The Specialist- Faith's Story Part II

We went to see the Specialist on March 26th. We had to wait 2 weeks from the initial call from Dr Smithton becuase the specialist didnt have any available appointments. I even called around to several other specialists to see if ANYONE could fit us in. After what seemed like an eternity, we went in on March 26th. Little would I know that this short 2 week wait would seem so very little compared to the waiting ahead. Cliff's parents came with us to the first appointment with the specialist and this started a trend. From this point on they were by our sides and at every appointment for the rest of the baby's life. We started the appointment with Dr. Elimian by having the best ultrasound ever. The technician was highly skilled and looked at every part of the baby. He confirmed that we were having a girl( although he also said it was hard to tell) and he showed us the giant "O"( this is what we began to refer to the Omphalocele as) Dr Elimian strongly encouraged an amnio becuase there was a 33% chance that our baby girl had a chromosome disorder. He did it right there on the the spot and they inserted a giant needle into my belly while he watched on ultrasound to make sure he didnt hit the baby. She did a funny thing as we watched the ultrasound. She swam over to where the needle had been inserted and put her hand up to the hole to feel for what had come in. I knew she was a smart little girl from the very start!Dr Elimian scheduled us for a follow up the day after Easter- 2 weeks away. We were told the amnio results could take 2 weeks to come back or they could be back sooner but we would go over them at the next appt. We went home with our hopes high and started another wait. I researched Omphalocele's as much as I could to prepare for the next visit and to decide on treatment for our baby girl. I learned that if she had chromosome problems she could have a severe type of trisomy such as trisomy 18 or 13. The majority of sites I visited assured that a baby that had this would be born severely mentally retarded and severely physically disabled. The sites said the baby would most likely die within a year. During this time Cliff asked if we could name our little girl Faith. "WE will need great faith to get through this" He said. I agreed. Our baby had a name.On the Friday before Easter I was off work. Ethan was staying with Mimi and Papa and I was beside myself wondering about Faith. It had been almost 2 weeks and the results werent in. I decided to call the genetics lab. They had to look around for her results and said they would call back. They called back a little while later. They told me Faith did test positive for a Trisomy. 13 but the cells were mosaic. Again I was in shock and didnt know what that meant. I wrote it all down. The genetic counselor asked what I was thinking? "How are you feeling? What are your questions" and talked in a very soothing and soft voice. I just repeated what he had told me about the test results and got off the phone. I got online to look up Mosaic Trisomy 13. I was shocked. I called Cliff crying at work and asked him to come home. He asked me why and I told him the initial results. He drove home in a wild state I am certain. We began to research Faith's condition. It was scary. As sites predicted mental retardation, possible miscarraige at anytime. Less than a month of life was projected outside the womb. We found one site that gave a ray of hope. www.livingwithtrisomy13.org There were children that were living with Trisomy 13. Children that went to school. Some children that danced and played sports. We printed off everything we had and decided to go home to Cliff's parents for Easter. We prepared as much data as we could to share with them. The drive to Elgin was long. The weekend was long. Everyone tried to remain in high spirits but it was difficult. I had to go off to myself several times to cry. I didnt know how we could make it. I didnt know how we could do it. I began to pray earnestly. Faith was now kicking and moving and with each Kick I held her so tightly in my stomach. "stay strong" I whispered. "I love you!"On Monday we went to the specialist with Cliff's parents. He went over the results with us and advised that we could still terminate the pregnancy. He said that due to her condition she was not going to be viable with life. I pulled out the papers from the website. I told him she could live. This was the closest I came to having an outright arguement with a medical professional. He left to have the nurse check my stats and came back in. He said he just wanted to be sure that we wanted to continue with the pregnancy considering the odds. That after 24 weeks we couldnt change our mind. Cliff and I reassured him that we would not be changing our minds. We will carry her as long as God allows!

The Beginning- Faith's story

The story of Faith starts back in a cold November of 2006. Thanksgiving had passed along with the big bedlam game. I became very dizzy one day at work. I thought I was going to pass out. I thought maybe its becuase I forgot to eat and one of my co-workers had to drive me to pick up some food. As I sat nibbling that meal( it was Taco Bell if you were wondering) the first seeds of wonder sprouted in my mind that I might be pregnant. It had been awhile since we had tried to prevent having a baby so it really could happen at any time. That night as I drove home from work I stopped and picked up a pregnancy test. I couldnt believe it when the stick showed 2 lines!!! I ran downstairs to tell Cliff and we were so excited! A sibling for Ethan! Another little blessing! I apologized to Cliff for not having a more clever presentation. He suggested I do a broadway song and dance so I left the room, came back in and preformed a song and dance routine. We laughed and hugged and all was right with the world!!We called all of our family to tell them and they laughed with us at the thought of a new child coming into our home..... and the thought of Ethan playing the role of big brother.......From the beginning I hoped it was a girl! I asked God for a little girl to dote on and dress up and to share mommy daughter things with.During the pregnancy I felt good although always tired. Faith was slow to grow- but Ethan had been a little baby too so I wasnt surprised. I didnt suffer much more than occasional nausea. We waited until March for the ultrasound to see our little one. The technician took a long time and couldn't confirm if you were a girl or boy. Although she guessed at a girl. We took your pictures home and were elated to have so many litte snapshots of the baby in utero. It was tiny- about a week behind in growth so I thought maybe we were wrong about our dates.... It seems like Ethan had been a little bit behind as well...........It was the phone call I recieved 2 days later that changed EVERYTHING.I remember it like it was yesterday. I was in Oklahoma City preparing to teach a class and saw that I had missed a call from the Doctor's office. Dr Smithton himself called to tell me he needed to discuss the ultrasound. My heart fell. I called back to learn he was with a patient and waited in the kitchen of the office for the call to come in. When he called he told me that there was a problem detected on the ultrasound. I didnt understand what he was trying to say becuase I was in shock but I wrote down everything I could that he said so I could research it. He said that the baby had gastrochisis or an omphalocele- a condition were part of Faith's organs were outside her body. He said it may not be as serious as it sounds but had us set up to see a Specialist in Oklahoma city at the end of the month. I hung up the phone and began to cry. My baby! My sweetest little one! I texted my boss and asked to go home. That something was wrong with the baby and I needed to take a personal day. The people that worked at the business office asked me if I was okay " whats wrong?" They asked. and I told them something was wrong with the baby. I drove home. I dont remember when I called Cliff or how I told him. I remember getting on the internet and reading every thing I could about the conditions..... I never believed that what we were about to find out in the coming weeks could ever happen to us.........

Never

There will never be....
enough kisses to give
enough pictures to see
enough memories to cherish
enough times to hold you
enough days to know you
enough lullybyes to sing
enough tears to cry
Never.

Another Child

Another Child,
Does not replace the one that was lost,
Another Child,
is not a salve to cure the wounds of grief,
Another Child,
is not an eraser to wipe the past away.
Another Child,
is a gift of love,that will help to fill the mothers heart,
that is full of love for her children but big enough to love a hundred more.
Another Child,
is a gift of joy,that will help to fill a father's arms,that are strong enough to hold each of his children in his warm embrace.

Time

You have made my days a mere handbreadth;

the span of my years is as nothing before you.

Each man's life is but a breath. Psalms 34:5

Faith,
It has been 155 days since you were here with us. That is 17 times the length of your life on earth. Your life was but a short breath. I think about the days of your life in terms of other events. It is now only 11 days to Christmas. This is 2 days more than the length of your life here with us. I am so thankful for the days we had, but I wish they had been so many more!!! I remind myself now as I grow impatient for things to come around how short the wait really is. Each day is so precious. Each day counts. As I was thinking this week how much I wanted the days to just roll by so I could rest, I realized how much I might be missing. The here and now, today, is just as important as yesterday and tommorrow. Although, the here and now would be so much better with you in it.9 days. It is but a handsbreath. I wish I had 9000 days of you!Mommy

Just a Moment Please.......

For a moment our ears rang with the music of your kitten cries.
Our eyes gazed briefly at the waves of your copper infant tresses.
For a moment we felt your baby softskin,
warm against our hands embrace.
We breathed in deeplyyour sweet baby scent.
For a moment we held youtightly in our arms;
as your breathing slowed,your body went limp-
and you were gone in only a moment.
For a moment only we had you and held you.
It only took a moment to create a lifetime of love.
That moment was priceless.

In Memorandum Faith Constance CarlsonJuly 3 to July 12 2007
5 months is too long baby girl!!!!!!!!!!!!

Five Months Now

Dear Darling Faith,

Today, December 3rd will mark 5 months since your birth. I often wonder what you would be like at five months old. I have stopped trying to imagine a 5 month old you with T13, but imagine if you were here with us and healthy. I would be watching you dribble baby food out of your mouth and make a mess every night at dinner. I bet you would be sleeping through the night and excercising your little heart out in a exersaucer or activity seat. But you are not here with me in body so I think what this holiday will be like without you. We have a little pink tree in the corner of the living room decorated for you. Ethan helped me put up the ornaments and helps to plug it in every night. We put up our stockings..... four in a row, and yours is a satin pink one on the end with a rose on the cuff. On Christmas we will light a special candle for you and share our memories and thoughts of you and how wonderful you are. I wonder what Christmas will be like in Heaven? I bet you will have so much fun! Playing and laughing and celebrating! I bet the lights are amazing and will top any display we have here....... not to mention you must have the tastiest hot cocoa and cookies ...... I try to imagine but I can only imagine dear one.Things are beginning to move so quickly here. Ethan still talks about you everday. He really really misses you and told me today he wished he could hold you. I told him I want to hold you too, but he can pretend and thats okay. We talk about the new baby too....... I tell him it is a gift hand picked by you. He said if its a girl we should name it Faith, but I told him that is your name only and this baby will have its own name..... maybe you could send me a suggestion in my dreams? I still long to dream of you every night as I lay down my head. I love you and miss you and long for the day that we can be together again!

Sweet Dreams!
Mommy

Confessions and Thoughts

I just finished a deep conversation with a friend that has spurred many thoughts and built upon others....
Guilt can be such a tricky thing. A friend and I were in deep conversation tonight and it spurred an entire conversation( which has been an ongoing conversation over the last few months) about guilt and its purpose. Maybe you are the kind of person that can easily place guilt and blame on your surroundings- other people- other things- but never you.... or perhaps you are one of the truly clairvoyant who can place guilt and blame upon its rightful owner at every turn... sometimes its you, sometimes its another, sometimes it just an odd set of coincidences. But you know where the truth lies, you accept it and move on..............Or perhaps you are like me. The kind of person that puts the weight of every interaction on your shoulders. It is my fault that so-in-so is unhappy. I havent been a good friend, I havent been a good wife, I am not a good mom. I yell too much, I dont call my friends enough, I dont work hard enough when I am at the office..... and so on and so forth.As a strength, those that tend to place guilt upon themselves in this fashion tend to be uber responsible for the things that are placed in their lives ... this may not be seen from an outward persepective... but it is an internal responsibility and attachment that is felt. But in weakeness, guilt can reck havoc on our physical, mental, and spiritual well being. In the most recent months I have felt extreme guilt and worry about Faith and why she died. And in my mind I know that I was not responsible for her death... but that doesnt stop me from thinking about and conjuring up every possible thing that I could have done or could not have done to make me responsible for her death. I have been through both physical, emotional, and spiritual reasons that I feel could have lead to the turn of events we have recently gone through. It is probably one of the most overwelming feelings and roadblocks that God is working on in my life right now. It is something I seek God's face for a lot. It is something that at times puts me to sleep with tears, makes me physically ill with worry, and overshadows the best of my days with darkness. Guilt can be a tricky thing...

November 12 2007- Four Months

Dearest Faith,
Today it has been 4 months since you departed this earth. I have thought so much today of the many things you taught me in your short stay here and how you have changed my life. Always before me in every action or deed I now have a deep and overwelming motivation to give of myself completely and whole heartedly. You taught me that. I watched you struggle and fight for life every moment that you were here. You gave every once of your strength to live and BREATHE! There have been moments in my sorrow that I thought to hold back my heart or dare not to hope for things to come becuase I was afraid that my hopes would fall. Dearest Daughter you taught me that hopes always go up, but do not always come down... and weither I hold back or passionately embrace each day, life still moves forward, joys and sorrows still come, and with God's compassion and strength I can continue on.I used to think sweet girl, that it was cowardly to fear. You have taught me that fears may be always there, but the important thing is to stand up and face my fears. I will go through my life looking my fears in the face. God has used your life to show me that even in the darkest of times He is ever with me and before me, guiding me with His right hand.It is my hope that someday I will be as brave and passionate and fierce as you were in your 9 days here. I can't wait to see you again! I miss you so!I will continue to breathe deeply!
Love,Mommy

Beauty

I wrote a post earlier this summer about the beauty God places around us. My son has taken to describing many things that he sees( even a wooden desk that we brought home today!) as beautiful. Sometimes they are not things I might think of as anything more than ordinary, but perhaps my son sees the world through untarnished eyes and is able to delight in the many things I neglect from day to day. Maybe he has finally found a word to articulate all the wonderful things that are around us each day that I have learned to overlook as I rush on by. I thought about this as we drove out to dinner in the early evening. We had the windows rolled half way down and the warm afternoon sun had cleared away the early morning dew. As autumn is my favorite time of year, I closed my eyes for a moment and let the suns heat rest on my face while I took a deep breath in of that cool, crisp autumn air. Something about breathing that sweet cold air into my lungs makes me feel like an athlete waiting for the start of the game. I have endurance ready and rearing in my heels, joyful anticipation beating in my heart, and muscles ready to spring into action. It motivates me. It centers me. And most of all it makes me feel like I am coming to life....... It is a beautiful feelingAs I have said before, there is beauty and life all around us. All we have to do is take a deep breath and breathe it in.So breathe deeply!

New Normal

new normal
This was recently posted on a message board I am a part of and I decided to post it here.
From the heart of a bereaved Mother...
This is now what "normal"is...
Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someoneimportant is missing from all the important events in yourfamily's life.

Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery foBirthdays Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentine's Day, July 4th andEaster.

Normal is feeling like you know how to act and are more comfortable with a funeral than a wedding or birthday party...yet feeling a stab of pain in your heart when you smell the flowers and see the casket.

Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute withoutgetting up and screaming, because you just don't like to sit through anything.
Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly.
Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes andmind, holding your head to make it go away.
Normal is having the TV on the minute I walk into the house tohave noise, because the silence is deafening.
Normal is staring at every baby who looks like he is my baby'sage. And then thinking of the age she would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it willnever happen.
Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.
Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday,commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyesat how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part ofmy "normal".
Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and her birthday and survive these days. And trying to find the balloon or flag that fit's the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really.
Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight ofsomething special my baby loved. Thinking how she would love it, but how she is nothere to enjoy it.
Normal is having some people afraid to mention my baby.
Normal is making sure that others remember her.
Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on withtheir lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.
Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, thegrieving gets worse sometimes, not better.
Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their lifeto this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if yourchild is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare. Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.
Normal is disliking jokes about death or funerals, bodies beingreferred to as cadavers, when you know they were once someone's loved one.
Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, butsomeone stricken with grief over the loss of your child. Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feelwith chat buddies who have also lost a child.
Normal is feeling a common bond with friends on the computer inEngland, Australia, Canada, the Netherlands and all over the USA, but yetnever having met any of them face to face.
Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talkingand crying together over our children and our new lives.
Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleanedthe house, did laundry or if there is any food.
Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say youhave three children or two, because you will never see this person again andit is not worth explaining that my baby is in heaven. And yet when you sayyou have two children to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if youhave betrayed your baby.
Normal is avoiding McDonald's and Burger King playgrounds because of small, happy children that break your heart when you see them.
Normal is asking God why he took your child's life instead of yours .
Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or amillion years. And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that havebecome "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that youare "normal".

author unknown

3 months!

My sweet girl,
It is hard to believe three months have passed since the day you made your stunning debut. You were heaven sent and to heaven returned, a gift given to us to enjoy for a short while.Oh blessed child shroud in angels attire, the days were too few but so sweet. I think of you so often still and long for those days gone by. If you cannot return to me, someday I shall go to you, to sit with you on high. And we shall laugh and carry on and I will hold you in my arms. Until that day I will think of you and hold your memories most dear. As I lay my head down to sleep tonight my one hope is that we will meet again in my dreams.I love you darling. Sweet Dreams Tonight.

Always and Forever,Your Mommy

whats next?

As a parent we desire to take all of our childrens hurts and wipe them away.... to fix what ails them, to nurse them through sickness. It starts from the day they are born, changing dirty diapers, rocking them when they cry. It is a hug and a kiss for the first time they bump their head as they are learning to walk. A bandaid on their first skinned knee. We read them a ton of books or bring them a bowl of ice cream when they are sick in bed, or lay beside them patting their back as they drift off to sleep. It is a comforting word and an encouragement the first time they get called a name in school. Or maybe its financial help and a place to stay when they get into trouble as a teen or adult.Maybe for some it comes in the form of sitting beside them for hours on end as they recover from a nasty break or illness, or making difficult decisions in their medical care becuase we want to give them every chance there is without allowing them to suffer too much.But what happens when it isnt enough? When there comes the point as a parent that we can do no more? What happens when a kiss and a hug, a bowl of ice cream, or all the medical care in the world can't take away the pain for our loved one? What do we do next when there is no action in the world that we can take to save a life? The life of our child? What comes next? What do we do as parents if the time comes for us to say good-bye? And what do we do when that time has past, and our child is gone, with the feelings we still have to fix their hurts?
Dear Lord, I think so often of Mary as she watched her son suffering on the cross. I understand her great sorrow in watching her son drift away before her eyes. I dont know what to do with all of these desires I have to care for Faith. I continually wonder if there was anything more I could do for her. Lord I know that your ways are just, that you are a caring and compassionate God. I know I may never know why Faith couldnt be healed but the hurt is there none the less. God please help to heal my broken heart. Give me solace in the shelter of your arms.

Graduation

Dearest Daughter,
Your dad and I finally ordered prints of all your photos this weekend. I was surprised and happy to see that we had over 300 shots of you. Of course, many of these are under the billi lights, and all of them before your death are in your special incubator, but I cherish them none the less. There were so many little things I forgot, and that made me sad. Did you know we got to watch you graduate? In the Nicu your nurses rolled tiny strips of gauze into teeny tiny 'diplomas' and placed one in each of your curled fists for you to hold on to. You looked so sweet holding your baby diplomas in each hand. It signified to me that you had graduated into life. I was so proud! They also rolled a baby recieving blanket into a bed buddy for you and you would cuddle it all day long. They would wrap your little arms and legs around it to help comfort you as you lay in your little cocoon. Your hands were so small, daddy could barely get all of your fingers to curl around just one of his. You always seemed to hold tight when he reached in. I am so sad that I never got to hold you in my arms until you were already slipping away- but do you remember when I would "cuddle" you with my hands? I would sing lullabye after lullabye as I held my hands around you. I remember how it felt to hold my hands to your warm little body and breathe in your baby smell. The nurses were so kind and gentle with you. They let me help as much as possible in your care. I got to change your wee little diapers and take your temperature.I have a picture of me holding up one of your diapers. It is SO tiny in the photo, but on you it was so BIG! What a tiny thing you were! Oh how I miss you Faith! Daddy and Big Brother do too! Ethan tells us everyday that he misses you. He loves to visit your grave and leave flowers and gifts for you.Today he asked to lay in your crib. He just rested there for awhile, looking at your baby mouse. He insisted on using your baby pillow instead of the big one I put in there for his head to rest upon. Lots of hugs and kisses! And many sweet lullabyes! I will go to sleep thinking of you and hoping that we can meet again in my dreams. I love you!

Always and Forever,
Mommy

Miracle

Dear Faith,
What a day! Everything seemed so topsy turvy and it felt like I couldnt quite get anything right. In my angst( another word I have borrowed from your dear Aunt Fawn) I thought of the moment of your birth. I remember so clearly the feelings of fear and hope that I would get to meet you. As the days drew closer to your birth, I knew that each day that passed brought another chance that I would not meet you. The odds were great that you would die in utero, and as time stretched on the odds were stacking against you. I tried and tried to brace myself for your arrival. Tried not to get my hopes up that I would hear you cry. This of course I have learned is an uncontrolable thing- hopes always go up :) But they do not always get let down. It took a few minutes after birth, but you were crying and breathing! Miracle of miracles! Baby Girl you lived for 9 days! Precious days that didnt last long enough! I am so thankful for you! What a gift the Lord has given me in you! I would not trade those days for anything except more days with you!I miss you!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mommy

infinitesimal

Life is but a breathe.Life is short. I am changing that saying - it is now, Life is infinitesimal.


in·fin·i·tes·i·mal /??nf?n?--t?s?m?l/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[in-fin-i-tes-uh-muhl] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–adjective
..>
1.
indefinitely or exceedingly small; minute: infinitesimal vessels in the circulatory system. ..>
..>
2.
immeasurably small; less than an assignable quantity: to an infinitesimal degree

2nd Month Birthday

My Dearest Faith,
We are at the dawn of your 2 month birthday. I still think of you everyday, all day. It is hard to believe that it has been 2 months since the day we welcomed you into this big wide world, one of the most precious and cherished days of my life. In fact, the 9 days we had with you are the happiest and saddest days of my life. It makes me sad as each day passes that I am moving another day farther from the time I got to hold you in my arms, and yet, I am stepping one day closer to the day when I will be reunited with you in Heaven. How is that for bittersweet?I met another little girl today with your name. It made me wonder what you would have been like when you reached the age of 8, just as she was. You are and forever will be a great mystery dear daughter. I sometimes grow angry that I will never get to know the deep turns and folds of your personality, never get to watch you grow older, never get to brush your hair, to laugh and play games- just as I do with your older brother Ethan. But that list of wishes and wants for you is endless and will always be left unquenched and wanting.Your brother talks about you everyday. He still asks to see you and he delights in visiting 'your spot' in the cemetary. He loves to bring flowers to place there and likes to play with all of your little girl and angel figurines. Just yesterday he dug through his toys and set up a Giraffe family with his plastic figurines. We were all there( mommy, daddy, ethan- in giraffe form of course) and he even sent Grandma digging for the tiny baby one - "for Fabe" as he calls you. His acknowledgement and acceptance of you into our family both soothes and breaks my heart. It soothes me becuase you so obviously belong there and I dont want your place ever forgotten, but it breaks my heart because he never got time to know you. He just has so much love for you.Your daddy and I talk about you everyday too. You are never far from our thoughts. We talk about the ways that your presence in our life has changed us and how much you have inspired us to be better people and to make a difference. Did you know your life has given us so much hope and strength for each day we will face and the people we can choose to be? I still cry out for you. I hope you hear and know how very much I love you so.You are such a blessing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Always,Mommy
HAPPY 2 MONTH BIRTHDAY FAITH!!!!!!!!!!!!

day at a time?

I returned to work this week and started today with a meeting with about 50 of my peers. I knew returning to work would be difficult but was unsure how it would effect me. I had no idea how hard it would be to put on a brave face for a full day. I was so drained by the end of the meeting I was fighting with each breath that I breathed in and out to hold back the tears. I was exhausted. The room was so noisy and full of life at the meeting- and all I could think about was how much I missed my daughter and that I did not belong in a room so full of happiness and activity. I want desperately for my broken heart to be unbroken, to be carefree, so desperately I want to fit in with those around me but it is as if I am a stranger in a foreign land and no matter what I do, it doesnt seem quite right. All I can think about is how I STILL long to hold Faith in my arms... to love her... to be by her and I wonder, how long will it take to get past this yearning and pain.?And I think the answer may be: a lifetime. But in the meantime how do I go on with a fake smile on my face and attempting to fit in with society in a way I feel I no longer can? And I desperately yearn to fit in, to be redeemed from the status of an outcast..... and I dont know how to do it.I faced so many people today and I knew that each of them knew about Faith's death, that I had been pregnant before I left and returned with no baby to show.The people that did talk to me did try to be so nice. They commented on how pretty my blouse was or how much they loved my new haircut - how they were glad to have me back. I know that each of the people that talked to me wanted to know how I was, to reach out to me, and this was the only things they could find to say. But no one asked me about my daughter. No one wanted to upset me by bringing her up. How I longed to talk about her. I waited for someone to ask what she looked like, what was she like? I knew no one would out of respect for me... but I couldnt help yearning. I hope this will get better soon.It has been 8 weeks and I still dont know what to do with these overwelming desires to care for Faith. I love and miss her as much today as I have everyday. The pain is not yelding, it is not lessening... I am just getting better at hiding it and pushing through it for awhile.I dont know what to do with myself and this ache in my chest. Please pray for me. I am able to go longer times without breaking down and have longer stretches of stability and feeling okay, but when the grief and sadness cycle back again, it seems so much harder.I know that God is there and will help to carry me through this time as long as I reach out, and I am trying to reach out. I have faith in Him that I will be carried through. My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness 2 corinthians 12:9
God, may this time of weakness and brokenness in my life be used to your glory. May your power and might shine through this dark cloud in the horizon, may your glorious ways be revealed even in my grief. Lord, I believe that your grace is sufficient to sustain me.

August 10 2007- To Daughter

Dearest Faith,
Sunday will be one month since your death. You died in our arms, did you know? Your body seemed so tired in the day leading to your death. I remember saying something to your dad about how tired you were, how still you were in sleep. Did you know my heart was breaking that day? It was so heavy in my chest. I wondered that morning how I could go on watching your body suffer so. My heart was breaking bit by bit and I didnt know how many more days I could sit by. I was thinking just that thought when the call came in. It happened just after lunch. I remember running to the elevators to come upstairs to you, my heart was pounding, and I knew, this was the moment we feared. Your body was just too tired.Daddy and I took turns holding you as you died. Your face lost its redness and went from a lively red to pale white, then to blue. We talked to you and told you how much we loved you, that it was okay to let go. That we knew how tired your body was. You were prounounced dead at 2:38 PM on July the 12th.I don't know what to do with myself now that you are gone. I lie awake at night wondering about you, about what our life would be like with you here. We are planning a memorial garden for you. We will plant pansies for remembrance and Lamb's ears for healing. I like to think of you all healed and I try to imagine what your little body looks like now. No more pain and sorrow for my little girl- so why is it so hard for me here now?I am so sad for all the things we wont share. Hugs and songs, and watching you grow. Laughs with your silly big brother.I hope you know how much I love you. Oh how I miss you!!!! My heart breaks with missing you!
XXOO
Love, Mommy

Do Not Hibernate through Winter

Please, Do not try to pull me into the land of the living.
Let me lie down here on this dry and dusty ground of death.
Let me winter through this season, but do not leave me so;
Sit down with me in this cold and barren land.
Let's sit a while and look at the empty plains,
and then together we can marvel at the beautiful frailty of spring blooms as they arrive.
And sit with me too as we watch summer turn to autumn,
and we enter to winter once again.
The earth will continue spinning and the seasons will continue to change,
and you will see why we cannot live only for the spring.

1 month birthday

My Sweet One,
We came upon your one month birthday on Friday. Although you are not here, we celebrated anyways. We had a special dinner that evening, and Grandma and Emily were there to eat with us. Grandma, Ethan, Daddy, and I went to your grave and brought blush roses to make it pretty. We ended the day with an ice cream cake and went off to sleep with thoughts of you in our heads and great love for you in our hearts. I find myself wondering what you would be doing if you had made it to one month of age. It hurts to think about those things but for some reason I just can't seem to stop. Do you know how much I miss you?Saturday we recieved sad news. Your cousin, Little Dustin, died. His mom and daddy are so sad and we are so sad for them. Please keep Little Dustin company until the day he gets to see his mommy and daddy again, okay sweethart? He is such a little baby, just like you. I long to see you so much and just hold you one more time. I love you, dear one. All my heart,
mommy

Laughter and Tears

Today was a good day.
Today I made a trek to the city to meet a friend for dinner and shop a bit for myself. I am finding my solitary time very lonely and try to fill up my time as much as I can. As I strolled through the mall I was deeply saddened by a small statue of a mom and a baby at the Hallmark store, by the children skipping by the fountain, and all the noise and hustle and bustle around me. As I walked through the mall I wondered at how life changes so fast. I wondered how I could go on each day with such a hole in my heart- and yet my heart is still beating. I marveled at the people around me and wondered who in my midst had sorrow pulsing through their veins, pulsing like a ragging river just as mine did, but who were equally successful at hiding it. My heart hurt for my absent daughter and it hurt for those around me that may be hurting too. I thought How hard life can be! Why is it so hard?Just when the burden grows so heavy that we can't seem to take anymore, God is faithful to step in and keep our foot from faltering and to help us carry the load. He is the ultimate shelter from this storm of life. As I continued through the mall God brought an old friend into my path. How she, with a busy 1 year old, job, and home to run, and I , who have gone to a mall 2 times in the last 3 months, happened to be in the same place at the same time in a big city with many malls, truly an act of God. Her presence brought joy to my heart. We talked only a few minutes but it was enough to lift my spirit- to turn my thoughts outward to those I care about instead of inward on all my sorrow.Following my time at the mall I met my oldest and dearest friend for dinner. I was able to be confortable in my own skin for the first time in many weeks in such a public place. We fell so easily into an old routine (that goes back years) and laughed and cut up until we were either about to cry or wet our pants from laughing so hard.I am thankful to God that my days are not only dark. That amongst my sorrow there can be joy...... amonst my tears there is still laughter.
Thank you God. Thank you for my daily breath of life! May I forge through even the darkest days so that I may glimpse the shining sun. May I give each day my all just as my sweet daughter gave hers for every day of her life.Your compassions are new each morning! Your compassions never fail............

4 weeks

Dear Daughter,
Today you would be 4 weeks old. I can't believe its been 4 weeks since your birth and now over 2 weeks since we said goodbye. I think about you everyday and the pain doesn't seem to get any better. It seems to grow each day I have been seperated from you. I know you are in a better place Baby Girl, and you don't have any pain there. You had such a painful time on earth and such a long road to travel in your poor sick body....... so I find peace when I think about you with a new body, up in heaven, singing your heart out to God..... but it doesnt make me miss you any less....... in fact I think it makes me love you more. I know that life is short for each one of us, a mere breath to God.... but I can't get over how quickly you came and went.I think about what it will be like to see you in heaven, and wonder if I will get to hold you again in my arms. I know there are no tears in heaven dear daughter, but I think I would cry tears of joy.I love you so much baby girl! Happy four week birthday sweet one!
Love,Mommy
PS someone came today and placed 7 pink roses on your grave.... I dont know who it was, but I know they were thinking of you!

The Cemetary At Night

We have a nightly ritual of visiting the cemetary each evening. Most of the time Ethan tags along, and sometimes my mom, or Cliff's parents, and Emily came with her kids just a few nights ago. It is a way to honor the memory of Faith, to show significance to her life and a way in which we can grieve for her. Tonight we got home late from the store and Cliff and I went alone while my mom watched Ethan.It was Dusk when we pulled in and as we looked across the cemetary there were fireflies across the fields swirling about. I could hear the locusts and crickets calling outside my window. There were no other visitors in sight and as we slowly drove down the cemetary drive the sweet smell of dusktime air rolled in the window. It was already dark enough out that the solar powered ground ornaments were brightly shining on one tombstone. We parked at the very back of the cemetary under the same group of trees that we always do. As I got out of the truck I saw something moving in the front field of the cemetary, weaving its way among headstones. I stared hard for a moment and saw that it was a Doe gracefully making her way through the cemetary. She was very big, over six feet in height.I pointed her out to Cliff and we watched for a moment and then hand in hand we walked slowly in her direction. She saw us coming her way and changed directions to head toward the woods in the back of the cemetary. We stopped as we came even with her across the field and stared at her graceful beauty. She stopped and stared back and we stood like that for some time gazing across at each other. Finally the deer wondered out of sight into the trees.It was a strange yet very peaceful moment. Sometimes the places we are in life feel very solitary. But God has a way of reminding us we are not alone in unexpected ways and unexpected places. A cemetary is one of the most solitary places I could think to go. It is a place that is full of rest, quietly sleeping. A place of sorrow, honor, death. Tonight, the cemetary was full of life. It was around me in the form of nightbugs chirping, fireflies dancing through the air, a Doe strolling among the granite headstones.......God is everywhere and connected in all things... even the cemetary at night.
Thank you God for being ever before and behind me, for being with me in the midst of my sorrow. For caring for me so deeply and for always being there.

