"Glory Baby, You slipped away As fast as we could say baby, baby. You were growing, what happened Dear,You disappeared on us baby, baby. Heaven will hold you before we do Heaven will keep you safe Until we're home with you, Until we're home with you" Glory Baby- By Watermark.
I was only 5 to 6 weeks pregnant when I miscarried. It was going to be our fourth child. We had already lost a daughter at 9 days old to Trisomy 13. We were not planning for the pregnancy but felt blessed, hopeful, and a little timid none the less.
I was worried what people might think about me being pregnant for three years in a row. I thought maybe we were a little bit crazy to have another child so soon.... and yet I still felt so happy and blessed.
I was getting ready for work in the morning when it happened. I noticed a little bit of bleeding. I got very scared and very sad in the matter of seconds and I had a good guess of what was going to occur. The truth is that I didn't think it could happen to me. I thought that surely, since I had already had one child die, I wouldn't lose a baby to a miscarriage.... a baby I would never get to see or hold in my arms. I just though my body was so tough it would carry a baby, no matter how sick, because it had already carried Faith with Trisomy 13.
It is silly to make assumptions. Experiencing one tragedy does not exempt us in life from another.
I chose natural miscarriage over medical management and it took a month to complete. During that entire month I retreated into my shell. I just didn't feel like myself. I was fairly successful at putting on a face and even convincing myself at times that it was fine and didn't affect me much but it was incredibly difficult.
I cried out to God during this time and he heard my cries. Slowly, God repaired my body and then he repaired my heart. I slowly came out of my fog and began to feel normal again. It is a new normal now. The normal of a woman with two scars on her heart, one for each of her children that is not here to be held in her arms.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Thursday, July 23, 2009
The Terrible Two's
My sweet, beautiful, darling daughter Olivia recently turned one. For the first 10 months of her life she was laid back, calm, loving, and absolutely an easy baby.
One day that all changed.
It started with an insert of independence into our normal daily routine. She flipped over at a diaper change. Gradually, she began to flip over at each diaper change. Then she started flipping over and trying to crawl away. Then she began to twist and pout and try with all her might to get away at each diaper change, rolling over again and again. It is a miracle that her diaper even gets fastened sometimes.
She has found other ways to try to insist on her independence from refusing to allow us to dress her to fighting us as we brush her hair or put on her shoes( which end up kicked off somewhere in the house, the car, the ground, the store, who KNOWS where she will toss them next!) She throws all out temper tantrums - throwing her body backwards onto the ground, arching her back, and stamping her little feet into the ground. She has this last move down to a science and it is no longer a left foot/right foot alternation. She lifts both legs high into the air and slams them down to the ground at the same time. I swear I once saw the move on the WWF. It is a move that would make Hulk Hogan proud.
Honestly, I dont know where this child came from!
But yet I do.
You see, for all the things that Olivia insists on doing herself or doing her way... none of them are things that she has the skill or capacity to do herself right now. Yes, she could manage to get a cherrio from the high chair to her mouth but she can't get the cereal from the cabinet, she can't change her own diaper(she couldnt even open the diaper cream lid!) She can't dress herself, comb her hair, put on her shoes, or even walk well for that matter( I just know someday soon she is going to get that one down! Please! Walk!!!!) Olivia is trying so hard to do life HER way and yet, she could not successfully sustain life that way. And I can see a reflection of myself in her behavior, spiritually speaking.
She is absolutely and positively on the beginning edge of what many affectionately refer to as the terrible twos. As I watch her act out and think about her behavior, I cant help but ponder at what point in my life I went through the terrible twos with God, spiritually speaking. I would like to think I am past that point in my life and have matured enough spiritually that I dont act out in such a childish manner. But some days, I may be wrong about that assumption. I still have days that I try to be so self driven and independent of outside direction(even from God) and I havent seemed to learn that I cant survive independently without God in my life.
I have to ask myself- am I in my spiritual terrible twos? And can I ever outgrow them?
One day that all changed.
It started with an insert of independence into our normal daily routine. She flipped over at a diaper change. Gradually, she began to flip over at each diaper change. Then she started flipping over and trying to crawl away. Then she began to twist and pout and try with all her might to get away at each diaper change, rolling over again and again. It is a miracle that her diaper even gets fastened sometimes.
She has found other ways to try to insist on her independence from refusing to allow us to dress her to fighting us as we brush her hair or put on her shoes( which end up kicked off somewhere in the house, the car, the ground, the store, who KNOWS where she will toss them next!) She throws all out temper tantrums - throwing her body backwards onto the ground, arching her back, and stamping her little feet into the ground. She has this last move down to a science and it is no longer a left foot/right foot alternation. She lifts both legs high into the air and slams them down to the ground at the same time. I swear I once saw the move on the WWF. It is a move that would make Hulk Hogan proud.
Honestly, I dont know where this child came from!
But yet I do.
You see, for all the things that Olivia insists on doing herself or doing her way... none of them are things that she has the skill or capacity to do herself right now. Yes, she could manage to get a cherrio from the high chair to her mouth but she can't get the cereal from the cabinet, she can't change her own diaper(she couldnt even open the diaper cream lid!) She can't dress herself, comb her hair, put on her shoes, or even walk well for that matter( I just know someday soon she is going to get that one down! Please! Walk!!!!) Olivia is trying so hard to do life HER way and yet, she could not successfully sustain life that way. And I can see a reflection of myself in her behavior, spiritually speaking.
