Hope does not disappoint

Surprise and Delight

2010-09-15T21:28:00.001-05:00

After several months of hoping, we are pleasantly surprised to be expecting again! After the two miscarriages in the last year and a half, its a little scary.... but fingers crossed and prayers whispered that this baby Carlson makes it to our arms.

I am not Chicken Little

2010-08-14T23:02:00.006-05:00

I am not Chicken Little...... Or am I? Certainly there have been times in my life when I have FELT just like him. I have never run around screaming " The Sky is falling! The Sky is falling!" but internally I have felt the turmoil and depression that comes from fear and anxiety that the worst will happen. God reminded me of this recently through a series of what I thought were unfortunate events but what I have decided in hind sight were strategic lessons from God. In my despair and inner turmoil, God has used scripture and key people to reveal to me something that I never recognized in myself and didn't even know was a hindrance in my walk with him and my relationships on earth.
In a tense moment I have always assumed the worst- THE SKY IS FALLING! But the truth is that I really just got hit on the head with an acorn. A minor bump, easily overcome. I am not a victim of my circumstances and do not need others to feel sorry for me and the lot I have been cast- so I have to quit telling myself that!!!

I was bought with a price, God created me, fearfully and wonderfully I have been made, God has great plans for me, a future full of prosperity, He makes my steps firm, therefore I will not stumble. Do you believe it about yourself? Or do you still think your sky falling?

Happy Heavenly Birthday Faith

2010-07-03T02:19:00.006-05:00

First breaths

A visit with Mommy

Hi little one,

Its your mommy here. Today is your 3rd birthday. We are remembering you here by lighting sparklers at dusk and having a little cake. As I have wondered the last two years, I wonder this year what your birthday party will be like in heaven. What does a three year old do in heaven for her birthday? Are there balloons and streamers and cake and games? I try to imagine what we would be doing here if you were with us on earth. I imagine your red hair would be long and curly by now, down to the middle of your back. Would you let me fix it in pretty ponytails and bows? or would you be like your sister and pull everything out? Would you have dainty narrow feet like your brother and sister or would you break the Carlson trend and have chubby toddler toes? What does your laugh sound like? Your brothers is a winding giggle and your sisters is a witch's cackle...
What is your favorite color there in heaven? Now that you have seen every color that God has created I bet you have quite a few? I imagine that perhaps you would like purple, a strong contrast to your strawberry hair. Sometimes I picture you in white and purple with ribbons tying back your curls.
I wonder what a three year old in heaven has her room decorated like? Do you change it every year?
Do you see the bubbles and balloons that your cousins release to heaven for you?
Do you hear the prayers that your brother says for you every night?
Do you hear your name when I whisper it on my lips?
Do you know each and every time I think of you each day?
I don't know what your life is like in heaven. I don't know what your life would have been like here on earth. I try to imagine both and it is a beautiful vision behind my closed eyes as I drift off to sleep. I DO know what life is like here without you in it and some days it is so very hard. But I also know just how much I love you and how happy I am that God let me have you to touch and cuddle and talk to for 9 days.
Happy Birthday dearest beautiful girl.
I love you Faith.

Always Yours,
Mommy

Fill Me Up

2010-06-15T09:35:00.004-05:00

This weekend, my dear friend Emily invited me to attend a Women's Conference at her church. Really I should say coerced. She was persistent in gaining my commitment to attend over the last three months- and I have to tell you I am SO thankful that she was.
It lasted for 3 days, although I only attended Friday and Saturday. I am so glad I was able to attend!
God absolutely filled up my heart. It is funny how life can feel so upside down, and in a moment, God can flip your world right side up. TO the heart that has no hope, God can fill it up with HOPE and love. In these last several months that have felt so dark and alone, God has shed light into my heart to remind me of his Love for me, of His plans for me, of the way I have been redeemed.
I was surprised this weekend to see how many of the lies of the devil that I have bought into and believed. Christ died on the cross, and sacrificed his life to REDEEM my life- of course he wants good things for me! Of course God wants me to be secure and confident- and blessed! God loves me, and He has more than one plan or dream for me. He has a lifetime of plans for me.
And if you are out there doubting that today, I just want to tell you- GOD LOVES YOU TOO. God created you. What God says, his word, its all true. The hurts of this life, the distractions, the disappointments, that is not God robbing us. that is the devil robbing us- but God can use those things for good- He can use those moments to pour love and peace into our hearts.
The bible tells us not to give the devil a foothold. But give God one. Let God have a foothold in your life, just open the door a crack and let Him get a foot in the door and show you how much you are loved.

Precious little one

2010-06-14T09:20:00.001-05:00

Today was the due date of the precious baby that we lost to miscarriage back in November at 11 1/2 weeks. Leading up to today, the last few weeks have been a little bit sad for me as I have watched several people around me welcome their new little ones into their families. It reminds me of the little one that I dont have to hold in my arms right now... the sleep that I am still gloriously blessed with each night, the simplicity of feeding an almost 2 year old and a 5 year old who can hold their own forks, the baby gear and bottles that will remain packed away.... but I tell you that seeing those little ones be born is a blessing and a balm to my aching heart. What a precious and wonderful gift life is- a true miracle to be celebrated! If not for Cliff and I to welcome another baby into our family, then dear Lord, please let that blessing rain down on others!
Life is so full for us that sometimes it feels that the loss of that baby, whom I named Evin, is a world away. The sadness is there, in small waves it seaps in, but the fullness and blessing of our life today fills me up and although I have loss, I HAVE GAIN.
My good friend Tami reminded me some months ago that Ethan has Olivia to play with here on earth and Faith now has two siblings in Heaven with her. It calms my heart to imagine those three little ones running amuck in heaven, exploring the great garden, singing and rejoicing with the angels, hearing bedtime stories from Jesus himself. My heavenly children will not know sorrow or pain or loss the way that I have- and someday I will get to be with them again and they can fill me in on every wonderful day that heaven has brought to them.

But today, I will remember my precious little one.
Evin Carlson- Due June 14th 2010. Love and kisses baby boy.

A box full

2010-05-19T21:00:00.003-05:00

Tonight, we learned that we can fit 11 people in our 6 person storm cellar. Six adults, Five kids(at least one of them screaming his head off too). We have been here 4 years, 3 tornado seasons, and this was the first time we actually had to take a trip down into the cellar. But everytime we have a storm, just to be safe, we put together a laundry basket of items to take into the cellar. Water, blankets, snacks, flashlights, diapers...
Tonight, as I hurried to make our basket and found out some neighbors would be joining us, all I could think about were the items that we have of Faith's that could be swept away in a tornado. I could kick myself that we hadn't bought a security lock box for them yet. I scrambled to grab her things and place them into a small cardboard box to take down to the shelter just in case.
I slid her memorial album in, her picture album, and the tupperware shoebox that has all the things that were hers at the hospital- her ID bracelet, her blanket, her unused micro preemie diapers, a clipping of her hair, and a caste of her footprints.
After the storm was over and the box was sitting on my kitchen table, I walked passed it several times as the evening wore on and I thought," I can fit all of my baby's belongings in a little cardboard box."

MY Baby.

HER WHOLE LIFE.

IN. ONE. SMALL. BOX.

I wanted more. A lifetime of memories and momentos. A room full that I would have to pack up when she moved away to college or to get married. Things I could drag out to show her children when they stayed the night. I want her drawings to hang on my fridge. I want her clothes to fill a closet in the extra bedroom. I want a toothfairy box with her first tooth. I want to step on her toys in the dark in the middle of the night. I want to take her tightly in my arms and hug her and whisper " I love you" and I want to feel her breathing against my chest. I want her to call for mommy over and over again from the other room while I try to just finish putting on my makeup.

I WANT HER LIFE TO FILL UP MORE THAN A TINY BOX.

Hope Less..... Hope More

2010-05-19T16:31:00.005-05:00

Depression is an unpredictable thing. It can come at a time that you can expect it- after tragedy, loss, heartache, sorrow.... and it can come at the time that you least expect it- when life is busy, full, overflowing,.... blessed.
The last few months have been a rocky road for me. Sometime over the course of this vast winter I found myself in very pit of the belly of depression. I don't have one giant trigger that set it off.... rather, a multitude of smaller triggers that both stung me and overcame me in a way I hadn't expected. I have faced bigger more painful things in more desperate times....
but this winter my heart and my mind refused to listen as I tried to remind myself that my life is blessed, my life is full, and that I should be full of joy instead of sorrow.
Hopelessness is a scary word. But it is an accurate description of the hollowness I have felt in my heart over these last months.
I have been absent in writing and hesitant to share my sorrows and burdens here because depression is both debilitating and embarrassing. Its just not something that is easy to share... and if I ever did reach a day that I thought I could share it with the world wide web, I certainly didnt have the energy to sit down and write about it.
Because I am a christian, I recognize that my hope in Christ should be enough to have strength through even the darkest periods of my life and it has been embarrassing to me to know that my mind and my heart made me feel otherwise.
I have been doing lots of reading, lots of soul searching, and have humbled myself to the point of seeking professional help and thankfully, it's helping.
I am so thankful for the friends and family that have been praying for me and reaching out to me during this time. For their kind words of encouragement, for listening to me pour out my fears and anxieties, and for encouraging me to take care of myself so that I could get better for my family and for myself. I am thankful for my kind husband who sat with me evening after evening as I cried and held my hand and listened to my sorrow. A man who encouraged me each morning to get up, to get moving and sent me on my way each day armed with a warm cup of coffee. I am also thankful for a God who listens, who comforts, and who cares about my every need. A God who is there even when I refuse to see him.

Regardless of how I change, he is always constant.... and he is always always holding on... even when I have been overcome with hopelessness and let go.
David Crowder says it best as he sings " When waters rise and hope had flown, oh my soul. In Joy and pain, sun and rain, you're the same, oh you never let go. Perfect love that never lets go"

I am so thankful that he never lets go.

