August 10 2007- To Daughter

Dearest Faith,
Sunday will be one month since your death. You died in our arms, did you know? Your body seemed so tired in the day leading to your death. I remember saying something to your dad about how tired you were, how still you were in sleep. Did you know my heart was breaking that day? It was so heavy in my chest. I wondered that morning how I could go on watching your body suffer so. My heart was breaking bit by bit and I didnt know how many more days I could sit by. I was thinking just that thought when the call came in. It happened just after lunch. I remember running to the elevators to come upstairs to you, my heart was pounding, and I knew, this was the moment we feared. Your body was just too tired.Daddy and I took turns holding you as you died. Your face lost its redness and went from a lively red to pale white, then to blue. We talked to you and told you how much we loved you, that it was okay to let go. That we knew how tired your body was. You were prounounced dead at 2:38 PM on July the 12th.I don't know what to do with myself now that you are gone. I lie awake at night wondering about you, about what our life would be like with you here. We are planning a memorial garden for you. We will plant pansies for remembrance and Lamb's ears for healing. I like to think of you all healed and I try to imagine what your little body looks like now. No more pain and sorrow for my little girl- so why is it so hard for me here now?I am so sad for all the things we wont share. Hugs and songs, and watching you grow. Laughs with your silly big brother.I hope you know how much I love you. Oh how I miss you!!!! My heart breaks with missing you!
XXOO
Love, Mommy

Do Not Hibernate through Winter

Please, Do not try to pull me into the land of the living.
Let me lie down here on this dry and dusty ground of death.
Let me winter through this season, but do not leave me so;
Sit down with me in this cold and barren land.
Let's sit a while and look at the empty plains,
and then together we can marvel at the beautiful frailty of spring blooms as they arrive.
And sit with me too as we watch summer turn to autumn,
and we enter to winter once again.
The earth will continue spinning and the seasons will continue to change,
and you will see why we cannot live only for the spring.

1 month birthday

My Sweet One,
We came upon your one month birthday on Friday. Although you are not here, we celebrated anyways. We had a special dinner that evening, and Grandma and Emily were there to eat with us. Grandma, Ethan, Daddy, and I went to your grave and brought blush roses to make it pretty. We ended the day with an ice cream cake and went off to sleep with thoughts of you in our heads and great love for you in our hearts. I find myself wondering what you would be doing if you had made it to one month of age. It hurts to think about those things but for some reason I just can't seem to stop. Do you know how much I miss you?Saturday we recieved sad news. Your cousin, Little Dustin, died. His mom and daddy are so sad and we are so sad for them. Please keep Little Dustin company until the day he gets to see his mommy and daddy again, okay sweethart? He is such a little baby, just like you. I long to see you so much and just hold you one more time. I love you, dear one. All my heart,
mommy

Laughter and Tears

Today was a good day.
Today I made a trek to the city to meet a friend for dinner and shop a bit for myself. I am finding my solitary time very lonely and try to fill up my time as much as I can. As I strolled through the mall I was deeply saddened by a small statue of a mom and a baby at the Hallmark store, by the children skipping by the fountain, and all the noise and hustle and bustle around me. As I walked through the mall I wondered at how life changes so fast. I wondered how I could go on each day with such a hole in my heart- and yet my heart is still beating. I marveled at the people around me and wondered who in my midst had sorrow pulsing through their veins, pulsing like a ragging river just as mine did, but who were equally successful at hiding it. My heart hurt for my absent daughter and it hurt for those around me that may be hurting too. I thought How hard life can be! Why is it so hard?Just when the burden grows so heavy that we can't seem to take anymore, God is faithful to step in and keep our foot from faltering and to help us carry the load. He is the ultimate shelter from this storm of life. As I continued through the mall God brought an old friend into my path. How she, with a busy 1 year old, job, and home to run, and I , who have gone to a mall 2 times in the last 3 months, happened to be in the same place at the same time in a big city with many malls, truly an act of God. Her presence brought joy to my heart. We talked only a few minutes but it was enough to lift my spirit- to turn my thoughts outward to those I care about instead of inward on all my sorrow.Following my time at the mall I met my oldest and dearest friend for dinner. I was able to be confortable in my own skin for the first time in many weeks in such a public place. We fell so easily into an old routine (that goes back years) and laughed and cut up until we were either about to cry or wet our pants from laughing so hard.I am thankful to God that my days are not only dark. That amongst my sorrow there can be joy...... amonst my tears there is still laughter.
Thank you God. Thank you for my daily breath of life! May I forge through even the darkest days so that I may glimpse the shining sun. May I give each day my all just as my sweet daughter gave hers for every day of her life.Your compassions are new each morning! Your compassions never fail............

4 weeks

Dear Daughter,
Today you would be 4 weeks old. I can't believe its been 4 weeks since your birth and now over 2 weeks since we said goodbye. I think about you everyday and the pain doesn't seem to get any better. It seems to grow each day I have been seperated from you. I know you are in a better place Baby Girl, and you don't have any pain there. You had such a painful time on earth and such a long road to travel in your poor sick body....... so I find peace when I think about you with a new body, up in heaven, singing your heart out to God..... but it doesnt make me miss you any less....... in fact I think it makes me love you more. I know that life is short for each one of us, a mere breath to God.... but I can't get over how quickly you came and went.I think about what it will be like to see you in heaven, and wonder if I will get to hold you again in my arms. I know there are no tears in heaven dear daughter, but I think I would cry tears of joy.I love you so much baby girl! Happy four week birthday sweet one!
Love,Mommy
PS someone came today and placed 7 pink roses on your grave.... I dont know who it was, but I know they were thinking of you!

The Cemetary At Night

We have a nightly ritual of visiting the cemetary each evening. Most of the time Ethan tags along, and sometimes my mom, or Cliff's parents, and Emily came with her kids just a few nights ago. It is a way to honor the memory of Faith, to show significance to her life and a way in which we can grieve for her. Tonight we got home late from the store and Cliff and I went alone while my mom watched Ethan.It was Dusk when we pulled in and as we looked across the cemetary there were fireflies across the fields swirling about. I could hear the locusts and crickets calling outside my window. There were no other visitors in sight and as we slowly drove down the cemetary drive the sweet smell of dusktime air rolled in the window. It was already dark enough out that the solar powered ground ornaments were brightly shining on one tombstone. We parked at the very back of the cemetary under the same group of trees that we always do. As I got out of the truck I saw something moving in the front field of the cemetary, weaving its way among headstones. I stared hard for a moment and saw that it was a Doe gracefully making her way through the cemetary. She was very big, over six feet in height.I pointed her out to Cliff and we watched for a moment and then hand in hand we walked slowly in her direction. She saw us coming her way and changed directions to head toward the woods in the back of the cemetary. We stopped as we came even with her across the field and stared at her graceful beauty. She stopped and stared back and we stood like that for some time gazing across at each other. Finally the deer wondered out of sight into the trees.It was a strange yet very peaceful moment. Sometimes the places we are in life feel very solitary. But God has a way of reminding us we are not alone in unexpected ways and unexpected places. A cemetary is one of the most solitary places I could think to go. It is a place that is full of rest, quietly sleeping. A place of sorrow, honor, death. Tonight, the cemetary was full of life. It was around me in the form of nightbugs chirping, fireflies dancing through the air, a Doe strolling among the granite headstones.......God is everywhere and connected in all things... even the cemetary at night.
Thank you God for being ever before and behind me, for being with me in the midst of my sorrow. For caring for me so deeply and for always being there.

