Happy Father's Day

To a Father who has won my admiration, love, devotion, and belief. You are an amazing father!

Strange Month, this June

Faith Constance Carlson
Olivia Grace Carlson

June is a strange month for me. It is a mixture of joy and sorrow. It is a month of anticipation.
Two years ago, on this day, the 19th of June, I wrote an update on Faith( on the LWT13 site) and how close we were to meeting her, just weeks away. The Dr. had placed me on bed rest on June 15 2007. The last two weeks of June I waited. I wondered and cried, worried and prayed, prayed and cried, called out to God on a daily basis for strength and endurance... and mercy and relief.
Just one year later, On June 15 2008 I was placed on bed rest a second time.... this time due to early contractions in my pregnancy with Olivia.
The second summer, during the last 2 weeks in June, I rested and prayed, worried and waited, hoped and prayed some more. I thought about the new life that God was delivering into our lives and about the short life of our daughter Faith who God delivered to us just one year before. It was a time of great anticipation and excitment, and it was a time of excruciating grief and loss.
This year is a little different as I am not pregnant and not on bed rest, but I find myself thinking and hoping, praying and crying, remembering and rejoicing.
This June, as we near Faith and Olivias birthdays, I rejoice in the lives of my precious girls.... I remember the few significant moments that God blessed us with Faith's life... and I recount the joy I experienced when God blessed us with Olivia's life- who arrived smack in the middle of Faith's birthday and Angel day.
When I think of the month of June and I look back over the last 2 years, I see a marvelous pattern forming with my God. During the time that my heart hurts the hardest, he is reconciling me to Him. He draws me close in a tight embrace at the time I need him most.
With all the angst and sorrow of June, I thank God for this time to sit with Him awhile.

To close, I will share Joshua 1:9. This is the first scripture verse that our son Ethan has memorized. It was taught to him at church and he has been practicing all month. How endearing it is to hear him recite this passage to me this month.
" Do not be afraid, or discouraged, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."

"I'm an Okie from Muskogee"

Ethan on a camel, during our weekend trip

Thanks to Merle Haggard for making Muskogee Oklahoma Famous with that memorable song!

I am not really an Okie from Muskogee but my brother is- and my dad's side of the family all live there.

Growing up, we would visit often. We spent a week or two every summer with Aunt Peggy or Aunt Lori, our crazy red headed cousins( only half are red headed- but that is plenty enough of the crazy reds!) or Grandma Diane. Muskogee is like a second home away from home for me and it holds lots of fond memories.

This last weekend, we got to return to Muskogee with the kids for my Uncle J.B.'s 50th surprise birthday party.
We stayed over in Muskogee at a hotel which Ethan thought was just the coolest thing EVER. I know this becuase he told us multiple times " This is the best day EVER!"

Things went pretty smoothly with the kids on the trip although I did catch Ethan trying to pee on his cousin John Bailey in the playhouse during swim time. Before I could get on to Ethan much for this, I was informed that John Bailey did in fact pee on Ethan first . I was all set to get on to Ethan anyways when Cliff advised me that there are certain things a boy just has to do in those situations. Huh. Another one of those guy things that I didnt know or understand.
Sunday morning we woke up and headed to the Tulsa Zoo, followed by a trip to the mall before heading home.
The kids really enjoyed the zoo and Ethan decided that Sunday, rather than Saturday was " the best day EVER ever!"

Here are a few pictures from our weekend trip:

Ethan at the Hotel

Olivia finally going to sleep at the hotel
A picture from inside the tunnel on the zoo train

Cliff and Olivia on the train

Ethan, right before the train started to go

See, everyone congregates around the air conditioner during Oklahoma summers, even the penguins!