She Got the Call Today

2010-03-14T12:50:00.008-05:00

She got the call today

one out of the grey

and when the smoke cleared

it took her breath away

She said she didn't believe

it could happen to me

I guess we are all

just one phone call from our knees

It was an early morning start for me. I was tired and nervous. I was almost too tired to feel my nerves but I was so nervous that no level of exhaustion could quite wipe away the steely feeling my nerves left in my stomach, tightly knotted and leaving my stomach feeling a little queasy.
This pregnancy had left me quite worn out and the travel schedule with work didn't help the overwhelming waves of exhaustion that caused me to crash down onto my couch each evening as I listened to Cliff give Ethan a bath as I drifted off to sleep.

But this morning was a special morning and also one that left me quite anxious. I was traveling to the city to help lead a training class for new associates. I was insanely nervous at the idea of speaking in front of a group, but was equally passionate about the importance of this training and this created enough drive for me to try to push my nerves aside. This was my first time to help lead the training and I was not as familiar with the materials and the flow of the class as I would like but I was determined to do it with passion and enthusiasm.

The fun part of leading the training course was that it was themed to make it more enjoyable. The theme was Space and I got to pick from two costumes to wear upon my arrival. The options were Obi Won Kenobi and Princess Leia and with my ever growing belly, I quickly determined that the flowing white robe of the Princess would be the most comfortable route to go. I went to the bathroom and put on the over sized white robe over my clothes and adjusted the cinnamon roll wig on my head, making sure to secure the cinnamon buns over each ear with a bobby pin.
I went back to the conference room and helped to finish prepping the room and joked around with a few people that worked at the business office. Just before class was set to begin I looked at my phone which I had already put into silent mode and saw that I missed a call around 7:50 am. I thought that it seemed very odd and checked my voicemail to find a message from my OB/GYN. The message asked me to call him back as soon as I could. The nerves that were already present in my stomach began to flutter a little bit faster but I pushed that feeling aside and told myself he probably just wanted to discuss my next appointment. I called his office back and the nurse said he was in with a patient but he would call me back. No sooner was I headed back to the training room and my phone began to ring again.
I went quickly back to the little kitchen and paced nervously as the Dr began to explain to me that something came back out of the ordinary on the ultrasound image. Something was wrong with our baby. I sat down at the little round table in my princess leia costume with the white robes spilling around my dangling feet and the cinnamon bun wig itching my head and nervously took notes as he explained to me that our baby had stomach organs or intestines growing outside her stomach. I wrote down what he was telling me as accurately as I could, trying to spell out words like omphalocele and gastroshisis so I could look them up later. I was too shocked to asked questions and my doctor seemed to have prepped for this because he calmly explained that it was too early to know what we were dealing with and he had already set up an appointment with a specialist for me. I hung up with the Dr and sat at the table for a moment in a daze. I leaned my face into my hands to try to hold back the hot tears from my tired eyes but they spilled over and unto the sleeves of the princess leia tunic. I knew there was no way that I could stay at work and tried to put on a brave face so that I could face my co-workers and let them know I was leaving to go home.
I walked around the corner to tell the Admin that something was wrong and I had to go home and as I passed another smaller conference room one of the associates there caught my eye. After I quickly explained to the admin that something was wrong with the baby and I needed to go home and headed back down the same hall, the associate in the conference room stopped me. Even in my shocked state I knew that I did not want to be rude, even though I really didn't want to make small talk with anyone.
"Hey Micayla!" They exclaimed boisterously. "How are you?!" I tried to control my voice so that the emotions wouldn't spill forth. "Okay." I said making eye contact quickly and looking away. " Geez," He joked " You are acting like something bad happened or something." I was floored at this and didn't know what to say. I don't even remember my response or how I got to my car and made the hour drive home. I spent the rest of the day in shock and an immense sense of dread as I researched as much information online as I could.
I didn't understand how this could be happening to me, TO US. I cried out to God, prayers and questions swirling in my head as the helpless tears rolled down my check over and over. This would be the beginning of many many days and weeks and months of tears and I would soon learn what it would be like to have crying become a part of my daily routine- so much a part of it that I swore off makeup in the coming months rather than reapply it several times a day.

And so our difficult journey had begun- with one simple phone call- 3 years ago on this day. March 14, 2007

The start of a journey

2010-03-12T07:46:00.005-06:00

Three years ago, on this date March 12 2007, it was a Monday. A sunny Monday and a hectic Monday at work. Cliff was taking half a day off from work at his job in the city because we were having a second level ultrasound for our second child. Somehow we managed to schedule the ultrasound for around 17 or 18 weeks which we found out later was about 2 or 3 weeks earlier than what is the norm. I am not sure how we managed to get into the ultrasound a few weeks early but given the prognosis we recieved a few days after the ultrasound I am glad that someone somewhere messed up on the scheduling. I like to look back and think that God had a hand in that mixup. I had received an ultrasound or 2 before this date, but they had been basic ultrasounds on the doctors old machine at his office. This was the official level 2 ultrasound that would tell us if we were having a boy or a girl!
I managed to leave the office just in time to make it over to the ultrasound room at the hospital and as I drove over there my mind was preoccupied with the thought that I really wanted to have a girl but I reminded myself over and again that I would love a boy too and not to be disappointed if that's what we were having.
The ultrasound technician was very pleasant and seemed very knowledgeable. She spent a long time looking at some of the images and said she just couldn't tell if it was a boy or a girl. She even called a colleague into the room to look at the ultrasound screen. They seemed to take a lot of images of the babies midsection and the ultrasound tech assured us it was because she had a hard time capturing it just right. I began to grow a little nervous but remained oblivious to any problems. I was so happy to see images of our child's face and foot which they printed out for us to keep. I left the ultrasound disappointed that we wouldn't know if we were going to have a boy or a girl for the rest of the pregnancy( unless we could talk the doctor into another ultrasound which I was already plotting in my head as we left) but very happy to see my little one. We would not receive the full ultrasound report for a few days yet, so our world remained worry free and well adjusted.
It seems ironic to me when I look back at the dates that we had Faith's level 2 ultrasound on March 12th and received the news of complications from the ultrasound report on March 14th- with National Trisomy 13 awareness day smack in the middle of those two days on March 13th. But I will share more about the day I received that call from the Dr on March 14th in a few days.
Today, I will just think about the moment that I first saw my daughters face(via ultrasound) and remained innocent to the knowledge of her difficult journey- our difficult journey- ahead.

He is gone fishin' and he ain't comin' back

2010-02-23T21:04:00.002-06:00

Today my family and I traveled to Muskogee Oklahoma to say goodbye to my dear Grandpa Wayne. We met the rest of the family there, all his children and grandchildren, and spread his ashes at Spaniard Creek, his favorite fishing hole.

From pleasing them to pleasing Him

2010-01-31T22:12:00.004-06:00

I am a people pleaser. I want people to like me. I don't want people to be angry with me. I have always been this way since I can remember and it is one of the things I like least about myself. I have spent many nights tossing and turning as I play a conversation over and over again in my head, analyzing the things that were said and wondering if I said it wrong and if I will ever get it right. It is one of the major sources of stress in my life. As long as I am confessing one of my dirty little secrets, I might as well just go ahead and say that I do this with even the most positive and healthy of my relationships. Even the friendships that have never had a misstep or ill word bring with them a lot of anxiety and speculation over my words and actions and how my friend perceives me.Ridiculous isn't it? As I write this blog even I can see how illogical that thought process is.
Being a people pleaser sucks.
One of the encouraging and wonderful things that God is teaching to me in my current bible study is that all the time and energy that I put into pleasing other people needs to be redirected at pleasing Him. All this time I have been longing for people to like me and God LOVES me. He loves me extravagantly. He loves me unconditionally and so completely that he sent Jesus to die so that I could have a relationship with Him. He loves me regardless of the stupid things I might say and regardless of how many times I am so busy in my day that I forget to acknowledge His friendship. He is simply the best friend I could ever have and He loves me for exactly who I am... after all, He created me.
God, I thank you for creating me exactly as I am. May my heart seek to please you and know you above all others.

Eternal Friendship

2010-01-31T21:55:00.003-06:00

It has been three weeks since I posted about my struggles with the ebb and flow of a friendship that is very near and dear to my heart. It is one of the longest standing friendships in my life and although I was able to pour some of my thoughts and feelings out into that post, my friend has not been far from my thoughts. I think of her everyday, and I wonder what I did or didn't do that caused a crack between us, and I wonder even further still how that crack turned into a chasm. I have a lot of one sided conversations in my head.... and occasionally I have a breathe of relief. The relief comes simply from the thought that perhaps all the volleying between the highs and the lows is done for a bit and I can rest.
In this time of reflection and angst and absence there is one thing that emerges as a simple and bright truth. God is using this time to reacquaint me with parts of Him. God is able to take the absence of my friendship and redirect my heart to Him.
God uses LOSS in our life to transform us.
You would think I know this lesson by now and would learn to embrace loss. But for all that I have learned of the ways that God works, loss is simply too painful of a thing for me to seek it out.... However, I am grateful to God that he uses those times in my life that empty me and leave me hollow to fill me back up with something new and glorious and just a little bit different than what was there before.
God, I praise you for transforming my heart again and again. I thank you for the eternal friendship you offer me, always.

Fill it up and Pour it Out

2010-01-31T21:20:00.003-06:00

Spirit what do you say?

I have been in the desert many times in my life, spiritually speaking. It is an easy place to wander upon and all it takes is a few small misguided steps(or unguided I should say) to lead me on a wandering trail that leads into the heart of a dry and dusty place. One would think that I have been there enough times to recognize where I was going or where I was when I got there... but just the same... each time I wander far enough away from God to recognize the barren land I am headed for, I am surprised.

