Sunday, January 06, 2008

The Waiting- Faith's Story Part III

Now that we knew about Faith's diagnosis, we began to pray and wait. And learn as much as we could. I joined a message board with other trisomy families. I studied and studied the stories of other children born with trisomy 13- looking for a link, a similarity, something.I tried to return to work as normal as possible. Somedays I would cry quietly at my desk. Or cry during my drive between stores. And Faith began to kick and move. In those moments I held her so tight. I would sit still as long as I could and talk to her, sing to her, and just feel her move. It was a dark time though. We knew there was a good chance that she could die in utero- stop growing. I could go into early labor- any day. I tried to remain hopeful everyday. I hoped and prayed for our little girl so ferverently!!!It was hard to stay upbeat though. Cliff and I were having difficult conversations I had never imagined I would ever have. Conversations about her care.. about what our life would be like..... and asking questions.... What if? What if Faith dies? What will we do?We cried everytime we entered these conversations... we could barely get the words out.... but we pushed forward and tried to prepare. I began to grow depressed. Faith's growth began to slow down and I was placed on bed rest. OH HOW DARK WERE THOSE DAYS. Suddenly my life grew very still. Ethan would still go to Aunt Serene's so I could rest during the day. I tried to sleep as much as I could. I was so lonely. I was used to being so busy. At work I would come in contact with many people everyday. I had very few visitors. I think I could count all the visits I had in that last month on one hand or two hands. I couldnt sleep at night...... I would stay awake until the early morning praying and quoting any bible verse or song I knew to pass the time. I cried rivers of tears. I was trying to stay strong but I didnt know how we could face this- how we could do this. I still don't. In the darkest moments I would sing out one song " Be thou my vision" I would sing it to Faith, sing out to God, and pray for strength, pray that my heart be focused on God alone. I wondered everyday so many times a day " will I meet my daughter?" "will I get to hold her while she is alive?" " will my daughter make it?" " can I give her the care she needs?" " Can I do this?" At night, when I couldnt sleep I would slip out of bed as soundlessly as possible so I didnt wake Cliff and I would slouch down the hall to the study. I cried out to God so many times as I sat in the dark in that room. I cried for Faith,I cried for Cliff and Ethan, I cried for strength, but most of all I cried that God's will be done and that I could accept that. My heartache was so strong it was physical. My heart literally ached inside my chest. I thought it could rip in two.Still I had moments of great faith. Moments that brought me peace. I know God gave me those moments of relief ALWAYS when I needed them most... always after I felt the most broken. I knew that God would hold us. That he would guide us as we walked this journey. That he was in control. And eventually the time came after all the waiting......... to deliver our baby girl....

No comments: