Thursday, October 01, 2009

From 0 to 5

My baby became my little boy and now that little boy is turning into quite the big boy.
My firstborn, my only son, Ethan Brock Carlson, turned five just a few weeks ago.
I remember the day he came to us, a hot day in September in 2004.
I spent the previous day at the hospital, waiting for his cousin Paige to be born. I was worn out by the end of the day from a long wait in the waiting room and the annoying braxton hicks contractions that I was suffering from all afternoon. I collapsed into bed around seven pm.
I got up early that Thursday morning, September 16th, to go to my weekly check up at the doctor's office. I was not due until October 1st(or September 27th- we seemed to beebop between these two dates from appointment to appointment) and my doctor was on his annual visit to his home country, Iran. He had told me not to worry, just don't have the baby early, and he would be back to deliver our baby boy by my Due Date. This seemed like a logical and probable course becuase my cervix had not thinned at all at my last appointment with him and I was not dialated.
Things tend to be unpredictible for our family, and Ethan's arrival was no exception. When I arrived at the Doctors office, Treva, the nurse who had been assisting DR M. for years, took my vitals as usual. She took my blood pressure and frowned and had me lay on my left side a minute. When she took it a second time, she decided it was imperative to go to the labor and delivery unit at Memorial Hospital for monitoring. Cliff and I came to the Doctor's office in seperate vehicles becuase he had been on his way to work and we both took the 3 minute drive to the hospital and hurried inside. Once we were there, they checked me into labor and delivery and within about 1 hour had decided to go ahead and induce labor due to preeclampsia.
We called Cliff's parents and told them the news. After a long day and night of waiting to meet Paige Marie, Cliff's parents were exhausted and were caught a little off guard by the call. After we notified them we called several other friends and family members including Cliff's brother who thought it was a big joke. We assured him it was not, and prepared to meet our son. After a long day of waiting, our substitute physician, Dr B., decided to do a cesarean. I am fairly certain that my "Yes!!!" seemed a little too enthusastic when she asked if I wanted to pursue this option. Needless to say, I was extremely scared of the idea of childbirth, hadn't eaten or had a drink all day, and had a less than favorable ultrasound of Ethan in which he scored a 6 out of 10 on the scale. We waited through the evening for the surgery team to be free, and finally as my blood pressure began to rise even more, an emergency team was called in and they wheeled me down for surgery. Cliff claims that the time he waited for them to come out to get him while they prepped me was the longest wait of his life in which he spent every second ferverently praying.

Our son, Ethan Brock Carlson, was born at 9:50 PM, screaming on the way out. The Surgical Technican told us that Ethan was going to be a "Rock Star" with those lungs. He arrived with a mohawk of blond hair, weighing just 6 lbs( he is still a lightweight), with tired old man eyes( he still looks like an old man when he is sleeping), and with his future awaiting him.
Here is Ethan through the years:


In the Factory
Age: negative 3 months

Age: Zero years, a few hours


Age: 1 year




Age: 2 years



Age: 3 years



Age: 4 years

Age: 5 years

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Learning to know Him... the parable of the fig tree


This week in my daily bible reading something stood out to me.
Since it quirked by interest I have decided to pursue learning more about it with the hopes that it will reveal to me a little bit more about God.
After all, the bible says " You shall seek me and you will find me if you seek me with all your heart."Jeremiah 29:13

The parable is a short one... not followed by much explanation and it goes like this:
Then Jesus told this story: "A man planted a fig tree in his garden and came again and again to see if there was any fruit on it, but he was always disappointed.7 Finally, he said to his gardener, `I've waited three years, and there hasn't been a single fig! Cut it down. It's just taking up space in the garden.' 8 "The gardener answered, `Sir, give it one more chance. Leave it another year, and I'll give it special attention and plenty of fertilizer.9 If we get figs next year, fine. If not, then you can cut it down.'"( from Luke 13)

So what do you think? Who is the gardner in this scenerio? Who is the fig tree? Some say that the gardner is the Holy Spirit who intercedes on our behalf to God(the owner) Some have said that this parable is a story of redemption.... of Christ asking for time from God to redeem us....
The story seems to say to me that God has granted us another chance.... Not indefinite chances of course... but another day, another breath, another moment.
Am I embracing those moments to know him, "to grow" fully and completely?
I hope moving forward that I can.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Fog