In my current bible study I am learning a little bit about the spirit, the Holy Spirit that lives in me and the fruits that my spirit can produce. The study suggests that when my spirit is dry and parched, then it will verbally manifest itself in ugly ways- gossip, complaining, cussing, and hateful words. As I look back on moments in my life when I have fallen into all the above, I am embarrassed to realize that not only was I lacking in my faithfulness and attention to God, but by my words, my dry and rusty spirit was evident to everyone else as well.
A spirit that is hungry for time with God but is neglected also has symptoms, just like an empty stomach rumbling for food. When our spirit is hungry and we choose not to feed it the Bread of Life, it will begin to manifest physical symptoms such as lustful thoughts,envy, anger, resentment, selfish ambitions, irritability, impure thoughts, etc. On the contrary to a parched and dry spirit, a spirit that has been recently satisfied by God will praise God, sing His word, and will offer words to sustain the weary.
I think the later sounds the best of all three don't you?
I dont want to wonder in the parched and dry desert. I want to drink the water of Life.
I pray that as I continue to seek Him, I make quality time to spend with God so that He can fill my spirit and satisfy me like nothing else in this life can.

Arin

2010-01-18T21:47:00.002-06:00

Today was the day my fourth child was due. I have spent several of my days this month volleying between two thoughts: wondering what that little miracle of life would have looked like and what it would have felt like to hold her in my arms the day she was born, and wondering what it will be like when I get to meet her, hand in hand with her sister Faith, in Heaven. As much as my heart hurts for her, I have to thank God that I am so incredibly blessed with a wonderful family here on earth and in Heaven too. I look forward to the day that I will get to know my heavenly children.

Arin Avery Carlson- due January 18 2010, miscarried May 2009

If I had a superpower.. it would be..........

2010-01-13T18:35:00.002-06:00

The Seasons Do Change

2010-01-09T21:30:00.005-06:00

Last spring I wrote a blogpost about a friend that was going through some changes in her life. At the time I had the strongest feeling in my gut that those changes would cause her to move far away. It was a hard season to bear becuase we had grown incredibly close once again after a hard winter in our friendship and I didn't have that many close friends. I had grown acustom to the season that we were in which was a fragrant summer of blooming friendship.I had grown dependent on her once again. It turned out that she didnt have to move becuase she found a new job in the same town. This change filled my lungs with a big sigh of relief.
Fast forward six months and I realize what my heart was telling me back then. Those feelings that I was getting deep in my bones had nothing to do with my friend moving and had everything to do with our friendship entering a period of dormancy, winter. I dont know what caused the seasons to shift so swiftly from a never ending summer to the a bitter winter.... but there the seasons lie. Rather than resisting the change in the climate and the absence of the beauty of our friendship... I have decided to buckle down for the winter and embrace this season in our friendship for what it is- a dormant season.

All the worlds A Stage

2010-01-08T23:24:00.004-06:00

I went to dinner with a dear friend tonight in which each second was filled with words and deep conversation. One sentence toppling over another- no moments to get a word in edgewise- you just had to make your edgewise. Our conversation fell to blogging and she explained to me once again the wonderful title that she has for her blog.
She explained that so often we live our life as if we are on stage.... that everything is in show or ends up being a show for everyone or someone...... and that the intent behind the name was to let the reader know that her blog was not going to be a show and that she would not be writing what people want to read or just what she thinks will paint a pretty picture of her life but what she really feels in her heart.
This conversation reminded me of my readers and my blog and the disclaimer that I should share.
I dont write my blog to paint a pretty picture of my life. Although I do have quite a love affair with words and may write something for the beauty and the flow of the sentence, I most certainly never want to write something that will lead the reader to believe I am living a fairy tale life. The truth is that I absolutely am not. And I am not living my life in a modern day tragedy either. My life is simply my life and I write my blog as little glimpses of that life- of my thoughts, my feelings, my reflections, my dreams, etc. I write what I write the way I write becuase I want to tell the story right.... that is correct I mean.
So as you read through my blog, think of it more of an intimate poetry reading from the poet rather than a show on the stage..

remember.release.refresh.renew.rebirth

2009-12-30T23:34:00.003-06:00

In the last few years, this time of year has become one of difficulty. Everything that the holiday was and what it represented has changed. Don't get me wrong, the Christmas season is still a time that we celebrate our saviour and his presence in our lives..... but as wonderful as this season is... the absence of our daughter brings a heavy cloud to what used to be a joyous occasion... and this has changed the holiday very much for us. In the first few years it was almost an overwhelming struggle to make it through the month of December.
It is still a strange month with many days of ups and downs but it is emerging into something else... something more. It is in these recent years that I not only rejoice in Christ's birth but I also feel the pain and heartache of the journey he walked to bring new life to us. It is during this time that I am beginning to understand that I am not alone in my hurt, my pain, my grief, and my sorrows. The world is full of them.
I am learning to see this season for what it is. A season of remembrance. A time to remember the journey that Christ walked to bring us life, a time to remember whom we hold most dear-those closest to our hearts. It is a time to release, a time to let go of the things that weigh us down, and a time to pour out our tears and our hurts as an offering to God. It is a time to refresh and reflect on God and his glory and to rest with our families. It is a time to refocus, to renew our strength, renew our faith, and renew our hearts and minds. And lastly, it is a time of rebirth. It is a time to reflect on the last year and the amazing journey that Christ has taken us on and to use the things we have faced in the last year- the joys, the sorrows, the difficulties, and the blessings to shape and mold us into better people.
In the last few weeks I have said over and again how glad I am that 2010 is approaching- that I will be so glad when 2009 is over and that 2010 will be a great year! As quick as I was to let go of 2009 and hide it from my sight, I recognize that it was 2009 that brought me to the place that I will be in 2010. It was this journey in the last year and all its ups and downs that have molded the me of today and the me of tomorrow. Instead of turning my back on everything that happened in 2009, I am going to use it as a catapult to launch me into an even better person in 2010.

Stay tuned, new years resolutions thoughts and ideals to come.

2009, I thank you for all that you have taught me and all that you have brought me, both good and bad.
2010, here I come!

Well Timed Words

2009-12-15T22:38:00.004-06:00

I have a few friends that have a God given knack of saying the right thing at the right time. I wrote about one of them a few months ago in regards to some encouragement and advise they gave me while I was struggling in one of my friendships.
My friend Tami is one of these friends with perfect timing.
When I got home from work yesterday, there was a package waiting for me that came from the lovely and frigid state of Washington. I didn't have to look at the return label to know it was from Tami. 1. Because she told me it was coming and 2. Because she has a wonderful habit of sending me packages, cards, or CD's at perfectly timed intervals throughout the year that I need them most, and let me tell you, this was one of those times that I needed a pick me up.
The package included my Christmas gift as well as a CD for me and another copy for Cliff of songs to encourage us during this difficult season. It was obvious once I placed the CD into my player that she had spent a great deal of time picking the songs and placing them in just the right order to encourage my heart. Not only had she taken the time to plan the play list, she also included the lyrics to every song and scripture verses of comfort that she felt matched each song.
I have been listening to the CD as often as I can in the last 24 hours and it has both uplifted my heart and helped to provoke the tears that I have needed to cry to heal.
The bible says this in proverbs 25:11 "A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver."
I am so thankful for Tami and her aptly timed words.

Girl Time

2009-12-15T00:00:00.003-06:00

A few days off together is just what we ladies needed. Olivia and I spent last Wednesday and Thursday at home together, playing, resting, and just being.
We made dinner for the boys on Wednesday and got the boys to take us out to dinner on Thursday. We played around, spent the mornings in our PJ's snuggling, cleaned house a little bit, and danced and sang.
Olivia was inquisitive and as independent as ever and managed to climb onto the table and get into my purse, dig a half eaten pudding cup from the trash and get it all over her face and hands( and who knows how much she ate!) and get the stepping stool out from behind the trash can and dragged up to the counter on the other end of the kitchen. This all took place in the matter of one hour. I decided to purge and clean out a few cabinets to keep us busy. the distraction worked and Olivia spent the rest of the day digging cups or bottles out of the large storage totes and carrying them all over the house.Last week I finally packed up all my maternity clothes and put them away, this week, Olivia helped me clean out all the baby bottles and things from the cabinets. I have been holding onto them for the last few months, hoping to put them to use. I have decided that instead of seeing them everytime I opened the cubbard door as a reminder of what we have lost, I will pack them away and rejoice when I finally get to unpack them again.

Currently Reading

2009-12-12T20:30:00.004-06:00

Today I picked up a copy of Firefly Lane By Kristin Hannah

It is a book about the friendship between two girls that spans 3 decades of time and starts in the heart of the 70's during a summer break filled with bikerides down a mostly abandoned road, Firefly Lane.
I am only in the first chapter, but already I am enchanted. The book promises twists and turns, ups and downs, and thus far an unpredictible ending. I look forward to finding out the story of Tully and Kate.

Test results came back today

2009-12-08T22:01:00.000-06:00

We got the tests results done today from the miscarriage. The standard results labeled the miscarriage a missed abortion which means that the baby died in utero but my body continued to carry it or had not miscarried it. We had also requested chromosome testing since this was the second miscarriage in six months and we previously had a baby with Trisomy 13. We would also find out what the babies sex would have been which I think would have been nice to know because I wanted to pick a name for the baby that would be up in heaven with Faith that I could carry in my heart as a reminder of this child that I never met.
The pathology lab was unable to run these tests for us because the samples sent to them did not have enough villi present to run the correct tests. I was very dissapointed by this news.
Cliff says that maybe it is for the best that we can't know. He said maybe it would be harder to know if a chromosome issue had caused the baby to die or to know if it was a little boy or little girl. I suppose he could be right.After all, we knew Faith had trisomy 13 which ultimately caused the complications that led to her death but my heart still has a hundred questions why.and my heart still aches for her.
Either way, knowing or not knowing, I am still incredibly sad and I wonder what could have been with this little one.

Jolly Good Monday

2009-12-07T22:34:00.006-06:00

Today was a GOOD day.

In fact it wasn't just a good day, it was a JOLLY good day.

This could be for many reasons.