2 weeks

Dearest Daughter,
It has been 2 weeks today since your death dear daughter and the pain is not any lighter. As we approach the hour of your death I cannot help but think of you. In fact, I think of you each and every day, all day, and I cannot imagine life without you, and yet I live it each day.I feel like there is an imaginary string that attaches my heart to yours, a heartstring. I feel so close to you and yet feel so far apart. I whisper words to you into the air, and they fall to earth becuase you are not here with me. I feel like I couldnt do enough for you, and the burden and longing in my heart to carry on caring for you, it is still there and buring ever so brightly and deeply. I dont know what to do with those feelings- the longings to be your mommy and love you and hold you and care for your every need. I want to share you with everyone I meet- to shout out what a beautiful daughter I have. But this pride of parenthood dies on my lips becuase it makes everyone so sad to hear about you.I dont know what to do, child of mine, to extinguish this burning in my gut........I just know I miss you ever so much.I love you dear daughter, and I hope you knew in your days here, just what you mean to me. I hope we had time enough together that I could show you that you are the apple of my eye, the joy of my heart, and I hope you knew I would have cared for you forever, regardless of condition or struggles or needs. I would have given up everything I have to care for you. I miss you, Baby Girl.
Love,
Mommy

To those who wrote us!- Keep Writing!

To all of you who wrote, emailed, commented, called, visited, etc!

I just wanted to take a moment to express to each of you our gratitude for your personal contact. In whatever form you chose to reach out to us, it has been a lifeline. Each condolance and encouragement we have recieved has been a steady pulse of strength. Each day we recieve new emails, calls,comments, or cards in the mail( and still somedays more flowers!) and we look forward to those things as bright spots in the day. I will not lie and say that the days are not difficult, and some consuming us with grief, but the support that we get from those around us is what spurs us on and gets us through the darkest moments.I know it cannot always be easy to reach out, and many of you have said you dont know what to say to ease our pain. But know that whatever words you choose to express, the words don't matter as much as the fact that you are helping us to shoulder this grief. I honestly cannot thank you enough for caring and for showing God's love to us in this amazing way. I don't know how we could get through the days without it.
THANK YOU!

7 Days

Today is the seventh day since Faith died. It was a painfully slow day. I think all day of Faith and the loss of her. There is such an ache and hollowness within my chest- but still I go on breathing, living, being.Even close friends and family are tender to approach me or call. It is obvious they dont know the words to say, and conversations are awkward. I seem to be absent in even the simplist conversations, at a loss for words, or what to say, and I struggle to make my mind move fast enough to keep up with the flow of conversation, or to think what I should say next. The pain is so obvious in the eyes of those I converse with, as they see my grief overshadow me. They fight so hard to find a way to soothe the ache, to help me, to comfort me and in return I struggle to ease their minds, to find ways to let them know- I will be okay, I will push forward, but I know it is such a long a weary road to go........ and that the days may get harder before they get brighter. And I also know that I am a different person, that I will never be the same and the loss that I feel will always be ever before me- just beneath my breastbone, a dull ache that beats in time with my heart.It is during this emmense loss of life that I realize how lifechanging it is to lose a loved one, and it makes my heart hurt for those around me who have suffered a loss of someone so close, and my heart also hurts for those I love that will experience loss someday- it is a part of life.Faith is ever before me, her soft baby scent, her warm little body that would relax into my touch, her fuzzy red hair as soft as silk. It all lingers around me as I move through the day and I feel as if I am a shadow of myself.My heart aches for Cliff as I watch his grief mirror my own. I mourn for Ethan who will never have the love and playfulness that flows from brother to sister. I mourn for our parents who watch us with their own hearts in their eyes- who have said they wish they could bear this road for us.I would not have anyone to bear this road for me. She is my daughter and I hold fast to every memory of her- and every would be memory that we never got to make. When I carried her so cautiously in my womb....... each day seemed to move so slowly, and time seemed to stand on its end, but now- it seems that time moved to fast and the days were way to short that I got to see her and hold her.... and I can never go back.

Funeral Monday

The Funeral Service for Faith will be at 2 PM on Monday at the Lifechurch in Stillwater Oklahoma.This will be followed by a graveside procession.Anyone who would like to attend to celebrate her life and significance is welcome.

Faith Constance Carlson

Faith died yesterday afternoon, Thursday Juy 12th.She had done so well the previous 2 days and her body just grew tired. No matter what the hospital did, her body was just too tired and she couldnt do it anymore.She was a very strong fighter. We are so proud and fortunate to have had her nine days. I will post more later as I have more details as to a service and such.We thank you for your prayers and encouragement. We need them very much.
Micayla

This is the Day

This is the day
I awoke this morning with the words of a song ringing through my head. The verses were in spanish so I had to take a minute to translate them to remember what song it was.Pardon my spelling, it is a song I learned about 8 years ago in spanish, so the spelling may be bad.
Este es el DiaEste es el DiaQ izo el SenorQ izo el SenorNosgazaramosNosgazaramose ellegramos en ele ellegramos en el
Loosely this translates to :
This is the dayThis is the dayThat the Lord has madeThat the Lord has madeI will rejoice and be glad in itand be glad in it.
We are leaving now in about 15 minutes to go get ready for Faith's arrival- today I meet my daughter!Just had to share the sweet words that God gave me this morning...>