me- becuase she never opened her eyes.It is so bittersweet- I am overwelmed with love for Olivia- and so saddened that I didnt get these opportunities with Faith too. It is the happiest time of my life and also one of the hardest times. I am reminded everytime I look at her how blessed I am- how much I have been given in life- and what I have lost. Although I dont know that lost is the best word- I know right where Faith is. We took Olivia to the cemetary when she was just 4 days old. It was one year and one day after Faith died- July 13th. We had planned to go on the 12th- her angel date- but an unexpected storm blew into town and kept us at home. I didnt think it would be so hard to go out there with Olivia to show her the grave... but my heart broke over and again with every step from the truck to Faiths plot. I wondered if I would be able to convey to my little girl how wonderful and special her big sister was. Would I be able to teach her about her strength and endurance? Or would she grow up only to know about her broken body? It overwelmed me in that moment to think about all the sisterly things that Olivia would miss out on knowing and I was insecure in my ability to teach her what a blessing Faith's short life was and is for me and for our family. I know there are many people that see no blessings or joy in what Faith had to endure- they see only the pain... but with all my heart I want to teach my children the joy of knowing her... to show them the few things that made her life valiant... I want them to see more than just sorrow........I could hardly speak as I opened my mouth to tell her about her beautiful copper headed big sister. I was at a loss for words even though I felt I had so very much to say. How do I share with her about things which I dont even fully understand?
The start I think comes with seeing the blessings.
It is true that in life there is a season for everything under the sun.But I am thankful for all those times... for the lowest of the valleys and for the tiny spots of joy that fall in even the darkest days... and for the great miracle of life that God showers upon me with the birth of each of my children.Life is precious.

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