remember.release.refresh.renew.rebirth

In the last few years, this time of year has become one of difficulty. Everything that the holiday was and what it represented has changed. Don't get me wrong, the Christmas season is still a time that we celebrate our saviour and his presence in our lives..... but as wonderful as this season is... the absence of our daughter brings a heavy cloud to what used to be a joyous occasion... and this has changed the holiday very much for us. In the first few years it was almost an overwhelming struggle to make it through the month of December.
It is still a strange month with many days of ups and downs but it is emerging into something else... something more. It is in these recent years that I not only rejoice in Christ's birth but I also feel the pain and heartache of the journey he walked to bring new life to us. It is during this time that I am beginning to understand that I am not alone in my hurt, my pain, my grief, and my sorrows. The world is full of them.
I am learning to see this season for what it is. A season of remembrance. A time to remember the journey that Christ walked to bring us life, a time to remember whom we hold most dear-those closest to our hearts. It is a time to release, a time to let go of the things that weigh us down, and a time to pour out our tears and our hurts as an offering to God. It is a time to refresh and reflect on God and his glory and to rest with our families. It is a time to refocus, to renew our strength, renew our faith, and renew our hearts and minds. And lastly, it is a time of rebirth. It is a time to reflect on the last year and the amazing journey that Christ has taken us on and to use the things we have faced in the last year- the joys, the sorrows, the difficulties, and the blessings to shape and mold us into better people.
In the last few weeks I have said over and again how glad I am that 2010 is approaching- that I will be so glad when 2009 is over and that 2010 will be a great year! As quick as I was to let go of 2009 and hide it from my sight, I recognize that it was 2009 that brought me to the place that I will be in 2010. It was this journey in the last year and all its ups and downs that have molded the me of today and the me of tomorrow. Instead of turning my back on everything that happened in 2009, I am going to use it as a catapult to launch me into an even better person in 2010.

Stay tuned, new years resolutions thoughts and ideals to come.

2009, I thank you for all that you have taught me and all that you have brought me, both good and bad.
2010, here I come!

Well Timed Words

I have a few friends that have a God given knack of saying the right thing at the right time. I wrote about one of them a few months ago in regards to some encouragement and advise they gave me while I was struggling in one of my friendships.
My friend Tami is one of these friends with perfect timing.
When I got home from work yesterday, there was a package waiting for me that came from the lovely and frigid state of Washington. I didn't have to look at the return label to know it was from Tami. 1. Because she told me it was coming and 2. Because she has a wonderful habit of sending me packages, cards, or CD's at perfectly timed intervals throughout the year that I need them most, and let me tell you, this was one of those times that I needed a pick me up.
The package included my Christmas gift as well as a CD for me and another copy for Cliff of songs to encourage us during this difficult season. It was obvious once I placed the CD into my player that she had spent a great deal of time picking the songs and placing them in just the right order to encourage my heart. Not only had she taken the time to plan the play list, she also included the lyrics to every song and scripture verses of comfort that she felt matched each song.
I have been listening to the CD as often as I can in the last 24 hours and it has both uplifted my heart and helped to provoke the tears that I have needed to cry to heal.
The bible says this in proverbs 25:11 "A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver."
I am so thankful for Tami and her aptly timed words.

Girl Time

A few days off together is just what we ladies needed. Olivia and I spent last Wednesday and Thursday at home together, playing, resting, and just being.
We made dinner for the boys on Wednesday and got the boys to take us out to dinner on Thursday. We played around, spent the mornings in our PJ's snuggling, cleaned house a little bit, and danced and sang.
Olivia was inquisitive and as independent as ever and managed to climb onto the table and get into my purse, dig a half eaten pudding cup from the trash and get it all over her face and hands( and who knows how much she ate!) and get the stepping stool out from behind the trash can and dragged up to the counter on the other end of the kitchen. This all took place in the matter of one hour. I decided to purge and clean out a few cabinets to keep us busy. the distraction worked and Olivia spent the rest of the day digging cups or bottles out of the large storage totes and carrying them all over the house.Last week I finally packed up all my maternity clothes and put them away, this week, Olivia helped me clean out all the baby bottles and things from the cabinets. I have been holding onto them for the last few months, hoping to put them to use. I have decided that instead of seeing them everytime I opened the cubbard door as a reminder of what we have lost, I will pack them away and rejoice when I finally get to unpack them again.