One of the Flamingos. We liked watching them go to sleep by sticking their head in their back feathers

crazy week and April rose update

Its going to be a crazy week for me and I am not sure if I will get time to update as I will be spending part of the week out of town for work.
But I did want to jump on very quickly to mention an update about the April Rose situation and mention a few points about it.
I want to thank those of you that emailed or reached out to me after my last post to ensure that I was in the loop on the situation and to see how I was taking that. Thank you. Your friendship, your concern, and your active participation in my life means a lot to me.
I have been following the story of April Rose and the latest findings in this scam. It has been upsetting to me at some turns but the truth of the matter is that 1.I am very relieved to find out that there is not really another baby with Trisomy 13 whose health conditions are so bad that she will die.I rejoice in life. Every moment and every breath of life is precious and to find out that there is NOT a baby whose life is cut so short... this brings me a giant sigh of relief.
2. I am thankful for the publicity for Trisomy 13 and hope that there will be more people educated about it and able in their lifetimes to be a support to someone who has or has had a child with it.( The publicity is thanks in part to an amazing friend of mine who sent an email request to Beccah to get her to direct support to our Trisomy 13 groups page http://www.livingwithtrisomy13.org/) ( which I am so proud of my friend for doing!)

And lastly, 3. I have been frustrated, angry, and slightly obsessed with the story as new updates came out. I am not going to try to wash over this last part by only mentioning the more positive first 2 points. I have been disappointed and at times depressed that someone could take a life experience that is so close to my own heart( and the hearts of many other moms) and exploit it in way that would draw attention to herself. But I will say that Beccah was/is an incredible writer and I would have followed her blog even if she had mentioned it was fiction.... maybe even more so. The things she wrote were things I myself could have thought at the time I was pregnant with Faith.

Hopefully I can update again soon, when I get back into town and settled in with my beautiful family.
I can't wait to update you all about our fabulous weekend trip to Muskogee and Tulsa Oklahoma!

Always,
Micayla

Its not my universe.

I think Caedmon's Call said it best: " Late at night I wonder, sometimes I wonder why?"
I really wonder sometimes why things happen the way they do... why some days go so smoothly, and bring joy, and others don't.
I wonder why some days nothing will phase me and I experience Joy all the way until I close my eyes to go to sleep.... and why some days are filled with tears and anguish and anxiety deep into the night.
I also wonder why some children grow up big and strong and some children never make it to be born... or why some are only with us 9 days or 32 minutes like my dear friend Tami's daughter Angeliyah.
I wonder why there is so much hate in the world( although I know the answer is the Devil, becuase I know that God is love) but I wonder sometimes why that is even allowed to exist and why some people turn to it so freely while others live their whole lives trying to be good.
Yesterday another trisomy Baby named April Rose was born. She wasnt expected to make it alive to birth, nor live much longer after and yet she is still alive and still hear. Her mom and dad are living minute by minute.... trying to get as much time as they can to know her and love her before her time to part this earth comes. April's mom has been keeping a blog to chronicle the difficult pregnancy ( which can be found in my bloglist) and now becuase of this they are recieving hate mail and even a mutilated first picture of April with devil horns drawn on the image.
This mommy and daddy are struggling through difficult moments- some of the hardest moments in life- and in the midst of that someone or several someones feel the need to try to hurt them and say and do terrible things. It angers me and it saddens me.

Today is three weeks to the day that I started to experience bleeding and my miscarriage began. Since the pregnancy was still very early, it shouldnt have taken my body too long to process things... but now it is three weeks later and I am still experiencing the miscarriage. It is a constant reminder to me all day long of the little baby that I won't get to hold in my arms. I wonder why it is taking so long?
Someone sent me a very thoughtful message today which said that now Faith would have a little brother or sister in heaven with her. This really helped to calm my heart... but it made me sad too..... I wonder why something so comforting can also make me cry.....
Ultimately, all these things going on compound the grief that I still carry around for my little red head. Most days, I am able to walk this earth without questioning, just accepting my course in life with hope for what tommorrow brings.
Today though, like some days, I wonder why things happen the way they do in this universe and I have to remind myself that it is not my universe.

This is God's universe and God does things his way. You may have a better way, but you don't have a universe. - J Vernon McGee

Happy Birthday Beautiful Girl!

