She Got the Call Today

She got the call today

one out of the grey

and when the smoke cleared

it took her breath away

She said she didn't believe

it could happen to me

I guess we are all

just one phone call from our knees

It was an early morning start for me. I was tired and nervous. I was almost too tired to feel my nerves but I was so nervous that no level of exhaustion could quite wipe away the steely feeling my nerves left in my stomach, tightly knotted and leaving my stomach feeling a little queasy.
This pregnancy had left me quite worn out and the travel schedule with work didn't help the overwhelming waves of exhaustion that caused me to crash down onto my couch each evening as I listened to Cliff give Ethan a bath as I drifted off to sleep.

But this morning was a special morning and also one that left me quite anxious. I was traveling to the city to help lead a training class for new associates. I was insanely nervous at the idea of speaking in front of a group, but was equally passionate about the importance of this training and this created enough drive for me to try to push my nerves aside. This was my first time to help lead the training and I was not as familiar with the materials and the flow of the class as I would like but I was determined to do it with passion and enthusiasm.

The fun part of leading the training course was that it was themed to make it more enjoyable. The theme was Space and I got to pick from two costumes to wear upon my arrival. The options were Obi Won Kenobi and Princess Leia and with my ever growing belly, I quickly determined that the flowing white robe of the Princess would be the most comfortable route to go. I went to the bathroom and put on the over sized white robe over my clothes and adjusted the cinnamon roll wig on my head, making sure to secure the cinnamon buns over each ear with a bobby pin.
I went back to the conference room and helped to finish prepping the room and joked around with a few people that worked at the business office. Just before class was set to begin I looked at my phone which I had already put into silent mode and saw that I missed a call around 7:50 am. I thought that it seemed very odd and checked my voicemail to find a message from my OB/GYN. The message asked me to call him back as soon as I could. The nerves that were already present in my stomach began to flutter a little bit faster but I pushed that feeling aside and told myself he probably just wanted to discuss my next appointment. I called his office back and the nurse said he was in with a patient but he would call me back. No sooner was I headed back to the training room and my phone began to ring again.
I went quickly back to the little kitchen and paced nervously as the Dr began to explain to me that something came back out of the ordinary on the ultrasound image. Something was wrong with our baby. I sat down at the little round table in my princess leia costume with the white robes spilling around my dangling feet and the cinnamon bun wig itching my head and nervously took notes as he explained to me that our baby had stomach organs or intestines growing outside her stomach. I wrote down what he was telling me as accurately as I could, trying to spell out words like omphalocele and gastroshisis so I could look them up later. I was too shocked to asked questions and my doctor seemed to have prepped for this because he calmly explained that it was too early to know what we were dealing with and he had already set up an appointment with a specialist for me. I hung up with the Dr and sat at the table for a moment in a daze. I leaned my face into my hands to try to hold back the hot tears from my tired eyes but they spilled over and unto the sleeves of the princess leia tunic. I knew there was no way that I could stay at work and tried to put on a brave face so that I could face my co-workers and let them know I was leaving to go home.
I walked around the corner to tell the Admin that something was wrong and I had to go home and as I passed another smaller conference room one of the associates there caught my eye. After I quickly explained to the admin that something was wrong with the baby and I needed to go home and headed back down the same hall, the associate in the conference room stopped me. Even in my shocked state I knew that I did not want to be rude, even though I really didn't want to make small talk with anyone.
"Hey Micayla!" They exclaimed boisterously. "How are you?!" I tried to control my voice so that the emotions wouldn't spill forth. "Okay." I said making eye contact quickly and looking away. " Geez," He joked " You are acting like something bad happened or something." I was floored at this and didn't know what to say. I don't even remember my response or how I got to my car and made the hour drive home. I spent the rest of the day in shock and an immense sense of dread as I researched as much information online as I could.
I didn't understand how this could be happening to me, TO US. I cried out to God, prayers and questions swirling in my head as the helpless tears rolled down my check over and over. This would be the beginning of many many days and weeks and months of tears and I would soon learn what it would be like to have crying become a part of my daily routine- so much a part of it that I swore off makeup in the coming months rather than reapply it several times a day.

And so our difficult journey had begun- with one simple phone call- 3 years ago on this day. March 14, 2007

Does absence make the heart grow fonder?

