14 months

Dear Faith,
Today you would be 14 months old. It is hard to picture what you would be like now. Perhaps an active toddler ambling around with spritely red curls and determined green? eyes. The truth is that its gotten increasingly harder these last few weeks without you. It all started about August 16th, your original due date from one year ago... of course this was the expected due date before we found out you were so sick.... and becuase of your sick body you came to us so much sooner. I think what really gets me down is when I start to think about some of the things that people say or imply about you and remembering you. I try not to listen to these things...try not to let others influence me... and I have to ask myself why they feel so compelled to try to influence the way I grieve when they have never lost a child themselves.... the truth is, baby girl, that part of this world wants me to just move on, to quit mourning you. They say I should remember you with joy only and be happy that you are in heaven with no more pain. And if I cant remember you with joy, perhaps its best to tuck your memory away. At the very least, I shouldnt be sharing it with the world. I should be living only for my living children.And it is my great hope that I can someday remember you with just the joy of knowing you... and not the pain of being seperated from you...But sometimes I wonder if that is a bit of a lofty goal? I keep trying though, becuase it is easier to live with courage and pray for God's strength than to throw the towel in. And how could I ever tuck your memory away??? Weither a child is alive or dead, as a parent, I think of each of my children a thousand times a day. My love for you didn't die with you.I watched a movie this last week called" We Are Marshall" It is a movie about grieving, about learning to live life after tragedy, having courage to move forward, and ultimately about creating a legacy and honoring the dead.( in the movie this came after many years)One of the characters tells the father of a boy who died in the movie " Nothing's going to change until you have the strength to face your pain." I had to stop when I heard that statement and really think about it. It reassured me that I am doing the right thing by remembering you and helping to create a legacy for you. It really hurts that you aren't here with me.... but I will continue to live life like a broken record if I don't face that pain and let your presence in my life change me into a better person. A more compassionate person I hope.. and more courageous too.One of the feelings that is hardest to live with and understand is the feeling that I can't do enough to take care of you. You have been gone almost 14 months and I still have such strong feelings that I need to take care of you. I still don't know what to do with those feelings but I try to pour them into other things. I ask myself how I am supposed to take care of a baby that isnt here( toddler now) and I don't have an answer to give myself. This is when I spend time working in your garden.... or pouring though your photos... or I start a new project around the house( like cleaning out the closet a few weeks ago.)Its been 14 months and the pain isnt any less... isnt any easier..... but I am learning how to deal with the pain.... and that is a start towards that lofty goal I have I guess.We still talk about you everyday. When Ethan and I pray at night we thank God for the time you were here. We show Olivia your photos and tell her a little about you. Someday we will share your full story with her when she is older. I will always wonder what life would be like for us if you were here... dream of being able to watch all three of my children grow..... and hope that I am honoring your memory in the best ways that I can.I love you so very very very very much dear one. kisses to you from afar.
Love, yours,mommy

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Holding On and Letting Go

I threw it away today,and it felt like I was throwing away a piece of......you.
It was just a bow, made of guaze, frilly and pink.I was cleaning out the closet, the fourth place the bow had been tucked safely inside in the last year. The bow had been lovingly placed around a floral display that was delivered to your funeral. I told myself as I held up that bow to the light that I coudn't hold onto every little thing....that it would not be returning you to me by holding on so tightly....... and yet- it felt so hard to part with that bow.I shoved it down into the trashcan, as if the resolve to place it there would vanish if I didnt act so deliberately. I fought down the urge to pull it back out and pushed myself back to the task of cleaning out the closet.One of my fears is that the memories of you will vanish, that your presence will someday feel less real to me- that I could somehow forget- YOU.I came back to the room to finish the closet- instead I sat down and pulled out my little worn envelope- filled with pictures of you from your brief time here. As the tears began to fill at the corners of my eyes and that hard tug was felt in my heart- I was reminded- I will never forget YOU.
I love you so much little girl!!!! I miss you still!!!! Ever so much!!Mommy

He Giveth and He Taketh Away

sooo.......... i have been mulling over this blog for a bit now :) I have been meaning to post to share with all of you out there how things are going now that Olivia has arrived. I want to take a moment to give you a glimpse of my heart and talk about what it feels like to have a child after experiencing the loss of another child.Let me just start with this: Olivia is a wonderful baby! She is pretty quiet and laid back, she sleeps well and eats well... she loves to be held...... she is tiny- just 6 lbs or so.... but for as small as she is, she fills my heart with a ton of love.(literally, a ton!)When she first came out and started to cry I was so happy that she was born alive! They showed her to me and she was so much smaller than I expected. Once I got some time to look at her and hold her... she didnt look at all as I thought. She has a much darker complextion than Ethan or Faith- in fact- she is our only child with dark hair. I had hoped a little that she would have her sisters curly red hair... but now as I reflect on that thought- maybe it would have been too hard.I am overwelmed with joy to hold her in my arms. I just want to snuggle her so close and kiss her little face all the time. :) I want to hold onto her and never ever let go. But sometimes, I am overcome with a bit of saddness too. Each time I hold her in my arms, I am reminded of how little I got to hold Faith. When she looks at me with her sweet almond shaped eyes( just like Dad) I think how I never got to see Faith gazing at me- becuase she never opened her eyes.It is so bittersweet- I am overwelmed with love for Olivia- and so saddened that I didnt get these opportunities with Faith too. It is the happiest time of my life and also one of the hardest times. I am reminded everytime I look at her how blessed I am- how much I have been given in life- and what I have lost. Although I dont know that lost is the best word- I know right where Faith is. We took Olivia to the cemetary when she was just 4 days old. It was one year and one day after Faith died- July 13th. We had planned to go on the 12th- her angel date- but an unexpected storm blew into town and kept us at home. I didnt think it would be so hard to go out there with Olivia to show her the grave... but my heart broke over and again with every step from the truck to Faiths plot. I wondered if I would be able to convey to my little girl how wonderful and special her big sister was. Would I be able to teach her about her strength and endurance? Or would she grow up only to know about her broken body? It overwelmed me in that moment to think about all the sisterly things that Olivia would miss out on knowing and I was insecure in my ability to teach her what a blessing Faith's short life was and is for me and for our family. I know there are many people that see no blessings or joy in what Faith had to endure- they see only the pain... but with all my heart I want to teach my children the joy of knowing her... to show them the few things that made her life valiant... I want them to see more than just sorrow........I could hardly speak as I opened my mouth to tell her about her beautiful copper headed big sister. I was at a loss for words even though I felt I had so very much to say. How do I share with her about things which I dont even fully understand?
The start I think comes with seeing the blessings.
It is true that in life there is a season for everything under the sun.But I am thankful for all those times... for the lowest of the valleys and for the tiny spots of joy that fall in even the darkest days... and for the great miracle of life that God showers upon me with the birth of each of my children.Life is precious.

Thoughts

Two thoughts have been rolling around in my head lately. the first is an exert from a book that Fawn lent to me called The Dive From Clausen's Pier. In it the mother and daughter are talking about life and actions and what our actions say about us and the mother said something very profound." What we do does not define who we are, who we are defines what we do." The second I heard many years ago, so long ago in fact that I dont remember where it came from or who said it, goes something like this: " The only way to understand ourselves is by what God is and what He does for us." This is written down somewhere in my jumble of journaling and notes and has a verse attached which is Romans 12:2
"Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect"new living translation)
I like the Message version of this the best and it goes:
"So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you."So these thoughts have been swimming around in my head with the usual chatter- thoughts about who I am, how I fit in, if I am living life successfully, if I am really being the best I can be. Similar thoughts I am sure that we all have from time to time. Sometimes I reflect on the days and my words or actions and I wonder how those words or actions reflect on me, what do they say about me as a person? And I remind myself of the quote from the book.. it is not my actions that define me, it is my heart that defines my actions... but then the second thought has recently come into mind... and I remind myself that I am not even defined entirely by WHO I am in my heart, but defined by Christ who lives in my heart. I am not defined by me, but simply put, I am defined by the Creator and what he has done and continues to do. With those thoughts in mind I wonder why I spend so many sleepless nights and anxious days trying to understand why I will never feel like I fit in 100%. I keep trying to conform to the patterns of life around me, keep trying to find "my niche" in society..... but the truth is very clearly cut out for me that I will never find my definition there..... And your thoughts on this anyone?

The Parting- Faith's story Part VI

11 months ago today, Faith departed this earth.I awoke that morning with a great internal heaviness. OUTSIDE the hospital walls the rain was coming down- literally in some parts of the state in floods. These were some of the biggest rain showers we had seen in years during the heat of the summer. It was strange weather for a strange time. INSIDE, my heart was breaking and flooding my body with great sorrow. I didnt know it was the day that Faith would part. She had been resting so well the day before and although it had been only days since we got the news of how broken her body was- she had been fighting so hard that I hoped for miracles of life. I didnt know why my heart was so heavy, but that morning I was so uneasy and so broken that I didnt know if I had ever felt any lower. For all the internal and emotional distress I was feeling, Cliffs body was giving him grief in another way. He awoke that morning with one of the worst migraine's he has ever had. It seems really that as her parents, our spirits and our bodies knew that something was occuring.I took my journal and book and went down to visit Faith in the Nicu. I tried to stay up beat, to talk to her and sing to her... but it was almost too much. I prayed to God to ease the heaviness in my heart...to hold the pieces of me together that felt as if they were falling apart. Eventually I wondered down to lunch in the cafeteria..... and it was after I finished my indian taco( i dont think i will ever forget the meal i ate that day) I got a call on my cell phone. It was one of the surgical residents and she said I had better come on up. I knew in my heart that this was the call. That things were bad.... I called to Cliff to meet me in the NICU and raced for the elevator. As I scrubbed in on the 7th floor my heart was in my lungs and beating so very hard. When I went into Faith's room the machines were sending an alarm which had been going on so long that someone had hit the mute button and the nurse and several doctors were in there trying to get her oxygen levels to return to normal. They explained that she had been desaturating for over 15 minutes at least and that they had attempted blow by blows..... did I want them to try anything else in an effort to save her? I knew this was the question that we had dreaded- the moment we hoped not to face. Cliff wasnt in the room yet but we had already discussed our thoughts and desires for her care. They were asking if they should attempt chest compressions. " No" I said as there was nothing more I knew to say. "My husband is on his way" The nurse told me I could hold her and still keep her on the vent awhile to allow my husband time to get there. I couldnt believe I was finally going to get to hold my tiny baby girl in my arms... and now it was time to say goodbye. I held her and talked to her through my tears. I told her it was okay to let go. Cliff arrived and he held her too... and we cried as we stroked her face, carressed her hair, and held her tightly in our arms as we had longed to do for so long. We told her over and again that we loved her. The medical team removed the vent... and by this time she was already growing faint. We held her in our arms until her spirit left her body. The doctor listened to her heart and called her time of death. I looked down in her face which was now slack and knew she was gone. The nurse helped us to give her the first and final bath... We cleaned her body and removed all the tape and wires and tubes.... and I got to see how beautiful my baby was without all those other things in the way.I didnt know how I was going to be able to leave that hospital and face the trip home, much less the days ahead. I reminded myself over and again that she already had a perfect new body in heaven, and that we would meet there again.... but my heart was still so broken. I had held my baby in my arms as she breathed her last breath. I knew in that moment that I would never be the same person. Faith had profoundly changed my life and taught me the greatest lesson of loving unconditionally.......and she will be forever loved.

In Memorandum: Faith Constance CarlsonJuly 3 2007 - July 12 2007- Forever nine days in our hearts

10 months since we met

Hi little girl,
Saturday marked 10 months since you were born into our lives... I have seen reminders of you where ever I go this weekend.We celebrated your life by expanding your memorial garden a week ago. Several people came by to help and it turned out beautiful. I like to go out there and sit on the bench for a moment alone. Some of the flowers have already started to grow and bloom. It makes me think of you in heaven and how much you are flourishing there. It was so hard to watch you struggle in your earthly body.Sunday morning in church we sang " I am free" by the Newsboys. Everytime we sang the course " I am free to run, I am free to dance" I thought of you up there in heaven dancing around..I still miss you so very much. I love you sweet girl. I am so thankful to God for placing you in my life.
Happy ten month birthday!!
Yours,Mommy

Salutations Up There

Well friend,
I salute you once again this spring- as I do every spring- first on your birthday ( 2.23.79) and then on the day you chose to say goodbye (4.5.98). I still wonder why? I still wonder what your life would be like now, and I still wish I could just pick up the phone and call you. Even more so this year... I wish I could call you and tell you all my great and tiny thoughts about life and the journey...... and living and dying...... and surviving. I wish I could talk to you about surviving the most. I think about your family everyday and how much they miss you. How much they must struggle still in this wake. I think about your friends and dear ones..... and I wonder how much your life..... and death...... has changed who they are?I know it has changed me.What would you tell me this year if you were here? Would you have called, written, sent a card? Would you have found me a verse or song to offer some condolences and comfort in my own grief? Tell me friend, what would you say? You always offered sage advise- comforting words and wisdom. Esteban, I will always remember you. And I will always be thankful that through your life and death I made a new friend.( you know who- thank you for that)
Cowabunga dude.

