The Beginning- Faith's story

The story of Faith starts back in a cold November of 2006. Thanksgiving had passed along with the big bedlam game. I became very dizzy one day at work. I thought I was going to pass out. I thought maybe its becuase I forgot to eat and one of my co-workers had to drive me to pick up some food. As I sat nibbling that meal( it was Taco Bell if you were wondering) the first seeds of wonder sprouted in my mind that I might be pregnant. It had been awhile since we had tried to prevent having a baby so it really could happen at any time. That night as I drove home from work I stopped and picked up a pregnancy test. I couldnt believe it when the stick showed 2 lines!!! I ran downstairs to tell Cliff and we were so excited! A sibling for Ethan! Another little blessing! I apologized to Cliff for not having a more clever presentation. He suggested I do a broadway song and dance so I left the room, came back in and preformed a song and dance routine. We laughed and hugged and all was right with the world!!We called all of our family to tell them and they laughed with us at the thought of a new child coming into our home..... and the thought of Ethan playing the role of big brother.......From the beginning I hoped it was a girl! I asked God for a little girl to dote on and dress up and to share mommy daughter things with.During the pregnancy I felt good although always tired. Faith was slow to grow- but Ethan had been a little baby too so I wasnt surprised. I didnt suffer much more than occasional nausea. We waited until March for the ultrasound to see our little one. The technician took a long time and couldn't confirm if you were a girl or boy. Although she guessed at a girl. We took your pictures home and were elated to have so many litte snapshots of the baby in utero. It was tiny- about a week behind in growth so I thought maybe we were wrong about our dates.... It seems like Ethan had been a little bit behind as well...........It was the phone call I recieved 2 days later that changed EVERYTHING.I remember it like it was yesterday. I was in Oklahoma City preparing to teach a class and saw that I had missed a call from the Doctor's office. Dr Smithton himself called to tell me he needed to discuss the ultrasound. My heart fell. I called back to learn he was with a patient and waited in the kitchen of the office for the call to come in. When he called he told me that there was a problem detected on the ultrasound. I didnt understand what he was trying to say becuase I was in shock but I wrote down everything I could that he said so I could research it. He said that the baby had gastrochisis or an omphalocele- a condition were part of Faith's organs were outside her body. He said it may not be as serious as it sounds but had us set up to see a Specialist in Oklahoma city at the end of the month. I hung up the phone and began to cry. My baby! My sweetest little one! I texted my boss and asked to go home. That something was wrong with the baby and I needed to take a personal day. The people that worked at the business office asked me if I was okay " whats wrong?" They asked. and I told them something was wrong with the baby. I drove home. I dont remember when I called Cliff or how I told him. I remember getting on the internet and reading every thing I could about the conditions..... I never believed that what we were about to find out in the coming weeks could ever happen to us.........

Never

There will never be....
enough kisses to give
enough pictures to see
enough memories to cherish
enough times to hold you
enough days to know you
enough lullybyes to sing
enough tears to cry
Never.

Another Child

Another Child,
Does not replace the one that was lost,
Another Child,
is not a salve to cure the wounds of grief,
Another Child,
is not an eraser to wipe the past away.
Another Child,
is a gift of love,that will help to fill the mothers heart,
that is full of love for her children but big enough to love a hundred more.
Another Child,
is a gift of joy,that will help to fill a father's arms,that are strong enough to hold each of his children in his warm embrace.

Time

You have made my days a mere handbreadth;

the span of my years is as nothing before you.

Each man's life is but a breath. Psalms 34:5

Faith,
It has been 155 days since you were here with us. That is 17 times the length of your life on earth. Your life was but a short breath. I think about the days of your life in terms of other events. It is now only 11 days to Christmas. This is 2 days more than the length of your life here with us. I am so thankful for the days we had, but I wish they had been so many more!!! I remind myself now as I grow impatient for things to come around how short the wait really is. Each day is so precious. Each day counts. As I was thinking this week how much I wanted the days to just roll by so I could rest, I realized how much I might be missing. The here and now, today, is just as important as yesterday and tommorrow. Although, the here and now would be so much better with you in it.9 days. It is but a handsbreath. I wish I had 9000 days of you!Mommy

Just a Moment Please.......

For a moment our ears rang with the music of your kitten cries.
Our eyes gazed briefly at the waves of your copper infant tresses.
For a moment we felt your baby softskin,
warm against our hands embrace.
We breathed in deeplyyour sweet baby scent.
For a moment we held youtightly in our arms;
as your breathing slowed,your body went limp-
and you were gone in only a moment.
For a moment only we had you and held you.
It only took a moment to create a lifetime of love.
That moment was priceless.

In Memorandum Faith Constance CarlsonJuly 3 to July 12 2007
5 months is too long baby girl!!!!!!!!!!!!

Five Months Now

Dear Darling Faith,

Today, December 3rd will mark 5 months since your birth. I often wonder what you would be like at five months old. I have stopped trying to imagine a 5 month old you with T13, but imagine if you were here with us and healthy. I would be watching you dribble baby food out of your mouth and make a mess every night at dinner. I bet you would be sleeping through the night and excercising your little heart out in a exersaucer or activity seat. But you are not here with me in body so I think what this holiday will be like without you. We have a little pink tree in the corner of the living room decorated for you. Ethan helped me put up the ornaments and helps to plug it in every night. We put up our stockings..... four in a row, and yours is a satin pink one on the end with a rose on the cuff. On Christmas we will light a special candle for you and share our memories and thoughts of you and how wonderful you are. I wonder what Christmas will be like in Heaven? I bet you will have so much fun! Playing and laughing and celebrating! I bet the lights are amazing and will top any display we have here....... not to mention you must have the tastiest hot cocoa and cookies ...... I try to imagine but I can only imagine dear one.Things are beginning to move so quickly here. Ethan still talks about you everday. He really really misses you and told me today he wished he could hold you. I told him I want to hold you too, but he can pretend and thats okay. We talk about the new baby too....... I tell him it is a gift hand picked by you. He said if its a girl we should name it Faith, but I told him that is your name only and this baby will have its own name..... maybe you could send me a suggestion in my dreams? I still long to dream of you every night as I lay down my head. I love you and miss you and long for the day that we can be together again!

Sweet Dreams!
Mommy