You will have to forgive me for being so absent from my blog. I wonder, with how much time has passed, do I have any readers left?

If not, its okay, I plan to blog away today anyways.

Its been a bit of a rough go of things the last few weeks. I feel like there were so many things to update you on that has been going on in our lives..... fun moments with the kids, comings and goings, and just the spillover of all my thoughts. But, the truth is that no matter how good I thought I was doing with the Miscarriage and D&C, the last few weeks have started to unravel for me and I am left with a stinging heart and empty arms... and this makes me sad... and I have found it incredibly hard to write.
I did really well with things the first week or so after, and to tell you the truth, I think I am doing pretty darn good now........ but that doesnt mean its easy.
I have so many questions in my head. I wonder why this road of conceiving is filled with so much heartache. Would it be easier if I didnt get pregnant instead of miscarrying? I find peace in knowing that these two little ones are in Heaven now with their big sister Faith, so shouldnt that make the hurt less? Will we get to have another baby of our own in our arms? My life is so full, is it even right to long for that?

I know these are tough questions... and honestly these are not questions I expect to find an answer for.
I have decided that the best way that I can cope with this situation is to focus on the blessings that we do have in our life... and to thank God for them everyday and in everyway that I can. I am focusing on trying to be better at being me and being me with a loving and giving heart.
Its not easy- but each day I start again.

And this is how I start over again each day:Today was the day that we went to pick out the stuff for our lifepacks. Each year during the holidays, we pick out a lifepack from Lifechurch( a bag that will go to a needy child) and we fill it for a child that would be the same age as Faith and with things that we would buy for her. This year we included 2 more packs, one for each of the babies we miscarried this year.
It always feels so good to buy the things and to pack the bags full.... and it hurts so much too to think how few opportunities I will have in this life to buy things for my little girl.... and now our other 2 little angels as well. I hope the contents of these bags bless the recieving child in a big way. I hope that their lives are filled with love. I hope that they are safe and warm and cared for this holiday... and most of all I hope they have someone in their life that loves them enough to teach them all about the love of Christ. I pray all of these things in Jesus Name. I would greatly appreciate if you could take a moment to pray for these children with me- whoever they are- where ever they are. Please pray that they grow up in the knowledge that God loves them very much and understand just how important and beloved they are to him. After all, God knows every hair that is upon our heads.

Just a moment please..........

Last weekend was a whirlwind weekend for me which started at the Sugarland Outdoor Zooamphitheater Concert Event in Oklahoma City. I was working the event at the US Cellular tent, taking free photos of fans which we printed out on the spot. It is quite a treat to see so many happy, excited people and to get to take a photo to help them commemorate the event.
I was happily snapping away and stepped away from a group of ladies to print out their portrait. As I waited for my picture to come out of the photo maker, I saw a wonderful picture come out just ahead of mine of a silly little girl with wild blond pigtails, Lisa Loeb type glasses, smiling empishly in a pink polkadoted dress and rain boots. She was definitely a ham! I smiled to myself and handed off the pictures I had printed to the eagerly waiting Sugarland fans and turned my attention to the little girl in polka dots.
It was just a moment, but it changed the atmosphere of the whole night. As I watched her with her family, my breath caught in my throat. She was there with her mom and dad, and a little sister who was in a matching polka dotted dressed and pearched gingerly on her daddy's shoulders. She had tiny little pigtail buns in her equally blond hair and it took only a moments glance to see that she was the more graceful, dainty sister. What a pair they made.
I had to remind myself to breath as I thought of my own two little girls, the 14 month old goofy girl I have here on earth, and her 26 month old sister, a graceful little angel in heaven. What would they look like in matching dresses? A fragile red head with curly hair and pale skin, and her brown haired, olive skinned, sturdy comedian sister in tow?My heart constricted and I excused myself to the bathroom(port-o-potty) before I began to cry.
I have been thinking of the two girls ever since... and trying to imagine my own ... together, in matching sister dresses.

Life is not measured by the amount of breaths you take but the moments that take your breath away

Its true. I've heard this saying many times. Its a beautiful saying.
Life is not measured by me in breaths or days or weeks or years... but by the landmarks, the events, the moments that take my breath away. The funny thing about that saying, is that when I often hear it, people are referring to the joyful events.... but there are sorrowful and difficult moments that take our breath away, that change us, that mold us.... Events that we measure the rest of our life with.
My life is filled with moments that take my breath away............

Memories with Good friends

My parents divorced

Getting my first car

My First Job

Graduating High School

Going to College

Falling in love

Getting married

Buying our first home

Having our first child

A promotion at work

Moving to a new town

Recieving Faith's diagnosis of T13

Meeting her after she defied the odds

Holding my child in my arms as she died

Having another daughter!

Experiencing a miscarriage

Creating a blog( yes the blog made the list!)

Strange Month, this June

Faith Constance Carlson
Olivia Grace Carlson

June is a strange month for me. It is a mixture of joy and sorrow. It is a month of anticipation.
Two years ago, on this day, the 19th of June, I wrote an update on Faith( on the LWT13 site) and how close we were to meeting her, just weeks away. The Dr. had placed me on bed rest on June 15 2007. The last two weeks of June I waited. I wondered and cried, worried and prayed, prayed and cried, called out to God on a daily basis for strength and endurance... and mercy and relief.
Just one year later, On June 15 2008 I was placed on bed rest a second time.... this time due to early contractions in my pregnancy with Olivia.
The second summer, during the last 2 weeks in June, I rested and prayed, worried and waited, hoped and prayed some more. I thought about the new life that God was delivering into our lives and about the short life of our daughter Faith who God delivered to us just one year before. It was a time of great anticipation and excitment, and it was a time of excruciating grief and loss.
This year is a little different as I am not pregnant and not on bed rest, but I find myself thinking and hoping, praying and crying, remembering and rejoicing.
This June, as we near Faith and Olivias birthdays, I rejoice in the lives of my precious girls.... I remember the few significant moments that God blessed us with Faith's life... and I recount the joy I experienced when God blessed us with Olivia's life- who arrived smack in the middle of Faith's birthday and Angel day.
When I think of the month of June and I look back over the last 2 years, I see a marvelous pattern forming with my God. During the time that my heart hurts the hardest, he is reconciling me to Him. He draws me close in a tight embrace at the time I need him most.
With all the angst and sorrow of June, I thank God for this time to sit with Him awhile.

To close, I will share Joshua 1:9. This is the first scripture verse that our son Ethan has memorized. It was taught to him at church and he has been practicing all month. How endearing it is to hear him recite this passage to me this month.
" Do not be afraid, or discouraged, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."

The Parting- Faith's story Part VI

11 months ago today, Faith departed this earth.I awoke that morning with a great internal heaviness. OUTSIDE the hospital walls the rain was coming down- literally in some parts of the state in floods. These were some of the biggest rain showers we had seen in years during the heat of the summer. It was strange weather for a strange time. INSIDE, my heart was breaking and flooding my body with great sorrow. I didnt know it was the day that Faith would part. She had been resting so well the day before and although it had been only days since we got the news of how broken her body was- she had been fighting so hard that I hoped for miracles of life. I didnt know why my heart was so heavy, but that morning I was so uneasy and so broken that I didnt know if I had ever felt any lower. For all the internal and emotional distress I was feeling, Cliffs body was giving him grief in another way. He awoke that morning with one of the worst migraine's he has ever had. It seems really that as her parents, our spirits and our bodies knew that something was occuring.I took my journal and book and went down to visit Faith in the Nicu. I tried to stay up beat, to talk to her and sing to her... but it was almost too much. I prayed to God to ease the heaviness in my heart...to hold the pieces of me together that felt as if they were falling apart. Eventually I wondered down to lunch in the cafeteria..... and it was after I finished my indian taco( i dont think i will ever forget the meal i ate that day) I got a call on my cell phone. It was one of the surgical residents and she said I had better come on up. I knew in my heart that this was the call. That things were bad.... I called to Cliff to meet me in the NICU and raced for the elevator. As I scrubbed in on the 7th floor my heart was in my lungs and beating so very hard. When I went into Faith's room the machines were sending an alarm which had been going on so long that someone had hit the mute button and the nurse and several doctors were in there trying to get her oxygen levels to return to normal. They explained that she had been desaturating for over 15 minutes at least and that they had attempted blow by blows..... did I want them to try anything else in an effort to save her? I knew this was the question that we had dreaded- the moment we hoped not to face. Cliff wasnt in the room yet but we had already discussed our thoughts and desires for her care. They were asking if they should attempt chest compressions. " No" I said as there was nothing more I knew to say. "My husband is on his way" The nurse told me I could hold her and still keep her on the vent awhile to allow my husband time to get there. I couldnt believe I was finally going to get to hold my tiny baby girl in my arms... and now it was time to say goodbye. I held her and talked to her through my tears. I told her it was okay to let go. Cliff arrived and he held her too... and we cried as we stroked her face, carressed her hair, and held her tightly in our arms as we had longed to do for so long. We told her over and again that we loved her. The medical team removed the vent... and by this time she was already growing faint. We held her in our arms until her spirit left her body. The doctor listened to her heart and called her time of death. I looked down in her face which was now slack and knew she was gone. The nurse helped us to give her the first and final bath... We cleaned her body and removed all the tape and wires and tubes.... and I got to see how beautiful my baby was without all those other things in the way.I didnt know how I was going to be able to leave that hospital and face the trip home, much less the days ahead. I reminded myself over and again that she already had a perfect new body in heaven, and that we would meet there again.... but my heart was still so broken. I had held my baby in my arms as she breathed her last breath. I knew in that moment that I would never be the same person. Faith had profoundly changed my life and taught me the greatest lesson of loving unconditionally.......and she will be forever loved.