2 weeks

Dearest Daughter,
It has been 2 weeks today since your death dear daughter and the pain is not any lighter. As we approach the hour of your death I cannot help but think of you. In fact, I think of you each and every day, all day, and I cannot imagine life without you, and yet I live it each day.I feel like there is an imaginary string that attaches my heart to yours, a heartstring. I feel so close to you and yet feel so far apart. I whisper words to you into the air, and they fall to earth becuase you are not here with me. I feel like I couldnt do enough for you, and the burden and longing in my heart to carry on caring for you, it is still there and buring ever so brightly and deeply. I dont know what to do with those feelings- the longings to be your mommy and love you and hold you and care for your every need. I want to share you with everyone I meet- to shout out what a beautiful daughter I have. But this pride of parenthood dies on my lips becuase it makes everyone so sad to hear about you.I dont know what to do, child of mine, to extinguish this burning in my gut........I just know I miss you ever so much.I love you dear daughter, and I hope you knew in your days here, just what you mean to me. I hope we had time enough together that I could show you that you are the apple of my eye, the joy of my heart, and I hope you knew I would have cared for you forever, regardless of condition or struggles or needs. I would have given up everything I have to care for you. I miss you, Baby Girl.
Love,
Mommy

To those who wrote us!- Keep Writing!

To all of you who wrote, emailed, commented, called, visited, etc!

I just wanted to take a moment to express to each of you our gratitude for your personal contact. In whatever form you chose to reach out to us, it has been a lifeline. Each condolance and encouragement we have recieved has been a steady pulse of strength. Each day we recieve new emails, calls,comments, or cards in the mail( and still somedays more flowers!) and we look forward to those things as bright spots in the day. I will not lie and say that the days are not difficult, and some consuming us with grief, but the support that we get from those around us is what spurs us on and gets us through the darkest moments.I know it cannot always be easy to reach out, and many of you have said you dont know what to say to ease our pain. But know that whatever words you choose to express, the words don't matter as much as the fact that you are helping us to shoulder this grief. I honestly cannot thank you enough for caring and for showing God's love to us in this amazing way. I don't know how we could get through the days without it.
THANK YOU!

7 Days

Today is the seventh day since Faith died. It was a painfully slow day. I think all day of Faith and the loss of her. There is such an ache and hollowness within my chest- but still I go on breathing, living, being.Even close friends and family are tender to approach me or call. It is obvious they dont know the words to say, and conversations are awkward. I seem to be absent in even the simplist conversations, at a loss for words, or what to say, and I struggle to make my mind move fast enough to keep up with the flow of conversation, or to think what I should say next. The pain is so obvious in the eyes of those I converse with, as they see my grief overshadow me. They fight so hard to find a way to soothe the ache, to help me, to comfort me and in return I struggle to ease their minds, to find ways to let them know- I will be okay, I will push forward, but I know it is such a long a weary road to go........ and that the days may get harder before they get brighter. And I also know that I am a different person, that I will never be the same and the loss that I feel will always be ever before me- just beneath my breastbone, a dull ache that beats in time with my heart.It is during this emmense loss of life that I realize how lifechanging it is to lose a loved one, and it makes my heart hurt for those around me who have suffered a loss of someone so close, and my heart also hurts for those I love that will experience loss someday- it is a part of life.Faith is ever before me, her soft baby scent, her warm little body that would relax into my touch, her fuzzy red hair as soft as silk. It all lingers around me as I move through the day and I feel as if I am a shadow of myself.My heart aches for Cliff as I watch his grief mirror my own. I mourn for Ethan who will never have the love and playfulness that flows from brother to sister. I mourn for our parents who watch us with their own hearts in their eyes- who have said they wish they could bear this road for us.I would not have anyone to bear this road for me. She is my daughter and I hold fast to every memory of her- and every would be memory that we never got to make. When I carried her so cautiously in my womb....... each day seemed to move so slowly, and time seemed to stand on its end, but now- it seems that time moved to fast and the days were way to short that I got to see her and hold her.... and I can never go back.

Funeral Monday

The Funeral Service for Faith will be at 2 PM on Monday at the Lifechurch in Stillwater Oklahoma.This will be followed by a graveside procession.Anyone who would like to attend to celebrate her life and significance is welcome.

Faith Constance Carlson

Faith died yesterday afternoon, Thursday Juy 12th.She had done so well the previous 2 days and her body just grew tired. No matter what the hospital did, her body was just too tired and she couldnt do it anymore.She was a very strong fighter. We are so proud and fortunate to have had her nine days. I will post more later as I have more details as to a service and such.We thank you for your prayers and encouragement. We need them very much.
Micayla

This is the Day

This is the day
I awoke this morning with the words of a song ringing through my head. The verses were in spanish so I had to take a minute to translate them to remember what song it was.Pardon my spelling, it is a song I learned about 8 years ago in spanish, so the spelling may be bad.
Este es el DiaEste es el DiaQ izo el SenorQ izo el SenorNosgazaramosNosgazaramose ellegramos en ele ellegramos en el
Loosely this translates to :
This is the dayThis is the dayThat the Lord has madeThat the Lord has madeI will rejoice and be glad in itand be glad in it.
We are leaving now in about 15 minutes to go get ready for Faith's arrival- today I meet my daughter!Just had to share the sweet words that God gave me this morning...>

Faith's Arrival

Faith will be here on July 3rd. Delivery will be a C-section on Tuesday morning at OU Woman's and Childrens Pavilian( The new childrens hospital) We are very excited, anxious, etc!

Significance

There is a mystery to life,
in its beginnings and its end.
The time for each is measured,
and the distance of time may be short or long
or somewhere on the balance inbetween.
There is deep meaning in each existence,
a purpose for each life.
Although we do not always see it,
its always there,
the significance of who we are.Sometimes the truth is self evident!
Sometimes hidden underneath,
our delicate hearts,
our sensitive fears,
and waivering bouts of confidence.

I pray for a stedfast heart to guide me,
and open eyes to see,
the value in my own life-
and to help others find the value,
that is hidden in each of their hearts;

Life Is Significant.

Micayla Carlson

Dr Appt 6/21/2007

We went to visit the Specialist again yesterday.Faith has grown about 6 oz. in two weeks. She is still slow growing, still at the 4 percentile. But her bio score was 8 of 8 which is as good as a baby can score.Along with the gestational diabetes, it is now suspected that I may have preeclampsia. ( you may remember that I developed this with Ethan and this was why he was born almost 2 weeks before his due date) My blood pressure is higher than it should be so I get to take the 24 hour jug test( this is where you collect urine for 24 hours YAY!) and blood tests on Monday to make sure everything is okay with my body. As long as my blood pressure stays under control and my blood sugar- then Faith will be delivered at 34 weeks. ( that is the very first week in July) currently I am 32 weeks and 2 days. We have another appt on Friday June 29th. If Faith's scores are not good or my blood sugar and blood pressure readings are not good, we will go ahead and deliver next week( week of June 25th). We know she will be here very soon and it is just a waiting and resting period for us. I am of course, still at home, trying to control my blood pressure and blood sugars.We were hoping she would not come so soon, but have known since early April that it was likely that she could come early due to growth restriction so this is not a surprise for us. We are ready to meet Faith and hopeful for her progress and recovery. We trust the Lord and His might works- and we rest in His strength.

Psalm 42

Psalm 42
For the choir director: A psalm[a] of the descendants of Korah.
1 As the deer longs for streams of water,
so I long for you, O God.
2 I thirst for God, the living God.
When can I go and stand before him?
3 Day and night I have only tears for food,
while my enemies continually taunt me, saying,
"Where is this God of yours?"
4 My heart is breaking
as I remember how it used to be:
I walked among the crowds of worshipers, l
eading a great procession to the house of God,
singing for joy and giving thanks
amid the sound of a great celebration!
5 Why am I discouraged?
Why is my heart so sad?
I will put my hope in God!
I will praise him again—
my Savior and 6 my God!
Now I am deeply discouraged,
but I will remember you—
even from distant Mount Hermon, the source of the Jordan,
from the land of Mount Mizar.
7 I hear the tumult of the raging seas
as your waves and surging tides sweep over me.
8 But each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me,
and through each night I sing his songs,
praying to God who gives me life.
9 "O God my rock," I cry,
"Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I wander around in grief,
oppressed by my enemies?"
10 Their taunts break my bones.
They scoff, "Where is this God of yours?"
11 Why am I discouraged?
Why is my heart so sad?
I will put my hope in God!
I will praise him again—
my Savior and my God!