Today as we pulled out of the garage to head to church, I noticed immediately that the air was filled with fog. Not the typical early autumn fog that rolls across the ground, accompaning the frost and leaving a cold wet sheen upon the grass. This was heavy, a pea soup sort of Fog which went in every direction and made driving slow and tedious.
As we got very near to the church I joked to the family "What happened to the church!? It is gone!" Indeed, the fog was so thick that we could not see the building of which drive we had just turned upon. Ethan grew upset immediately and started to cry. Quickly, Cliff calmed him down and told him it was a joke and as we drew nearer to the parking lot you could densely see the outline of the large building. Ethan caught on quickly and to express his relief or perhaps to cover is gullibility, he began to joke aloud over and over that someone had hidden the church. This joking went on until we were all unloaded and in the building.
Through much of my life, I have felt like this fog. I have struggled to know WHO I am, how the world sees me, what I am about. More so than even this, I have struggled with seeing clearly who I am in Christ and how the picture of serving Him with My life has fit together. It suddenly became clear to me as I sat quietly listening to the message- that it does not matter WHO I am... all the matter is that I know who HE is. The key to growing closer to God, to finding direction in serving Him, is learning who he is. The rest he will make clear to me over time. Life is Fog, but Christ- he is our lighthouse, our becon of light, and it is through knowing him that we can truly see life and who we are, as his children.
Throughout the first experience while we served and into the second experience as Cliff and I sat in the main hall watching the message, I thought about God and my relationship with Him and how I relate to him. In the last month or two I have felt adrift. Not in my faith that He is real, but in my interactions with Him, in my commitment to spend time seeking Him. I have been drifting through my recent days with half hearted attempts at growing closer to him. And in the most recent days, I have felt that adriftness. I know the key to growing closer with him is seeking Him, searching him out, learning about him.
This is my quest in the coming days and weeks and I hope that you can each help me with this quest. I don't want to make another half hearted attempt. I want to be earnest, consistent, committed to growing closer to him. Dear Reader, could you please help to encourage me in this? Would you consider emailing me (mdmoltsau@hotmail.com) in the next few weeks to check in on this quest, sending me encouragement in seeking him, and sharing with me ways or tools that have helped you come to know him. Scriptures that speak to your heart, stories of times when he has spoken to you?
All my life I have sought to know WHO I am- now it is time to focus on WHO He is..... and my hope is that the former will fall into place in doing so.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Olivia, Me, and a Lazy Day


I am home from work today, and making the most of my time with Olivia. We have nothing planned to do today and it feels GREAT! We took a trip outdoors for a few minutes to play, even though it is still a little muddy and wet from the rain earlier in the week. Trying for a good mother/daughter portrait. She was more interested in playing.






Chasing Bayer. This is the first time I have seen her run without her "jet wings" to balance her











Just a moment please..........


Last weekend was a whirlwind weekend for me which started at the Sugarland Outdoor Zooamphitheater Concert Event in Oklahoma City. I was working the event at the US Cellular tent, taking free photos of fans which we printed out on the spot. It is quite a treat to see so many happy, excited people and to get to take a photo to help them commemorate the event.
I was happily snapping away and stepped away from a group of ladies to print out their portrait. As I waited for my picture to come out of the photo maker, I saw a wonderful picture come out just ahead of mine of a silly little girl with wild blond pigtails, Lisa Loeb type glasses, smiling empishly in a pink polkadoted dress and rain boots. She was definitely a ham! I smiled to myself and handed off the pictures I had printed to the eagerly waiting Sugarland fans and turned my attention to the little girl in polka dots.
It was just a moment, but it changed the atmosphere of the whole night. As I watched her with her family, my breath caught in my throat. She was there with her mom and dad, and a little sister who was in a matching polka dotted dressed and pearched gingerly on her daddy's shoulders. She had tiny little pigtail buns in her equally blond hair and it took only a moments glance to see that she was the more graceful, dainty sister. What a pair they made.
I had to remind myself to breath as I thought of my own two little girls, the 14 month old goofy girl I have here on earth, and her 26 month old sister, a graceful little angel in heaven. What would they look like in matching dresses? A fragile red head with curly hair and pale skin, and her brown haired, olive skinned, sturdy comedian sister in tow?My heart constricted and I excused myself to the bathroom(port-o-potty) before I began to cry.
I have been thinking of the two girls ever since... and trying to imagine my own ... together, in matching sister dresses.