Today is the 2nd birthday of my friend Tami Izzi's beautiful little girl Angeliyah.
Angeliyah was born prematurely on June 8 2007 and lived for 32 minutes all of which were spent held in her Mommy and Daddy's arms.
I am thinking of her and her family today as she celebrates her birthday in heaven. I know it has to be a Heavenly Celebration!!

Happy Heavenly Birthday Angeliyah!!!!!!



To read more about Angeliyah and her family, visit www.livingwithtrisomy13.org/memoriesofAngeliyah.htm or http://www.mtizzi.blogspot.com/

Her story is a courageous one.

Watergun fights!!

Ethan requested we play outdoors with the watergun and I decided we needed to take it up a notch. While we were at the Store we purchased a few more waterguns and set a date for a watergun fight in the front yard after dinner.

We carried Olivia out in her excersaucer and we were off!

We might have to make this a weekly tradition or have a watergun fight party and invite lots of people over.

Here is Olivia watching the action.

And the boys in action.

Myself......... FINALLY

Last weekend I finally began to feel like myself again. I don't know what it was that marked the day as different.... but it was. And ever since then, I have felt a little more like myself everyday.
My body is not quite back to normal but it is getting there.
Its good to see you again, Self.

IF the shoe fits........

Monday May 25th was Cliff and I's seven year anniversary.
To celebrate, we went out the following Monday for a little day date.
On a whim, as I looked in my closet for a pair of heels to wear with my skirt for our date, I decided to wear the same shoes I got married in. I had to take a picture to mark this occasion. there is nothing too special or fancy about the shoes.... just the fact that I was wearing them seven years ago when I pledged my life and my love to Cliff.
Maybe I will start a tradition to wear the shoes every year for our anniverary....

Garden Day

Back in April on the saturday after Earth Day, we had the second annual Faith Constance Carlson Garden Work Day. Its taken me awhile to get images loaded up- what with Zed suffering from a Computer Coma( also known as Cliff trying to manslaughter the computer with a glass of water- perhaps that is Computerslaughter).
But Here are a few. This year we chose to do some things different. We had a butterfly release ceremony and we also painted garden stones. It felt a little more laid back for me.... but perhaps my emotions were not running quite as high as last year. I was emotional...... but not as emotionally overwelmed as last year.
We had a few repeat visitors, and some new visitors as well. We BBQ'd again and watched the kids play while we planted all the new flowers. Then we followed with the rock painting and finished off with the butterfly release and a short poem.
It really was a beautiful day. The sun was shining, the temperature was just right... and I feel like we did a bang up job in honoring our little girl.

" A Butterfly lights beside us like a sunbeam, and for a brief moment, it's glory and beauty belong to our world. But, then it flies on again, and although we wish it could have stayed, we feel belssed to have seen it."

I love my............magic bullet

When Ethan was just a baby I decided to try to lose some weight with a system called medifast. It was a crazy idea( which did work by the way but some of the foods were AWFUL) becuase it was a 100% liquid diet. To support me in this venture, I splurged at the time on something called the Magic Bullet.

If you have ever watched an infomercial late at night or perhaps on a Saturday afternoon- chances are that you have seen the infomercial for the magic bullet.
But I have to tell you, its been almost four years that we have had it now and it really is MAGIC! I have made all kinds of wonderful things with it! Sauces, salsa, smoothies, and use it to dice and puree often.
Today I combined my beloved Magic Bullet with another newer favorite product of mine which is the Arbonne Figure 8 Vanilla Protein Powder for shakes.

My recipe is simple:

9 ounces of water

2 scoops of Vanilla Protein Powder

1 frozen banana

1 tablespoon of peanut butter

I dump all this into one of the handy Miracle Blade "Mugs" and pulse it on the bullet 5 times and then I sit down and enjoy its awesome goodness!

Now that is a GREAT way to start the day!

And now I am off to prepare for my 7 year Anniversary Day Date with Cliff.