The Fighter- Faith's Story Part V

Once I was wheeled up to see Faith I got to see for myself what Cliff had been telling me. Not only was our little girl born alive but she was breathing on her own without machines... she was just hooked up to some oxygen. I was so elated to sit with Faith a moment and get to know her. Her hair was slightly curly/wavy and was a beautiful strawberry blond. Almost orange really. She had the tiniest little toes and fingers and her skin was so red and healthy looking. What a beautiful tiny little girl! She had Cliff’s nose for sure! And of course there was the"O" and it was big.... but not as big as we had once thought. I didnt stay too long the first visit becuase it was kind of scary to see her with so many tubes and so tiny in the isolete. I also knew she was working really hard and I wanted her to be able to rest. We were just amazed at the fact that it was almost 12 hours after our little girls birth and she was thriving. We really didnt know what to think when she was born but I had hoped for a few hours with her. And now we were getting so many more! I thanked God for those hours!And as time passed I was able to thank God for a day! Wednesday came, the fourth of July. Faith had a hard day and began to struggle a bit. This was very scary. But she kept fighting. She was outweighing the odds as each hour passed. What a strong baby girl! We listened to the fire works in brick town as they went off that evening from inside the hospital walls. And we prayed and hoped for more time with our dear Faith.On Thursday when we went to visit her there was some setbacks. As we were walking down to her room we had to wait to go in becuase she was being placed on a ventilator. The first ventilator didnt control her O2 levels well enough and so she was also placed on a second ventilator. It made her little chest shake with its motion and was a bit noisy. They said that she needed some extra help becuase she couldnt keep her carbon dioxide levels down. She had to be sedated while on the vent so that she wouldnt be in pain. But still, she continued to try to breath on her own about 30 to 40 breaths a minute. She was trying so hard!That night we went very late to visit her again. We couldnt sleep and just needed some time with her. I will never forget the fellow that was working that night. He came in while we were visiting Faith and took the time to explain so many things to us. He told us such heartbreaking news about her body and her condition. He explained that since her liver and some of the intestines had grown outside the body... they didnt fill up her belly during development the way they needed to support the lungs. Her lungs had formed longer and more elongated then they should and so this meant the first day and a half she used every muscle in her chest to breathe. She simply grew too tired to continue breathing unassisted on her own and this is why she had to go on the ventilator. He took us into an office and showed us all the xrays and scan pictures of her chest so that we could understand for ourselves. He also showed us that it appeared that she either had no diaphram to hold up the lungs or a weak diaphram that wasnt strong enough. Either way it could not be seen in the scans and the doctors didnt know if it was there. In essence, she would most likely not ever survive off of a ventilator. We were overcome with sorrow in this moment. We thanked the doctor for his time and spent a moment with Faith watching her sleep. We went back to our room for the very longest night of our lives. We cried and held each other and prayed. Eventually around 1 AM a nurse came in to check on me and when she saw us she sat down for a moment. She asked what was wrong and we told her. She offered to call a chaplain to come sit with us and a little while later the chaplain came down. We sobbed as we told him the difficult news we had recieved and he gave us many comforting scriptures and prayed with us. He also asked if he could contact our church to let them know we were there. We said this would be okay. In the morning we got up to go talk with the head of the NICU to find out what kind of treatment we should give Faith now. As we were about to head out the door Deanna from Lifechurch was coming in. The Chaplain had apparently called the church as soon as his shift ended at 8 in the morning and as soon as they heard the news Deanna had showered and driven in to Oklahoma City as fast as she could. She sat with us as we told her about Faith and her prognisis and she prayed with us. Then we went to talk to Dr Sakar about Faith. He explained that her body could not support the function of her living unassisted from a ventilator. We didnt want to take her off of the ventilator because we wanted to give her time but we didnt want her to suffer. He suggested placing a DNR in her file.... He said the hospital would continue to care for her as they had been but if she began to desaturated they would try providing blow by blow oxygen but would not attempt chest compressions. He explained that the chest compressions in an infant her size- a preemie- and with her internal organs not being intact could cause serious damage to the cartilidge in her chest. We never thought we would have to be faced with decisions like this! If our hearts were not already broken... they were breaking into a million pieces as we watched our little girl struggle and fight! And still despite the vents, despite the sedatives, she was fighting to breathe on her own!We told Dr Sekar we would think about it and we left for awhile to discuss it. We prayed and prayed for guidance- to ensure we were doing the best and right thing. It was the hardest decision we have ever made in our lives. The worst most awful kind of decision a parent would have to make.Cliff’s parents walked us over to the veterens center to get something to eat for lunch as we thought about what to do. As we were coming back over and preparing to go talk again with Dr Sekar we saw the pastor from our church waiting to go in the elevator that we were headed for. We had been two large hospital buildings away for a few hours and at the exact moment we went to go into one of the many elevators... there he was in ours. He followed us up to my hospital room and we explained everything to him. We talked and prayed for a little while. And his visit gave us the courage and the peace to go talk to Dr Sekar with our decision. In that moment I was so sad but also at peace. In our most desperate moment God had provided for us some comfort and peace in making the decision. He knew just the moments that we would need visitors the most and they were faithful to come.We placed the DNR in Faith’s file and we waited. We thought this was the end. However, she continued to fight. All through the weekend she continued to fight and we were able to spend much more time with her. I learned to change her diaper, check her temperature, and one of the night nurses Jackie even showed me how to cuddle her body with my hands... As close as I could get to holding her while she was on the ventilator.Then a new week was approaching and we were nearing Faiths one week birthday. I made a little sign for her isolete and we got her a little stuffed animal to go along with the mouse the Hospital volunteers gave her and the Koala that Aunt Dawn got her. Her weekend day nurse Diann took pictures of us with her and made her little signs to hang on the isolete. Jackie, her night nurse took her footprints and also made little signs. We sat with her as much as we could and her levels responded so well when I would sing to her or talk to her. I sang to her as much as I could.We celebrated her one week birthday on Tuesday. Our little girl, our fighter, was still defying odds. We had hoped for a few hours with her and had now been blessed with a week!She was even able to come off of the second ventilator for a short time toward the end of the week but by the next day was back on it. When the surgeons came to check her dressings on Tuesday they manuevered part of her intestines into the stomach cavity. They thought it might give her more support for her lungs.The next day she was so very still. She finally quit trying to breath against the machines and just rested. I was pleased that she was finally resting so well but also it made me uneasy. I didnt know that this was going to be her last full day with us.

The Arrival- Faith's Story Part IV

The Arrival
In the final weeks before Faith's arrival her growth slowed so much that the Doctor thought she had a better chance to survive outside the womb than in. We began to prepare for an early C-section. I took steroid shots and we visited the Doctor weekly so he could check so many things. We learned all sorts of things about ultrasound and medical care at this point. They began to check cord blood flow, heartrate, movement, and something called the circle of willis. This is an area of the brain that conserves the blood flow if the body doesnt have enough oxygen and energy to survive. The brain will begin to conserve the blood. It was determined that we would try to make it to 34 weeks. We began to count down the days, the hours, the minutes. I could not sleep well, could not function well, I cried all the time. The date was determined a few days before the C-section and everyone in the family fell into place. Family and friends found a way to be there for us at the time of Faith's arrival. On the morning of July 3rd I awoke with the words to a song running through my head. It was Este es el dia.... the spanish version of the hymn "This is the day" I tried to rejoice in that! I took it as a sign of peace and we drove to the hospital to check in. We didnt know if she would be born alive, if she would ever be able to take a breath. We tried to prepare, tried to hold strong but we were SO SCARED. At 1:05 Faith arrived. At first she made no sounds. We had braced for this, I knew it may take a moment for her to be able to breath. But this is what I longed to hear.The NICU team went furiously to work and after a moment we heard weak little kitten cries. OUR BABY WAS ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cried and praised God in that moment. They wheeled her by so I could see her sweet baby face and then they rushed off to the NICU. Daddy followed close behind to watch her progress. After the Dr's got me cleaned up and back to recovery our family came by one by one. There were so many family and friends waiting that they filled an entire waiting room!!! How loved Faith was already! Cliff spent his time watching them care for Faith and escorting some family to the NICU to take a peek. I had a few people come sit with me but for the most part I was alone. Eventually someone came and showed me some pictures of Faith- I think it was Cliff, and I cried some more. She was breathing on her own, with help from CPAP oxygen. She was fighting!!!!!! That night I was able to get up out of bed and be wheeled down to have a formal introduction with my little girl. She was so tiny - only 3 lbs and 2 oz. She was on oxygen and breathing hard but she was trying! We didnt know what to think or expect and tried to prepare ourselves for the coming weeks and the adjustment that our lives had to make. How long would Faith be in the NICU? Months? And could she survive?

6 months

6 months
Dear Faith,
I stayed up all evening after Ethan went to bed and watched TV until the time came for the 12th to be here. I just couldnt go to sleep, although any other given night I would be happy to crawl into bed at 9 pm. It is six months since you left. Life continues to move on and I am looking for ways to carry you on with me. I cant stand the idea of life moving on from you. I hold you in my heart wherever I go. You are in my thoughts everyday and it never fails at the oddest times that something will happen or be said to bring my thoughts back to you. It is that heartstring that attaches my heart to yours and although you are not here anymore, it still tugs away.I have been writing your story of course. Well, the story I know of you. It has not been easy, but it has helped to heal my heart a bit. I am trying everyday to remember you with gladness and with less pain in my heart. Sometimes its hard but we are determined to push on to a day that we can remember you and only smile. Your Daddy, brother, and I talk about you so often still. I try to mention all the positive and delightful things about you I can so that we will not remember all those sad moments. I show Ethan your pictures and then we look at his baby pictures and we talk about what you both were like as babies. I make jokes about how you both came out crying... although your cries were a little delayed. I asked him if he knew what kind of car you drive and told him you get to drive a cloud up in heaven. He sleeps with Sprinkles almost everynight and he asks at least a few times a week where you are. We try to always tell him the same thing but in different ways so that he can learn to understand. We tell him that your old body is in the cemetary and your spirit is in Heaven with Jesus. We tell him you dont have any pain anymore. We tell him you never cry or are sad. He says he is sad. He just misses you. We tell him we miss you too.Six months sure isnt very long, is it baby girl? Sometimes it seems like a lifetime ago. I think about holding you in my arms in those last moments, about cuddling you in your isolete, about singing to you in the womb.... I still wish to fall asleep and dream of you at night........ maybe tonight will be the night eh?I love you dearest. My little one.Be careful driving that cloud around :) You are probably the youngest driver ever!!!

Love always and forever and ever with a big kiss and a cherry on top!

Mommy

The Waiting- Faith's Story Part III

Now that we knew about Faith's diagnosis, we began to pray and wait. And learn as much as we could. I joined a message board with other trisomy families. I studied and studied the stories of other children born with trisomy 13- looking for a link, a similarity, something.I tried to return to work as normal as possible. Somedays I would cry quietly at my desk. Or cry during my drive between stores. And Faith began to kick and move. In those moments I held her so tight. I would sit still as long as I could and talk to her, sing to her, and just feel her move. It was a dark time though. We knew there was a good chance that she could die in utero- stop growing. I could go into early labor- any day. I tried to remain hopeful everyday. I hoped and prayed for our little girl so ferverently!!!It was hard to stay upbeat though. Cliff and I were having difficult conversations I had never imagined I would ever have. Conversations about her care.. about what our life would be like..... and asking questions.... What if? What if Faith dies? What will we do?We cried everytime we entered these conversations... we could barely get the words out.... but we pushed forward and tried to prepare. I began to grow depressed. Faith's growth began to slow down and I was placed on bed rest. OH HOW DARK WERE THOSE DAYS. Suddenly my life grew very still. Ethan would still go to Aunt Serene's so I could rest during the day. I tried to sleep as much as I could. I was so lonely. I was used to being so busy. At work I would come in contact with many people everyday. I had very few visitors. I think I could count all the visits I had in that last month on one hand or two hands. I couldnt sleep at night...... I would stay awake until the early morning praying and quoting any bible verse or song I knew to pass the time. I cried rivers of tears. I was trying to stay strong but I didnt know how we could face this- how we could do this. I still don't. In the darkest moments I would sing out one song " Be thou my vision" I would sing it to Faith, sing out to God, and pray for strength, pray that my heart be focused on God alone. I wondered everyday so many times a day " will I meet my daughter?" "will I get to hold her while she is alive?" " will my daughter make it?" " can I give her the care she needs?" " Can I do this?" At night, when I couldnt sleep I would slip out of bed as soundlessly as possible so I didnt wake Cliff and I would slouch down the hall to the study. I cried out to God so many times as I sat in the dark in that room. I cried for Faith,I cried for Cliff and Ethan, I cried for strength, but most of all I cried that God's will be done and that I could accept that. My heartache was so strong it was physical. My heart literally ached inside my chest. I thought it could rip in two.Still I had moments of great faith. Moments that brought me peace. I know God gave me those moments of relief ALWAYS when I needed them most... always after I felt the most broken. I knew that God would hold us. That he would guide us as we walked this journey. That he was in control. And eventually the time came after all the waiting......... to deliver our baby girl....

