Saturday, January 12, 2008

6 months

6 months
Dear Faith,
I stayed up all evening after Ethan went to bed and watched TV until the time came for the 12th to be here. I just couldnt go to sleep, although any other given night I would be happy to crawl into bed at 9 pm. It is six months since you left. Life continues to move on and I am looking for ways to carry you on with me. I cant stand the idea of life moving on from you. I hold you in my heart wherever I go. You are in my thoughts everyday and it never fails at the oddest times that something will happen or be said to bring my thoughts back to you. It is that heartstring that attaches my heart to yours and although you are not here anymore, it still tugs away.I have been writing your story of course. Well, the story I know of you. It has not been easy, but it has helped to heal my heart a bit. I am trying everyday to remember you with gladness and with less pain in my heart. Sometimes its hard but we are determined to push on to a day that we can remember you and only smile. Your Daddy, brother, and I talk about you so often still. I try to mention all the positive and delightful things about you I can so that we will not remember all those sad moments. I show Ethan your pictures and then we look at his baby pictures and we talk about what you both were like as babies. I make jokes about how you both came out crying... although your cries were a little delayed. I asked him if he knew what kind of car you drive and told him you get to drive a cloud up in heaven. He sleeps with Sprinkles almost everynight and he asks at least a few times a week where you are. We try to always tell him the same thing but in different ways so that he can learn to understand. We tell him that your old body is in the cemetary and your spirit is in Heaven with Jesus. We tell him you dont have any pain anymore. We tell him you never cry or are sad. He says he is sad. He just misses you. We tell him we miss you too.Six months sure isnt very long, is it baby girl? Sometimes it seems like a lifetime ago. I think about holding you in my arms in those last moments, about cuddling you in your isolete, about singing to you in the womb.... I still wish to fall asleep and dream of you at night........ maybe tonight will be the night eh?I love you dearest. My little one.Be careful driving that cloud around :) You are probably the youngest driver ever!!!
Love always and forever and ever with a big kiss and a cherry on top!


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