Round it out

On Mother's Day, Cliff and I chose to participate as a family in Child Dedications. For whatever reason, we waited until Ethan was almost five years old to do this. We had a prep class the week before and made a family video with all the other families to be shown at church during Dedications. During the prep class, the LifeKids Campus Pastor from Oklahoma City said something that caused a shift in my thinking. I had to stop for a moment to let it sink in. At my work we call these " Aha moments." She said that as parents our job is not to teach our children to be well rounded, but to live a passionate life as fully devoted followers of Christ. Literally, everything in that moment became clearer in my life. I knew that my role as a parent was to teach my children to love and obey God, to help them develop a relationship with Him, to teach them the importance of placing him number one.... but all this time in my children's lives and in my own I have sought to be well rounded. This is in fact the very thing I was taught growing up, the same thing my parents were taught by their parents..... and I realized in that moment what I was striving for and what I was teaching my children was an impossible mission. I breathed a huge sigh of relief. My life had just been simplified, brought into focus, and in the following weeks since then, I feel like things that have been cloudy for months have begun to turn clear.
So what does it mean for me to live a life that is not well rounded but passionate and focused in a few major areas, and ulitimately on Christ and developing a relationship with Him?
The first thing that came to mind when I thought about not being well rounded anymore was the bodybuilder from a movie called " The Lady in the Water." Have you seen it? Its an interesting movie, just like many of M. Night Shamalyn' s movies in which all the small, seemingly insignificant things matter and amount to something glorious in the end. IN this particular film there is a man that only lifts weights on one side of his body. He is incredibly lopsided, but his singular focus ultimately leads to something very important and extraordinary. I want to have a singular focus like him. I want to live a life that is important and extraordinary. I want to be a fully devoted follower of Christ, with a heart beating in tune with His purpose- and I want the same for my kids.
Its new territory for me to quit focusing on being well rounded- to not focus on overall perfection....but it is liberating too. I think maybe I have spent so much time on trying to be well rounded that I have missed a piece of that great mission and purpose that God has for my life. I don't want to miss out anymore. I want to live my part extravagently.

God bless the trees Mrs Brashear

Last night was the wedding of my dear sweet friend, Emily Boozer- now Emily Brashear. She asked me to help her celebrate this moment in her life by being a bridesmaid in her wedding- a very new experience for me. I have never been in a wedding party, in fact, had just a sliver of a wedding myself, and really didnt understand everything that went into it.
It really was a beautiful evening for an outdoor wedding, which took place in a beautiful backyard garden in Edmond Oklahoma.
I stood with aching feet in my strappy heals, praying to God that my little black dress would stay up, that my skirt would stay down( no worries there, the wind was scarce) and that the sweat running down my spine and between my breasts would not be noticeable to the crowd as I tried to stand as still as a statue dispite the tiny evening nats flying around my face, my back, up my skirt........

and I was humbled and blessed in that moment to listen to a very sweaty Pastor Kurt( or was it Craig?)(I had just met Emily and Tim's Pastor the night before at the rehearsal dinner) talk about love, marriage, commitment, encouragement, forgiveness, trust,........... support.
Suddenly, it was laid out very clear to me in his speech my purpose for being there. To pray for my friend and her new husband, to encourage them to stay united and focused on Christ, to be a support to her as she walked down the road of life with Tim.
Deep down in my heart I knew these things... but until that moment I couldnt manage to be them much more than skin deep. So I was humbled... and prayed ferverently to God for a heart so full of love and support for Emily and Tim that it could not help but to spill out and over into action.
To Emily and Tim- I wish you many, many years of love, laughter, joy, .... and most of all, harmony in Christ.
Last night really was an amazing night!!! Thank you for letting me be a part of it.