It was in fact two people I dearly loves birthday- my dear friend Tami(check out her site by clicking on the picture to the right) and one of my red headed cousin's- Ian. Finally, at many miles overdue, I took Spiffirifica by the dealer and got the oil changed.Last nights cumulative hours of sleep? Wayyyyy more than four! I am finally a little bit rested after my 7 day straight work stretch that originated on Black Friday. Ethan, Olivia, AND my hubby all gave me some sugars before I left for work. Ethan even gave me sugars twice. Seriously folks, I even had time to get a bagel sandwich from the Old School bagel cafe- it was a JOLLY GOOD DAY! Call it another hormone surge or stabilization as my levels continue to return to normal from my miscarriage or call it a series of fortunate events...

Or just call it blessed.

I don't care what you call it- because any way you chalk up today- it was a darn Jolly Good Monday!

Does absence make the heart grow fonder?

2009-12-06T00:09:00.004-06:00

You will have to forgive me for being so absent from my blog. I wonder, with how much time has passed, do I have any readers left?

If not, its okay, I plan to blog away today anyways.

Its been a bit of a rough go of things the last few weeks. I feel like there were so many things to update you on that has been going on in our lives..... fun moments with the kids, comings and goings, and just the spillover of all my thoughts. But, the truth is that no matter how good I thought I was doing with the Miscarriage and D&C, the last few weeks have started to unravel for me and I am left with a stinging heart and empty arms... and this makes me sad... and I have found it incredibly hard to write.
I did really well with things the first week or so after, and to tell you the truth, I think I am doing pretty darn good now........ but that doesnt mean its easy.
I have so many questions in my head. I wonder why this road of conceiving is filled with so much heartache. Would it be easier if I didnt get pregnant instead of miscarrying? I find peace in knowing that these two little ones are in Heaven now with their big sister Faith, so shouldnt that make the hurt less? Will we get to have another baby of our own in our arms? My life is so full, is it even right to long for that?

I know these are tough questions... and honestly these are not questions I expect to find an answer for.
I have decided that the best way that I can cope with this situation is to focus on the blessings that we do have in our life... and to thank God for them everyday and in everyway that I can. I am focusing on trying to be better at being me and being me with a loving and giving heart.
Its not easy- but each day I start again.

And this is how I start over again each day:Today was the day that we went to pick out the stuff for our lifepacks. Each year during the holidays, we pick out a lifepack from Lifechurch( a bag that will go to a needy child) and we fill it for a child that would be the same age as Faith and with things that we would buy for her. This year we included 2 more packs, one for each of the babies we miscarried this year.
It always feels so good to buy the things and to pack the bags full.... and it hurts so much too to think how few opportunities I will have in this life to buy things for my little girl.... and now our other 2 little angels as well. I hope the contents of these bags bless the recieving child in a big way. I hope that their lives are filled with love. I hope that they are safe and warm and cared for this holiday... and most of all I hope they have someone in their life that loves them enough to teach them all about the love of Christ. I pray all of these things in Jesus Name. I would greatly appreciate if you could take a moment to pray for these children with me- whoever they are- where ever they are. Please pray that they grow up in the knowledge that God loves them very much and understand just how important and beloved they are to him. After all, God knows every hair that is upon our heads.

the aching heart

2009-10-20T22:41:00.003-05:00

My dear friend Tami sent me a message today. It said simply, " My heart aches for Angeliyah today." In the moment that I read her words, my heart ached with her. It took a moment for the dull and laborious thud to return to normal in my chest. And as Tami thought about her little girl today, I thought about her little girl too... and since I was thinking about her little girl... I thought about my own little girl.
That's the way it works. Because Tami's journey has been so similar to my own, because many moms has, when they express grief to me, I can understand that grief too. Their story reminds me of my own... their loss and their tears ignite my own loss and my own tears. It intertwines our lives- sharing the connection of losing a child.
I have told you often about Faith. Details here and there about her, our journey, my grief, my thoughts, my heart, our God who has held us through all of this.
Today, let me tell you a little bit about Angeliyah.

Angeliyah Grace, was born at 29 weeks gestation. Her name means Ascending Angel. Her entire life, from conception to death, was shrouded in love. She has an older brother Raife, who loves her very much, and a younger sister Remi that she helped to pick out for Mom and Dad. She also has three siblings that are in heaven with her that never made it to their mom and dads arms. She had six fingers on her right hand... dainty feminine fingers that looked like they were made for her parents to hold. She lived for 32 minutes on earth. She was beautiful and perfect in every way except for the broken heart that was trying to beat in her chest. Her 32 minutes on earth, and the 29 weeks that she was in gestation, created a legacy of love that will continue for many years to come.
To see the beautiful slideshow that helps to tell Angeliyah's story, visit here:
http://www.onetruemedia.com/shared?p=30756b25c28e51a48900e6&skin_id=701&utm_source=otm&utm_medium=text_url

God's Purpose is Forgiveness

2009-10-02T09:18:00.003-05:00

I had a conversation with a friend earlier this week in regards to Forgiveness. It is something I have been struggling with a little bit in one of my relationships. I never thought I was the kind of person to hold a grudge, so I have absolultely learned a lot about myself through this experience.
I have learned that I can harbor resentment, quite easily, and that of the five apology languages,(http://www.amazon.com/Five-Languages-Apology-Experience-Relationships/dp/1881273792/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1254493519&sr=8-1) (from The Five Apology Languages: How to experience Healing in all your relationships, by Gary Chapman) I really need to have someone accept responsibility or repent to move on. Becuase of this, I really latched on to a bible verse I read last week and I shared this in my conversation with my friend. It was in Luke 17:3-4, 3 “Be alert. If you see your friend going wrong, correct him. If he responds, forgive him.4 Even if it’s personal against you and repeated seven times through the day, and seven times he says, ‘I’m sorry, I won’t do it again,’ forgive him.”
My conversation with my friend went something like this:
Me: I just need to call a truce. I should be a bigger person
Friend: Wait, What?
(explanation ensues, discussion about occurrence that is upsetting me, )
Me: " I am just still feeling angry. I don't want to be fickle or resentful. But if they would just acknowledge that they have upset me, I think I could move on. I think I am just a little too judgemental. I am going to pray for my heart to be yielding and not stern. The message version of Luke 17 talks about forgiving a friend that ASKS for forgiveness as many times as they ask it- but what about a friend that does not ask it.?"
Friend: Grace is good! I will pray too. I have thought through that. See, it says we will be forgiven when we forgive, I feel it is better to forgive without being asked. That way the heart is right."

This conversation gave me a lot more to think about. You see, in my heart, I really wanted to be able to hold a grudge until my friend came to me and asked forgiveness. I felt I had a right to be angry until this happened. As hard as it is for me to admit how calloused I was in this situation, I have to confess the truth. As I mentioned sometime last week, I am searching to know who God IS. I am trying to quit looking at myself and who I AM, and to find a better understanding and foundation of who GOD IS. I believe once I know who God is, then who I am will be found in that. I did a search on forgiveness and came across a wonderful study by Baylor University titled " God's Purpose is Forgiveness". The title of this study caught my eye and drew my attention. After all, I have heard that God's purposes are many things... but never simplified into this one statement. Jesus Christ was sent on a mission, which is summed up quite nicely in John 3:16. " For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have ever lasting life." His mission was forgiveness for anyone that would believe in him.
In fact, Jesus was criticized by the pharisee for being forgiving of sins. In Luke 7:49 they said " Who does he think he is, forgiving sins!?!"
Isn't that a great statement of our society today? We are so unforgiving. It is hard to look past the ways we have been wronged. In marriages, friendships, families, experiences shopping, driving on the road. We feel fueled but what we think is a righteous anger- reacting strongly when we have been wronged. We sometimes criticize those that forgive too much, or allow others to hurt them. But maybe all this time I have gotten it wrong?
If God's purpose is forgiveness, shouldn't this be my purpose too?

If you pray for me this week, please pray this one thing: that my heart would be yielding and not stern, and that I could have a heart full of love and forgiveness for my friend without ever being asked for it.

Nehemiah: 9: 16-20 16 "But our ancestors were proud and stubborn, and they paid no attention to your commands.17 They refused to obey and did not remember the miracles you had done for them. Instead, they became stubborn and appointed a leader to take them back to their slavery in Egypt! But you are a God of forgiveness, gracious and merciful, slow to become angry, and rich in unfailing love. You did not abandon them,18 even when they made an idol shaped like a calf and said, `This is your god who brought you out of Egypt!' They committed terrible blasphemies. 19 "But in your great mercy you did not abandon them to die in the wilderness. The pillar of cloud still led them forward by day, and the pillar of fire showed them the way through the night.20 You sent your good Spirit to instruct them, and you did not stop giving them manna from heaven or water for their thirst.

From 0 to 5

2009-10-01T12:52:00.013-05:00

My baby became my little boy and now that little boy is turning into quite the big boy.
My firstborn, my only son, Ethan Brock Carlson, turned five just a few weeks ago.
I remember the day he came to us, a hot day in September in 2004.
I spent the previous day at the hospital, waiting for his cousin Paige to be born. I was worn out by the end of the day from a long wait in the waiting room and the annoying braxton hicks contractions that I was suffering from all afternoon. I collapsed into bed around seven pm.
I got up early that Thursday morning, September 16th, to go to my weekly check up at the doctor's office. I was not due until October 1st(or September 27th- we seemed to beebop between these two dates from appointment to appointment) and my doctor was on his annual visit to his home country, Iran. He had told me not to worry, just don't have the baby early, and he would be back to deliver our baby boy by my Due Date. This seemed like a logical and probable course becuase my cervix had not thinned at all at my last appointment with him and I was not dialated.
Things tend to be unpredictible for our family, and Ethan's arrival was no exception. When I arrived at the Doctors office, Treva, the nurse who had been assisting DR M. for years, took my vitals as usual. She took my blood pressure and frowned and had me lay on my left side a minute. When she took it a second time, she decided it was imperative to go to the labor and delivery unit at Memorial Hospital for monitoring. Cliff and I came to the Doctor's office in seperate vehicles becuase he had been on his way to work and we both took the 3 minute drive to the hospital and hurried inside. Once we were there, they checked me into labor and delivery and within about 1 hour had decided to go ahead and induce labor due to preeclampsia.
We called Cliff's parents and told them the news. After a long day and night of waiting to meet Paige Marie, Cliff's parents were exhausted and were caught a little off guard by the call. After we notified them we called several other friends and family members including Cliff's brother who thought it was a big joke. We assured him it was not, and prepared to meet our son. After a long day of waiting, our substitute physician, Dr B., decided to do a cesarean. I am fairly certain that my "Yes!!!" seemed a little too enthusastic when she asked if I wanted to pursue this option. Needless to say, I was extremely scared of the idea of childbirth, hadn't eaten or had a drink all day, and had a less than favorable ultrasound of Ethan in which he scored a 6 out of 10 on the scale. We waited through the evening for the surgery team to be free, and finally as my blood pressure began to rise even more, an emergency team was called in and they wheeled me down for surgery. Cliff claims that the time he waited for them to come out to get him while they prepped me was the longest wait of his life in which he spent every second ferverently praying.