She is absolutely and positively on the beginning edge of what many affectionately refer to as the terrible twos. As I watch her act out and think about her behavior, I cant help but ponder at what point in my life I went through the terrible twos with God, spiritually speaking. I would like to think I am past that point in my life and have matured enough spiritually that I dont act out in such a childish manner. But some days, I may be wrong about that assumption. I still have days that I try to be so self driven and independent of outside direction(even from God) and I havent seemed to learn that I cant survive independently without God in my life.
I have to ask myself- am I in my spiritual terrible twos? And can I ever outgrow them?
Monday, July 20, 2009
The Soundtrack of Life
I love music.
I love the beat of it, the melody of it, the elaborate composition that creates a song or a piece. I love the way so many instruments and notes can come together and make a harmonious sound. And I love the simplicity of it too.... the delicate shivers I can receive from just one lone fine note.(insert image of a single harmonica note played at a campfire in the desert at night)
I love the way it can make me feel as happy as a lark... and as alone as the nightingale.
Music helps me to stimulate thought and to slow down my thinking when there is too much going on in my head. It has been my constant companion over the last three years during my long commutes. It has helped me to delight in old memories, get pumped up for a long day, and remember and grieve for my daughter. Music has been a release for me like no other in recent months.
There is just something about just the right song isn't there? You know... THE song. The one that you have been listening to on your radio( or Ipod for you technologically savvy folks) over and over again in the last few weeks. It does something, touches an emotion or thought somewhere inside us.
For me, it makes me feel alive.
It also helps me to connect deeply at times with our Savior.
I can lift up my voice and my vulnerable heart to God with the loudest song or softest whisper... and as the music pours over me I know that He is listening.
And sometimes in the song.....He is speaking.
As often as I stumble upon a new song that quickly gets added to my playlist, I am just as often seeking out songs that I have heard in the past and know I will love..... and secretly adding them to my own personal playlist... you know.... The Soundtrack of my life.
I am not ashamed to admit that I will often (and I do mean often becuase I spend hours upon hours in the car with the radio and my ipod:) hear a new song or an old song and have an Aha! moment as to how that song will fit into or define my life. The writer in me is always dying to tell a story( even an average one, tsk, tsk) and is always looking for ways to accent and articulate the essence of the story. Sometimes, when I hear a song I know just the moment or memory in my life that it will define.
The Soundtrack of my life is an ever evolving list. I dont think that it will ever stop growing or changing.
And this is the beauty of it.
There is always another moment of life to create and always another song to define it.
My Life soundtrack includes songs from Creedence Clearwater Revival, MercyMe, Caedmon's Call, Dixie Chicks, and Aerosmith to name a few... there might even be a song in there from New Kids on the Block. :)
Do you have a soundtrack to your life? And if so, what is it?
I love the beat of it, the melody of it, the elaborate composition that creates a song or a piece. I love the way so many instruments and notes can come together and make a harmonious sound. And I love the simplicity of it too.... the delicate shivers I can receive from just one lone fine note.(insert image of a single harmonica note played at a campfire in the desert at night)
I love the way it can make me feel as happy as a lark... and as alone as the nightingale.
Music helps me to stimulate thought and to slow down my thinking when there is too much going on in my head. It has been my constant companion over the last three years during my long commutes. It has helped me to delight in old memories, get pumped up for a long day, and remember and grieve for my daughter. Music has been a release for me like no other in recent months.
There is just something about just the right song isn't there? You know... THE song. The one that you have been listening to on your radio( or Ipod for you technologically savvy folks) over and over again in the last few weeks. It does something, touches an emotion or thought somewhere inside us.
For me, it makes me feel alive.
It also helps me to connect deeply at times with our Savior.
I can lift up my voice and my vulnerable heart to God with the loudest song or softest whisper... and as the music pours over me I know that He is listening.
And sometimes in the song.....He is speaking.
As often as I stumble upon a new song that quickly gets added to my playlist, I am just as often seeking out songs that I have heard in the past and know I will love..... and secretly adding them to my own personal playlist... you know.... The Soundtrack of my life.
I am not ashamed to admit that I will often (and I do mean often becuase I spend hours upon hours in the car with the radio and my ipod:) hear a new song or an old song and have an Aha! moment as to how that song will fit into or define my life. The writer in me is always dying to tell a story( even an average one, tsk, tsk) and is always looking for ways to accent and articulate the essence of the story. Sometimes, when I hear a song I know just the moment or memory in my life that it will define.
The Soundtrack of my life is an ever evolving list. I dont think that it will ever stop growing or changing.
And this is the beauty of it.
There is always another moment of life to create and always another song to define it.
My Life soundtrack includes songs from Creedence Clearwater Revival, MercyMe, Caedmon's Call, Dixie Chicks, and Aerosmith to name a few... there might even be a song in there from New Kids on the Block. :)
Do you have a soundtrack to your life? And if so, what is it?
Friday, July 17, 2009
I love my..............
I love my...........
Ed Hardy Perfume!
One of the ladies I work with on occasion has a habit of spraying perfume on in the back of the store just before her shift starts. This week, for the second time, I caught a wiff of Ed Hardy perfume.
Let me preface this to say that I am not much of a perfume gal. It is really hard to find scents that work well with my chemical makeup that don't end up smelling too floral or "old ladyish".
My last perfume favorite prior to 2009 was Tribu in 1994. I tend to stick with body sprays from Bath and Body Works.
Once I caught my second wiff of the Ed Hardy Perfume I was hooked! I thought about it all week and while I was in the city yesterday I took a detour by the mall to get some Godiva Chocolate truffles( my favorite) and stopped by the Lancome counter at Macy's. I don't get out much. Really. Not for myself anyways, so this was a very nice treat. As I was ringing up my Mascara, I asked the cashier if she could sell me a bottle of perfume at her counter or if I needed to visit that counter when we were done. She was more than happy to do so and escorted me over to the Ed Hardy fragrances. We both tried out the scents and oohed and awwed over which of our arms smelled better. I settled on the Love & Luck. I LOVE IT!!!!!!!
Just a few months back I discovered another perfume that I also fell in love with while shopping for a mothers day gift for my MIL.
Its called Unconditional Love by Philosophy ( it was next to a perfume named Grace which is what drew my attention in the first place.) It is a sweeter fragrance than Ed Hardy, but just as delicious.
It would seem that 2009 is my year to smell good :) I know that will make my co workers happy when we are working in close proximity .
Let me preface this to say that I am not much of a perfume gal. It is really hard to find scents that work well with my chemical makeup that don't end up smelling too floral or "old ladyish".
My last perfume favorite prior to 2009 was Tribu in 1994. I tend to stick with body sprays from Bath and Body Works.
Once I caught my second wiff of the Ed Hardy Perfume I was hooked! I thought about it all week and while I was in the city yesterday I took a detour by the mall to get some Godiva Chocolate truffles( my favorite) and stopped by the Lancome counter at Macy's. I don't get out much. Really. Not for myself anyways, so this was a very nice treat. As I was ringing up my Mascara, I asked the cashier if she could sell me a bottle of perfume at her counter or if I needed to visit that counter when we were done. She was more than happy to do so and escorted me over to the Ed Hardy fragrances. We both tried out the scents and oohed and awwed over which of our arms smelled better. I settled on the Love & Luck. I LOVE IT!!!!!!!
Just a few months back I discovered another perfume that I also fell in love with while shopping for a mothers day gift for my MIL.
Its called Unconditional Love by Philosophy ( it was next to a perfume named Grace which is what drew my attention in the first place.) It is a sweeter fragrance than Ed Hardy, but just as delicious.
It would seem that 2009 is my year to smell good :) I know that will make my co workers happy when we are working in close proximity .
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Letter to my Daughter
Dearest Faith,
How hard it is to believe that it has been 2 years since I held you in my arms and told you goodbye. I can still remember what your soft silky skin felt like. You were so tiny I could cup your whole body in my hands. I used to rest one palm on your curled up feet or bottom and the other across your chest and ribs. It was the closest I was allowed to get to craddling you in my arms while you were on the ventilator. I would sing to you every song I could think of and you would relax at the sound of my voice. You especially liked to hold onto your daddy's finger tip- your little grip on him was so slight, but as tight as could be.
On the day you died I could tell that you were so tired. So very very tired. I knew in my heart that it was time for you to go but my heart was breaking that it was so.
Your daddy and I cradled you in our arms as you drifted away. We whispered in your ear how much we loved you, kissed your cheeks, your eyes, your little tiny chin.( just like dad, you had that stubborn chin)
You departed so softly and quietly, as if you were tiptoed up to heaven.
I still wonder everyday what life would be like if you were here. I am often asked by people I meet how many children I have and I never hesitate to mention all three of my children- the two that are here on earth and my tiny red headed angel that lives with God in heaven.
We talk about you all the time in our home. Ethan asks questions about you and your life and death. He tells me that he wishes he could see you. Each night when we say our prayers we thank God for you.
I do thank God for you. I thank God for choosing me to be your mom and for allowing me to be the one to care for you for the few days you were here. I thank God for allowing me to shelter you in my womb until it was time for you to be born. I will continue to carry you in heart, wherever I go, whatever I do.
I love you my sweet girl.
Yours forever and ever,
Mommy
How hard it is to believe that it has been 2 years since I held you in my arms and told you goodbye. I can still remember what your soft silky skin felt like. You were so tiny I could cup your whole body in my hands. I used to rest one palm on your curled up feet or bottom and the other across your chest and ribs. It was the closest I was allowed to get to craddling you in my arms while you were on the ventilator. I would sing to you every song I could think of and you would relax at the sound of my voice. You especially liked to hold onto your daddy's finger tip- your little grip on him was so slight, but as tight as could be.
On the day you died I could tell that you were so tired. So very very tired. I knew in my heart that it was time for you to go but my heart was breaking that it was so.
Your daddy and I cradled you in our arms as you drifted away. We whispered in your ear how much we loved you, kissed your cheeks, your eyes, your little tiny chin.( just like dad, you had that stubborn chin)
You departed so softly and quietly, as if you were tiptoed up to heaven.
I still wonder everyday what life would be like if you were here. I am often asked by people I meet how many children I have and I never hesitate to mention all three of my children- the two that are here on earth and my tiny red headed angel that lives with God in heaven.
We talk about you all the time in our home. Ethan asks questions about you and your life and death. He tells me that he wishes he could see you. Each night when we say our prayers we thank God for you.
I do thank God for you. I thank God for choosing me to be your mom and for allowing me to be the one to care for you for the few days you were here. I thank God for allowing me to shelter you in my womb until it was time for you to be born. I will continue to carry you in heart, wherever I go, whatever I do.
I love you my sweet girl.
Yours forever and ever,
Mommy
Thursday, July 09, 2009
Happy Birthday Olivia!!!!!
We celebrated Olivia's 1st birthday today!!! We took a trip to Oklahoma City to have her one year portraits done( they look gorgeous! can't wait to get them in and post) and to check out the lego store.
Thursday evening Olivia had her very first cake!!!! She opened a few presents from Mommy, Daddy, Ethan, and Grandma.
It is so hard to believe that one year has already passed!!!!