First Day of School




Ethan headed off to school at the end of the summer. It has been a new and exciting experience for all of us. He is adjusting well and learning new things everyday.


Thursday, September 10, 2009

Labor Day Fun

On Labor day, Cliff and I were both off and enjoyed some much needed time together as a family, just hanging out. Ethan and I got out his linkadoos which he got for his birthday the day before and made a few fun animals. See if you can guess what they are. Our linkadoo pets
Horsing around in the living room


Olivia, Daddy, and Ethan( still in PJ's just like mom)


Birthday Party Bonanza!


Over Labor Day weekend we had a visit from Grandpa Owl and Grandma Angie from Louisiana. Since they were in town, we decided to have Ethan's birthday party since they rarely get to make events like that due to the distance.

Sema, holding up what is left of the Optimus Prime Penata. He didn't stand a chance!





The Dinosaur cake. Ethan just wanted to play with the figurines..............


Emily and Sema


Lauren and Joselyn
Kylye is determined to keep up with the big kids







Sam is soaked!







Susan and Jaxon, also soaked!




The battle is on!
About to open presents



Ethan opening Presents


Papa Dave and Olivia. The kids wore her out!



Ethan after the water fight


My Daddy, Alan Wayne, and my other mother, Mama Angie







Grandpa Owl and Olivia( I think she is trying to squirm down, hence that face she is making)


Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Weekend Visitors

Over the last weekend in August we had a very pleasant visit with Papa David's cousins from New Hampshire. Cousin Jimmy and his wife Karen came up on Sunday and we enjoyed a stroll @ Theta Pond followed by dinner at Hideaway Pizza and ice cream from Marble Slab Creamery.
The kids really enjoyed the visit and it was a beautiful day to be outside. They brought a small present for each of the kids, including a teddy bear windchime for Faith's garden. This touched my heart very much that they were so thoughtful as to not leave her out. On Sunday,even though she wasn't with us- I FELT like a mom of three kids- and that was a wonderful feeling.


Ethan, playing at Theta Pond. It seems that transformer did not leave his hands.





Cliff's parents, David and Maureen, and Cousin Jimmy and Karen
Karen, with one of the Orange Hibiscus flowers from the Campus Garden tucked behind her ear.
Mimi Maureen, Papa David, and Cliff

The Carlson Men: David, Cliff's older brother brother Dael, and Cliff

Uncle Dael and Ethan

Me and Olivia

Maureen and her look alike: Olivia

Blessings from our Hail storm



As many of you loyal readers know, in June we suffered quite a hail storm here. It was enough to break windshields and windows out of cars around town and it totaled our roof.


We experienced quite a stressful moment when we discovered that our home owners insurance did not have total roof replacement in the clause but offered us a " depreciated cash value". This meant that our share of the roof replacement was going to be several thousand dollars. Yikes.
I wasn't sure how we would manage to come up with this sum of money without using a credit card( which we have been working for 18 months to eradicate completely).
As always, God has a way of providing that we cant imagine or comprehend- and we found a way to pay cash for our share of the repairs without using a credit card or taking out a loan. What a wonderful feeling it was to have that heavy burden of finance lifted from our shoulders.
The blessing from our hail storm of course, is that we have a stronger, more beautiful roof above our heads.
Now we just need to repaint the outside and trim up our hedges!


Here is a before picture:




And here is after:


Monday, August 24, 2009

Olivia's Birthday Party

cousins, Ethan, and grandma Lou


Yeah, she was hyper after this


before she dug in









With Daddy, opening gifts. He did not have to show her how to do this! She just dug right in!





Ethan and Cousin Paige





Cousin Cole







birthday girl!