DR Visit June 15 2007

So we are home from another round at the specialist. Faith gets to stay in another week and we go back on the 21st for the next ultrasound. It was a good visit overall. Good News *** 1.My blood sugar has for the most part been in normal range - and considering this is my first week to watch my diet- this is GREAT. Of course I am one of the few pregnant women out there to lose 3 pounds in a week.( not so good I guess but as long as the baby grows, its okay? I think I have only gained 10 or so pounds so far- but dont worry, I had lotsa extra to begin with #wink) 2. Faith's Biophysical profile was good. She scored an 8 and her cord blood flow has improved since last week. She is still very tiny, but has at least earned herself another week of staying tight in the womb... and we hope many weeks more. This all goes to show that the bedrest has really helped her well being as she is more active and her bloodflow better. This makes me feel a little bit better about being stuck at home and I am determined to get her lots of rest and growth!We will celebrate this weekend with a worry free Father's Day for Cliff. Cliff's parents are coming up to help him set up the Nursery and see Ethan. I will of course spend the weekend in bed or on the couch consuming too many hours of pointless tv programs and wishing that I didnt read through a book in a day. That is an expensive habit :) More to come next week! Stay tuned!

Dayz Daze

The last few days have been so slow moving. Being at home is good becuase I get to keep rested for Faith, and its easy to control my diet( blood sugars are good, yeah!) and Ethan is so happy to have time with me. But my heart is just so heavy. I have trouble sleeping, and last night was no exception. I woke up in the middle of the night with every worry in the world. I worried for everything that I could or could not try to control. It ranged from work, to friends, to family, to how good or bad a mommy I am, to my husband, to..... everything. My heart feels so hollow and flat and ......... it is like I am a daze that I will not ever come out of. It feels like the days are endless...... like these moments are endless, like the earth is flat and I will slide off of the edge and I will never see the globe spin round and the sunlight come out again.I prayed and prayed for how long I dont know. The prayer that kept coming to my mind is that song by Newsboys and Matt Redman- Blessed Be Your Name. So I prayed those words over and again, trying to praise God for this time even though I dont understand it and it hurts so much. I keep pushing ahead, knowing that God will have honor in every inch of this - and I cling to that. It feels right now that it is all I have to cling to.The storms came last night( literally!) and the dogs were scared, Ethan was scared, they were all piled in my bed and we finally got back to sleep about 7am. Sorene came today about 830 to take Ethan for the day to give me some rest. And for the first time in all of this mess......... my body is so tired and I think I will finally get some sleep.

Change with Faith* update 6/8/2007*

Hi all,

Today was another appt with the specialist. We got the news that I DO have gestational diabetes. I get to check my blood glucose level 4 times a day and for now will get to control by diet. If I am successful at controling my glucose by diet I wont have to take pills or insulin shots. Thankfully, it was high but a lower high score. It should be 120 and it was 159. Faith is still kicking strong and has a good heart rate. However, she is still growing SO SLOWLY. She is now down to the 5 percentile. The Dr. talked with us about what happens next. If her growth continues to slow or stops she must come out to survive. He put me out on bedrest and it is our hope that we can carry her to 34 weeks at which time they may do the C-section. ( I am hoping for longer!) I am now at 30 and 1/2 weeks so this is close! I had to get a steroid injection to get her lungs developed early. They taught me how to give myself a shot which I did today and tommorrow I give myself a second round of steroid at home. This should be all for now. I was a big chicken about giving myself the shot and it was such a melodramatic preformance, I swear if the situation weren't so tense and upsetting I would have laughed at myself. Of course, as soon as I did it, I was so relieved I said " oh that was so easy" after the big fit I threw.( okay and if you know me well, you have seen me act SO tough but know I can be the BIGGEST BABY) Everyone in the room did laugh at this. Right now my Aunt is staying over an extra day for moral support and Cliff and I are sorting things out and making plans.We are VERY scared but know this is in the hands of God. Thanks for your continued prayers and support!

Valley of the Shadow of Death

I have been thinking for quite some time about Psalm 23. There are a few versions that I particularly like, which I have copied and pasted below. Many times in each of our life we experience loss, change, or as the new living translation puts it: our darkest hour. What is your valley of the shadow of death? Many of you may not be facing a darkest hour now,but have at some point in your life. It could be the loss of an ideal, poor health, divorce, loss of a loved one, loss of a job, financial woes, lonliness, depression etc. Do you feel you are all alone in the dark? Sometimes I have. Sometimes I have felt overwelmed, unable to sustain composure, scared to move forward. But each time I am given a little more strength, some little bits of comfort- and so I know that Jesus is right there with me, in the darkness, guiding me- and using this experience to bring honor to his name. It used to blow my mind that he can use even our darkest times to honor him. But in my recent experiences, I am beginning to understand. Sometimes it is in those darkest hours that we need to guide our faith back to him - it is those darkest hours that refine who we are, what is important,what we are living for.It is in those darkest hours that we can perform our greatest duties as the body of Christ- to love our brother- to help him bear his burden.I will give thanks to God for this darkest hour. THough I may not understand why I have been chosen to walk this path- I do know that I can glorify his name in this time. That this journey will honor his name- and he will be with me each step of the way. He can use this darkest hour to refine me, to undo who I think that I am, and to build me into who He wants me to be. This darkest hour will give me experience and understanding into things that will help me shoulder the burden for others who will also walk through this valley of the shadow of death. I may not be able to see the end of the journey, or how I will have the strength to make it there, but He will guide me and give me enough strength for each day.And I will rest in that.

Psalm 23 New Living Translation
1 The Lord is my shepherd;
I have all that I need.
2 He lets me rest in green meadows;
he leads me beside peaceful streams.
3 He renews my strength.
He guides me along right paths,
bringing honor to his name.
4 Even when I walk
through the darkest valley,[a]
I will not be afraid,
for you are close beside me.
Your rod and your staff
protect and comfort me.

A psalm of David. From Psalm 23 New International Version
1 The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
3 he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.
4 Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death, [a]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

Faith Update 5/28/2007

All,
Friday we had ANOTHER appt with the specialist to check on Faith. The appointment went well and Faith was moving and kicking for all to see on the Ultrasound. Cliff asked if we could have a 4D ultrasound and they were so kind as to make time to give us one( and on a Friday afternoon before Memorial weekend!) I have enclosed the pictures of her- which are just precious. Doesn't she look just like Cliff?Her growth is slow, she is now in the 8th percentile, she gained about 6 oz only since the last appt. She is a very little one but still fighting and thriving.She is about 1 pound and 8 oz. Her omphalocele is bigger, about 15 cm in diameter. STILL NO DEFECTS DETECTED WITH HER HEART! We celebrate each small step!The doctor has moved me to restricted travel. Which is, not to travel unless neccessary- although he stated that I can travel some for work- just not as much. This may eventually progress to no travel. He said that with Faith's size and growth retardation they would typically send a mom home to do bedrest- but he doesnt want me just sitting at home thinking about the baby and worrying about her condition so it is okay to work as long as I am taking care of myself. We have such an excellent Doctor! He is so kind and attentive. It felt like this appt really turned everything around as far as how I feel about the Dr and hospitals. I really trust that we are in good hands.He told us at the last visit that we could come to appt.'s every 3 weeks but this time he said we will come now every 2 weeks. I think this is becuase of her slow growth but he was careful to point out that every 2 weeks for a visit at this stage of pregnancy is normal. We got to tour the hospital with a wonderful representative from OU Medical. She took us to the birthing rooms, the recovery area, and even took us into the NICU to see what everything is like. The NICU is of course huge and has many rooms with only 2 babies to a room. Gone are the old days of all the babies in one large room. There is also a special area for parents that are preparing to take their special needs children home. In this area they have a room where the parents stay with their baby and the nurses there teach them how to care for the babies. They will also have a social worker that will be working with us after Faith is born and will help us with any decisions or planning that we will need to make. We will be in good hands at OU Medical.
So that is the newest update! We are pushing forward each day and hoping for the best for our little Faith! Love ,
Micayla