It is so hard to believe that one year has already passed!!!!
Happy Birthday O, Livie, Livia, Liv, Livers, my Toothy Ruthy, Olive Juice, Missy Moo, Sis, Olivia Lou!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What is this?
Check it out
This is pretty cool!
She dug a hole in the middle of the cake
That was fun! What's next????
Friday, July 03, 2009
we lift our eyes to the heavens
"I see Your face in every sunriseThe colors of the morning are inside Your eyesThe world awakens in the light of the dayI look up to the sky and say You’re beautiful" Beautiful, Phil Wickham
We celebrated Faith's birthday this year with dignity and grace. Two years ago, on this day, she entered the world with a kittens cry announcing her arrival. She was a tiny thing, 3 lbs, 2 oz, 14 inches long.
We were joined by a few family and friends and had cake in her memory and retreated to her garden in the front yard at Twilight to sing Happy Birthday as we lifted up sparklers towards Heaven to salute her.
We were joined by a few family and friends and had cake in her memory and retreated to her garden in the front yard at Twilight to sing Happy Birthday as we lifted up sparklers towards Heaven to salute her.
We love you baby girl! Happy birthday! You are beautiful!!!
Happy Birthday Faith!!!
Today is Faith's second birthday. We will be doing a few special things to remember and celebrate her life today.
Here are two letters for Faith from her Grandpa Al and Grandma Angie which they sent to me on Thursday to make sure we got them in time for Faith's special day.
Dear Faith,
On this special day as we all gather together to celebrate your Birthday I want you to know that I miss you very much...We know that someday we will be together again as our walk in this life comes to an end. Yours was just allot shorter than ours. I just want you to know that you are a very special gift from God and being able to be with you has impacted my life in so many ways. I know that you are with Jesus and the Angels and they are taking very good care of you. I remember holding your tiny little hand and I rember how hard you fought to stay with us. Baby Faith Happy Birthday. I love you and miss you sweety. We will be togather some day..I love you so much!!!Grampa Owl
Dear Faith,
I remember so vividly the day you were born. There were so many family members and friends at the hospital that we had our own waiting room. Everyone was so excited we could hardly wait for you to be brought into this world. And then we got the wonderful news, you were here and you were breathing on your own. We all clapped and were hugging each other and thanking the good Lord above for you. One by one we all got to finally see your sweet little face. You were so beautiful. You had the tiniest little fingers and toes. For the next 9 days mommy and daddy never left you and family and friends came to visit with you. We did not want to let you go but Jesus needed a sweet beautiful angel. Faith you are forever in my heart and I wish you a happy birthday. I love you very much.Grandma Angie
Here are two letters for Faith from her Grandpa Al and Grandma Angie which they sent to me on Thursday to make sure we got them in time for Faith's special day.
Dear Faith,
On this special day as we all gather together to celebrate your Birthday I want you to know that I miss you very much...We know that someday we will be together again as our walk in this life comes to an end. Yours was just allot shorter than ours. I just want you to know that you are a very special gift from God and being able to be with you has impacted my life in so many ways. I know that you are with Jesus and the Angels and they are taking very good care of you. I remember holding your tiny little hand and I rember how hard you fought to stay with us. Baby Faith Happy Birthday. I love you and miss you sweety. We will be togather some day..I love you so much!!!Grampa Owl
Dear Faith,
I remember so vividly the day you were born. There were so many family members and friends at the hospital that we had our own waiting room. Everyone was so excited we could hardly wait for you to be brought into this world. And then we got the wonderful news, you were here and you were breathing on your own. We all clapped and were hugging each other and thanking the good Lord above for you. One by one we all got to finally see your sweet little face. You were so beautiful. You had the tiniest little fingers and toes. For the next 9 days mommy and daddy never left you and family and friends came to visit with you. We did not want to let you go but Jesus needed a sweet beautiful angel. Faith you are forever in my heart and I wish you a happy birthday. I love you very much.Grandma Angie
Thursday, July 02, 2009
Hiatus
err..............Vacation:). Cliff and I started our vacation today and will not be returning to work until July 14th! During our time on Hiatus from our normal routine we will celebrate Faiths Birthday, Celebrate Olivia's Birthday, have a garage sale, take a trip to Tulsa, experience Faith's angel date, and of course spend lots of time with the kids and each other.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
A Weekend Full of Merriment
We are back! It was a whirlwind weekend full of activities but it was oh so much fun!
We started off on our journey about 730 am on Saturday morning and it was non stop all the way!
We started off on our journey about 730 am on Saturday morning and it was non stop all the way!
First, we took the kids to Elizabeth's first birthday party. The theme was Beach Party Fun! and the kids played outside in the kiddie pools and in the sprinkler while mom and dad sweated it out( 11 am and it was nearing 100 degrees!), after this we met up with My old school friend, Amanda and her Hubby Nate and their new baby boy, Luke.
Then we met up with Cliffs parents, sister, and her kids for dinner at the Outback which we had not been to in ages. It was Fair Dinkum, Mate! We got a wild hair after dinner and decided to take a trip out on Hwy 7 to the Fireworks Warehouse. We got to take all four of the kids in our car for the trip out there which was so fun! It felt so good to finally have the Pacifica filled up with kids, even if it was just for an hour. Between the three families we loaded up on some pretty awesome fire works and then headed back to Mimi and Papa Carlson's house, at the Redbud Ranch, and set up for a firework show in the back pasture right after dark.
We stayed out until about 1130 watching fireworks and enjoying the show that Papa and Cliff put on for us, then we hit the hay!