Memorial Day

For Memorial Day( my seven year anniversary with Cliff) we decided to BBQ out on the grill and spend a leasurely day with the kids since I have not been feeling well. We picked up ribeyes and burgers and Mom decided to join us and brought over some shrimp kabobs( ethans very favorite food is shrimp- he will even eat the tail if we dont stop him!)
Ethan was my grilling helper for the day and would accompany me outdoors each time I need to check the charcoal bricks progress. At four and a half he has already learned that he burns super easy and he took it upon himself to put on sunscreen before we went out.( he did this four times!) He got a new bubble sword which he waived around magnificently and really enjoyed digging in the dirt under the pear tree( see the picture to the right)
Cliffs parents decided to drop in for a visit and we all sat down to a lovely dinner about 5 PM. We followed dinner with a visit to the cemetary to Faith's grave to deliver a floral bouquet I made especially for Memorial day. It was really lovely to see all the flowers all over the cemetary from all the memorial day visitors.
After this, Cliff's parents took us to the store to pick out a new grill for our anniversary! We got quite a large grill, with a prep board on either side- so we will have to grill out again soon so everyone can come over!
Olivia and Ethan were both very well behaved all day and really enjoyed the company. Olivia was quite a ham at the dinner table and as soon as she would lose everyones attention she made funny noises or scooted her high chair about to get everyone looking at her again. I thought she was going to be a quiet little girl but I suspect we may have another preformer on our hands. I am not certain what we will do with two of them, but I know we will never be short on laughs!

Rock or Sand

There is a great lyric in a Jennifer Knapp song( my favorite song right now, Trinity) that goes " Where do I stand on the rock or in the sand?. O' Holy Spirit won't you help me understand Holy spirit won't you say a prayer for me?"
This song really reminds me of a song from long ago. When I was a little girl, my mom taught me this song:
The wise man built his house upon the rock
The wise man built his house upon the rock
The wise man built his house upon the rock
And the rain came tumbling down
Oh, the rain came down
And the floods came up
The rain came down
And the floods came up
The rain came down
And the floods came up
And the wise man's house stood firm.
The foolish man built his house upon the sand
The foolish man built his house upon the sand
The foolish man built his house upon the sand
And the rain came tumbling down
Oh, the rain came down
And the floods came up
The rain came down
And the floods came up
The rain came down
And the floods came up
And the foolish man's house went "splat!" [clap hands once]
So, build your house on the Lord Jesus Christ
Build your house on the Lord Jesus Christ
Build your house on the Lord Jesus Christ
And the blessings will come down
Oh, the blessings come down
As your prayers go up
The blessings come down
As your prayers go up
The blessings come down
As your prayer go up
So build your house on the Lord Jesus Christ.

Its a very repetitive song as you can see, but becuase of that, it still rings in my head at 29 years old. And everytime I listen to Jennifer Knapp I think of this song too.... and I can't help but reflect on my life and where I am headed... but also, what I am building my house upon.
I think its easy to get distracted by many of the attractive things in life. Not just possessions of course, but a way of life, ways of living, ways of acting... its easy for me to want to build my house and the foundations of my relationships and other things in the sand.
But I dont want that deep down, not really, I dont want a house on the sand.
During this refining period I am taking a deep look at myself, looking at my intent, at the life Cliff and I are building..... and I want to make certain that it is not built in the sand, that I am not building a temporary fortress that will wash away when the rains come....
I want a house built on the rock... so that when the rains come they will not wash away but instead will be blessings on our heads.

Adios'

This weekend, one of my very dearest friends moved away from Stillwater. I have had really mixed feelings about this which I don't think I have done a good job of expressing. I am really sad she is moving. Happy for her to have a change in her life, but sad that it will be that much harder to get together with her. Truthfully, it was already hard enough.
Today, my other closest friend in stillwater, Amy, announced to me that she is moving back home to Marlow. Her dream home came on the market, the older, Victorian Style 3 story one on Main street, and her husband already got a transfer approved at work. I am happy for her. I am! But am sooo sad to finally make a good friend and then see her move. Cliff and I have been in Stillwater now for almost three years and in that time I have found some friends but only a few close friends. I am sensing that this period of my life, this summer, is going to be all about refinement. There is a letting go of the old and in time there will be new transitions. I went through a similar period just two years ago and it was not easy... but the spiritual fruit of that period has been bountiful. I recognize that there is an ebb and flow in life.
Two dear friends of mine are also going through a refinement period I think. One lives thousands of miles away and has had many difficult life changes in the last six months... the other lives just south down the road and is starting a new career this week. I think its interesting and a bit comforting that God is taking them through a refining period at the same time. I hope that the result of this is a strengthening of our relationships.... and spiritual encouragement.
Its strange that i am not the one moving, and yet it feels as though God is packing up some of the things of my heart and shoving them into a U-Haul for a long journey.....
I only have one request and that is a pit stop at Sonic for a drink for the road!