In Memorandum: Faith Constance CarlsonJuly 3 2007 - July 12 2007- Forever nine days in our hearts

Confessions and Thoughts

I just finished a deep conversation with a friend that has spurred many thoughts and built upon others....
Guilt can be such a tricky thing. A friend and I were in deep conversation tonight and it spurred an entire conversation( which has been an ongoing conversation over the last few months) about guilt and its purpose. Maybe you are the kind of person that can easily place guilt and blame on your surroundings- other people- other things- but never you.... or perhaps you are one of the truly clairvoyant who can place guilt and blame upon its rightful owner at every turn... sometimes its you, sometimes its another, sometimes it just an odd set of coincidences. But you know where the truth lies, you accept it and move on..............Or perhaps you are like me. The kind of person that puts the weight of every interaction on your shoulders. It is my fault that so-in-so is unhappy. I havent been a good friend, I havent been a good wife, I am not a good mom. I yell too much, I dont call my friends enough, I dont work hard enough when I am at the office..... and so on and so forth.As a strength, those that tend to place guilt upon themselves in this fashion tend to be uber responsible for the things that are placed in their lives ... this may not be seen from an outward persepective... but it is an internal responsibility and attachment that is felt. But in weakeness, guilt can reck havoc on our physical, mental, and spiritual well being. In the most recent months I have felt extreme guilt and worry about Faith and why she died. And in my mind I know that I was not responsible for her death... but that doesnt stop me from thinking about and conjuring up every possible thing that I could have done or could not have done to make me responsible for her death. I have been through both physical, emotional, and spiritual reasons that I feel could have lead to the turn of events we have recently gone through. It is probably one of the most overwelming feelings and roadblocks that God is working on in my life right now. It is something I seek God's face for a lot. It is something that at times puts me to sleep with tears, makes me physically ill with worry, and overshadows the best of my days with darkness. Guilt can be a tricky thing...

New Normal

new normal
This was recently posted on a message board I am a part of and I decided to post it here.
From the heart of a bereaved Mother...
This is now what "normal"is...
Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someoneimportant is missing from all the important events in yourfamily's life.

Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery foBirthdays Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentine's Day, July 4th andEaster.

Normal is feeling like you know how to act and are more comfortable with a funeral than a wedding or birthday party...yet feeling a stab of pain in your heart when you smell the flowers and see the casket.

Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute withoutgetting up and screaming, because you just don't like to sit through anything.
Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly.
Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes andmind, holding your head to make it go away.
Normal is having the TV on the minute I walk into the house tohave noise, because the silence is deafening.
Normal is staring at every baby who looks like he is my baby'sage. And then thinking of the age she would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it willnever happen.
Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.
Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday,commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyesat how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part ofmy "normal".
Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and her birthday and survive these days. And trying to find the balloon or flag that fit's the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really.
Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight ofsomething special my baby loved. Thinking how she would love it, but how she is nothere to enjoy it.
Normal is having some people afraid to mention my baby.
Normal is making sure that others remember her.
Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on withtheir lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.
Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, thegrieving gets worse sometimes, not better.
Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their lifeto this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if yourchild is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare. Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.
Normal is disliking jokes about death or funerals, bodies beingreferred to as cadavers, when you know they were once someone's loved one.
Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, butsomeone stricken with grief over the loss of your child. Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feelwith chat buddies who have also lost a child.
Normal is feeling a common bond with friends on the computer inEngland, Australia, Canada, the Netherlands and all over the USA, but yetnever having met any of them face to face.
Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talkingand crying together over our children and our new lives.
Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleanedthe house, did laundry or if there is any food.
Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say youhave three children or two, because you will never see this person again andit is not worth explaining that my baby is in heaven. And yet when you sayyou have two children to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if youhave betrayed your baby.
Normal is avoiding McDonald's and Burger King playgrounds because of small, happy children that break your heart when you see them.
Normal is asking God why he took your child's life instead of yours .
Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or amillion years. And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that havebecome "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that youare "normal".

author unknown

whats next?

As a parent we desire to take all of our childrens hurts and wipe them away.... to fix what ails them, to nurse them through sickness. It starts from the day they are born, changing dirty diapers, rocking them when they cry. It is a hug and a kiss for the first time they bump their head as they are learning to walk. A bandaid on their first skinned knee. We read them a ton of books or bring them a bowl of ice cream when they are sick in bed, or lay beside them patting their back as they drift off to sleep. It is a comforting word and an encouragement the first time they get called a name in school. Or maybe its financial help and a place to stay when they get into trouble as a teen or adult.Maybe for some it comes in the form of sitting beside them for hours on end as they recover from a nasty break or illness, or making difficult decisions in their medical care becuase we want to give them every chance there is without allowing them to suffer too much.But what happens when it isnt enough? When there comes the point as a parent that we can do no more? What happens when a kiss and a hug, a bowl of ice cream, or all the medical care in the world can't take away the pain for our loved one? What do we do next when there is no action in the world that we can take to save a life? The life of our child? What comes next? What do we do as parents if the time comes for us to say good-bye? And what do we do when that time has past, and our child is gone, with the feelings we still have to fix their hurts?
Dear Lord, I think so often of Mary as she watched her son suffering on the cross. I understand her great sorrow in watching her son drift away before her eyes. I dont know what to do with all of these desires I have to care for Faith. I continually wonder if there was anything more I could do for her. Lord I know that your ways are just, that you are a caring and compassionate God. I know I may never know why Faith couldnt be healed but the hurt is there none the less. God please help to heal my broken heart. Give me solace in the shelter of your arms.

Laughter and Tears

Today was a good day.
Today I made a trek to the city to meet a friend for dinner and shop a bit for myself. I am finding my solitary time very lonely and try to fill up my time as much as I can. As I strolled through the mall I was deeply saddened by a small statue of a mom and a baby at the Hallmark store, by the children skipping by the fountain, and all the noise and hustle and bustle around me. As I walked through the mall I wondered at how life changes so fast. I wondered how I could go on each day with such a hole in my heart- and yet my heart is still beating. I marveled at the people around me and wondered who in my midst had sorrow pulsing through their veins, pulsing like a ragging river just as mine did, but who were equally successful at hiding it. My heart hurt for my absent daughter and it hurt for those around me that may be hurting too. I thought How hard life can be! Why is it so hard?Just when the burden grows so heavy that we can't seem to take anymore, God is faithful to step in and keep our foot from faltering and to help us carry the load. He is the ultimate shelter from this storm of life. As I continued through the mall God brought an old friend into my path. How she, with a busy 1 year old, job, and home to run, and I , who have gone to a mall 2 times in the last 3 months, happened to be in the same place at the same time in a big city with many malls, truly an act of God. Her presence brought joy to my heart. We talked only a few minutes but it was enough to lift my spirit- to turn my thoughts outward to those I care about instead of inward on all my sorrow.Following my time at the mall I met my oldest and dearest friend for dinner. I was able to be confortable in my own skin for the first time in many weeks in such a public place. We fell so easily into an old routine (that goes back years) and laughed and cut up until we were either about to cry or wet our pants from laughing so hard.I am thankful to God that my days are not only dark. That amongst my sorrow there can be joy...... amonst my tears there is still laughter.
Thank you God. Thank you for my daily breath of life! May I forge through even the darkest days so that I may glimpse the shining sun. May I give each day my all just as my sweet daughter gave hers for every day of her life.Your compassions are new each morning! Your compassions never fail............