Our son, Ethan Brock Carlson, was born at 9:50 PM, screaming on the way out. The Surgical Technican told us that Ethan was going to be a "Rock Star" with those lungs. He arrived with a mohawk of blond hair, weighing just 6 lbs( he is still a lightweight), with tired old man eyes( he still looks like an old man when he is sleeping), and with his future awaiting him.
Here is Ethan through the years:

In the Factory

Age: negative 3 months

Age: Zero years, a few hours

Age: 1 year

Age: 2 years

Age: 3 years

Age: 4 years

Age: 5 years

Learning to know Him... the parable of the fig tree

2009-09-22T22:16:00.003-05:00

This week in my daily bible reading something stood out to me.
Since it quirked by interest I have decided to pursue learning more about it with the hopes that it will reveal to me a little bit more about God.
After all, the bible says " You shall seek me and you will find me if you seek me with all your heart."Jeremiah 29:13

The parable is a short one... not followed by much explanation and it goes like this:
Then Jesus told this story: "A man planted a fig tree in his garden and came again and again to see if there was any fruit on it, but he was always disappointed.7 Finally, he said to his gardener, `I've waited three years, and there hasn't been a single fig! Cut it down. It's just taking up space in the garden.' 8 "The gardener answered, `Sir, give it one more chance. Leave it another year, and I'll give it special attention and plenty of fertilizer.9 If we get figs next year, fine. If not, then you can cut it down.'"( from Luke 13)

So what do you think? Who is the gardner in this scenerio? Who is the fig tree? Some say that the gardner is the Holy Spirit who intercedes on our behalf to God(the owner) Some have said that this parable is a story of redemption.... of Christ asking for time from God to redeem us....
The story seems to say to me that God has granted us another chance.... Not indefinite chances of course... but another day, another breath, another moment.
Am I embracing those moments to know him, "to grow" fully and completely?
I hope moving forward that I can.

Fog

2009-09-20T22:27:00.002-05:00

Today as we pulled out of the garage to head to church, I noticed immediately that the air was filled with fog. Not the typical early autumn fog that rolls across the ground, accompaning the frost and leaving a cold wet sheen upon the grass. This was heavy, a pea soup sort of Fog which went in every direction and made driving slow and tedious.
As we got very near to the church I joked to the family "What happened to the church!? It is gone!" Indeed, the fog was so thick that we could not see the building of which drive we had just turned upon. Ethan grew upset immediately and started to cry. Quickly, Cliff calmed him down and told him it was a joke and as we drew nearer to the parking lot you could densely see the outline of the large building. Ethan caught on quickly and to express his relief or perhaps to cover is gullibility, he began to joke aloud over and over that someone had hidden the church. This joking went on until we were all unloaded and in the building.
Through much of my life, I have felt like this fog. I have struggled to know WHO I am, how the world sees me, what I am about. More so than even this, I have struggled with seeing clearly who I am in Christ and how the picture of serving Him with My life has fit together. It suddenly became clear to me as I sat quietly listening to the message- that it does not matter WHO I am... all the matter is that I know who HE is. The key to growing closer to God, to finding direction in serving Him, is learning who he is. The rest he will make clear to me over time. Life is Fog, but Christ- he is our lighthouse, our becon of light, and it is through knowing him that we can truly see life and who we are, as his children.
Throughout the first experience while we served and into the second experience as Cliff and I sat in the main hall watching the message, I thought about God and my relationship with Him and how I relate to him. In the last month or two I have felt adrift. Not in my faith that He is real, but in my interactions with Him, in my commitment to spend time seeking Him. I have been drifting through my recent days with half hearted attempts at growing closer to him. And in the most recent days, I have felt that adriftness. I know the key to growing closer with him is seeking Him, searching him out, learning about him.
This is my quest in the coming days and weeks and I hope that you can each help me with this quest. I don't want to make another half hearted attempt. I want to be earnest, consistent, committed to growing closer to him. Dear Reader, could you please help to encourage me in this? Would you consider emailing me (mdmoltsau@hotmail.com) in the next few weeks to check in on this quest, sending me encouragement in seeking him, and sharing with me ways or tools that have helped you come to know him. Scriptures that speak to your heart, stories of times when he has spoken to you?
All my life I have sought to know WHO I am- now it is time to focus on WHO He is..... and my hope is that the former will fall into place in doing so.

Olivia, Me, and a Lazy Day

2009-09-18T13:03:00.004-05:00

I am home from work today, and making the most of my time with Olivia. We have nothing planned to do today and it feels GREAT! We took a trip outdoors for a few minutes to play, even though it is still a little muddy and wet from the rain earlier in the week. Trying for a good mother/daughter portrait. She was more interested in playing.

Chasing Bayer. This is the first time I have seen her run without her "jet wings" to balance her

Just a moment please..........

2009-09-18T12:50:00.003-05:00

Last weekend was a whirlwind weekend for me which started at the Sugarland Outdoor Zooamphitheater Concert Event in Oklahoma City. I was working the event at the US Cellular tent, taking free photos of fans which we printed out on the spot. It is quite a treat to see so many happy, excited people and to get to take a photo to help them commemorate the event.
I was happily snapping away and stepped away from a group of ladies to print out their portrait. As I waited for my picture to come out of the photo maker, I saw a wonderful picture come out just ahead of mine of a silly little girl with wild blond pigtails, Lisa Loeb type glasses, smiling empishly in a pink polkadoted dress and rain boots. She was definitely a ham! I smiled to myself and handed off the pictures I had printed to the eagerly waiting Sugarland fans and turned my attention to the little girl in polka dots.
It was just a moment, but it changed the atmosphere of the whole night. As I watched her with her family, my breath caught in my throat. She was there with her mom and dad, and a little sister who was in a matching polka dotted dressed and pearched gingerly on her daddy's shoulders. She had tiny little pigtail buns in her equally blond hair and it took only a moments glance to see that she was the more graceful, dainty sister. What a pair they made.
I had to remind myself to breath as I thought of my own two little girls, the 14 month old goofy girl I have here on earth, and her 26 month old sister, a graceful little angel in heaven. What would they look like in matching dresses? A fragile red head with curly hair and pale skin, and her brown haired, olive skinned, sturdy comedian sister in tow?My heart constricted and I excused myself to the bathroom(port-o-potty) before I began to cry.
I have been thinking of the two girls ever since... and trying to imagine my own ... together, in matching sister dresses.

First Day of School

2009-09-18T12:12:00.000-05:00

Ethan headed off to school at the end of the summer. It has been a new and exciting experience for all of us. He is adjusting well and learning new things everyday.

Labor Day Fun

2009-09-10T12:16:00.001-05:00

On Labor day, Cliff and I were both off and enjoyed some much needed time together as a family, just hanging out. Ethan and I got out his linkadoos which he got for his birthday the day before and made a few fun animals. See if you can guess what they are. Our linkadoo pets

Horsing around in the living room

Olivia, Daddy, and Ethan( still in PJ's just like mom)

Birthday Party Bonanza!

2009-09-10T11:20:00.005-05:00

Over Labor Day weekend we had a visit from Grandpa Owl and Grandma Angie from Louisiana. Since they were in town, we decided to have Ethan's birthday party since they rarely get to make events like that due to the distance.

Sema, holding up what is left of the Optimus Prime Penata. He didn't stand a chance!

The Dinosaur cake. Ethan just wanted to play with the figurines..............

Emily and Sema

Lauren and Joselyn
Kylye is determined to keep up with the big kids

Sam is soaked!

Susan and Jaxon, also soaked!

The battle is on!
About to open presents

Ethan opening Presents

Papa Dave and Olivia. The kids wore her out!

Ethan after the water fight

My Daddy, Alan Wayne, and my other mother, Mama Angie

Grandpa Owl and Olivia( I think she is trying to squirm down, hence that face she is making)

Weekend Visitors

2009-09-01T11:00:00.000-05:00

Over the last weekend in August we had a very pleasant visit with Papa David's cousins from New Hampshire. Cousin Jimmy and his wife Karen came up on Sunday and we enjoyed a stroll @ Theta Pond followed by dinner at Hideaway Pizza and ice cream from Marble Slab Creamery.
The kids really enjoyed the visit and it was a beautiful day to be outside. They brought a small present for each of the kids, including a teddy bear windchime for Faith's garden. This touched my heart very much that they were so thoughtful as to not leave her out. On Sunday,even though she wasn't with us- I FELT like a mom of three kids- and that was a wonderful feeling.

Ethan, playing at Theta Pond. It seems that transformer did not leave his hands.

Cliff's parents, David and Maureen, and Cousin Jimmy and Karen

Karen, with one of the Orange Hibiscus flowers from the Campus Garden tucked behind her ear.

Mimi Maureen, Papa David, and Cliff

The Carlson Men: David, Cliff's older brother brother Dael, and Cliff

Uncle Dael and Ethan

Me and Olivia

Maureen and her look alike: Olivia

Blessings from our Hail storm

2009-09-01T10:44:00.003-05:00

As many of you loyal readers know, in June we suffered quite a hail storm here. It was enough to break windshields and windows out of cars around town and it totaled our roof.