The Specialist- Faith's Story Part II

We went to see the Specialist on March 26th. We had to wait 2 weeks from the initial call from Dr Smithton becuase the specialist didnt have any available appointments. I even called around to several other specialists to see if ANYONE could fit us in. After what seemed like an eternity, we went in on March 26th. Little would I know that this short 2 week wait would seem so very little compared to the waiting ahead. Cliff's parents came with us to the first appointment with the specialist and this started a trend. From this point on they were by our sides and at every appointment for the rest of the baby's life. We started the appointment with Dr. Elimian by having the best ultrasound ever. The technician was highly skilled and looked at every part of the baby. He confirmed that we were having a girl( although he also said it was hard to tell) and he showed us the giant "O"( this is what we began to refer to the Omphalocele as) Dr Elimian strongly encouraged an amnio becuase there was a 33% chance that our baby girl had a chromosome disorder. He did it right there on the the spot and they inserted a giant needle into my belly while he watched on ultrasound to make sure he didnt hit the baby. She did a funny thing as we watched the ultrasound. She swam over to where the needle had been inserted and put her hand up to the hole to feel for what had come in. I knew she was a smart little girl from the very start!Dr Elimian scheduled us for a follow up the day after Easter- 2 weeks away. We were told the amnio results could take 2 weeks to come back or they could be back sooner but we would go over them at the next appt. We went home with our hopes high and started another wait. I researched Omphalocele's as much as I could to prepare for the next visit and to decide on treatment for our baby girl. I learned that if she had chromosome problems she could have a severe type of trisomy such as trisomy 18 or 13. The majority of sites I visited assured that a baby that had this would be born severely mentally retarded and severely physically disabled. The sites said the baby would most likely die within a year. During this time Cliff asked if we could name our little girl Faith. "WE will need great faith to get through this" He said. I agreed. Our baby had a name.On the Friday before Easter I was off work. Ethan was staying with Mimi and Papa and I was beside myself wondering about Faith. It had been almost 2 weeks and the results werent in. I decided to call the genetics lab. They had to look around for her results and said they would call back. They called back a little while later. They told me Faith did test positive for a Trisomy. 13 but the cells were mosaic. Again I was in shock and didnt know what that meant. I wrote it all down. The genetic counselor asked what I was thinking? "How are you feeling? What are your questions" and talked in a very soothing and soft voice. I just repeated what he had told me about the test results and got off the phone. I got online to look up Mosaic Trisomy 13. I was shocked. I called Cliff crying at work and asked him to come home. He asked me why and I told him the initial results. He drove home in a wild state I am certain. We began to research Faith's condition. It was scary. As sites predicted mental retardation, possible miscarraige at anytime. Less than a month of life was projected outside the womb. We found one site that gave a ray of hope. www.livingwithtrisomy13.org There were children that were living with Trisomy 13. Children that went to school. Some children that danced and played sports. We printed off everything we had and decided to go home to Cliff's parents for Easter. We prepared as much data as we could to share with them. The drive to Elgin was long. The weekend was long. Everyone tried to remain in high spirits but it was difficult. I had to go off to myself several times to cry. I didnt know how we could make it. I didnt know how we could do it. I began to pray earnestly. Faith was now kicking and moving and with each Kick I held her so tightly in my stomach. "stay strong" I whispered. "I love you!"On Monday we went to the specialist with Cliff's parents. He went over the results with us and advised that we could still terminate the pregnancy. He said that due to her condition she was not going to be viable with life. I pulled out the papers from the website. I told him she could live. This was the closest I came to having an outright arguement with a medical professional. He left to have the nurse check my stats and came back in. He said he just wanted to be sure that we wanted to continue with the pregnancy considering the odds. That after 24 weeks we couldnt change our mind. Cliff and I reassured him that we would not be changing our minds. We will carry her as long as God allows!

The Beginning- Faith's story

The story of Faith starts back in a cold November of 2006. Thanksgiving had passed along with the big bedlam game. I became very dizzy one day at work. I thought I was going to pass out. I thought maybe its becuase I forgot to eat and one of my co-workers had to drive me to pick up some food. As I sat nibbling that meal( it was Taco Bell if you were wondering) the first seeds of wonder sprouted in my mind that I might be pregnant. It had been awhile since we had tried to prevent having a baby so it really could happen at any time. That night as I drove home from work I stopped and picked up a pregnancy test. I couldnt believe it when the stick showed 2 lines!!! I ran downstairs to tell Cliff and we were so excited! A sibling for Ethan! Another little blessing! I apologized to Cliff for not having a more clever presentation. He suggested I do a broadway song and dance so I left the room, came back in and preformed a song and dance routine. We laughed and hugged and all was right with the world!!We called all of our family to tell them and they laughed with us at the thought of a new child coming into our home..... and the thought of Ethan playing the role of big brother.......From the beginning I hoped it was a girl! I asked God for a little girl to dote on and dress up and to share mommy daughter things with.During the pregnancy I felt good although always tired. Faith was slow to grow- but Ethan had been a little baby too so I wasnt surprised. I didnt suffer much more than occasional nausea. We waited until March for the ultrasound to see our little one. The technician took a long time and couldn't confirm if you were a girl or boy. Although she guessed at a girl. We took your pictures home and were elated to have so many litte snapshots of the baby in utero. It was tiny- about a week behind in growth so I thought maybe we were wrong about our dates.... It seems like Ethan had been a little bit behind as well...........It was the phone call I recieved 2 days later that changed EVERYTHING.I remember it like it was yesterday. I was in Oklahoma City preparing to teach a class and saw that I had missed a call from the Doctor's office. Dr Smithton himself called to tell me he needed to discuss the ultrasound. My heart fell. I called back to learn he was with a patient and waited in the kitchen of the office for the call to come in. When he called he told me that there was a problem detected on the ultrasound. I didnt understand what he was trying to say becuase I was in shock but I wrote down everything I could that he said so I could research it. He said that the baby had gastrochisis or an omphalocele- a condition were part of Faith's organs were outside her body. He said it may not be as serious as it sounds but had us set up to see a Specialist in Oklahoma city at the end of the month. I hung up the phone and began to cry. My baby! My sweetest little one! I texted my boss and asked to go home. That something was wrong with the baby and I needed to take a personal day. The people that worked at the business office asked me if I was okay " whats wrong?" They asked. and I told them something was wrong with the baby. I drove home. I dont remember when I called Cliff or how I told him. I remember getting on the internet and reading every thing I could about the conditions..... I never believed that what we were about to find out in the coming weeks could ever happen to us.........