Currently Reading

Today I picked up a copy of Firefly Lane By Kristin Hannah

It is a book about the friendship between two girls that spans 3 decades of time and starts in the heart of the 70's during a summer break filled with bikerides down a mostly abandoned road, Firefly Lane.
I am only in the first chapter, but already I am enchanted. The book promises twists and turns, ups and downs, and thus far an unpredictible ending. I look forward to finding out the story of Tully and Kate.

Test results came back today

We got the tests results done today from the miscarriage. The standard results labeled the miscarriage a missed abortion which means that the baby died in utero but my body continued to carry it or had not miscarried it. We had also requested chromosome testing since this was the second miscarriage in six months and we previously had a baby with Trisomy 13. We would also find out what the babies sex would have been which I think would have been nice to know because I wanted to pick a name for the baby that would be up in heaven with Faith that I could carry in my heart as a reminder of this child that I never met.
The pathology lab was unable to run these tests for us because the samples sent to them did not have enough villi present to run the correct tests. I was very dissapointed by this news.
Cliff says that maybe it is for the best that we can't know. He said maybe it would be harder to know if a chromosome issue had caused the baby to die or to know if it was a little boy or little girl. I suppose he could be right.After all, we knew Faith had trisomy 13 which ultimately caused the complications that led to her death but my heart still has a hundred questions why.and my heart still aches for her.
Either way, knowing or not knowing, I am still incredibly sad and I wonder what could have been with this little one.

Jolly Good Monday

Today was a GOOD day.

In fact it wasn't just a good day, it was a JOLLY good day.

This could be for many reasons.

It was in fact two people I dearly loves birthday- my dear friend Tami(check out her site by clicking on the picture to the right) and one of my red headed cousin's- Ian. Finally, at many miles overdue, I took Spiffirifica by the dealer and got the oil changed.Last nights cumulative hours of sleep? Wayyyyy more than four! I am finally a little bit rested after my 7 day straight work stretch that originated on Black Friday. Ethan, Olivia, AND my hubby all gave me some sugars before I left for work. Ethan even gave me sugars twice. Seriously folks, I even had time to get a bagel sandwich from the Old School bagel cafe- it was a JOLLY GOOD DAY! Call it another hormone surge or stabilization as my levels continue to return to normal from my miscarriage or call it a series of fortunate events...

Or just call it blessed.

I don't care what you call it- because any way you chalk up today- it was a darn Jolly Good Monday!

Does absence make the heart grow fonder?

You will have to forgive me for being so absent from my blog. I wonder, with how much time has passed, do I have any readers left?

If not, its okay, I plan to blog away today anyways.

Its been a bit of a rough go of things the last few weeks. I feel like there were so many things to update you on that has been going on in our lives..... fun moments with the kids, comings and goings, and just the spillover of all my thoughts. But, the truth is that no matter how good I thought I was doing with the Miscarriage and D&C, the last few weeks have started to unravel for me and I am left with a stinging heart and empty arms... and this makes me sad... and I have found it incredibly hard to write.
I did really well with things the first week or so after, and to tell you the truth, I think I am doing pretty darn good now........ but that doesnt mean its easy.
I have so many questions in my head. I wonder why this road of conceiving is filled with so much heartache. Would it be easier if I didnt get pregnant instead of miscarrying? I find peace in knowing that these two little ones are in Heaven now with their big sister Faith, so shouldnt that make the hurt less? Will we get to have another baby of our own in our arms? My life is so full, is it even right to long for that?

I know these are tough questions... and honestly these are not questions I expect to find an answer for.
I have decided that the best way that I can cope with this situation is to focus on the blessings that we do have in our life... and to thank God for them everyday and in everyway that I can. I am focusing on trying to be better at being me and being me with a loving and giving heart.
Its not easy- but each day I start again.

And this is how I start over again each day:Today was the day that we went to pick out the stuff for our lifepacks. Each year during the holidays, we pick out a lifepack from Lifechurch( a bag that will go to a needy child) and we fill it for a child that would be the same age as Faith and with things that we would buy for her. This year we included 2 more packs, one for each of the babies we miscarried this year.
It always feels so good to buy the things and to pack the bags full.... and it hurts so much too to think how few opportunities I will have in this life to buy things for my little girl.... and now our other 2 little angels as well. I hope the contents of these bags bless the recieving child in a big way. I hope that their lives are filled with love. I hope that they are safe and warm and cared for this holiday... and most of all I hope they have someone in their life that loves them enough to teach them all about the love of Christ. I pray all of these things in Jesus Name. I would greatly appreciate if you could take a moment to pray for these children with me- whoever they are- where ever they are. Please pray that they grow up in the knowledge that God loves them very much and understand just how important and beloved they are to him. After all, God knows every hair that is upon our heads.