We experienced quite a stressful moment when we discovered that our home owners insurance did not have total roof replacement in the clause but offered us a " depreciated cash value". This meant that our share of the roof replacement was going to be several thousand dollars. Yikes.
I wasn't sure how we would manage to come up with this sum of money without using a credit card( which we have been working for 18 months to eradicate completely).
As always, God has a way of providing that we cant imagine or comprehend- and we found a way to pay cash for our share of the repairs without using a credit card or taking out a loan. What a wonderful feeling it was to have that heavy burden of finance lifted from our shoulders.
The blessing from our hail storm of course, is that we have a stronger, more beautiful roof above our heads.
Now we just need to repaint the outside and trim up our hedges!

Here is a before picture:

And here is after:

Olivia's Birthday Party

2009-08-24T23:57:00.004-05:00

cousins, Ethan, and grandma Lou

Yeah, she was hyper after this

before she dug in

With Daddy, opening gifts. He did not have to show her how to do this! She just dug right in!

Ethan and Cousin Paige

Cousin Cole

birthday girl!

the first day of school

2009-08-20T22:47:00.000-05:00

It was our Oldest Ethan's first day of school today. We were all anxious as we piled into the car to drive him over to the school building. Ethan himself was a little grumpy, an outward cover for his inner nerves. As we pulled up to the school it was raining and we parked as quickly as we could and scurried through the steady rain to the single story brick building. Ethan bobbed and weaved in his camaflauge raincoat just in front of us as we ran down the path and Olivia put her hands into the air, palm up, to catch as many droplets as she could.We waited at the cafeteria door to get buzzed in as Ethan will participate in the before and after school program in leui of going to a day car center before and after classes.When we got into the cafeteria, all the other children were coloring or playing games at the tables. Ethan was too shy to walk over himself, so i offered to hold his hand and walk him over to a table. Cliff held onto the little ones while I walked with Ethan to the tables and he finally settled on joining a group of children that were building with legos. He turned and gave me a big hug and then sat at the table and didn't give me a second glance. Then I took a turn holding the baby so that Cliff could walk over and say a few words to Ethan and take a first day photo before we left.Olivia was totally enraptured with all the kids and the bustle of activity and very quietly looked around at the room.Faith was a buzz of activity, her red curls flying behind her as she tried to dart between the tables as only a two year old can do.......except that Faith wasn't part of this family moment with us... not physcially anyways... just the bit of her I carry around in my heart.After we dropped Ethan off I decided I wasnt ready to go in to work, even though I had a strategy meeting in the Metro. Cliff, Olivia, and I went to breakfast and talked about what we thought Ethan's first day would be like.I teared up a few times as I talked about how proud I am of my growing boy and how anxious I was for him to enjoy school and make friends.I dropped Cliff and Olivia at home and hit the road for Oklahoma City and it was along the way that I really began to cry....only, I wasnt crying for my little boy who was starting school... I was crying for my little girl who didnt get to experience that moment with us... for my little girl that would never have a first day of school of her own. Crying my eyes out for my little shadow, Faith Constance, who overshadows every event in our lives. Everything and anything STILL relates back to her and her absence.I try not to let myself wonder too often what all these firsts would have been like for her becuase it hurts so much in the most tender place of my heart. I am not angry she is gone, just sad not to know her better, hold her longer, see her grow and change and become a little person. The hardest moments are the happiest moments. The moments I am joyous for my other children, the moments we gather as a family and make memories..but memories without her.I wonder to myself... does this bittersweet feeling every change?And I think the answer is probably no. For every beaming smile and belly laugh, there will be moments later to come that include a tear, a dull ache.Life is bittersweet.

-Micayla, mom to faith, 9 days old on earth, 2 years old in heaven,and growing up in my heart

Gain vs. Loss

2009-08-06T23:15:00.005-05:00

We got into an interesting discussing during work yesterday. I was attending a training class in Oklahoma City about coaching and we were talking about conversations that we have to have about good or bad behavior.
The question was raised, " Do we learn more from a loss conversation or a gain? Or can we learn from a loss conversation as much as a gain conversation?" In other words, do we learn more when we are told what we are doing right or experiencing praise, or do we learn more from failures or being told what we do wrong. Or do we learn from them both?
At first, the answer seemed obvious- we learn best from being praised or told what we do right. But it only took me a moment to see the truth for myself.
Yes I can learn from them both, but the truth is that I think I learn more from a loss. After all, when I look back over my career- some of the moments that I can state that I learned the most are the moments that were difficult situations or interactions. I learned more about communication and professionalism from one conversation with a co-worker that turned sour and out of control than I ever learned from hundreds of happy conversations. I can say that I learned way more about driving on the ice the day I slide my T-bird into the ditch than I ever learned from lectures and directions time and again from my stepfather during our Oklahoma winter storms. And who could forget the time I busted open my head while on vacation at Turner Falls after my Father told me repeatedly not to run on the slick pavement at the top of the hill? It was becuase of that moment in time that I learned to listen and obey my Father's voice and instruction.
And one would think after all this time that I could apply these earthly lessons and learn to listen and obey my Heavenly Father's voice.
And at times I think I am finally learning.
I am not saying that a loss is easy or even wanted.... but when I look back over my life, I see that God has taught me so much more, changed me in more extravagent ways, through loss. With that glaring reality staring me in the face, I have to ask myself " Why then would I believe that I should be exempt from loss?" If loss is part of what shapes me into being a more loving, compassionate, wiser person- a person who seeks to know the heart of God more after these experiences- can I dare to say that I want my life to be absent of loss?
I dont want for it becuase it is an incredibly painful experience, but can I say that there is not loss without gain?
What about you? Do you learn from loss...... or gain......... or both?

A newer new Normal

2009-07-28T22:41:00.003-05:00

"Glory Baby, You slipped away As fast as we could say baby, baby. You were growing, what happened Dear,You disappeared on us baby, baby. Heaven will hold you before we do Heaven will keep you safe Until we're home with you, Until we're home with you" Glory Baby- By Watermark.

I was only 5 to 6 weeks pregnant when I miscarried. It was going to be our fourth child. We had already lost a daughter at 9 days old to Trisomy 13. We were not planning for the pregnancy but felt blessed, hopeful, and a little timid none the less.
I was worried what people might think about me being pregnant for three years in a row. I thought maybe we were a little bit crazy to have another child so soon.... and yet I still felt so happy and blessed.
I was getting ready for work in the morning when it happened. I noticed a little bit of bleeding. I got very scared and very sad in the matter of seconds and I had a good guess of what was going to occur. The truth is that I didn't think it could happen to me. I thought that surely, since I had already had one child die, I wouldn't lose a baby to a miscarriage.... a baby I would never get to see or hold in my arms. I just though my body was so tough it would carry a baby, no matter how sick, because it had already carried Faith with Trisomy 13.
It is silly to make assumptions. Experiencing one tragedy does not exempt us in life from another.
I chose natural miscarriage over medical management and it took a month to complete. During that entire month I retreated into my shell. I just didn't feel like myself. I was fairly successful at putting on a face and even convincing myself at times that it was fine and didn't affect me much but it was incredibly difficult.
I cried out to God during this time and he heard my cries. Slowly, God repaired my body and then he repaired my heart. I slowly came out of my fog and began to feel normal again. It is a new normal now. The normal of a woman with two scars on her heart, one for each of her children that is not here to be held in her arms.

The Terrible Two's

2009-07-23T22:26:00.007-05:00

My sweet, beautiful, darling daughter Olivia recently turned one. For the first 10 months of her life she was laid back, calm, loving, and absolutely an easy baby.
One day that all changed.
It started with an insert of independence into our normal daily routine. She flipped over at a diaper change. Gradually, she began to flip over at each diaper change. Then she started flipping over and trying to crawl away. Then she began to twist and pout and try with all her might to get away at each diaper change, rolling over again and again. It is a miracle that her diaper even gets fastened sometimes.
She has found other ways to try to insist on her independence from refusing to allow us to dress her to fighting us as we brush her hair or put on her shoes( which end up kicked off somewhere in the house, the car, the ground, the store, who KNOWS where she will toss them next!) She throws all out temper tantrums - throwing her body backwards onto the ground, arching her back, and stamping her little feet into the ground. She has this last move down to a science and it is no longer a left foot/right foot alternation. She lifts both legs high into the air and slams them down to the ground at the same time. I swear I once saw the move on the WWF. It is a move that would make Hulk Hogan proud.
Honestly, I dont know where this child came from!

But yet I do.

You see, for all the things that Olivia insists on doing herself or doing her way... none of them are things that she has the skill or capacity to do herself right now. Yes, she could manage to get a cherrio from the high chair to her mouth but she can't get the cereal from the cabinet, she can't change her own diaper(she couldnt even open the diaper cream lid!) She can't dress herself, comb her hair, put on her shoes, or even walk well for that matter( I just know someday soon she is going to get that one down! Please! Walk!!!!) Olivia is trying so hard to do life HER way and yet, she could not successfully sustain life that way. And I can see a reflection of myself in her behavior, spiritually speaking.

She is absolutely and positively on the beginning edge of what many affectionately refer to as the terrible twos. As I watch her act out and think about her behavior, I cant help but ponder at what point in my life I went through the terrible twos with God, spiritually speaking. I would like to think I am past that point in my life and have matured enough spiritually that I dont act out in such a childish manner. But some days, I may be wrong about that assumption. I still have days that I try to be so self driven and independent of outside direction(even from God) and I havent seemed to learn that I cant survive independently without God in my life.
I have to ask myself- am I in my spiritual terrible twos? And can I ever outgrow them?

The Soundtrack of Life

2009-07-20T22:52:00.005-05:00

I love music.

I love the beat of it, the melody of it, the elaborate composition that creates a song or a piece. I love the way so many instruments and notes can come together and make a harmonious sound. And I love the simplicity of it too.... the delicate shivers I can receive from just one lone fine note.(insert image of a single harmonica note played at a campfire in the desert at night)
I love the way it can make me feel as happy as a lark... and as alone as the nightingale.

Music helps me to stimulate thought and to slow down my thinking when there is too much going on in my head. It has been my constant companion over the last three years during my long commutes. It has helped me to delight in old memories, get pumped up for a long day, and remember and grieve for my daughter. Music has been a release for me like no other in recent months.

There is just something about just the right song isn't there? You know... THE song. The one that you have been listening to on your radio( or Ipod for you technologically savvy folks) over and over again in the last few weeks. It does something, touches an emotion or thought somewhere inside us.
For me, it makes me feel alive.
It also helps me to connect deeply at times with our Savior.
I can lift up my voice and my vulnerable heart to God with the loudest song or softest whisper... and as the music pours over me I know that He is listening.
And sometimes in the song.....He is speaking.

As often as I stumble upon a new song that quickly gets added to my playlist, I am just as often seeking out songs that I have heard in the past and know I will love..... and secretly adding them to my own personal playlist... you know.... The Soundtrack of my life.
I am not ashamed to admit that I will often (and I do mean often becuase I spend hours upon hours in the car with the radio and my ipod:) hear a new song or an old song and have an Aha! moment as to how that song will fit into or define my life. The writer in me is always dying to tell a story( even an average one, tsk, tsk) and is always looking for ways to accent and articulate the essence of the story. Sometimes, when I hear a song I know just the moment or memory in my life that it will define.
The Soundtrack of my life is an ever evolving list. I dont think that it will ever stop growing or changing.
And this is the beauty of it.
There is always another moment of life to create and always another song to define it.

My Life soundtrack includes songs from Creedence Clearwater Revival, MercyMe, Caedmon's Call, Dixie Chicks, and Aerosmith to name a few... there might even be a song in there from New Kids on the Block. :)

Do you have a soundtrack to your life? And if so, what is it?

I love my..............

2009-07-17T11:35:00.004-05:00

I love my...........

Ed Hardy Perfume!

One of the ladies I work with on occasion has a habit of spraying perfume on in the back of the store just before her shift starts. This week, for the second time, I caught a wiff of Ed Hardy perfume.
Let me preface this to say that I am not much of a perfume gal. It is really hard to find scents that work well with my chemical makeup that don't end up smelling too floral or "old ladyish".
My last perfume favorite prior to 2009 was Tribu in 1994. I tend to stick with body sprays from Bath and Body Works.
Once I caught my second wiff of the Ed Hardy Perfume I was hooked! I thought about it all week and while I was in the city yesterday I took a detour by the mall to get some Godiva Chocolate truffles( my favorite) and stopped by the Lancome counter at Macy's. I don't get out much. Really. Not for myself anyways, so this was a very nice treat. As I was ringing up my Mascara, I asked the cashier if she could sell me a bottle of perfume at her counter or if I needed to visit that counter when we were done. She was more than happy to do so and escorted me over to the Ed Hardy fragrances. We both tried out the scents and oohed and awwed over which of our arms smelled better. I settled on the Love & Luck. I LOVE IT!!!!!!!
Just a few months back I discovered another perfume that I also fell in love with while shopping for a mothers day gift for my MIL.
Its called Unconditional Love by Philosophy ( it was next to a perfume named Grace which is what drew my attention in the first place.) It is a sweeter fragrance than Ed Hardy, but just as delicious.
It would seem that 2009 is my year to smell good :) I know that will make my co workers happy when we are working in close proximity .

Letter to my Daughter

2009-07-12T22:04:00.000-05:00

Dearest Faith,

How hard it is to believe that it has been 2 years since I held you in my arms and told you goodbye. I can still remember what your soft silky skin felt like. You were so tiny I could cup your whole body in my hands. I used to rest one palm on your curled up feet or bottom and the other across your chest and ribs. It was the closest I was allowed to get to craddling you in my arms while you were on the ventilator. I would sing to you every song I could think of and you would relax at the sound of my voice. You especially liked to hold onto your daddy's finger tip- your little grip on him was so slight, but as tight as could be.
On the day you died I could tell that you were so tired. So very very tired. I knew in my heart that it was time for you to go but my heart was breaking that it was so.
Your daddy and I cradled you in our arms as you drifted away. We whispered in your ear how much we loved you, kissed your cheeks, your eyes, your little tiny chin.( just like dad, you had that stubborn chin)
You departed so softly and quietly, as if you were tiptoed up to heaven.

I still wonder everyday what life would be like if you were here. I am often asked by people I meet how many children I have and I never hesitate to mention all three of my children- the two that are here on earth and my tiny red headed angel that lives with God in heaven.
We talk about you all the time in our home. Ethan asks questions about you and your life and death. He tells me that he wishes he could see you. Each night when we say our prayers we thank God for you.
I do thank God for you. I thank God for choosing me to be your mom and for allowing me to be the one to care for you for the few days you were here. I thank God for allowing me to shelter you in my womb until it was time for you to be born. I will continue to carry you in heart, wherever I go, whatever I do.

I love you my sweet girl.
Yours forever and ever,
Mommy

Happy Birthday Olivia!!!!!

2009-07-09T21:43:00.001-05:00

We celebrated Olivia's 1st birthday today!!! We took a trip to Oklahoma City to have her one year portraits done( they look gorgeous! can't wait to get them in and post) and to check out the lego store.

Thursday evening Olivia had her very first cake!!!! She opened a few presents from Mommy, Daddy, Ethan, and Grandma.

It is so hard to believe that one year has already passed!!!!

Happy Birthday O, Livie, Livia, Liv, Livers, my Toothy Ruthy, Olive Juice, Missy Moo, Sis, Olivia Lou!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What is this?
Check it out
This is pretty cool!

She dug a hole in the middle of the cake

That was fun! What's next????

we lift our eyes to the heavens

2009-07-03T21:28:00.000-05:00

"I see Your face in every sunriseThe colors of the morning are inside Your eyesThe world awakens in the light of the dayI look up to the sky and say You’re beautiful" Beautiful, Phil Wickham

We celebrated Faith's birthday this year with dignity and grace. Two years ago, on this day, she entered the world with a kittens cry announcing her arrival. She was a tiny thing, 3 lbs, 2 oz, 14 inches long.

We were joined by a few family and friends and had cake in her memory and retreated to her garden in the front yard at Twilight to sing Happy Birthday as we lifted up sparklers towards Heaven to salute her.

We love you baby girl! Happy birthday! You are beautiful!!!

Happy Birthday Faith!!!

2009-07-03T00:01:00.000-05:00

Today is Faith's second birthday. We will be doing a few special things to remember and celebrate her life today.

Here are two letters for Faith from her Grandpa Al and Grandma Angie which they sent to me on Thursday to make sure we got them in time for Faith's special day.

Dear Faith,

On this special day as we all gather together to celebrate your Birthday I want you to know that I miss you very much...We know that someday we will be together again as our walk in this life comes to an end. Yours was just allot shorter than ours. I just want you to know that you are a very special gift from God and being able to be with you has impacted my life in so many ways. I know that you are with Jesus and the Angels and they are taking very good care of you. I remember holding your tiny little hand and I rember how hard you fought to stay with us. Baby Faith Happy Birthday. I love you and miss you sweety. We will be togather some day..I love you so much!!!Grampa Owl

Dear Faith,

I remember so vividly the day you were born. There were so many family members and friends at the hospital that we had our own waiting room. Everyone was so excited we could hardly wait for you to be brought into this world. And then we got the wonderful news, you were here and you were breathing on your own. We all clapped and were hugging each other and thanking the good Lord above for you. One by one we all got to finally see your sweet little face. You were so beautiful. You had the tiniest little fingers and toes. For the next 9 days mommy and daddy never left you and family and friends came to visit with you. We did not want to let you go but Jesus needed a sweet beautiful angel. Faith you are forever in my heart and I wish you a happy birthday. I love you very much.Grandma Angie

Hiatus

2009-07-02T07:26:00.003-05:00

err..............Vacation:). Cliff and I started our vacation today and will not be returning to work until July 14th! During our time on Hiatus from our normal routine we will celebrate Faiths Birthday, Celebrate Olivia's Birthday, have a garage sale, take a trip to Tulsa, experience Faith's angel date, and of course spend lots of time with the kids and each other.

A Weekend Full of Merriment

2009-06-28T21:40:00.003-05:00

We are back! It was a whirlwind weekend full of activities but it was oh so much fun!
We started off on our journey about 730 am on Saturday morning and it was non stop all the way!

First, we took the kids to Elizabeth's first birthday party. The theme was Beach Party Fun! and the kids played outside in the kiddie pools and in the sprinkler while mom and dad sweated it out( 11 am and it was nearing 100 degrees!), after this we met up with My old school friend, Amanda and her Hubby Nate and their new baby boy, Luke.
Then we met up with Cliffs parents, sister, and her kids for dinner at the Outback which we had not been to in ages. It was Fair Dinkum, Mate! We got a wild hair after dinner and decided to take a trip out on Hwy 7 to the Fireworks Warehouse. We got to take all four of the kids in our car for the trip out there which was so fun! It felt so good to finally have the Pacifica filled up with kids, even if it was just for an hour. Between the three families we loaded up on some pretty awesome fire works and then headed back to Mimi and Papa Carlson's house, at the Redbud Ranch, and set up for a firework show in the back pasture right after dark.
We stayed out until about 1130 watching fireworks and enjoying the show that Papa and Cliff put on for us, then we hit the hay!

We met up with all the Carlson's again for brunch at Cracker Barrel in town and then Cliff, Olivia, and I hit the road for home. Ethan is staying over until Friday, Faith's birthday, and then Mimi and Papa will drive him home.
Here are a few pics of the kids and their cousins- enjoy!

