I am not Chicken Little

I am not Chicken Little...... Or am I? Certainly there have been times in my life when I have FELT just like him. I have never run around screaming " The Sky is falling! The Sky is falling!" but internally I have felt the turmoil and depression that comes from fear and anxiety that the worst will happen. God reminded me of this recently through a series of what I thought were unfortunate events but what I have decided in hind sight were strategic lessons from God. In my despair and inner turmoil, God has used scripture and key people to reveal to me something that I never recognized in myself and didn't even know was a hindrance in my walk with him and my relationships on earth.
In a tense moment I have always assumed the worst- THE SKY IS FALLING! But the truth is that I really just got hit on the head with an acorn. A minor bump, easily overcome. I am not a victim of my circumstances and do not need others to feel sorry for me and the lot I have been cast- so I have to quit telling myself that!!!

I was bought with a price, God created me, fearfully and wonderfully I have been made, God has great plans for me, a future full of prosperity, He makes my steps firm, therefore I will not stumble. Do you believe it about yourself? Or do you still think your sky falling?

Fill Me Up

This weekend, my dear friend Emily invited me to attend a Women's Conference at her church. Really I should say coerced. She was persistent in gaining my commitment to attend over the last three months- and I have to tell you I am SO thankful that she was.
It lasted for 3 days, although I only attended Friday and Saturday. I am so glad I was able to attend!
God absolutely filled up my heart. It is funny how life can feel so upside down, and in a moment, God can flip your world right side up. TO the heart that has no hope, God can fill it up with HOPE and love. In these last several months that have felt so dark and alone, God has shed light into my heart to remind me of his Love for me, of His plans for me, of the way I have been redeemed.
I was surprised this weekend to see how many of the lies of the devil that I have bought into and believed. Christ died on the cross, and sacrificed his life to REDEEM my life- of course he wants good things for me! Of course God wants me to be secure and confident- and blessed! God loves me, and He has more than one plan or dream for me. He has a lifetime of plans for me.
And if you are out there doubting that today, I just want to tell you- GOD LOVES YOU TOO. God created you. What God says, his word, its all true. The hurts of this life, the distractions, the disappointments, that is not God robbing us. that is the devil robbing us- but God can use those things for good- He can use those moments to pour love and peace into our hearts.
The bible tells us not to give the devil a foothold. But give God one. Let God have a foothold in your life, just open the door a crack and let Him get a foot in the door and show you how much you are loved.

From pleasing them to pleasing Him

I am a people pleaser. I want people to like me. I don't want people to be angry with me. I have always been this way since I can remember and it is one of the things I like least about myself. I have spent many nights tossing and turning as I play a conversation over and over again in my head, analyzing the things that were said and wondering if I said it wrong and if I will ever get it right. It is one of the major sources of stress in my life. As long as I am confessing one of my dirty little secrets, I might as well just go ahead and say that I do this with even the most positive and healthy of my relationships. Even the friendships that have never had a misstep or ill word bring with them a lot of anxiety and speculation over my words and actions and how my friend perceives me.Ridiculous isn't it? As I write this blog even I can see how illogical that thought process is.
Being a people pleaser sucks.
One of the encouraging and wonderful things that God is teaching to me in my current bible study is that all the time and energy that I put into pleasing other people needs to be redirected at pleasing Him. All this time I have been longing for people to like me and God LOVES me. He loves me extravagantly. He loves me unconditionally and so completely that he sent Jesus to die so that I could have a relationship with Him. He loves me regardless of the stupid things I might say and regardless of how many times I am so busy in my day that I forget to acknowledge His friendship. He is simply the best friend I could ever have and He loves me for exactly who I am... after all, He created me.
God, I thank you for creating me exactly as I am. May my heart seek to please you and know you above all others.

Eternal Friendship

It has been three weeks since I posted about my struggles with the ebb and flow of a friendship that is very near and dear to my heart. It is one of the longest standing friendships in my life and although I was able to pour some of my thoughts and feelings out into that post, my friend has not been far from my thoughts. I think of her everyday, and I wonder what I did or didn't do that caused a crack between us, and I wonder even further still how that crack turned into a chasm. I have a lot of one sided conversations in my head.... and occasionally I have a breathe of relief. The relief comes simply from the thought that perhaps all the volleying between the highs and the lows is done for a bit and I can rest.
In this time of reflection and angst and absence there is one thing that emerges as a simple and bright truth. God is using this time to reacquaint me with parts of Him. God is able to take the absence of my friendship and redirect my heart to Him.
God uses LOSS in our life to transform us.
You would think I know this lesson by now and would learn to embrace loss. But for all that I have learned of the ways that God works, loss is simply too painful of a thing for me to seek it out.... However, I am grateful to God that he uses those times in my life that empty me and leave me hollow to fill me back up with something new and glorious and just a little bit different than what was there before.
God, I praise you for transforming my heart again and again. I thank you for the eternal friendship you offer me, always.

Fill it up and Pour it Out

Spirit what do you say?

I have been in the desert many times in my life, spiritually speaking. It is an easy place to wander upon and all it takes is a few small misguided steps(or unguided I should say) to lead me on a wandering trail that leads into the heart of a dry and dusty place. One would think that I have been there enough times to recognize where I was going or where I was when I got there... but just the same... each time I wander far enough away from God to recognize the barren land I am headed for, I am surprised.

In my current bible study I am learning a little bit about the spirit, the Holy Spirit that lives in me and the fruits that my spirit can produce. The study suggests that when my spirit is dry and parched, then it will verbally manifest itself in ugly ways- gossip, complaining, cussing, and hateful words. As I look back on moments in my life when I have fallen into all the above, I am embarrassed to realize that not only was I lacking in my faithfulness and attention to God, but by my words, my dry and rusty spirit was evident to everyone else as well.
A spirit that is hungry for time with God but is neglected also has symptoms, just like an empty stomach rumbling for food. When our spirit is hungry and we choose not to feed it the Bread of Life, it will begin to manifest physical symptoms such as lustful thoughts,envy, anger, resentment, selfish ambitions, irritability, impure thoughts, etc. On the contrary to a parched and dry spirit, a spirit that has been recently satisfied by God will praise God, sing His word, and will offer words to sustain the weary.
I think the later sounds the best of all three don't you?
I dont want to wonder in the parched and dry desert. I want to drink the water of Life.
I pray that as I continue to seek Him, I make quality time to spend with God so that He can fill my spirit and satisfy me like nothing else in this life can.

Does absence make the heart grow fonder?

You will have to forgive me for being so absent from my blog. I wonder, with how much time has passed, do I have any readers left?

If not, its okay, I plan to blog away today anyways.

Its been a bit of a rough go of things the last few weeks. I feel like there were so many things to update you on that has been going on in our lives..... fun moments with the kids, comings and goings, and just the spillover of all my thoughts. But, the truth is that no matter how good I thought I was doing with the Miscarriage and D&C, the last few weeks have started to unravel for me and I am left with a stinging heart and empty arms... and this makes me sad... and I have found it incredibly hard to write.
I did really well with things the first week or so after, and to tell you the truth, I think I am doing pretty darn good now........ but that doesnt mean its easy.
I have so many questions in my head. I wonder why this road of conceiving is filled with so much heartache. Would it be easier if I didnt get pregnant instead of miscarrying? I find peace in knowing that these two little ones are in Heaven now with their big sister Faith, so shouldnt that make the hurt less? Will we get to have another baby of our own in our arms? My life is so full, is it even right to long for that?

I know these are tough questions... and honestly these are not questions I expect to find an answer for.
I have decided that the best way that I can cope with this situation is to focus on the blessings that we do have in our life... and to thank God for them everyday and in everyway that I can. I am focusing on trying to be better at being me and being me with a loving and giving heart.
Its not easy- but each day I start again.

And this is how I start over again each day:Today was the day that we went to pick out the stuff for our lifepacks. Each year during the holidays, we pick out a lifepack from Lifechurch( a bag that will go to a needy child) and we fill it for a child that would be the same age as Faith and with things that we would buy for her. This year we included 2 more packs, one for each of the babies we miscarried this year.
It always feels so good to buy the things and to pack the bags full.... and it hurts so much too to think how few opportunities I will have in this life to buy things for my little girl.... and now our other 2 little angels as well. I hope the contents of these bags bless the recieving child in a big way. I hope that their lives are filled with love. I hope that they are safe and warm and cared for this holiday... and most of all I hope they have someone in their life that loves them enough to teach them all about the love of Christ. I pray all of these things in Jesus Name. I would greatly appreciate if you could take a moment to pray for these children with me- whoever they are- where ever they are. Please pray that they grow up in the knowledge that God loves them very much and understand just how important and beloved they are to him. After all, God knows every hair that is upon our heads.

God's Purpose is Forgiveness

I had a conversation with a friend earlier this week in regards to Forgiveness. It is something I have been struggling with a little bit in one of my relationships. I never thought I was the kind of person to hold a grudge, so I have absolultely learned a lot about myself through this experience.
I have learned that I can harbor resentment, quite easily, and that of the five apology languages,(http://www.amazon.com/Five-Languages-Apology-Experience-Relationships/dp/1881273792/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1254493519&sr=8-1) (from The Five Apology Languages: How to experience Healing in all your relationships, by Gary Chapman) I really need to have someone accept responsibility or repent to move on. Becuase of this, I really latched on to a bible verse I read last week and I shared this in my conversation with my friend. It was in Luke 17:3-4, 3 “Be alert. If you see your friend going wrong, correct him. If he responds, forgive him.4 Even if it’s personal against you and repeated seven times through the day, and seven times he says, ‘I’m sorry, I won’t do it again,’ forgive him.”
My conversation with my friend went something like this:
Me: I just need to call a truce. I should be a bigger person
Friend: Wait, What?
(explanation ensues, discussion about occurrence that is upsetting me, )
Me: " I am just still feeling angry. I don't want to be fickle or resentful. But if they would just acknowledge that they have upset me, I think I could move on. I think I am just a little too judgemental. I am going to pray for my heart to be yielding and not stern. The message version of Luke 17 talks about forgiving a friend that ASKS for forgiveness as many times as they ask it- but what about a friend that does not ask it.?"
Friend: Grace is good! I will pray too. I have thought through that. See, it says we will be forgiven when we forgive, I feel it is better to forgive without being asked. That way the heart is right."

This conversation gave me a lot more to think about. You see, in my heart, I really wanted to be able to hold a grudge until my friend came to me and asked forgiveness. I felt I had a right to be angry until this happened. As hard as it is for me to admit how calloused I was in this situation, I have to confess the truth. As I mentioned sometime last week, I am searching to know who God IS. I am trying to quit looking at myself and who I AM, and to find a better understanding and foundation of who GOD IS. I believe once I know who God is, then who I am will be found in that. I did a search on forgiveness and came across a wonderful study by Baylor University titled " God's Purpose is Forgiveness". The title of this study caught my eye and drew my attention. After all, I have heard that God's purposes are many things... but never simplified into this one statement. Jesus Christ was sent on a mission, which is summed up quite nicely in John 3:16. " For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have ever lasting life." His mission was forgiveness for anyone that would believe in him.
In fact, Jesus was criticized by the pharisee for being forgiving of sins. In Luke 7:49 they said " Who does he think he is, forgiving sins!?!"
Isn't that a great statement of our society today? We are so unforgiving. It is hard to look past the ways we have been wronged. In marriages, friendships, families, experiences shopping, driving on the road. We feel fueled but what we think is a righteous anger- reacting strongly when we have been wronged. We sometimes criticize those that forgive too much, or allow others to hurt them. But maybe all this time I have gotten it wrong?
If God's purpose is forgiveness, shouldn't this be my purpose too?

If you pray for me this week, please pray this one thing: that my heart would be yielding and not stern, and that I could have a heart full of love and forgiveness for my friend without ever being asked for it.

Nehemiah: 9: 16-20 16 "But our ancestors were proud and stubborn, and they paid no attention to your commands.17 They refused to obey and did not remember the miracles you had done for them. Instead, they became stubborn and appointed a leader to take them back to their slavery in Egypt! But you are a God of forgiveness, gracious and merciful, slow to become angry, and rich in unfailing love. You did not abandon them,18 even when they made an idol shaped like a calf and said, `This is your god who brought you out of Egypt!' They committed terrible blasphemies. 19 "But in your great mercy you did not abandon them to die in the wilderness. The pillar of cloud still led them forward by day, and the pillar of fire showed them the way through the night.20 You sent your good Spirit to instruct them, and you did not stop giving them manna from heaven or water for their thirst.

Fog

Today as we pulled out of the garage to head to church, I noticed immediately that the air was filled with fog. Not the typical early autumn fog that rolls across the ground, accompaning the frost and leaving a cold wet sheen upon the grass. This was heavy, a pea soup sort of Fog which went in every direction and made driving slow and tedious.
As we got very near to the church I joked to the family "What happened to the church!? It is gone!" Indeed, the fog was so thick that we could not see the building of which drive we had just turned upon. Ethan grew upset immediately and started to cry. Quickly, Cliff calmed him down and told him it was a joke and as we drew nearer to the parking lot you could densely see the outline of the large building. Ethan caught on quickly and to express his relief or perhaps to cover is gullibility, he began to joke aloud over and over that someone had hidden the church. This joking went on until we were all unloaded and in the building.
Through much of my life, I have felt like this fog. I have struggled to know WHO I am, how the world sees me, what I am about. More so than even this, I have struggled with seeing clearly who I am in Christ and how the picture of serving Him with My life has fit together. It suddenly became clear to me as I sat quietly listening to the message- that it does not matter WHO I am... all the matter is that I know who HE is. The key to growing closer to God, to finding direction in serving Him, is learning who he is. The rest he will make clear to me over time. Life is Fog, but Christ- he is our lighthouse, our becon of light, and it is through knowing him that we can truly see life and who we are, as his children.
Throughout the first experience while we served and into the second experience as Cliff and I sat in the main hall watching the message, I thought about God and my relationship with Him and how I relate to him. In the last month or two I have felt adrift. Not in my faith that He is real, but in my interactions with Him, in my commitment to spend time seeking Him. I have been drifting through my recent days with half hearted attempts at growing closer to him. And in the most recent days, I have felt that adriftness. I know the key to growing closer with him is seeking Him, searching him out, learning about him.
This is my quest in the coming days and weeks and I hope that you can each help me with this quest. I don't want to make another half hearted attempt. I want to be earnest, consistent, committed to growing closer to him. Dear Reader, could you please help to encourage me in this? Would you consider emailing me (mdmoltsau@hotmail.com) in the next few weeks to check in on this quest, sending me encouragement in seeking him, and sharing with me ways or tools that have helped you come to know him. Scriptures that speak to your heart, stories of times when he has spoken to you?
All my life I have sought to know WHO I am- now it is time to focus on WHO He is..... and my hope is that the former will fall into place in doing so.

Gain vs. Loss

We got into an interesting discussing during work yesterday. I was attending a training class in Oklahoma City about coaching and we were talking about conversations that we have to have about good or bad behavior.
The question was raised, " Do we learn more from a loss conversation or a gain? Or can we learn from a loss conversation as much as a gain conversation?" In other words, do we learn more when we are told what we are doing right or experiencing praise, or do we learn more from failures or being told what we do wrong. Or do we learn from them both?
At first, the answer seemed obvious- we learn best from being praised or told what we do right. But it only took me a moment to see the truth for myself.
Yes I can learn from them both, but the truth is that I think I learn more from a loss. After all, when I look back over my career- some of the moments that I can state that I learned the most are the moments that were difficult situations or interactions. I learned more about communication and professionalism from one conversation with a co-worker that turned sour and out of control than I ever learned from hundreds of happy conversations. I can say that I learned way more about driving on the ice the day I slide my T-bird into the ditch than I ever learned from lectures and directions time and again from my stepfather during our Oklahoma winter storms. And who could forget the time I busted open my head while on vacation at Turner Falls after my Father told me repeatedly not to run on the slick pavement at the top of the hill? It was becuase of that moment in time that I learned to listen and obey my Father's voice and instruction.
And one would think after all this time that I could apply these earthly lessons and learn to listen and obey my Heavenly Father's voice.
And at times I think I am finally learning.
I am not saying that a loss is easy or even wanted.... but when I look back over my life, I see that God has taught me so much more, changed me in more extravagent ways, through loss. With that glaring reality staring me in the face, I have to ask myself " Why then would I believe that I should be exempt from loss?" If loss is part of what shapes me into being a more loving, compassionate, wiser person- a person who seeks to know the heart of God more after these experiences- can I dare to say that I want my life to be absent of loss?
I dont want for it becuase it is an incredibly painful experience, but can I say that there is not loss without gain?
What about you? Do you learn from loss...... or gain......... or both?

The Terrible Two's

My sweet, beautiful, darling daughter Olivia recently turned one. For the first 10 months of her life she was laid back, calm, loving, and absolutely an easy baby.
One day that all changed.
It started with an insert of independence into our normal daily routine. She flipped over at a diaper change. Gradually, she began to flip over at each diaper change. Then she started flipping over and trying to crawl away. Then she began to twist and pout and try with all her might to get away at each diaper change, rolling over again and again. It is a miracle that her diaper even gets fastened sometimes.
She has found other ways to try to insist on her independence from refusing to allow us to dress her to fighting us as we brush her hair or put on her shoes( which end up kicked off somewhere in the house, the car, the ground, the store, who KNOWS where she will toss them next!) She throws all out temper tantrums - throwing her body backwards onto the ground, arching her back, and stamping her little feet into the ground. She has this last move down to a science and it is no longer a left foot/right foot alternation. She lifts both legs high into the air and slams them down to the ground at the same time. I swear I once saw the move on the WWF. It is a move that would make Hulk Hogan proud.
Honestly, I dont know where this child came from!

But yet I do.

You see, for all the things that Olivia insists on doing herself or doing her way... none of them are things that she has the skill or capacity to do herself right now. Yes, she could manage to get a cherrio from the high chair to her mouth but she can't get the cereal from the cabinet, she can't change her own diaper(she couldnt even open the diaper cream lid!) She can't dress herself, comb her hair, put on her shoes, or even walk well for that matter( I just know someday soon she is going to get that one down! Please! Walk!!!!) Olivia is trying so hard to do life HER way and yet, she could not successfully sustain life that way. And I can see a reflection of myself in her behavior, spiritually speaking.

She is absolutely and positively on the beginning edge of what many affectionately refer to as the terrible twos. As I watch her act out and think about her behavior, I cant help but ponder at what point in my life I went through the terrible twos with God, spiritually speaking. I would like to think I am past that point in my life and have matured enough spiritually that I dont act out in such a childish manner. But some days, I may be wrong about that assumption. I still have days that I try to be so self driven and independent of outside direction(even from God) and I havent seemed to learn that I cant survive independently without God in my life.
I have to ask myself- am I in my spiritual terrible twos? And can I ever outgrow them?

Its not my universe.

I think Caedmon's Call said it best: " Late at night I wonder, sometimes I wonder why?"
I really wonder sometimes why things happen the way they do... why some days go so smoothly, and bring joy, and others don't.
I wonder why some days nothing will phase me and I experience Joy all the way until I close my eyes to go to sleep.... and why some days are filled with tears and anguish and anxiety deep into the night.
I also wonder why some children grow up big and strong and some children never make it to be born... or why some are only with us 9 days or 32 minutes like my dear friend Tami's daughter Angeliyah.
I wonder why there is so much hate in the world( although I know the answer is the Devil, becuase I know that God is love) but I wonder sometimes why that is even allowed to exist and why some people turn to it so freely while others live their whole lives trying to be good.
Yesterday another trisomy Baby named April Rose was born. She wasnt expected to make it alive to birth, nor live much longer after and yet she is still alive and still hear. Her mom and dad are living minute by minute.... trying to get as much time as they can to know her and love her before her time to part this earth comes. April's mom has been keeping a blog to chronicle the difficult pregnancy ( which can be found in my bloglist) and now becuase of this they are recieving hate mail and even a mutilated first picture of April with devil horns drawn on the image.
This mommy and daddy are struggling through difficult moments- some of the hardest moments in life- and in the midst of that someone or several someones feel the need to try to hurt them and say and do terrible things. It angers me and it saddens me.

Today is three weeks to the day that I started to experience bleeding and my miscarriage began. Since the pregnancy was still very early, it shouldnt have taken my body too long to process things... but now it is three weeks later and I am still experiencing the miscarriage. It is a constant reminder to me all day long of the little baby that I won't get to hold in my arms. I wonder why it is taking so long?
Someone sent me a very thoughtful message today which said that now Faith would have a little brother or sister in heaven with her. This really helped to calm my heart... but it made me sad too..... I wonder why something so comforting can also make me cry.....
Ultimately, all these things going on compound the grief that I still carry around for my little red head. Most days, I am able to walk this earth without questioning, just accepting my course in life with hope for what tommorrow brings.
Today though, like some days, I wonder why things happen the way they do in this universe and I have to remind myself that it is not my universe.

This is God's universe and God does things his way. You may have a better way, but you don't have a universe. - J Vernon McGee

Thoughts

Two thoughts have been rolling around in my head lately. the first is an exert from a book that Fawn lent to me called The Dive From Clausen's Pier. In it the mother and daughter are talking about life and actions and what our actions say about us and the mother said something very profound." What we do does not define who we are, who we are defines what we do." The second I heard many years ago, so long ago in fact that I dont remember where it came from or who said it, goes something like this: " The only way to understand ourselves is by what God is and what He does for us." This is written down somewhere in my jumble of journaling and notes and has a verse attached which is Romans 12:2
"Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect"new living translation)
I like the Message version of this the best and it goes:
"So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you."So these thoughts have been swimming around in my head with the usual chatter- thoughts about who I am, how I fit in, if I am living life successfully, if I am really being the best I can be. Similar thoughts I am sure that we all have from time to time. Sometimes I reflect on the days and my words or actions and I wonder how those words or actions reflect on me, what do they say about me as a person? And I remind myself of the quote from the book.. it is not my actions that define me, it is my heart that defines my actions... but then the second thought has recently come into mind... and I remind myself that I am not even defined entirely by WHO I am in my heart, but defined by Christ who lives in my heart. I am not defined by me, but simply put, I am defined by the Creator and what he has done and continues to do. With those thoughts in mind I wonder why I spend so many sleepless nights and anxious days trying to understand why I will never feel like I fit in 100%. I keep trying to conform to the patterns of life around me, keep trying to find "my niche" in society..... but the truth is very clearly cut out for me that I will never find my definition there..... And your thoughts on this anyone?

Confessions and Thoughts

I just finished a deep conversation with a friend that has spurred many thoughts and built upon others....
Guilt can be such a tricky thing. A friend and I were in deep conversation tonight and it spurred an entire conversation( which has been an ongoing conversation over the last few months) about guilt and its purpose. Maybe you are the kind of person that can easily place guilt and blame on your surroundings- other people- other things- but never you.... or perhaps you are one of the truly clairvoyant who can place guilt and blame upon its rightful owner at every turn... sometimes its you, sometimes its another, sometimes it just an odd set of coincidences. But you know where the truth lies, you accept it and move on..............Or perhaps you are like me. The kind of person that puts the weight of every interaction on your shoulders. It is my fault that so-in-so is unhappy. I havent been a good friend, I havent been a good wife, I am not a good mom. I yell too much, I dont call my friends enough, I dont work hard enough when I am at the office..... and so on and so forth.As a strength, those that tend to place guilt upon themselves in this fashion tend to be uber responsible for the things that are placed in their lives ... this may not be seen from an outward persepective... but it is an internal responsibility and attachment that is felt. But in weakeness, guilt can reck havoc on our physical, mental, and spiritual well being. In the most recent months I have felt extreme guilt and worry about Faith and why she died. And in my mind I know that I was not responsible for her death... but that doesnt stop me from thinking about and conjuring up every possible thing that I could have done or could not have done to make me responsible for her death. I have been through both physical, emotional, and spiritual reasons that I feel could have lead to the turn of events we have recently gone through. It is probably one of the most overwelming feelings and roadblocks that God is working on in my life right now. It is something I seek God's face for a lot. It is something that at times puts me to sleep with tears, makes me physically ill with worry, and overshadows the best of my days with darkness. Guilt can be a tricky thing...

November 12 2007- Four Months

Dearest Faith,
Today it has been 4 months since you departed this earth. I have thought so much today of the many things you taught me in your short stay here and how you have changed my life. Always before me in every action or deed I now have a deep and overwelming motivation to give of myself completely and whole heartedly. You taught me that. I watched you struggle and fight for life every moment that you were here. You gave every once of your strength to live and BREATHE! There have been moments in my sorrow that I thought to hold back my heart or dare not to hope for things to come becuase I was afraid that my hopes would fall. Dearest Daughter you taught me that hopes always go up, but do not always come down... and weither I hold back or passionately embrace each day, life still moves forward, joys and sorrows still come, and with God's compassion and strength I can continue on.I used to think sweet girl, that it was cowardly to fear. You have taught me that fears may be always there, but the important thing is to stand up and face my fears. I will go through my life looking my fears in the face. God has used your life to show me that even in the darkest of times He is ever with me and before me, guiding me with His right hand.It is my hope that someday I will be as brave and passionate and fierce as you were in your 9 days here. I can't wait to see you again! I miss you so!I will continue to breathe deeply!
Love,Mommy

Beauty

I wrote a post earlier this summer about the beauty God places around us. My son has taken to describing many things that he sees( even a wooden desk that we brought home today!) as beautiful. Sometimes they are not things I might think of as anything more than ordinary, but perhaps my son sees the world through untarnished eyes and is able to delight in the many things I neglect from day to day. Maybe he has finally found a word to articulate all the wonderful things that are around us each day that I have learned to overlook as I rush on by. I thought about this as we drove out to dinner in the early evening. We had the windows rolled half way down and the warm afternoon sun had cleared away the early morning dew. As autumn is my favorite time of year, I closed my eyes for a moment and let the suns heat rest on my face while I took a deep breath in of that cool, crisp autumn air. Something about breathing that sweet cold air into my lungs makes me feel like an athlete waiting for the start of the game. I have endurance ready and rearing in my heels, joyful anticipation beating in my heart, and muscles ready to spring into action. It motivates me. It centers me. And most of all it makes me feel like I am coming to life....... It is a beautiful feelingAs I have said before, there is beauty and life all around us. All we have to do is take a deep breath and breathe it in.So breathe deeply!

Laughter and Tears

Today was a good day.
Today I made a trek to the city to meet a friend for dinner and shop a bit for myself. I am finding my solitary time very lonely and try to fill up my time as much as I can. As I strolled through the mall I was deeply saddened by a small statue of a mom and a baby at the Hallmark store, by the children skipping by the fountain, and all the noise and hustle and bustle around me. As I walked through the mall I wondered at how life changes so fast. I wondered how I could go on each day with such a hole in my heart- and yet my heart is still beating. I marveled at the people around me and wondered who in my midst had sorrow pulsing through their veins, pulsing like a ragging river just as mine did, but who were equally successful at hiding it. My heart hurt for my absent daughter and it hurt for those around me that may be hurting too. I thought How hard life can be! Why is it so hard?Just when the burden grows so heavy that we can't seem to take anymore, God is faithful to step in and keep our foot from faltering and to help us carry the load. He is the ultimate shelter from this storm of life. As I continued through the mall God brought an old friend into my path. How she, with a busy 1 year old, job, and home to run, and I , who have gone to a mall 2 times in the last 3 months, happened to be in the same place at the same time in a big city with many malls, truly an act of God. Her presence brought joy to my heart. We talked only a few minutes but it was enough to lift my spirit- to turn my thoughts outward to those I care about instead of inward on all my sorrow.Following my time at the mall I met my oldest and dearest friend for dinner. I was able to be confortable in my own skin for the first time in many weeks in such a public place. We fell so easily into an old routine (that goes back years) and laughed and cut up until we were either about to cry or wet our pants from laughing so hard.I am thankful to God that my days are not only dark. That amongst my sorrow there can be joy...... amonst my tears there is still laughter.
Thank you God. Thank you for my daily breath of life! May I forge through even the darkest days so that I may glimpse the shining sun. May I give each day my all just as my sweet daughter gave hers for every day of her life.Your compassions are new each morning! Your compassions never fail............

This is the Day

This is the day
I awoke this morning with the words of a song ringing through my head. The verses were in spanish so I had to take a minute to translate them to remember what song it was.Pardon my spelling, it is a song I learned about 8 years ago in spanish, so the spelling may be bad.
Este es el DiaEste es el DiaQ izo el SenorQ izo el SenorNosgazaramosNosgazaramose ellegramos en ele ellegramos en el
Loosely this translates to :
This is the dayThis is the dayThat the Lord has madeThat the Lord has madeI will rejoice and be glad in itand be glad in it.
We are leaving now in about 15 minutes to go get ready for Faith's arrival- today I meet my daughter!Just had to share the sweet words that God gave me this morning...>

Valley of the Shadow of Death

I have been thinking for quite some time about Psalm 23. There are a few versions that I particularly like, which I have copied and pasted below. Many times in each of our life we experience loss, change, or as the new living translation puts it: our darkest hour. What is your valley of the shadow of death? Many of you may not be facing a darkest hour now,but have at some point in your life. It could be the loss of an ideal, poor health, divorce, loss of a loved one, loss of a job, financial woes, lonliness, depression etc. Do you feel you are all alone in the dark? Sometimes I have. Sometimes I have felt overwelmed, unable to sustain composure, scared to move forward. But each time I am given a little more strength, some little bits of comfort- and so I know that Jesus is right there with me, in the darkness, guiding me- and using this experience to bring honor to his name. It used to blow my mind that he can use even our darkest times to honor him. But in my recent experiences, I am beginning to understand. Sometimes it is in those darkest hours that we need to guide our faith back to him - it is those darkest hours that refine who we are, what is important,what we are living for.It is in those darkest hours that we can perform our greatest duties as the body of Christ- to love our brother- to help him bear his burden.I will give thanks to God for this darkest hour. THough I may not understand why I have been chosen to walk this path- I do know that I can glorify his name in this time. That this journey will honor his name- and he will be with me each step of the way. He can use this darkest hour to refine me, to undo who I think that I am, and to build me into who He wants me to be. This darkest hour will give me experience and understanding into things that will help me shoulder the burden for others who will also walk through this valley of the shadow of death. I may not be able to see the end of the journey, or how I will have the strength to make it there, but He will guide me and give me enough strength for each day.And I will rest in that.

Psalm 23 New Living Translation
1 The Lord is my shepherd;
I have all that I need.
2 He lets me rest in green meadows;
he leads me beside peaceful streams.
3 He renews my strength.
He guides me along right paths,
bringing honor to his name.
4 Even when I walk
through the darkest valley,[a]
I will not be afraid,
for you are close beside me.
Your rod and your staff
protect and comfort me.

A psalm of David. From Psalm 23 New International Version
1 The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
3 he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.
4 Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death, [a]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.