The Strange One

This week has been a long and strange week. Almost two weeks ago I was shocked to find out I was pregnant. And then elated. Cliff and I began making plans for a new baby and even thought of a few names. We were talking about the name Alex Zander for a boy and either Amelia or Jemma for a girl. We told Ethan, and a few friends and family and everyone was rejoicing with us.
On Friday of last week I was bringing my mom home from Surgery in Tulsa and my car broke down at the very first light in Stillwater. It turned out to be the Transmission but we were not surprised. Boris had made a great run... was now 10 years old and had earned more than his keep in his time with us. We talked it over and decided to get a newer vehicle that would have room for three kids and a pal or extra rider( such as Grandma). Saturday afternoon we got a smokin' deal on Spifferifica, a lovely 2004 Chrystler Pacifica that cost just under $10,000.
I had a sore throat for most of the week which I attributed to allergies and pregnancy and tried to ignore. By Sunday night it had been unbearable too long, and I decided that I would head to the Dr Monday morning.
By Monday morning I was experiencing a very small amount of spotting which was unusual for me in a pregnancy. I mentioned this to the Dr when I went in to have my throat checked out but since it was so light it wasnt much to worry about. I was diagnosed with Strep Throat and given an antibiotic and sent home. At this point my sore throat was so bad that I no longer had a voice and I spent 2 days home from work sleeping and thinking and practicing lines to the Godfather to amuse myself.
By Thursday my throat was practically as good as new( a little wraspy but in a 1940's Jazz Club singer, after a cigarette or two, kid of way) but the bleeding was getting worse. I called the Dr's office and asked to have labs done. I also began to experience some cramping and pain in my right ovary but it would come and go and didnt seem like a big deal.
Friday morning Dr Smithton called me bright and early to let me know the lab number was low,200, and should really be around 1000. He thought this was Indicitive of a miscarriage but it was time to wait and see. By Friday afternoon I had constant pain in my right ovary and it was really distracting me from work. I called the Dr's office becuase I was really concerned and I got in to see Dr Evans since the Memorial Holiday was starting and Dr Smithton had gone out of town. Dr Evans felt around on my abdomen which was very sore everytime he pressed near my right ovary.
He sent me over right away for an ultrasound. The ultrasound technician turned out to be the same woman who did the original Ultrasound on Faith that came up with the initial diagnosis. It was a strange moment. She was able to confirm on the screen that there was no baby to be seen in my uterus but that its lining was very thick like it should be in pregnancy. She couldnt really see anything to indicate for sure that there was an Eptopic Pregnancy but she did see something small on my right ovary that was suspicous. She said with a lab of 200 it is way way to early to see ANYTHING and the number needed to be over 1000 or 2000 for a baby to be big enough to see in the uterus or the tube. She felt uncertain about the suspicous spot and called the Head of radiology who logged into the system from home to look at the Ultrasound. He felt the same way, something suspicous but too early to tell.
They sent me home and Dr Smithton called me as I was driving home.
He stated that it is most likely that I am experiencing a miscarriage. He said I could even have an ectopic pregnancy but the chances are very good that since my numbers were so low when I came in on Thursday that I was already miscarrying and even if its an ectopic pregnancy I will probably miscarry that. He offered me some pain meds and told me to call with any questions or concerns I might have and also to go back to the ER if I experience more pain.
After I got home I continuted to experience light bleeding but nothing like a period.
And this is where I am at now. I have spent the day with my family, crampy, waiting, wondering, wishing this would hurry up and conclude so that I could move forward.
Its a strange place to be at..... just waiting.
Yesterday I had copious amounts of peace but today the saddness is starting to set in. I know that life is unpredicible. And I am thankful for the many blessings that I already have in my life. I do trust God and his plan and direction for my life. I rest in knowing that His Plan is there.
But it is amazing to me the amount of loving and planning and wanting that can develop in just a few weeks. I know things are not going to work out for this pregnancy, for a baby at this moment, but I really wanted that baby, wanted the challenge of bringing a third child into my home, a fourth child into my heart, and I know Cliff wanted that too.
We weren't planning for a fourth pregnancy and we certainly were not elated about MORE diapers to change, but in that short period of time we felt so blessed. Absolutely and crazily blessed with life. The bible says in Psalms " Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. " And I like the idea of a full house. Yes, I am tired. Yes, having children is hard work, but the blessing of having those children, it is a blessing straight from God.
Afterall, God's greatest miracle is life.