Update

Just an update on baby Faith. She has been kicking away and very active. I am enjoying all those little kicks and moments with her. My health has still been good. I am not experiencing as many issues with my sciatic nerves(yay) and feeling pretty good. We had another ultrasound and echocardiogram about a week ago. Thus far, they havent found anything wrong with Faith's heart.. This is significant as 80% of trisomy 13 babies have heart conditions or complications. They will continue to monitor it as she grows as well as after her birth. All of her other signs have been good except that the omphalocele is now 13 cm in diameter. 5 cm is considered giant so I have no idea what 13 cm would be called.
We did see on the ultrasound that Faith is already practicing her breathing to prepare for being out of the womb. So all in all, a good visit. We were reminded again of the Doctors earlier prognosis. That her condition is not compatible with life.I failed my first glucose screening and had a second longer glucose screening yesterday which I think I also failed( will find out next week) I guess I may be going on a restricted diet and exercise to control my blood sugar( but eating healthy is not a bad thing right?) We are fighting to stay hopeful and just trying to enjoy each moment we have with Faith. Some days are really hard for us but all in all we are doing good and pushing forward. I remind myself all the time that Faith was created by God before I even knew she was there. He formed her body completely, her heart and her mind. For the length of times that I have her, what a blessing! We have been entrusted as her parents to love and care for her everyday and we are going to do the best we can!

Faith's Page

http://www.livingwithtrisomy13.org/AlbumFaith.htm

Above is the link to Faith's page.

News

We recieved the result of the amnio this morning. The news is very devastating.Faith has Mosaic Trisomy 13- a chromosonal abnormality.
You can learn more about it at www.livingwithtrisomy13.org
This was the most optimistic, hopeful site we found on the web. Many sites are much more discouraging of the diagnosis.We are working through this step by step and again, sincerely appreciate your support, prayers, and kind words.

Faith

We found out on Monday that we are having a little girl. Cliff wants to name her Faith and i think the name will be very suiting.Faith's ultrasounds went great. She is growing on target and all of the scans seems to look very normal. She does have an omphalocele( learn more at www.omphalocele.com , or www.geeps.co.uk ) which contains some, most, or all of her liver. At this time they did not see any other things like bowel or stomach. She will have surgery after birth but not right away. It will take time to fit her liver back in so they will most likely put a special sac on it and move it back in little by little as the stomach cavity expands. ( kind of like squeezing a tube of toothpaste) She will be delivered via c-section at OU Childrens Hospital( hooray for great hosptals!) and will have her surgery on site.We did have an amnio done which will have results back in 2 weeks. We will go back every two weeks to let them monitor Faith and the next time we go they will do an echo cardiogram to check her heart.Thank you all for your encouragement, kind words, prayers and support!
We will keep you posted!

Please Pray for Us!

Hello All.
I wanted to update you all on what is going on with us. I have been debating over how to write this blog for several days now and dont really know how to start or what to say so I am just going to share the news with you all and ask that you keep us in your prayers.We had the ultrasound for the new baby about 10 days ago( Monday the 12th). The Dr. called me on Wednesday the 14th to let me know that the radiologist picked up some abnormalities on the ultrasound images. It would appear that the baby has something called an omphalocele and he had already set up an appt with a specialist at OU Childrens Hospital for Monday the 26th.Cliff and I were shocked and scared when we heard the news. An omphalocele is basically a condition where the babies intestines,stomach etc did not move back into the body during the development and is growing outside the abdomen. ( you can see about this at www.geeps.co.uk - in the UK its called an exomphalos.) This has not been confirmed for us- nor do we know if there are any other abnormalities with the baby, and how severe. We are anxiously awaiting the appt on the 26th where we will get a 4d ultrasound and possibly an amnio.We are leaning very heavily on the Lord at this time and trusting Him to take us day to day.
When I know more for sure I will post to you all to let you know the progress.
Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

Do I Trust You Lord?

