Thursday, June 12, 2008

The Parting- Faith's story Part VI

11 months ago today, Faith departed this earth.I awoke that morning with a great internal heaviness. OUTSIDE the hospital walls the rain was coming down- literally in some parts of the state in floods. These were some of the biggest rain showers we had seen in years during the heat of the summer. It was strange weather for a strange time. INSIDE, my heart was breaking and flooding my body with great sorrow. I didnt know it was the day that Faith would part. She had been resting so well the day before and although it had been only days since we got the news of how broken her body was- she had been fighting so hard that I hoped for miracles of life. I didnt know why my heart was so heavy, but that morning I was so uneasy and so broken that I didnt know if I had ever felt any lower. For all the internal and emotional distress I was feeling, Cliffs body was giving him grief in another way. He awoke that morning with one of the worst migraine's he has ever had. It seems really that as her parents, our spirits and our bodies knew that something was occuring.I took my journal and book and went down to visit Faith in the Nicu. I tried to stay up beat, to talk to her and sing to her... but it was almost too much. I prayed to God to ease the heaviness in my hold the pieces of me together that felt as if they were falling apart. Eventually I wondered down to lunch in the cafeteria..... and it was after I finished my indian taco( i dont think i will ever forget the meal i ate that day) I got a call on my cell phone. It was one of the surgical residents and she said I had better come on up. I knew in my heart that this was the call. That things were bad.... I called to Cliff to meet me in the NICU and raced for the elevator. As I scrubbed in on the 7th floor my heart was in my lungs and beating so very hard. When I went into Faith's room the machines were sending an alarm which had been going on so long that someone had hit the mute button and the nurse and several doctors were in there trying to get her oxygen levels to return to normal. They explained that she had been desaturating for over 15 minutes at least and that they had attempted blow by blows..... did I want them to try anything else in an effort to save her? I knew this was the question that we had dreaded- the moment we hoped not to face. Cliff wasnt in the room yet but we had already discussed our thoughts and desires for her care. They were asking if they should attempt chest compressions. " No" I said as there was nothing more I knew to say. "My husband is on his way" The nurse told me I could hold her and still keep her on the vent awhile to allow my husband time to get there. I couldnt believe I was finally going to get to hold my tiny baby girl in my arms... and now it was time to say goodbye. I held her and talked to her through my tears. I told her it was okay to let go. Cliff arrived and he held her too... and we cried as we stroked her face, carressed her hair, and held her tightly in our arms as we had longed to do for so long. We told her over and again that we loved her. The medical team removed the vent... and by this time she was already growing faint. We held her in our arms until her spirit left her body. The doctor listened to her heart and called her time of death. I looked down in her face which was now slack and knew she was gone. The nurse helped us to give her the first and final bath... We cleaned her body and removed all the tape and wires and tubes.... and I got to see how beautiful my baby was without all those other things in the way.I didnt know how I was going to be able to leave that hospital and face the trip home, much less the days ahead. I reminded myself over and again that she already had a perfect new body in heaven, and that we would meet there again.... but my heart was still so broken. I had held my baby in my arms as she breathed her last breath. I knew in that moment that I would never be the same person. Faith had profoundly changed my life and taught me the greatest lesson of loving unconditionally.......and she will be forever loved.

In Memorandum: Faith Constance CarlsonJuly 3 2007 - July 12 2007- Forever nine days in our hearts

No comments: