Girl Time

A few days off together is just what we ladies needed. Olivia and I spent last Wednesday and Thursday at home together, playing, resting, and just being.
We made dinner for the boys on Wednesday and got the boys to take us out to dinner on Thursday. We played around, spent the mornings in our PJ's snuggling, cleaned house a little bit, and danced and sang.
Olivia was inquisitive and as independent as ever and managed to climb onto the table and get into my purse, dig a half eaten pudding cup from the trash and get it all over her face and hands( and who knows how much she ate!) and get the stepping stool out from behind the trash can and dragged up to the counter on the other end of the kitchen. This all took place in the matter of one hour. I decided to purge and clean out a few cabinets to keep us busy. the distraction worked and Olivia spent the rest of the day digging cups or bottles out of the large storage totes and carrying them all over the house.Last week I finally packed up all my maternity clothes and put them away, this week, Olivia helped me clean out all the baby bottles and things from the cabinets. I have been holding onto them for the last few months, hoping to put them to use. I have decided that instead of seeing them everytime I opened the cubbard door as a reminder of what we have lost, I will pack them away and rejoice when I finally get to unpack them again.

Just a moment please..........

Last weekend was a whirlwind weekend for me which started at the Sugarland Outdoor Zooamphitheater Concert Event in Oklahoma City. I was working the event at the US Cellular tent, taking free photos of fans which we printed out on the spot. It is quite a treat to see so many happy, excited people and to get to take a photo to help them commemorate the event.
I was happily snapping away and stepped away from a group of ladies to print out their portrait. As I waited for my picture to come out of the photo maker, I saw a wonderful picture come out just ahead of mine of a silly little girl with wild blond pigtails, Lisa Loeb type glasses, smiling empishly in a pink polkadoted dress and rain boots. She was definitely a ham! I smiled to myself and handed off the pictures I had printed to the eagerly waiting Sugarland fans and turned my attention to the little girl in polka dots.
It was just a moment, but it changed the atmosphere of the whole night. As I watched her with her family, my breath caught in my throat. She was there with her mom and dad, and a little sister who was in a matching polka dotted dressed and pearched gingerly on her daddy's shoulders. She had tiny little pigtail buns in her equally blond hair and it took only a moments glance to see that she was the more graceful, dainty sister. What a pair they made.
I had to remind myself to breath as I thought of my own two little girls, the 14 month old goofy girl I have here on earth, and her 26 month old sister, a graceful little angel in heaven. What would they look like in matching dresses? A fragile red head with curly hair and pale skin, and her brown haired, olive skinned, sturdy comedian sister in tow?My heart constricted and I excused myself to the bathroom(port-o-potty) before I began to cry.
I have been thinking of the two girls ever since... and trying to imagine my own ... together, in matching sister dresses.

Weekend Visitors

Over the last weekend in August we had a very pleasant visit with Papa David's cousins from New Hampshire. Cousin Jimmy and his wife Karen came up on Sunday and we enjoyed a stroll @ Theta Pond followed by dinner at Hideaway Pizza and ice cream from Marble Slab Creamery.
The kids really enjoyed the visit and it was a beautiful day to be outside. They brought a small present for each of the kids, including a teddy bear windchime for Faith's garden. This touched my heart very much that they were so thoughtful as to not leave her out. On Sunday,even though she wasn't with us- I FELT like a mom of three kids- and that was a wonderful feeling.


Ethan, playing at Theta Pond. It seems that transformer did not leave his hands.

Cliff's parents, David and Maureen, and Cousin Jimmy and Karen

Karen, with one of the Orange Hibiscus flowers from the Campus Garden tucked behind her ear.

Mimi Maureen, Papa David, and Cliff

The Carlson Men: David, Cliff's older brother brother Dael, and Cliff

Uncle Dael and Ethan

Me and Olivia

Maureen and her look alike: Olivia

The Terrible Two's

My sweet, beautiful, darling daughter Olivia recently turned one. For the first 10 months of her life she was laid back, calm, loving, and absolutely an easy baby.
One day that all changed.
It started with an insert of independence into our normal daily routine. She flipped over at a diaper change. Gradually, she began to flip over at each diaper change. Then she started flipping over and trying to crawl away. Then she began to twist and pout and try with all her might to get away at each diaper change, rolling over again and again. It is a miracle that her diaper even gets fastened sometimes.
She has found other ways to try to insist on her independence from refusing to allow us to dress her to fighting us as we brush her hair or put on her shoes( which end up kicked off somewhere in the house, the car, the ground, the store, who KNOWS where she will toss them next!) She throws all out temper tantrums - throwing her body backwards onto the ground, arching her back, and stamping her little feet into the ground. She has this last move down to a science and it is no longer a left foot/right foot alternation. She lifts both legs high into the air and slams them down to the ground at the same time. I swear I once saw the move on the WWF. It is a move that would make Hulk Hogan proud.
Honestly, I dont know where this child came from!

But yet I do.

You see, for all the things that Olivia insists on doing herself or doing her way... none of them are things that she has the skill or capacity to do herself right now. Yes, she could manage to get a cherrio from the high chair to her mouth but she can't get the cereal from the cabinet, she can't change her own diaper(she couldnt even open the diaper cream lid!) She can't dress herself, comb her hair, put on her shoes, or even walk well for that matter( I just know someday soon she is going to get that one down! Please! Walk!!!!) Olivia is trying so hard to do life HER way and yet, she could not successfully sustain life that way. And I can see a reflection of myself in her behavior, spiritually speaking.

She is absolutely and positively on the beginning edge of what many affectionately refer to as the terrible twos. As I watch her act out and think about her behavior, I cant help but ponder at what point in my life I went through the terrible twos with God, spiritually speaking. I would like to think I am past that point in my life and have matured enough spiritually that I dont act out in such a childish manner. But some days, I may be wrong about that assumption. I still have days that I try to be so self driven and independent of outside direction(even from God) and I havent seemed to learn that I cant survive independently without God in my life.
I have to ask myself- am I in my spiritual terrible twos? And can I ever outgrow them?

Happy Birthday Olivia!!!!!

We celebrated Olivia's 1st birthday today!!! We took a trip to Oklahoma City to have her one year portraits done( they look gorgeous! can't wait to get them in and post) and to check out the lego store.

Thursday evening Olivia had her very first cake!!!! She opened a few presents from Mommy, Daddy, Ethan, and Grandma.

It is so hard to believe that one year has already passed!!!!

Happy Birthday O, Livie, Livia, Liv, Livers, my Toothy Ruthy, Olive Juice, Missy Moo, Sis, Olivia Lou!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What is this?
Check it out
This is pretty cool!

She dug a hole in the middle of the cake

That was fun! What's next????

Happy Father's Day

To a Father who has won my admiration, love, devotion, and belief. You are an amazing father!

Strange Month, this June

Faith Constance Carlson
Olivia Grace Carlson

June is a strange month for me. It is a mixture of joy and sorrow. It is a month of anticipation.
Two years ago, on this day, the 19th of June, I wrote an update on Faith( on the LWT13 site) and how close we were to meeting her, just weeks away. The Dr. had placed me on bed rest on June 15 2007. The last two weeks of June I waited. I wondered and cried, worried and prayed, prayed and cried, called out to God on a daily basis for strength and endurance... and mercy and relief.
Just one year later, On June 15 2008 I was placed on bed rest a second time.... this time due to early contractions in my pregnancy with Olivia.
The second summer, during the last 2 weeks in June, I rested and prayed, worried and waited, hoped and prayed some more. I thought about the new life that God was delivering into our lives and about the short life of our daughter Faith who God delivered to us just one year before. It was a time of great anticipation and excitment, and it was a time of excruciating grief and loss.
This year is a little different as I am not pregnant and not on bed rest, but I find myself thinking and hoping, praying and crying, remembering and rejoicing.
This June, as we near Faith and Olivias birthdays, I rejoice in the lives of my precious girls.... I remember the few significant moments that God blessed us with Faith's life... and I recount the joy I experienced when God blessed us with Olivia's life- who arrived smack in the middle of Faith's birthday and Angel day.
When I think of the month of June and I look back over the last 2 years, I see a marvelous pattern forming with my God. During the time that my heart hurts the hardest, he is reconciling me to Him. He draws me close in a tight embrace at the time I need him most.
With all the angst and sorrow of June, I thank God for this time to sit with Him awhile.

To close, I will share Joshua 1:9. This is the first scripture verse that our son Ethan has memorized. It was taught to him at church and he has been practicing all month. How endearing it is to hear him recite this passage to me this month.
" Do not be afraid, or discouraged, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."

"I'm an Okie from Muskogee"

Ethan on a camel, during our weekend trip

Thanks to Merle Haggard for making Muskogee Oklahoma Famous with that memorable song!

I am not really an Okie from Muskogee but my brother is- and my dad's side of the family all live there.

Growing up, we would visit often. We spent a week or two every summer with Aunt Peggy or Aunt Lori, our crazy red headed cousins( only half are red headed- but that is plenty enough of the crazy reds!) or Grandma Diane. Muskogee is like a second home away from home for me and it holds lots of fond memories.

This last weekend, we got to return to Muskogee with the kids for my Uncle J.B.'s 50th surprise birthday party.
We stayed over in Muskogee at a hotel which Ethan thought was just the coolest thing EVER. I know this becuase he told us multiple times " This is the best day EVER!"

Things went pretty smoothly with the kids on the trip although I did catch Ethan trying to pee on his cousin John Bailey in the playhouse during swim time. Before I could get on to Ethan much for this, I was informed that John Bailey did in fact pee on Ethan first . I was all set to get on to Ethan anyways when Cliff advised me that there are certain things a boy just has to do in those situations. Huh. Another one of those guy things that I didnt know or understand.
Sunday morning we woke up and headed to the Tulsa Zoo, followed by a trip to the mall before heading home.
The kids really enjoyed the zoo and Ethan decided that Sunday, rather than Saturday was " the best day EVER ever!"

Here are a few pictures from our weekend trip:

Ethan at the Hotel

Olivia finally going to sleep at the hotel
A picture from inside the tunnel on the zoo train

Cliff and Olivia on the train

Ethan, right before the train started to go

See, everyone congregates around the air conditioner during Oklahoma summers, even the penguins!

One of the Flamingos. We liked watching them go to sleep by sticking their head in their back feathers

Watergun fights!!

Ethan requested we play outdoors with the watergun and I decided we needed to take it up a notch. While we were at the Store we purchased a few more waterguns and set a date for a watergun fight in the front yard after dinner.

We carried Olivia out in her excersaucer and we were off!

We might have to make this a weekly tradition or have a watergun fight party and invite lots of people over.

Here is Olivia watching the action.

And the boys in action.

the happy part, the sad part

Ramblings of MicaylaEpisode 1,998Tonight I put together the kids Easter Basket. This is one of the things I look forward to most during the Holidays- the stocking at Christmas, the candy and tokens of love at Valentines day, the basket at Easter. My mom always put so much thought into my own as a child... pouring her love for me into the arrangement and sentiment of the gift that I have been inspired by her to do the same for my own children.I spend days in thought and on more than one trip to the store to find just the right items. I never want to spend too much. I want the gift to be thoughtful and delightful but not showy and materialistic.This year I put together a basket for all of my kids. This was the hard part. Its the hard part at every holiday. I am reminded of all the things I do for Ethan and now Olivia- that I dont do for Faith. I think after almost 2 years those feelings would go away- those feelings of needing to do things for her- but they don't. Instead of covering over that feeling this year for Easter I took extra care to make a special basket for Faith with different items... Items that help me to pour out my love for her, something to take the aching out of my arms that still want to hold her.It was a joyful moment... filling those baskets, arranging the treats and toys, imagining the excitement on my children's face in the morning. It was a sad moment..... thinking of the one little face that I won't get to see.Holidays, they are so bittersweet for me, for us, for our family. Cliff and I are working hard not to transfer our hurts and saddness during this time to our children, to try to make these holidays special and delightful for them. It is easier in many ways, to make new traditions, to do things differently now then we did before we had her.We stay closer to our own home, where we have the freedom to nurse our hurts, slip out to the cemetary to lay flowers on Faith's grave, have a quiet moment alone, or sit and hug our little ones a little tighter, love on them a little longer...... and there in lies that happy part again. That dull ache in my chest for my absent girl reminds me of my fierce love for Ethan and Olivia, reminds me of the joy of their presence, makes my love for them bloom deeper......

a very piraty thing to say lassy!

Could arrrrrrg! be considered a first word? Did I give birth to a pirate??Sometimes, Olivia babbles out things that sound strangely like " Momma" "Daddy" and " I love you". She is just starting to talk and I will admit the title is misleading becuase she hasnt said her first official word yet- unless aaaaarrrrg is a word- which I dont think it is.But this lament, arrrrrggggg! Is her favorite thing to say. She will interject it in a quiet and serious moment, she babbles it from the back of the car as we cruise down the road, she says this in response to being placed in her crib after her early morning feeding, it is the new constant noise that accompanies all the other noises in our already noisy home. A sign of an adventerous spirit perhaps?
...............Or is she already a comical genius? Lord knows, I already have one clown amongst my children........
ARRRRRRRRGGGG! Matey! Pass the bottle er ye will be sure to walk the plank!

Bittersweet Days

bittersweet days
I can't begin to tell you readers, how excited I am about today. Ethan turned four this week and we are having a big boy party for him at a local youth gym. The kids will be bouncing on trampolines, balancing on the beams, and causing quite a ruckus. He actually had a hand in deciding what kind of party we would have this year, from the location down to the kind of cake we would serve.We have been counting down the days and weeks for most of the summer.I just can't believe that my little boy, my first born child, is 4 years old now and on the verge of being SCHOOL AGED.
For all the joys I have over celebrating Ethans big day, I can't help but think about my little one that isnt here. I have been wondering all week what it would be like if she could be at the party. She would be 14 months old, old enough to toddle... would she be trying to keep up with the big kids? Would I be quite harried trying to keep up with her and my sweet Olivia too? Like their Papa always does, I am sure he would be carrying her around, keeping up with her as she rocks in the wooden boat, helping her grab onto the bars overhead, helping her bounce on one of the easier trampolines...... I am sure her red curls would be bouncing in the air... and she would be smiling with delight and determination as she tries to keep up to her 90 to nothing big brother.It is a bittersweet day. Full of joy... and aching in my heart too.
Yesterday, I attended a wedding in Enid. While I was there I got to set my eyes on the little boy of the couple who were getting married. He is about 4 or 5 months old and I have been waiting eagerly to see him in person.I caught a few glances of him during the ceremony and at the reception. As we got up to leave and tell his mom goodbye, he was cuddled in her arms. She showed him to me in his little tux- with his shiny soft sweet red baby hair. The same color as my Faith's own hair. For a moment my breath caught in my throat as I remembered stroking her hair at the nape of her neck. I wanted to reach out and stroke his soft hair, but I held my hand back, tightly clinching my fist. I said my goodbyes and began the long ride home, thinking of my family waiting for me at the house, and the little one that is not in our midst.On another note, returning to work has been both joyful and difficult. Another thing that feels so bittersweet. I love the interaction with other adults and I enjoy the work that I do.... but it is difficult to be away from the family so much, especially spending two nights a week closing. It feels like I dont even see Ethan and Olivia on the days that I close, and by the time I get home Cliff is in his own routine- getting ready for bed and winding down. I am really struggling with the adjustment and although I am able to talk with people all day long... there are moments that I feel so alone.The feelings dont always weigh me down and I do have so many moments to laugh and smile and enjoy myself...But the other moments are there too.Moments when my heart is heavy, moments I dont know how to muster through... but I do. I push on, wondering when I will no longer have moments that feel like this.I guess the reality is that there will be many bittersweet moments to come in this life.
I have to learn to manage them, accept them, and face them. And this is what I am not sure how to do.

He Giveth and He Taketh Away

sooo.......... i have been mulling over this blog for a bit now :) I have been meaning to post to share with all of you out there how things are going now that Olivia has arrived. I want to take a moment to give you a glimpse of my heart and talk about what it feels like to have a child after experiencing the loss of another child.Let me just start with this: Olivia is a wonderful baby! She is pretty quiet and laid back, she sleeps well and eats well... she loves to be held...... she is tiny- just 6 lbs or so.... but for as small as she is, she fills my heart with a ton of love.(literally, a ton!)When she first came out and started to cry I was so happy that she was born alive! They showed her to me and she was so much smaller than I expected. Once I got some time to look at her and hold her... she didnt look at all as I thought. She has a much darker complextion than Ethan or Faith- in fact- she is our only child with dark hair. I had hoped a little that she would have her sisters curly red hair... but now as I reflect on that thought- maybe it would have been too hard.I am overwelmed with joy to hold her in my arms. I just want to snuggle her so close and kiss her little face all the time. :) I want to hold onto her and never ever let go. But sometimes, I am overcome with a bit of saddness too. Each time I hold her in my arms, I am reminded of how little I got to hold Faith. When she looks at me with her sweet almond shaped eyes( just like Dad) I think how I never got to see Faith gazing at me- becuase she never opened her eyes.It is so bittersweet- I am overwelmed with love for Olivia- and so saddened that I didnt get these opportunities with Faith too. It is the happiest time of my life and also one of the hardest times. I am reminded everytime I look at her how blessed I am- how much I have been given in life- and what I have lost. Although I dont know that lost is the best word- I know right where Faith is. We took Olivia to the cemetary when she was just 4 days old. It was one year and one day after Faith died- July 13th. We had planned to go on the 12th- her angel date- but an unexpected storm blew into town and kept us at home. I didnt think it would be so hard to go out there with Olivia to show her the grave... but my heart broke over and again with every step from the truck to Faiths plot. I wondered if I would be able to convey to my little girl how wonderful and special her big sister was. Would I be able to teach her about her strength and endurance? Or would she grow up only to know about her broken body? It overwelmed me in that moment to think about all the sisterly things that Olivia would miss out on knowing and I was insecure in my ability to teach her what a blessing Faith's short life was and is for me and for our family. I know there are many people that see no blessings or joy in what Faith had to endure- they see only the pain... but with all my heart I want to teach my children the joy of knowing her... to show them the few things that made her life valiant... I want them to see more than just sorrow........I could hardly speak as I opened my mouth to tell her about her beautiful copper headed big sister. I was at a loss for words even though I felt I had so very much to say. How do I share with her about things which I dont even fully understand?
The start I think comes with seeing the blessings.
It is true that in life there is a season for everything under the sun.But I am thankful for all those times... for the lowest of the valleys and for the tiny spots of joy that fall in even the darkest days... and for the great miracle of life that God showers upon me with the birth of each of my children.Life is precious.