Friday, February 13, 2009

Struggly Struggleness

Truth be told, struggles arent so much a laughing matter........ but so often we lay them out to be a comical poke at ones self. Throughout the day, working with the public as I do, I hear story after story of an attempt to do something gone awry. It is easy to talk about how we physically struggle to complete a task or job. Think of the last time you unsuccessfully tried to pick up something insanely heavy, or tried to carry one object to many, or tried a new sport for that matter.
What we talk less comically about are internal struggles. Actually, we don't just speak of them in a less comical sense, but we just speak less of them period. Its easy to poke fun at something that occurs with the body, but hard to bear a struggle in our heart.
My heart these days, is struggling. Not that I am the only one. This is what we are really referring to when we say we are having a good or bad day right? A bad day is filled with frustrations, anger, sadness, lonliness, crabbiness........... heart struggles.
Its just that I keep pouring these heart struggles out to God, hoping he will either correct them or give me direction to move further away from them... so that I dont feel them so closely under my skin, a constant reminder of my state of mind... or perhaps I should say state of heart?
I dont know when an answer will come, if it will come, or how I would recognize it if it came.
None the less I push forward, lay it out again, pour my struggles out of my heart and offer them to God.
It is what I can give to the offering plate at the moment. In my heart I hope to be able to give so much more.
Its funny to say that I struggle with a desire to be complacent. I dont mean complacent as in luke warm or apathetic.... I mean, complacent with the place that God has brought me to at this time in my life. Complacent with my job, complacent with the amount of time I have to serve God in ministry, complacent with the amount of time I am able to give my family.... and if He cannot give me complacency... then direction on how to get to a new place, a new balance, .......... a place that I can feel content in Him and in my spot in the grand scheme of things.
My heart is overburdened with this unsettling feeling of being........ unsettled. I am praying for answers....
I am praying for deliverence from this Struggly struggleness.


The Warren Family said...

I miss you. I know that doesn't help but I miss your honesty and your openness. You have no idea how it encourages me to face my own struggles.

All the world's a stage said...

And sometimes I just feel struggled you? Will they ever go away? I want the Clever just want to see the good and beautiful everyday. Will that help? I don't know...
I love you!