Thanks to Stephanie for writing these verses out for me over 10 years ago. In the last few days they have been a constant on my mind. Thank You Stephanie.
Twila Paris - Do I Trust You LordSometimes my little heart can't understandWhat's in Your will, what's in Your plan.So many times I'm tempted to ask You why,But I can never forget it for long.Lord, what You do could not be wrong.So I believe You, even when I must cry.Do I trust You, Lord?Does the river flow?Do I trust You, Lord?Does the north wind blow?You can see my heart,You can read my mind,And You got to knowThat I would rather dieThan to lose my faithIn the One I love.Do I trust You, Lord?Do I trust You?I know the answers, I've given them all.But suddenly now, I feel so small.Shaken down to the cavity in my soul.I know the doctrine and theology,But right now they don't mean much to me.This time there's only one thing I've got to know.Do I trust You, Lord?Does the robin sing?Do I trust You, Lord?Does it rain in spring?You can see my heart,You can read my mind,And You got to knowThat I would rather dieThan to lose my faithIn the One I love.Do I trust You, Lord?Do I trust You?I will trust You, Lord, when I don't know why.I will trust You, Lord, till the day I die.I will trust You, Lord, when I'm blind with pain!You were God before, and You'll never change.I will trust You.I will trust You.I will trust You, Lord.I will trust You.

i am back! ( sort of)

So its so true. I have been a bit lax at the myspace thing. It honestly has been a battle for me to keep up with. Apologies to all my dear friends out there that I keep up with through Myspace. Please forgive me for not sending you nice personal messages and comments to your sites.I have been so busy with work and Cliff and Ethan, and well just resting lots in preparation for all those nights coming up that I wont be sleeping :) SighI am just trying to work hard and come home and enjoy my boys and make it through this pregnancy!I am actually feeling much better this time. Less tired( although OH SO TIRED!), very few headaches, very little nausea. Much better than the pounding headaches and days full of nausea with Ethan. I am less moody, less sullen, less depressed- it is really an enjoyable pregnancy this go round.Things are going well for all three of us and we are enjoying life in Stillywater.Hopefully, in the near future I will have time to catch up with each of you. Until then, lots of love from me to you!

Unexpected Surprises

So if you havent heard the news I am sure you can guess by reading this first sentence what I am about to type next. Have you made your guess? Chances are you guessed right. I am pregnant. We are expecting our second sweet baby in August 2007. ( Summer time AGAIN!?!?!)Well I guess when you dont plan things out they kinda happen like that :)
Cliff and I are very excited. Ethan will be almost three( one month shy) by the time the new little one comes along. I am very excited to watch him become a big brother. I just wanted to share the news so everyone can share in our joy!
We are blessed!

So Ya'll..................

Yep, so Ethan and I are back from L-town and happy to be back with Cliff. His surgery was a success and he is recovering well. I just got back from Chicago this weekend and i have to say........ BRRRRRRRR. Cliff just celebrated the big 27! He got lots of great Sooner stuff( yeah I know, our home is one big oxymoron, right?) So all and all, it has been a busy week for us. Mic Chicago, Cliff birthday, Ethan Surgery.Also, this weekend is Homecoming weekend. Swing by the US CELLULAR store on Saturday for the parade if you are in town and see me. We have loads of giveaways( and when I say loads, I really mean a giant trailer LOAD) or come find me at the autograph tent at the game!
Miss ya! and Go Pokes!