Never

There will never be....
enough kisses to give
enough pictures to see
enough memories to cherish
enough times to hold you
enough days to know you
enough lullybyes to sing
enough tears to cry
Never.

Another Child

Another Child,
Does not replace the one that was lost,
Another Child,
is not a salve to cure the wounds of grief,
Another Child,
is not an eraser to wipe the past away.
Another Child,
is a gift of love,that will help to fill the mothers heart,
that is full of love for her children but big enough to love a hundred more.
Another Child,
is a gift of joy,that will help to fill a father's arms,that are strong enough to hold each of his children in his warm embrace.

Time

You have made my days a mere handbreadth;

the span of my years is as nothing before you.

Each man's life is but a breath. Psalms 34:5

Faith,
It has been 155 days since you were here with us. That is 17 times the length of your life on earth. Your life was but a short breath. I think about the days of your life in terms of other events. It is now only 11 days to Christmas. This is 2 days more than the length of your life here with us. I am so thankful for the days we had, but I wish they had been so many more!!! I remind myself now as I grow impatient for things to come around how short the wait really is. Each day is so precious. Each day counts. As I was thinking this week how much I wanted the days to just roll by so I could rest, I realized how much I might be missing. The here and now, today, is just as important as yesterday and tommorrow. Although, the here and now would be so much better with you in it.9 days. It is but a handsbreath. I wish I had 9000 days of you!Mommy

Just a Moment Please.......

For a moment our ears rang with the music of your kitten cries.
Our eyes gazed briefly at the waves of your copper infant tresses.
For a moment we felt your baby softskin,
warm against our hands embrace.
We breathed in deeplyyour sweet baby scent.
For a moment we held youtightly in our arms;
as your breathing slowed,your body went limp-
and you were gone in only a moment.
For a moment only we had you and held you.
It only took a moment to create a lifetime of love.
That moment was priceless.

In Memorandum Faith Constance CarlsonJuly 3 to July 12 2007
5 months is too long baby girl!!!!!!!!!!!!

Five Months Now

Dear Darling Faith,

Today, December 3rd will mark 5 months since your birth. I often wonder what you would be like at five months old. I have stopped trying to imagine a 5 month old you with T13, but imagine if you were here with us and healthy. I would be watching you dribble baby food out of your mouth and make a mess every night at dinner. I bet you would be sleeping through the night and excercising your little heart out in a exersaucer or activity seat. But you are not here with me in body so I think what this holiday will be like without you. We have a little pink tree in the corner of the living room decorated for you. Ethan helped me put up the ornaments and helps to plug it in every night. We put up our stockings..... four in a row, and yours is a satin pink one on the end with a rose on the cuff. On Christmas we will light a special candle for you and share our memories and thoughts of you and how wonderful you are. I wonder what Christmas will be like in Heaven? I bet you will have so much fun! Playing and laughing and celebrating! I bet the lights are amazing and will top any display we have here....... not to mention you must have the tastiest hot cocoa and cookies ...... I try to imagine but I can only imagine dear one.Things are beginning to move so quickly here. Ethan still talks about you everday. He really really misses you and told me today he wished he could hold you. I told him I want to hold you too, but he can pretend and thats okay. We talk about the new baby too....... I tell him it is a gift hand picked by you. He said if its a girl we should name it Faith, but I told him that is your name only and this baby will have its own name..... maybe you could send me a suggestion in my dreams? I still long to dream of you every night as I lay down my head. I love you and miss you and long for the day that we can be together again!

Sweet Dreams!
Mommy

Confessions and Thoughts

I just finished a deep conversation with a friend that has spurred many thoughts and built upon others....
Guilt can be such a tricky thing. A friend and I were in deep conversation tonight and it spurred an entire conversation( which has been an ongoing conversation over the last few months) about guilt and its purpose. Maybe you are the kind of person that can easily place guilt and blame on your surroundings- other people- other things- but never you.... or perhaps you are one of the truly clairvoyant who can place guilt and blame upon its rightful owner at every turn... sometimes its you, sometimes its another, sometimes it just an odd set of coincidences. But you know where the truth lies, you accept it and move on..............Or perhaps you are like me. The kind of person that puts the weight of every interaction on your shoulders. It is my fault that so-in-so is unhappy. I havent been a good friend, I havent been a good wife, I am not a good mom. I yell too much, I dont call my friends enough, I dont work hard enough when I am at the office..... and so on and so forth.As a strength, those that tend to place guilt upon themselves in this fashion tend to be uber responsible for the things that are placed in their lives ... this may not be seen from an outward persepective... but it is an internal responsibility and attachment that is felt. But in weakeness, guilt can reck havoc on our physical, mental, and spiritual well being. In the most recent months I have felt extreme guilt and worry about Faith and why she died. And in my mind I know that I was not responsible for her death... but that doesnt stop me from thinking about and conjuring up every possible thing that I could have done or could not have done to make me responsible for her death. I have been through both physical, emotional, and spiritual reasons that I feel could have lead to the turn of events we have recently gone through. It is probably one of the most overwelming feelings and roadblocks that God is working on in my life right now. It is something I seek God's face for a lot. It is something that at times puts me to sleep with tears, makes me physically ill with worry, and overshadows the best of my days with darkness. Guilt can be a tricky thing...