Thursday, August 20, 2009

the first day of school

It was our Oldest Ethan's first day of school today. We were all anxious as we piled into the car to drive him over to the school building. Ethan himself was a little grumpy, an outward cover for his inner nerves. As we pulled up to the school it was raining and we parked as quickly as we could and scurried through the steady rain to the single story brick building. Ethan bobbed and weaved in his camaflauge raincoat just in front of us as we ran down the path and Olivia put her hands into the air, palm up, to catch as many droplets as she could.We waited at the cafeteria door to get buzzed in as Ethan will participate in the before and after school program in leui of going to a day car center before and after classes.When we got into the cafeteria, all the other children were coloring or playing games at the tables. Ethan was too shy to walk over himself, so i offered to hold his hand and walk him over to a table. Cliff held onto the little ones while I walked with Ethan to the tables and he finally settled on joining a group of children that were building with legos. He turned and gave me a big hug and then sat at the table and didn't give me a second glance. Then I took a turn holding the baby so that Cliff could walk over and say a few words to Ethan and take a first day photo before we left.Olivia was totally enraptured with all the kids and the bustle of activity and very quietly looked around at the room.Faith was a buzz of activity, her red curls flying behind her as she tried to dart between the tables as only a two year old can do.......except that Faith wasn't part of this family moment with us... not physcially anyways... just the bit of her I carry around in my heart.After we dropped Ethan off I decided I wasnt ready to go in to work, even though I had a strategy meeting in the Metro. Cliff, Olivia, and I went to breakfast and talked about what we thought Ethan's first day would be like.I teared up a few times as I talked about how proud I am of my growing boy and how anxious I was for him to enjoy school and make friends.I dropped Cliff and Olivia at home and hit the road for Oklahoma City and it was along the way that I really began to cry....only, I wasnt crying for my little boy who was starting school... I was crying for my little girl who didnt get to experience that moment with us... for my little girl that would never have a first day of school of her own. Crying my eyes out for my little shadow, Faith Constance, who overshadows every event in our lives. Everything and anything STILL relates back to her and her absence.I try not to let myself wonder too often what all these firsts would have been like for her becuase it hurts so much in the most tender place of my heart. I am not angry she is gone, just sad not to know her better, hold her longer, see her grow and change and become a little person. The hardest moments are the happiest moments. The moments I am joyous for my other children, the moments we gather as a family and make memories..but memories without her.I wonder to myself... does this bittersweet feeling every change?And I think the answer is probably no. For every beaming smile and belly laugh, there will be moments later to come that include a tear, a dull ache.Life is bittersweet.

-Micayla, mom to faith, 9 days old on earth, 2 years old in heaven,and growing up in my heart

Thursday, August 06, 2009

Gain vs. Loss

We got into an interesting discussing during work yesterday. I was attending a training class in Oklahoma City about coaching and we were talking about conversations that we have to have about good or bad behavior.
The question was raised, " Do we learn more from a loss conversation or a gain? Or can we learn from a loss conversation as much as a gain conversation?" In other words, do we learn more when we are told what we are doing right or experiencing praise, or do we learn more from failures or being told what we do wrong. Or do we learn from them both?
At first, the answer seemed obvious- we learn best from being praised or told what we do right. But it only took me a moment to see the truth for myself.
Yes I can learn from them both, but the truth is that I think I learn more from a loss. After all, when I look back over my career- some of the moments that I can state that I learned the most are the moments that were difficult situations or interactions. I learned more about communication and professionalism from one conversation with a co-worker that turned sour and out of control than I ever learned from hundreds of happy conversations. I can say that I learned way more about driving on the ice the day I slide my T-bird into the ditch than I ever learned from lectures and directions time and again from my stepfather during our Oklahoma winter storms. And who could forget the time I busted open my head while on vacation at Turner Falls after my Father told me repeatedly not to run on the slick pavement at the top of the hill? It was becuase of that moment in time that I learned to listen and obey my Father's voice and instruction.
And one would think after all this time that I could apply these earthly lessons and learn to listen and obey my Heavenly Father's voice.
And at times I think I am finally learning.
I am not saying that a loss is easy or even wanted.... but when I look back over my life, I see that God has taught me so much more, changed me in more extravagent ways, through loss. With that glaring reality staring me in the face, I have to ask myself " Why then would I believe that I should be exempt from loss?" If loss is part of what shapes me into being a more loving, compassionate, wiser person- a person who seeks to know the heart of God more after these experiences- can I dare to say that I want my life to be absent of loss?
I dont want for it becuase it is an incredibly painful experience, but can I say that there is not loss without gain?
What about you? Do you learn from loss...... or gain......... or both?