2 weeks

Dearest Daughter,
It has been 2 weeks today since your death dear daughter and the pain is not any lighter. As we approach the hour of your death I cannot help but think of you. In fact, I think of you each and every day, all day, and I cannot imagine life without you, and yet I live it each day.I feel like there is an imaginary string that attaches my heart to yours, a heartstring. I feel so close to you and yet feel so far apart. I whisper words to you into the air, and they fall to earth becuase you are not here with me. I feel like I couldnt do enough for you, and the burden and longing in my heart to carry on caring for you, it is still there and buring ever so brightly and deeply. I dont know what to do with those feelings- the longings to be your mommy and love you and hold you and care for your every need. I want to share you with everyone I meet- to shout out what a beautiful daughter I have. But this pride of parenthood dies on my lips becuase it makes everyone so sad to hear about you.I dont know what to do, child of mine, to extinguish this burning in my gut........I just know I miss you ever so much.I love you dear daughter, and I hope you knew in your days here, just what you mean to me. I hope we had time enough together that I could show you that you are the apple of my eye, the joy of my heart, and I hope you knew I would have cared for you forever, regardless of condition or struggles or needs. I would have given up everything I have to care for you. I miss you, Baby Girl.
Love,
Mommy

To those who wrote us!- Keep Writing!

To all of you who wrote, emailed, commented, called, visited, etc!

I just wanted to take a moment to express to each of you our gratitude for your personal contact. In whatever form you chose to reach out to us, it has been a lifeline. Each condolance and encouragement we have recieved has been a steady pulse of strength. Each day we recieve new emails, calls,comments, or cards in the mail( and still somedays more flowers!) and we look forward to those things as bright spots in the day. I will not lie and say that the days are not difficult, and some consuming us with grief, but the support that we get from those around us is what spurs us on and gets us through the darkest moments.I know it cannot always be easy to reach out, and many of you have said you dont know what to say to ease our pain. But know that whatever words you choose to express, the words don't matter as much as the fact that you are helping us to shoulder this grief. I honestly cannot thank you enough for caring and for showing God's love to us in this amazing way. I don't know how we could get through the days without it.
THANK YOU!

7 Days

Today is the seventh day since Faith died. It was a painfully slow day. I think all day of Faith and the loss of her. There is such an ache and hollowness within my chest- but still I go on breathing, living, being.Even close friends and family are tender to approach me or call. It is obvious they dont know the words to say, and conversations are awkward. I seem to be absent in even the simplist conversations, at a loss for words, or what to say, and I struggle to make my mind move fast enough to keep up with the flow of conversation, or to think what I should say next. The pain is so obvious in the eyes of those I converse with, as they see my grief overshadow me. They fight so hard to find a way to soothe the ache, to help me, to comfort me and in return I struggle to ease their minds, to find ways to let them know- I will be okay, I will push forward, but I know it is such a long a weary road to go........ and that the days may get harder before they get brighter. And I also know that I am a different person, that I will never be the same and the loss that I feel will always be ever before me- just beneath my breastbone, a dull ache that beats in time with my heart.It is during this emmense loss of life that I realize how lifechanging it is to lose a loved one, and it makes my heart hurt for those around me who have suffered a loss of someone so close, and my heart also hurts for those I love that will experience loss someday- it is a part of life.Faith is ever before me, her soft baby scent, her warm little body that would relax into my touch, her fuzzy red hair as soft as silk. It all lingers around me as I move through the day and I feel as if I am a shadow of myself.My heart aches for Cliff as I watch his grief mirror my own. I mourn for Ethan who will never have the love and playfulness that flows from brother to sister. I mourn for our parents who watch us with their own hearts in their eyes- who have said they wish they could bear this road for us.I would not have anyone to bear this road for me. She is my daughter and I hold fast to every memory of her- and every would be memory that we never got to make. When I carried her so cautiously in my womb....... each day seemed to move so slowly, and time seemed to stand on its end, but now- it seems that time moved to fast and the days were way to short that I got to see her and hold her.... and I can never go back.

Funeral Monday

The Funeral Service for Faith will be at 2 PM on Monday at the Lifechurch in Stillwater Oklahoma.This will be followed by a graveside procession.Anyone who would like to attend to celebrate her life and significance is welcome.