November 12 2007- Four Months

Dearest Faith,
Today it has been 4 months since you departed this earth. I have thought so much today of the many things you taught me in your short stay here and how you have changed my life. Always before me in every action or deed I now have a deep and overwelming motivation to give of myself completely and whole heartedly. You taught me that. I watched you struggle and fight for life every moment that you were here. You gave every once of your strength to live and BREATHE! There have been moments in my sorrow that I thought to hold back my heart or dare not to hope for things to come becuase I was afraid that my hopes would fall. Dearest Daughter you taught me that hopes always go up, but do not always come down... and weither I hold back or passionately embrace each day, life still moves forward, joys and sorrows still come, and with God's compassion and strength I can continue on.I used to think sweet girl, that it was cowardly to fear. You have taught me that fears may be always there, but the important thing is to stand up and face my fears. I will go through my life looking my fears in the face. God has used your life to show me that even in the darkest of times He is ever with me and before me, guiding me with His right hand.It is my hope that someday I will be as brave and passionate and fierce as you were in your 9 days here. I can't wait to see you again! I miss you so!I will continue to breathe deeply!
Love,Mommy

Beauty

I wrote a post earlier this summer about the beauty God places around us. My son has taken to describing many things that he sees( even a wooden desk that we brought home today!) as beautiful. Sometimes they are not things I might think of as anything more than ordinary, but perhaps my son sees the world through untarnished eyes and is able to delight in the many things I neglect from day to day. Maybe he has finally found a word to articulate all the wonderful things that are around us each day that I have learned to overlook as I rush on by. I thought about this as we drove out to dinner in the early evening. We had the windows rolled half way down and the warm afternoon sun had cleared away the early morning dew. As autumn is my favorite time of year, I closed my eyes for a moment and let the suns heat rest on my face while I took a deep breath in of that cool, crisp autumn air. Something about breathing that sweet cold air into my lungs makes me feel like an athlete waiting for the start of the game. I have endurance ready and rearing in my heels, joyful anticipation beating in my heart, and muscles ready to spring into action. It motivates me. It centers me. And most of all it makes me feel like I am coming to life....... It is a beautiful feelingAs I have said before, there is beauty and life all around us. All we have to do is take a deep breath and breathe it in.So breathe deeply!

New Normal

new normal
This was recently posted on a message board I am a part of and I decided to post it here.
From the heart of a bereaved Mother...
This is now what "normal"is...
Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someoneimportant is missing from all the important events in yourfamily's life.

Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery foBirthdays Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentine's Day, July 4th andEaster.

Normal is feeling like you know how to act and are more comfortable with a funeral than a wedding or birthday party...yet feeling a stab of pain in your heart when you smell the flowers and see the casket.

Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute withoutgetting up and screaming, because you just don't like to sit through anything.
Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly.
Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes andmind, holding your head to make it go away.
Normal is having the TV on the minute I walk into the house tohave noise, because the silence is deafening.
Normal is staring at every baby who looks like he is my baby'sage. And then thinking of the age she would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it willnever happen.
Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.
Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday,commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyesat how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part ofmy "normal".
Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and her birthday and survive these days. And trying to find the balloon or flag that fit's the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really.
Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight ofsomething special my baby loved. Thinking how she would love it, but how she is nothere to enjoy it.
Normal is having some people afraid to mention my baby.
Normal is making sure that others remember her.
Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on withtheir lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.
Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, thegrieving gets worse sometimes, not better.
Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their lifeto this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if yourchild is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare. Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.
Normal is disliking jokes about death or funerals, bodies beingreferred to as cadavers, when you know they were once someone's loved one.
Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, butsomeone stricken with grief over the loss of your child. Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feelwith chat buddies who have also lost a child.
Normal is feeling a common bond with friends on the computer inEngland, Australia, Canada, the Netherlands and all over the USA, but yetnever having met any of them face to face.
Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talkingand crying together over our children and our new lives.
Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleanedthe house, did laundry or if there is any food.
Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say youhave three children or two, because you will never see this person again andit is not worth explaining that my baby is in heaven. And yet when you sayyou have two children to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if youhave betrayed your baby.
Normal is avoiding McDonald's and Burger King playgrounds because of small, happy children that break your heart when you see them.
Normal is asking God why he took your child's life instead of yours .
Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or amillion years. And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that havebecome "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that youare "normal".

author unknown

3 months!

My sweet girl,
It is hard to believe three months have passed since the day you made your stunning debut. You were heaven sent and to heaven returned, a gift given to us to enjoy for a short while.Oh blessed child shroud in angels attire, the days were too few but so sweet. I think of you so often still and long for those days gone by. If you cannot return to me, someday I shall go to you, to sit with you on high. And we shall laugh and carry on and I will hold you in my arms. Until that day I will think of you and hold your memories most dear. As I lay my head down to sleep tonight my one hope is that we will meet again in my dreams.I love you darling. Sweet Dreams Tonight.

Always and Forever,Your Mommy

whats next?

As a parent we desire to take all of our childrens hurts and wipe them away.... to fix what ails them, to nurse them through sickness. It starts from the day they are born, changing dirty diapers, rocking them when they cry. It is a hug and a kiss for the first time they bump their head as they are learning to walk. A bandaid on their first skinned knee. We read them a ton of books or bring them a bowl of ice cream when they are sick in bed, or lay beside them patting their back as they drift off to sleep. It is a comforting word and an encouragement the first time they get called a name in school. Or maybe its financial help and a place to stay when they get into trouble as a teen or adult.Maybe for some it comes in the form of sitting beside them for hours on end as they recover from a nasty break or illness, or making difficult decisions in their medical care becuase we want to give them every chance there is without allowing them to suffer too much.But what happens when it isnt enough? When there comes the point as a parent that we can do no more? What happens when a kiss and a hug, a bowl of ice cream, or all the medical care in the world can't take away the pain for our loved one? What do we do next when there is no action in the world that we can take to save a life? The life of our child? What comes next? What do we do as parents if the time comes for us to say good-bye? And what do we do when that time has past, and our child is gone, with the feelings we still have to fix their hurts?
Dear Lord, I think so often of Mary as she watched her son suffering on the cross. I understand her great sorrow in watching her son drift away before her eyes. I dont know what to do with all of these desires I have to care for Faith. I continually wonder if there was anything more I could do for her. Lord I know that your ways are just, that you are a caring and compassionate God. I know I may never know why Faith couldnt be healed but the hurt is there none the less. God please help to heal my broken heart. Give me solace in the shelter of your arms.