Mommy's Day

Little Red,

Remembering you, thinking of you, loving you today along with my other 2 amazing kids.

Yours,
Mommy

Down in my bones

It was a feeling that had been coming on for weeks. An achy unsettling down deep in my bones. Like a tornado on the horizon or piles and piles of rain and wind approaching- I could feel that ache so deep that it made me feel off kilter.
I asked her if she was really leaving. She asked me what made me think it was so? I told her I got that feeling and that feeling was never wrong. She sighed and said " I think you are right, Mic."
Fastforward 2 weeks. The day is yet approaching. Only signs on the horizon but no storm yet in sight. I still feel it in my bones.... its more unsettling now than before, like an electric chill running up my spine it leaves me chilled.
She contacts me and says she is headed out of town. She is worried becuase she recieved a message from her grandma and her grandma had planned to come for a visit. She is sad because her grandma hasn't visited in years and Neemaw's voice sounded vulnerable on the phone.
I told her that Neemaw could feel it too......... The woman who had raised her wrapped up in her arms filled with love and wisdom, sweat and tears knew the storm was acomin'.
If Neemaw and I both feel it, does that make it true?

the happy part, the sad part

Ramblings of MicaylaEpisode 1,998Tonight I put together the kids Easter Basket. This is one of the things I look forward to most during the Holidays- the stocking at Christmas, the candy and tokens of love at Valentines day, the basket at Easter. My mom always put so much thought into my own as a child... pouring her love for me into the arrangement and sentiment of the gift that I have been inspired by her to do the same for my own children.I spend days in thought and on more than one trip to the store to find just the right items. I never want to spend too much. I want the gift to be thoughtful and delightful but not showy and materialistic.This year I put together a basket for all of my kids. This was the hard part. Its the hard part at every holiday. I am reminded of all the things I do for Ethan and now Olivia- that I dont do for Faith. I think after almost 2 years those feelings would go away- those feelings of needing to do things for her- but they don't. Instead of covering over that feeling this year for Easter I took extra care to make a special basket for Faith with different items... Items that help me to pour out my love for her, something to take the aching out of my arms that still want to hold her.It was a joyful moment... filling those baskets, arranging the treats and toys, imagining the excitement on my children's face in the morning. It was a sad moment..... thinking of the one little face that I won't get to see.Holidays, they are so bittersweet for me, for us, for our family. Cliff and I are working hard not to transfer our hurts and saddness during this time to our children, to try to make these holidays special and delightful for them. It is easier in many ways, to make new traditions, to do things differently now then we did before we had her.We stay closer to our own home, where we have the freedom to nurse our hurts, slip out to the cemetary to lay flowers on Faith's grave, have a quiet moment alone, or sit and hug our little ones a little tighter, love on them a little longer...... and there in lies that happy part again. That dull ache in my chest for my absent girl reminds me of my fierce love for Ethan and Olivia, reminds me of the joy of their presence, makes my love for them bloom deeper......