Then we met up with Cliffs parents, sister, and her kids for dinner at the Outback which we had not been to in ages. It was Fair Dinkum, Mate! We got a wild hair after dinner and decided to take a trip out on Hwy 7 to the Fireworks Warehouse. We got to take all four of the kids in our car for the trip out there which was so fun! It felt so good to finally have the Pacifica filled up with kids, even if it was just for an hour. Between the three families we loaded up on some pretty awesome fire works and then headed back to Mimi and Papa Carlson's house, at the Redbud Ranch, and set up for a firework show in the back pasture right after dark.
We stayed out until about 1130 watching fireworks and enjoying the show that Papa and Cliff put on for us, then we hit the hay!
We met up with all the Carlson's again for brunch at Cracker Barrel in town and then Cliff, Olivia, and I hit the road for home. Ethan is staying over until Friday, Faith's birthday, and then Mimi and Papa will drive him home.
Here are a few pics of the kids and their cousins- enjoy!
Here are a few pics of the kids and their cousins- enjoy!
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Blogging From The Road
I am testing out Blogger from the road. Currently the family and I are on our way to Lawton for a birthday party that starts in approximately 10 minutes. We left about 30 minutes behind schedule at 730am. Approximately 3 pitstops( edit, make that 4 and a comment from my hubby as we leave the rest stop as the car gains momentum" Ha, now its like we are leaving the pit stop and headed back into the race!"), two tolls, and a crying baby will set us back to an arrival time of 1030 am. So three hours on the road is not too shabby! I am of course enjoying my new shades in this bright Oklahoma sun, Ethan is listening to his MP3 player, Olivia is on her second bottle, and Cliff's ipod is in tow and playing to make up for my faulty one(if u missed my rant on facebook yesterday- me and my ipod may be breaking up and are currently discussing a trial seperation)
I took so photos of the kids in the car but am not sure I can post them from the Blogger mobile site on my Blackberry.
Stay Tuned!
I took so photos of the kids in the car but am not sure I can post them from the Blogger mobile site on my Blackberry.
Stay Tuned!
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Thanks My Love!
My dearest Hubba Hubba Hubby got me a present today!
Here is a pic of me in the Oakley Felon's He ordered in for me.
They came in today and it made me very happy to wear them while I commuted in that scorching Oklahoma sun. The last time I bought sunglasses was four years ago during summer league softball, so I was overdue.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Life is not measured by the amount of breaths you take but the moments that take your breath away
Its true. I've heard this saying many times. Its a beautiful saying.
Life is not measured by me in breaths or days or weeks or years... but by the landmarks, the events, the moments that take my breath away. The funny thing about that saying, is that when I often hear it, people are referring to the joyful events.... but there are sorrowful and difficult moments that take our breath away, that change us, that mold us.... Events that we measure the rest of our life with.
My life is filled with moments that take my breath away............
Memories with Good friends
My parents divorced
Getting my first car
My First Job
Graduating High School
Going to College
Falling in love
Getting married
Buying our first home
Having our first child
A promotion at work
Moving to a new town
Recieving Faith's diagnosis of T13
Meeting her after she defied the odds
Holding my child in my arms as she died
Having another daughter!
Experiencing a miscarriage
Creating a blog( yes the blog made the list!)
Life is not measured by me in breaths or days or weeks or years... but by the landmarks, the events, the moments that take my breath away. The funny thing about that saying, is that when I often hear it, people are referring to the joyful events.... but there are sorrowful and difficult moments that take our breath away, that change us, that mold us.... Events that we measure the rest of our life with.
My life is filled with moments that take my breath away............
Memories with Good friends
My parents divorced
Getting my first car
My First Job
Graduating High School
Going to College
Falling in love
Getting married
Buying our first home
Having our first child
A promotion at work
Moving to a new town
Recieving Faith's diagnosis of T13
Meeting her after she defied the odds
Holding my child in my arms as she died
Having another daughter!
Experiencing a miscarriage
Creating a blog( yes the blog made the list!)
Monday, June 22, 2009
Its like Christmas in June!
Today I got an espresso maker! Now, before you jump to any conclusions about my spending habits.. let me just say I am a little too frugal to splurge on one of these no matter how much I want one.
My new drink of choice is a Skinny Caramel Latte iced. I have had them at Starbucks on a few rare occasions and love them! Not wanting to spend the green at Starbucks I have given in to a splurge on the McDonalds Iced Caramel coffee a few times a week. At 1.69 a pop- this is still alittle more than I want to spend when I could make it cheaply myself.
I got the FF Caramel syrup that I need for the recipe but couldnt make it work with regular coffee.... I was determined to keep trying and I asked my mom an easy way to steep my milk without a magical expresso machine.
My moms simple solution was to offer me her espresso maker. At first I declined as I am timid to do anything that would look like taking advantage of my mom.... but when I went over to her house tonight and saw that it was GASP! gathering dust...........I decided to take her up on the offer. Afterall, she offered. I didnt ask for it.
It is now sitting in my kitchen... and I am greatly anticipating my iced caramel skinny latte in the morning....
My new drink of choice is a Skinny Caramel Latte iced. I have had them at Starbucks on a few rare occasions and love them! Not wanting to spend the green at Starbucks I have given in to a splurge on the McDonalds Iced Caramel coffee a few times a week. At 1.69 a pop- this is still alittle more than I want to spend when I could make it cheaply myself.
I got the FF Caramel syrup that I need for the recipe but couldnt make it work with regular coffee.... I was determined to keep trying and I asked my mom an easy way to steep my milk without a magical expresso machine.