Graduation

Dearest Daughter,
Your dad and I finally ordered prints of all your photos this weekend. I was surprised and happy to see that we had over 300 shots of you. Of course, many of these are under the billi lights, and all of them before your death are in your special incubator, but I cherish them none the less. There were so many little things I forgot, and that made me sad. Did you know we got to watch you graduate? In the Nicu your nurses rolled tiny strips of gauze into teeny tiny 'diplomas' and placed one in each of your curled fists for you to hold on to. You looked so sweet holding your baby diplomas in each hand. It signified to me that you had graduated into life. I was so proud! They also rolled a baby recieving blanket into a bed buddy for you and you would cuddle it all day long. They would wrap your little arms and legs around it to help comfort you as you lay in your little cocoon. Your hands were so small, daddy could barely get all of your fingers to curl around just one of his. You always seemed to hold tight when he reached in. I am so sad that I never got to hold you in my arms until you were already slipping away- but do you remember when I would "cuddle" you with my hands? I would sing lullabye after lullabye as I held my hands around you. I remember how it felt to hold my hands to your warm little body and breathe in your baby smell. The nurses were so kind and gentle with you. They let me help as much as possible in your care. I got to change your wee little diapers and take your temperature.I have a picture of me holding up one of your diapers. It is SO tiny in the photo, but on you it was so BIG! What a tiny thing you were! Oh how I miss you Faith! Daddy and Big Brother do too! Ethan tells us everyday that he misses you. He loves to visit your grave and leave flowers and gifts for you.Today he asked to lay in your crib. He just rested there for awhile, looking at your baby mouse. He insisted on using your baby pillow instead of the big one I put in there for his head to rest upon. Lots of hugs and kisses! And many sweet lullabyes! I will go to sleep thinking of you and hoping that we can meet again in my dreams. I love you!

Always and Forever,
Mommy

Miracle

Dear Faith,
What a day! Everything seemed so topsy turvy and it felt like I couldnt quite get anything right. In my angst( another word I have borrowed from your dear Aunt Fawn) I thought of the moment of your birth. I remember so clearly the feelings of fear and hope that I would get to meet you. As the days drew closer to your birth, I knew that each day that passed brought another chance that I would not meet you. The odds were great that you would die in utero, and as time stretched on the odds were stacking against you. I tried and tried to brace myself for your arrival. Tried not to get my hopes up that I would hear you cry. This of course I have learned is an uncontrolable thing- hopes always go up :) But they do not always get let down. It took a few minutes after birth, but you were crying and breathing! Miracle of miracles! Baby Girl you lived for 9 days! Precious days that didnt last long enough! I am so thankful for you! What a gift the Lord has given me in you! I would not trade those days for anything except more days with you!I miss you!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mommy

infinitesimal

Life is but a breathe.Life is short. I am changing that saying - it is now, Life is infinitesimal.


in·fin·i·tes·i·mal /??nf?n?--t?s?m?l/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[in-fin-i-tes-uh-muhl] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–adjective
..>
1.
indefinitely or exceedingly small; minute: infinitesimal vessels in the circulatory system. ..>
..>
2.
immeasurably small; less than an assignable quantity: to an infinitesimal degree

2nd Month Birthday

My Dearest Faith,
We are at the dawn of your 2 month birthday. I still think of you everyday, all day. It is hard to believe that it has been 2 months since the day we welcomed you into this big wide world, one of the most precious and cherished days of my life. In fact, the 9 days we had with you are the happiest and saddest days of my life. It makes me sad as each day passes that I am moving another day farther from the time I got to hold you in my arms, and yet, I am stepping one day closer to the day when I will be reunited with you in Heaven. How is that for bittersweet?I met another little girl today with your name. It made me wonder what you would have been like when you reached the age of 8, just as she was. You are and forever will be a great mystery dear daughter. I sometimes grow angry that I will never get to know the deep turns and folds of your personality, never get to watch you grow older, never get to brush your hair, to laugh and play games- just as I do with your older brother Ethan. But that list of wishes and wants for you is endless and will always be left unquenched and wanting.Your brother talks about you everyday. He still asks to see you and he delights in visiting 'your spot' in the cemetary. He loves to bring flowers to place there and likes to play with all of your little girl and angel figurines. Just yesterday he dug through his toys and set up a Giraffe family with his plastic figurines. We were all there( mommy, daddy, ethan- in giraffe form of course) and he even sent Grandma digging for the tiny baby one - "for Fabe" as he calls you. His acknowledgement and acceptance of you into our family both soothes and breaks my heart. It soothes me becuase you so obviously belong there and I dont want your place ever forgotten, but it breaks my heart because he never got time to know you. He just has so much love for you.Your daddy and I talk about you everyday too. You are never far from our thoughts. We talk about the ways that your presence in our life has changed us and how much you have inspired us to be better people and to make a difference. Did you know your life has given us so much hope and strength for each day we will face and the people we can choose to be? I still cry out for you. I hope you hear and know how very much I love you so.You are such a blessing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Always,Mommy
HAPPY 2 MONTH BIRTHDAY FAITH!!!!!!!!!!!!

day at a time?

I returned to work this week and started today with a meeting with about 50 of my peers. I knew returning to work would be difficult but was unsure how it would effect me. I had no idea how hard it would be to put on a brave face for a full day. I was so drained by the end of the meeting I was fighting with each breath that I breathed in and out to hold back the tears. I was exhausted. The room was so noisy and full of life at the meeting- and all I could think about was how much I missed my daughter and that I did not belong in a room so full of happiness and activity. I want desperately for my broken heart to be unbroken, to be carefree, so desperately I want to fit in with those around me but it is as if I am a stranger in a foreign land and no matter what I do, it doesnt seem quite right. All I can think about is how I STILL long to hold Faith in my arms... to love her... to be by her and I wonder, how long will it take to get past this yearning and pain.?And I think the answer may be: a lifetime. But in the meantime how do I go on with a fake smile on my face and attempting to fit in with society in a way I feel I no longer can? And I desperately yearn to fit in, to be redeemed from the status of an outcast..... and I dont know how to do it.I faced so many people today and I knew that each of them knew about Faith's death, that I had been pregnant before I left and returned with no baby to show.The people that did talk to me did try to be so nice. They commented on how pretty my blouse was or how much they loved my new haircut - how they were glad to have me back. I know that each of the people that talked to me wanted to know how I was, to reach out to me, and this was the only things they could find to say. But no one asked me about my daughter. No one wanted to upset me by bringing her up. How I longed to talk about her. I waited for someone to ask what she looked like, what was she like? I knew no one would out of respect for me... but I couldnt help yearning. I hope this will get better soon.It has been 8 weeks and I still dont know what to do with these overwelming desires to care for Faith. I love and miss her as much today as I have everyday. The pain is not yelding, it is not lessening... I am just getting better at hiding it and pushing through it for awhile.I dont know what to do with myself and this ache in my chest. Please pray for me. I am able to go longer times without breaking down and have longer stretches of stability and feeling okay, but when the grief and sadness cycle back again, it seems so much harder.I know that God is there and will help to carry me through this time as long as I reach out, and I am trying to reach out. I have faith in Him that I will be carried through. My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness 2 corinthians 12:9
God, may this time of weakness and brokenness in my life be used to your glory. May your power and might shine through this dark cloud in the horizon, may your glorious ways be revealed even in my grief. Lord, I believe that your grace is sufficient to sustain me.