Random thoughts of the heart

When I was a little girl I attended a school in Okmulgee Oklahoma. It was called Banneker Kindergarten and it consisted of about 10 classrooms that supported half day kindergarten for about 18 classes. In this school there was also a special classroom for children requiring special education. Even as young as 4 I remember the kids that attended this class. They ranged in age from four to much older( possibly 12) and several of them were in special wheel chairs or walked with the assistance of braces or a walker. Everytime I had the opportunity to be around this special needs class I could not quit staring and wondering about them. I remember one day in class it was my turn to walk with another child to the small kitchen on the other side of the building to return our empty milk crate after snack time. The kitchen was right next to the special needs class and I could see inside the classroom from the spot in front of the milk cooler. I could not help but stare as I stood rooted on the spot. I wondered what life was like at home for those children and what kind of games they liked to play. I stood transfixed in this spot so long that the other child reminded me that we could get in trouble if we took to long and we dumped the milk crate and scurried back to class. Even as a young child I was transfixed by those that were different from me... so much so that my mom said I was never discreet in my staring and would ask questions aloud about people in public that looked different or had a handicap. ( how embarrassing for my mom. *Cringe*)As I look back on that time I think God was preparing my heart even then for the walk ahead.Later, when I was pregnant with my first child, my husband had a coworker who had a baby at only six months pregnant that died. It was a little boy who had a disorder that would not allow him to survive birth and they had a funeral service for him which my husband attended. Weeks later the coworker sent the baby's clothes home with my husband, hoping that we could use the clothes that she had intended for her beloved son.I did not see this for the gracious gesture of giving that it was and was overcome with a fear that by giving us a dead baby's clothes she had somehow inviting ill upon us. I grew so distressed and fearful over the notion that something would now happen to our own baby, that I insisted that these clothes be put out of the house and into the garage. I am embarrassed to state that I was quite shallow and selfish in my anger over the situation. We had a healthy baby boy and time passed. Just before I became pregnant with our second child, I read an article in people magazine. It was about Russell Simmons and his wife Justine. They had given birth to a baby girl that died the same day of her birth from a life threatening condition called an Omphalocele. It was just a small news blurb, a sentence or two long, and yet I was very moved. I was deeply saddened for them and I remember thinking how difficult it must be to lose a baby after your body had worked so hard for 9 months to give that baby life. "I dont know what I would do if that happened to me" I thought. "To put my body through all that for nine months and to have no baby to bring home....."Only 3 months later we discovered that another little one was on its way and everyone asked me if we knew what we were having. I did not know yet that we would be expecting a little girl. "Oh well," they would say " As long as its healthy." This statement really rubbed me the wrong way the more it was said. I already knew that we would love this baby weither it came to us healthy or not... why did people feel the need to say such a thing? Only 2 months later we would discover the grim diagnosis of our daughter.In hindsight, I realize that my heart knew.... all those years my heart was being prepared for the time that I would carry and then get to spend a precious few days with my daughter who was a special needs child. Sometimes the things we fear the most are so feared becuase our heart(and the holy spirit) are preparing us for the time that we will have to face something of a similar circumstance. I am not saying that our fears become our reality... but what I am saying is that sometimes we when we are being prepared spiritually for things, they become at the forefront of our heart or minds. It is that constant presence or those regular brushes with the matter that satan tries to use to cause fear in our hearts.The bible teaches us that " God did not give us a spirit of fear, but power, love, and a sound mind." Satan whispers in our ears that there is much to fear, but God will give us power to overcome any circumstance, love and compassion to support us through it, and a peaceful mind and level head to brave the storm.God can teach us to walk on water in the midst of our storms.....Just some thoughts.Matthew 14:25-3225During the fourth watch of the night Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. 26When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. "It's a ghost," they said, and cried out in fear. 27But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid." 28"Lord, if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water." 29"Come," he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!" 31Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?" 32And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. 33Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, "Truly you are the Son of God." So let us keep our eyes transfixed on him, let us not look to the left or right, or at the ragging storm beneath our feet.