My moms simple solution was to offer me her espresso maker. At first I declined as I am timid to do anything that would look like taking advantage of my mom.... but when I went over to her house tonight and saw that it was GASP! gathering dust...........I decided to take her up on the offer. Afterall, she offered. I didnt ask for it.
It is now sitting in my kitchen... and I am greatly anticipating my iced caramel skinny latte in the morning....
Now if I could just get over this excitment and get to sleep.
I might really need that espresso in the morning after all.
I might really need that espresso in the morning after all.
To Coffee!! ( raises mug)
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Happy Father's Day
To a Father who has won my admiration, love, devotion, and belief. You are an amazing father!
Friday, June 19, 2009
Strange Month, this June
Faith Constance Carlson
Olivia Grace CarlsonJune is a strange month for me. It is a mixture of joy and sorrow. It is a month of anticipation.
Two years ago, on this day, the 19th of June, I wrote an update on Faith( on the LWT13 site) and how close we were to meeting her, just weeks away. The Dr. had placed me on bed rest on June 15 2007. The last two weeks of June I waited. I wondered and cried, worried and prayed, prayed and cried, called out to God on a daily basis for strength and endurance... and mercy and relief.
Just one year later, On June 15 2008 I was placed on bed rest a second time.... this time due to early contractions in my pregnancy with Olivia.
The second summer, during the last 2 weeks in June, I rested and prayed, worried and waited, hoped and prayed some more. I thought about the new life that God was delivering into our lives and about the short life of our daughter Faith who God delivered to us just one year before. It was a time of great anticipation and excitment, and it was a time of excruciating grief and loss.
This year is a little different as I am not pregnant and not on bed rest, but I find myself thinking and hoping, praying and crying, remembering and rejoicing.
This June, as we near Faith and Olivias birthdays, I rejoice in the lives of my precious girls.... I remember the few significant moments that God blessed us with Faith's life... and I recount the joy I experienced when God blessed us with Olivia's life- who arrived smack in the middle of Faith's birthday and Angel day.
When I think of the month of June and I look back over the last 2 years, I see a marvelous pattern forming with my God. During the time that my heart hurts the hardest, he is reconciling me to Him. He draws me close in a tight embrace at the time I need him most.
With all the angst and sorrow of June, I thank God for this time to sit with Him awhile.
To close, I will share Joshua 1:9. This is the first scripture verse that our son Ethan has memorized. It was taught to him at church and he has been practicing all month. How endearing it is to hear him recite this passage to me this month.
" Do not be afraid, or discouraged, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."
Two years ago, on this day, the 19th of June, I wrote an update on Faith( on the LWT13 site) and how close we were to meeting her, just weeks away. The Dr. had placed me on bed rest on June 15 2007. The last two weeks of June I waited. I wondered and cried, worried and prayed, prayed and cried, called out to God on a daily basis for strength and endurance... and mercy and relief.
Just one year later, On June 15 2008 I was placed on bed rest a second time.... this time due to early contractions in my pregnancy with Olivia.
The second summer, during the last 2 weeks in June, I rested and prayed, worried and waited, hoped and prayed some more. I thought about the new life that God was delivering into our lives and about the short life of our daughter Faith who God delivered to us just one year before. It was a time of great anticipation and excitment, and it was a time of excruciating grief and loss.
This year is a little different as I am not pregnant and not on bed rest, but I find myself thinking and hoping, praying and crying, remembering and rejoicing.
This June, as we near Faith and Olivias birthdays, I rejoice in the lives of my precious girls.... I remember the few significant moments that God blessed us with Faith's life... and I recount the joy I experienced when God blessed us with Olivia's life- who arrived smack in the middle of Faith's birthday and Angel day.
When I think of the month of June and I look back over the last 2 years, I see a marvelous pattern forming with my God. During the time that my heart hurts the hardest, he is reconciling me to Him. He draws me close in a tight embrace at the time I need him most.
With all the angst and sorrow of June, I thank God for this time to sit with Him awhile.
To close, I will share Joshua 1:9. This is the first scripture verse that our son Ethan has memorized. It was taught to him at church and he has been practicing all month. How endearing it is to hear him recite this passage to me this month.
" Do not be afraid, or discouraged, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."
"I'm an Okie from Muskogee"
Ethan on a camel, during our weekend tripThanks to Merle Haggard for making Muskogee Oklahoma Famous with that memorable song!
I am not really an Okie from Muskogee but my brother is- and my dad's side of the family all live there.
Growing up, we would visit often. We spent a week or two every summer with Aunt Peggy or Aunt Lori, our crazy red headed cousins( only half are red headed- but that is plenty enough of the crazy reds!) or Grandma Diane. Muskogee is like a second home away from home for me and it holds lots of fond memories.
This last weekend, we got to return to Muskogee with the kids for my Uncle J.B.'s 50th surprise birthday party.
We stayed over in Muskogee at a hotel which Ethan thought was just the coolest thing EVER. I know this becuase he told us multiple times " This is the best day EVER!"
We stayed over in Muskogee at a hotel which Ethan thought was just the coolest thing EVER. I know this becuase he told us multiple times " This is the best day EVER!"
Things went pretty smoothly with the kids on the trip although I did catch Ethan trying to pee on his cousin John Bailey in the playhouse during swim time. Before I could get on to Ethan much for this, I was informed that John Bailey did in fact pee on Ethan first . I was all set to get on to Ethan anyways when Cliff advised me that there are certain things a boy just has to do in those situations. Huh. Another one of those guy things that I didnt know or understand.
Sunday morning we woke up and headed to the Tulsa Zoo, followed by a trip to the mall before heading home.
The kids really enjoyed the zoo and Ethan decided that Sunday, rather than Saturday was " the best day EVER ever!"
Here are a few pictures from our weekend trip:
Sunday morning we woke up and headed to the Tulsa Zoo, followed by a trip to the mall before heading home.
The kids really enjoyed the zoo and Ethan decided that Sunday, rather than Saturday was " the best day EVER ever!"
Here are a few pictures from our weekend trip:
Ethan at the Hotel
Olivia finally going to sleep at the hotel 
A picture from inside the tunnel on the zoo train
Cliff and Olivia on the train
Ethan, right before the train started to go
See, everyone congregates around the air conditioner during Oklahoma summers, even the penguins!
One of the Flamingos. We liked watching them go to sleep by sticking their head in their back feathers
Monday, June 15, 2009
crazy week and April rose update
Its going to be a crazy week for me and I am not sure if I will get time to update as I will be spending part of the week out of town for work.
But I did want to jump on very quickly to mention an update about the April Rose situation and mention a few points about it.
I want to thank those of you that emailed or reached out to me after my last post to ensure that I was in the loop on the situation and to see how I was taking that. Thank you. Your friendship, your concern, and your active participation in my life means a lot to me.
I have been following the story of April Rose and the latest findings in this scam. It has been upsetting to me at some turns but the truth of the matter is that 1.I am very relieved to find out that there is not really another baby with Trisomy 13 whose health conditions are so bad that she will die.I rejoice in life. Every moment and every breath of life is precious and to find out that there is NOT a baby whose life is cut so short... this brings me a giant sigh of relief.
2. I am thankful for the publicity for Trisomy 13 and hope that there will be more people educated about it and able in their lifetimes to be a support to someone who has or has had a child with it.( The publicity is thanks in part to an amazing friend of mine who sent an email request to Beccah to get her to direct support to our Trisomy 13 groups page http://www.livingwithtrisomy13.org/) ( which I am so proud of my friend for doing!)
And lastly, 3. I have been frustrated, angry, and slightly obsessed with the story as new updates came out. I am not going to try to wash over this last part by only mentioning the more positive first 2 points. I have been disappointed and at times depressed that someone could take a life experience that is so close to my own heart( and the hearts of many other moms) and exploit it in way that would draw attention to herself. But I will say that Beccah was/is an incredible writer and I would have followed her blog even if she had mentioned it was fiction.... maybe even more so. The things she wrote were things I myself could have thought at the time I was pregnant with Faith.
Hopefully I can update again soon, when I get back into town and settled in with my beautiful family.
I can't wait to update you all about our fabulous weekend trip to Muskogee and Tulsa Oklahoma!
Always,
Micayla
But I did want to jump on very quickly to mention an update about the April Rose situation and mention a few points about it.
I want to thank those of you that emailed or reached out to me after my last post to ensure that I was in the loop on the situation and to see how I was taking that. Thank you. Your friendship, your concern, and your active participation in my life means a lot to me.
I have been following the story of April Rose and the latest findings in this scam. It has been upsetting to me at some turns but the truth of the matter is that 1.I am very relieved to find out that there is not really another baby with Trisomy 13 whose health conditions are so bad that she will die.I rejoice in life. Every moment and every breath of life is precious and to find out that there is NOT a baby whose life is cut so short... this brings me a giant sigh of relief.
2. I am thankful for the publicity for Trisomy 13 and hope that there will be more people educated about it and able in their lifetimes to be a support to someone who has or has had a child with it.( The publicity is thanks in part to an amazing friend of mine who sent an email request to Beccah to get her to direct support to our Trisomy 13 groups page http://www.livingwithtrisomy13.org/) ( which I am so proud of my friend for doing!)
And lastly, 3. I have been frustrated, angry, and slightly obsessed with the story as new updates came out. I am not going to try to wash over this last part by only mentioning the more positive first 2 points. I have been disappointed and at times depressed that someone could take a life experience that is so close to my own heart( and the hearts of many other moms) and exploit it in way that would draw attention to herself. But I will say that Beccah was/is an incredible writer and I would have followed her blog even if she had mentioned it was fiction.... maybe even more so. The things she wrote were things I myself could have thought at the time I was pregnant with Faith.
Hopefully I can update again soon, when I get back into town and settled in with my beautiful family.
I can't wait to update you all about our fabulous weekend trip to Muskogee and Tulsa Oklahoma!
Always,
Micayla
Monday, June 08, 2009
Its not my universe.
I think Caedmon's Call said it best: " Late at night I wonder, sometimes I wonder why?"
I really wonder sometimes why things happen the way they do... why some days go so smoothly, and bring joy, and others don't.
I wonder why some days nothing will phase me and I experience Joy all the way until I close my eyes to go to sleep.... and why some days are filled with tears and anguish and anxiety deep into the night.
I also wonder why some children grow up big and strong and some children never make it to be born... or why some are only with us 9 days or 32 minutes like my dear friend Tami's daughter Angeliyah.
I wonder why there is so much hate in the world( although I know the answer is the Devil, becuase I know that God is love) but I wonder sometimes why that is even allowed to exist and why some people turn to it so freely while others live their whole lives trying to be good.
Yesterday another trisomy Baby named April Rose was born. She wasnt expected to make it alive to birth, nor live much longer after and yet she is still alive and still hear. Her mom and dad are living minute by minute.... trying to get as much time as they can to know her and love her before her time to part this earth comes. April's mom has been keeping a blog to chronicle the difficult pregnancy ( which can be found in my bloglist) and now becuase of this they are recieving hate mail and even a mutilated first picture of April with devil horns drawn on the image.
This mommy and daddy are struggling through difficult moments- some of the hardest moments in life- and in the midst of that someone or several someones feel the need to try to hurt them and say and do terrible things. It angers me and it saddens me.
Today is three weeks to the day that I started to experience bleeding and my miscarriage began. Since the pregnancy was still very early, it shouldnt have taken my body too long to process things... but now it is three weeks later and I am still experiencing the miscarriage. It is a constant reminder to me all day long of the little baby that I won't get to hold in my arms. I wonder why it is taking so long?
Someone sent me a very thoughtful message today which said that now Faith would have a little brother or sister in heaven with her. This really helped to calm my heart... but it made me sad too..... I wonder why something so comforting can also make me cry.....
Ultimately, all these things going on compound the grief that I still carry around for my little red head. Most days, I am able to walk this earth without questioning, just accepting my course in life with hope for what tommorrow brings.
Today though, like some days, I wonder why things happen the way they do in this universe and I have to remind myself that it is not my universe.
This is God's universe and God does things his way. You may have a better way, but you don't have a universe. - J Vernon McGee
I really wonder sometimes why things happen the way they do... why some days go so smoothly, and bring joy, and others don't.
I wonder why some days nothing will phase me and I experience Joy all the way until I close my eyes to go to sleep.... and why some days are filled with tears and anguish and anxiety deep into the night.
I also wonder why some children grow up big and strong and some children never make it to be born... or why some are only with us 9 days or 32 minutes like my dear friend Tami's daughter Angeliyah.
I wonder why there is so much hate in the world( although I know the answer is the Devil, becuase I know that God is love) but I wonder sometimes why that is even allowed to exist and why some people turn to it so freely while others live their whole lives trying to be good.
Yesterday another trisomy Baby named April Rose was born. She wasnt expected to make it alive to birth, nor live much longer after and yet she is still alive and still hear. Her mom and dad are living minute by minute.... trying to get as much time as they can to know her and love her before her time to part this earth comes. April's mom has been keeping a blog to chronicle the difficult pregnancy ( which can be found in my bloglist) and now becuase of this they are recieving hate mail and even a mutilated first picture of April with devil horns drawn on the image.
This mommy and daddy are struggling through difficult moments- some of the hardest moments in life- and in the midst of that someone or several someones feel the need to try to hurt them and say and do terrible things. It angers me and it saddens me.
Today is three weeks to the day that I started to experience bleeding and my miscarriage began. Since the pregnancy was still very early, it shouldnt have taken my body too long to process things... but now it is three weeks later and I am still experiencing the miscarriage. It is a constant reminder to me all day long of the little baby that I won't get to hold in my arms. I wonder why it is taking so long?
Someone sent me a very thoughtful message today which said that now Faith would have a little brother or sister in heaven with her. This really helped to calm my heart... but it made me sad too..... I wonder why something so comforting can also make me cry.....
Ultimately, all these things going on compound the grief that I still carry around for my little red head. Most days, I am able to walk this earth without questioning, just accepting my course in life with hope for what tommorrow brings.
Today though, like some days, I wonder why things happen the way they do in this universe and I have to remind myself that it is not my universe.
This is God's universe and God does things his way. You may have a better way, but you don't have a universe. - J Vernon McGee
Happy Birthday Beautiful Girl!
Today is the 2nd birthday of my friend Tami Izzi's beautiful little girl Angeliyah.
Angeliyah was born prematurely on June 8 2007 and lived for 32 minutes all of which were spent held in her Mommy and Daddy's arms.
I am thinking of her and her family today as she celebrates her birthday in heaven. I know it has to be a Heavenly Celebration!!
Happy Heavenly Birthday Angeliyah!!!!!!
To read more about Angeliyah and her family, visit www.livingwithtrisomy13.org/memoriesofAngeliyah.htm or http://www.mtizzi.blogspot.com/
Her story is a courageous one.
Angeliyah was born prematurely on June 8 2007 and lived for 32 minutes all of which were spent held in her Mommy and Daddy's arms.
I am thinking of her and her family today as she celebrates her birthday in heaven. I know it has to be a Heavenly Celebration!!
Happy Heavenly Birthday Angeliyah!!!!!!
To read more about Angeliyah and her family, visit www.livingwithtrisomy13.org/memoriesofAngeliyah.htm or http://www.mtizzi.blogspot.com/
Her story is a courageous one.
Sunday, June 07, 2009
Watergun fights!!
Ethan requested we play outdoors with the watergun and I decided we needed to take it up a notch. While we were at the Store we purchased a few more waterguns and set a date for a watergun fight in the front yard after dinner.
We carried Olivia out in her excersaucer and we were off!
We might have to make this a weekly tradition or have a watergun fight party and invite lots of people over.
Here is Olivia watching the action.
And the boys in action.
Myself......... FINALLY
Last weekend I finally began to feel like myself again. I don't know what it was that marked the day as different.... but it was. And ever since then, I have felt a little more like myself everyday.
My body is not quite back to normal but it is getting there.
Its good to see you again, Self.
My body is not quite back to normal but it is getting there.
Its good to see you again, Self.
IF the shoe fits........
Monday May 25th was Cliff and I's seven year anniversary.To celebrate, we went out the following Monday for a little day date.
On a whim, as I looked in my closet for a pair of heels to wear with my skirt for our date, I decided to wear the same shoes I got married in. I had to take a picture to mark this occasion. there is nothing too special or fancy about the shoes.... just the fact that I was wearing them seven years ago when I pledged my life and my love to Cliff.
Maybe I will start a tradition to wear the shoes every year for our anniverary....
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