Blogging From The Road

2009-06-27T09:49:00.004-05:00

I am testing out Blogger from the road. Currently the family and I are on our way to Lawton for a birthday party that starts in approximately 10 minutes. We left about 30 minutes behind schedule at 730am. Approximately 3 pitstops( edit, make that 4 and a comment from my hubby as we leave the rest stop as the car gains momentum" Ha, now its like we are leaving the pit stop and headed back into the race!"), two tolls, and a crying baby will set us back to an arrival time of 1030 am. So three hours on the road is not too shabby! I am of course enjoying my new shades in this bright Oklahoma sun, Ethan is listening to his MP3 player, Olivia is on her second bottle, and Cliff's ipod is in tow and playing to make up for my faulty one(if u missed my rant on facebook yesterday- me and my ipod may be breaking up and are currently discussing a trial seperation)
I took so photos of the kids in the car but am not sure I can post them from the Blogger mobile site on my Blackberry.
Stay Tuned!

Thanks My Love!

2009-06-25T22:30:00.004-05:00

My dearest Hubba Hubba Hubby got me a present today!

Here is a pic of me in the Oakley Felon's He ordered in for me.

They came in today and it made me very happy to wear them while I commuted in that scorching Oklahoma sun. The last time I bought sunglasses was four years ago during summer league softball, so I was overdue.

Life is not measured by the amount of breaths you take but the moments that take your breath away

2009-06-24T07:37:00.007-05:00

Its true. I've heard this saying many times. Its a beautiful saying.
Life is not measured by me in breaths or days or weeks or years... but by the landmarks, the events, the moments that take my breath away. The funny thing about that saying, is that when I often hear it, people are referring to the joyful events.... but there are sorrowful and difficult moments that take our breath away, that change us, that mold us.... Events that we measure the rest of our life with.
My life is filled with moments that take my breath away............

Memories with Good friends

My parents divorced

Getting my first car

My First Job

Graduating High School

Going to College

Falling in love

Getting married

Buying our first home

Having our first child

A promotion at work

Moving to a new town

Recieving Faith's diagnosis of T13

Meeting her after she defied the odds

Holding my child in my arms as she died

Having another daughter!

Experiencing a miscarriage

Creating a blog( yes the blog made the list!)

Its like Christmas in June!

2009-06-22T21:36:00.004-05:00

Today I got an espresso maker! Now, before you jump to any conclusions about my spending habits.. let me just say I am a little too frugal to splurge on one of these no matter how much I want one.
My new drink of choice is a Skinny Caramel Latte iced. I have had them at Starbucks on a few rare occasions and love them! Not wanting to spend the green at Starbucks I have given in to a splurge on the McDonalds Iced Caramel coffee a few times a week. At 1.69 a pop- this is still alittle more than I want to spend when I could make it cheaply myself.
I got the FF Caramel syrup that I need for the recipe but couldnt make it work with regular coffee.... I was determined to keep trying and I asked my mom an easy way to steep my milk without a magical expresso machine.
My moms simple solution was to offer me her espresso maker. At first I declined as I am timid to do anything that would look like taking advantage of my mom.... but when I went over to her house tonight and saw that it was GASP! gathering dust...........I decided to take her up on the offer. Afterall, she offered. I didnt ask for it.
It is now sitting in my kitchen... and I am greatly anticipating my iced caramel skinny latte in the morning....

Now if I could just get over this excitment and get to sleep.

I might really need that espresso in the morning after all.

To Coffee!! ( raises mug)

Happy Father's Day

2009-06-21T20:01:00.002-05:00

To a Father who has won my admiration, love, devotion, and belief. You are an amazing father!

Strange Month, this June

2009-06-19T20:28:00.001-05:00

Faith Constance Carlson
Olivia Grace Carlson

June is a strange month for me. It is a mixture of joy and sorrow. It is a month of anticipation.
Two years ago, on this day, the 19th of June, I wrote an update on Faith( on the LWT13 site) and how close we were to meeting her, just weeks away. The Dr. had placed me on bed rest on June 15 2007. The last two weeks of June I waited. I wondered and cried, worried and prayed, prayed and cried, called out to God on a daily basis for strength and endurance... and mercy and relief.
Just one year later, On June 15 2008 I was placed on bed rest a second time.... this time due to early contractions in my pregnancy with Olivia.
The second summer, during the last 2 weeks in June, I rested and prayed, worried and waited, hoped and prayed some more. I thought about the new life that God was delivering into our lives and about the short life of our daughter Faith who God delivered to us just one year before. It was a time of great anticipation and excitment, and it was a time of excruciating grief and loss.
This year is a little different as I am not pregnant and not on bed rest, but I find myself thinking and hoping, praying and crying, remembering and rejoicing.
This June, as we near Faith and Olivias birthdays, I rejoice in the lives of my precious girls.... I remember the few significant moments that God blessed us with Faith's life... and I recount the joy I experienced when God blessed us with Olivia's life- who arrived smack in the middle of Faith's birthday and Angel day.
When I think of the month of June and I look back over the last 2 years, I see a marvelous pattern forming with my God. During the time that my heart hurts the hardest, he is reconciling me to Him. He draws me close in a tight embrace at the time I need him most.
With all the angst and sorrow of June, I thank God for this time to sit with Him awhile.

To close, I will share Joshua 1:9. This is the first scripture verse that our son Ethan has memorized. It was taught to him at church and he has been practicing all month. How endearing it is to hear him recite this passage to me this month.
" Do not be afraid, or discouraged, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."

"I'm an Okie from Muskogee"

2009-06-19T09:40:00.005-05:00

Ethan on a camel, during our weekend trip

Thanks to Merle Haggard for making Muskogee Oklahoma Famous with that memorable song!

I am not really an Okie from Muskogee but my brother is- and my dad's side of the family all live there.

Growing up, we would visit often. We spent a week or two every summer with Aunt Peggy or Aunt Lori, our crazy red headed cousins( only half are red headed- but that is plenty enough of the crazy reds!) or Grandma Diane. Muskogee is like a second home away from home for me and it holds lots of fond memories.

This last weekend, we got to return to Muskogee with the kids for my Uncle J.B.'s 50th surprise birthday party.
We stayed over in Muskogee at a hotel which Ethan thought was just the coolest thing EVER. I know this becuase he told us multiple times " This is the best day EVER!"

Things went pretty smoothly with the kids on the trip although I did catch Ethan trying to pee on his cousin John Bailey in the playhouse during swim time. Before I could get on to Ethan much for this, I was informed that John Bailey did in fact pee on Ethan first . I was all set to get on to Ethan anyways when Cliff advised me that there are certain things a boy just has to do in those situations. Huh. Another one of those guy things that I didnt know or understand.
Sunday morning we woke up and headed to the Tulsa Zoo, followed by a trip to the mall before heading home.
The kids really enjoyed the zoo and Ethan decided that Sunday, rather than Saturday was " the best day EVER ever!"

Here are a few pictures from our weekend trip:

Ethan at the Hotel

Olivia finally going to sleep at the hotel
A picture from inside the tunnel on the zoo train

Cliff and Olivia on the train

Ethan, right before the train started to go

See, everyone congregates around the air conditioner during Oklahoma summers, even the penguins!

One of the Flamingos. We liked watching them go to sleep by sticking their head in their back feathers

crazy week and April rose update

2009-06-15T16:48:00.000-05:00

Its going to be a crazy week for me and I am not sure if I will get time to update as I will be spending part of the week out of town for work.
But I did want to jump on very quickly to mention an update about the April Rose situation and mention a few points about it.
I want to thank those of you that emailed or reached out to me after my last post to ensure that I was in the loop on the situation and to see how I was taking that. Thank you. Your friendship, your concern, and your active participation in my life means a lot to me.
I have been following the story of April Rose and the latest findings in this scam. It has been upsetting to me at some turns but the truth of the matter is that 1.I am very relieved to find out that there is not really another baby with Trisomy 13 whose health conditions are so bad that she will die.I rejoice in life. Every moment and every breath of life is precious and to find out that there is NOT a baby whose life is cut so short... this brings me a giant sigh of relief.
2. I am thankful for the publicity for Trisomy 13 and hope that there will be more people educated about it and able in their lifetimes to be a support to someone who has or has had a child with it.( The publicity is thanks in part to an amazing friend of mine who sent an email request to Beccah to get her to direct support to our Trisomy 13 groups page http://www.livingwithtrisomy13.org/) ( which I am so proud of my friend for doing!)

And lastly, 3. I have been frustrated, angry, and slightly obsessed with the story as new updates came out. I am not going to try to wash over this last part by only mentioning the more positive first 2 points. I have been disappointed and at times depressed that someone could take a life experience that is so close to my own heart( and the hearts of many other moms) and exploit it in way that would draw attention to herself. But I will say that Beccah was/is an incredible writer and I would have followed her blog even if she had mentioned it was fiction.... maybe even more so. The things she wrote were things I myself could have thought at the time I was pregnant with Faith.

Hopefully I can update again soon, when I get back into town and settled in with my beautiful family.
I can't wait to update you all about our fabulous weekend trip to Muskogee and Tulsa Oklahoma!

Always,
Micayla

Its not my universe.

2009-06-08T19:08:00.001-05:00

I think Caedmon's Call said it best: " Late at night I wonder, sometimes I wonder why?"
I really wonder sometimes why things happen the way they do... why some days go so smoothly, and bring joy, and others don't.
I wonder why some days nothing will phase me and I experience Joy all the way until I close my eyes to go to sleep.... and why some days are filled with tears and anguish and anxiety deep into the night.
I also wonder why some children grow up big and strong and some children never make it to be born... or why some are only with us 9 days or 32 minutes like my dear friend Tami's daughter Angeliyah.
I wonder why there is so much hate in the world( although I know the answer is the Devil, becuase I know that God is love) but I wonder sometimes why that is even allowed to exist and why some people turn to it so freely while others live their whole lives trying to be good.
Yesterday another trisomy Baby named April Rose was born. She wasnt expected to make it alive to birth, nor live much longer after and yet she is still alive and still hear. Her mom and dad are living minute by minute.... trying to get as much time as they can to know her and love her before her time to part this earth comes. April's mom has been keeping a blog to chronicle the difficult pregnancy ( which can be found in my bloglist) and now becuase of this they are recieving hate mail and even a mutilated first picture of April with devil horns drawn on the image.
This mommy and daddy are struggling through difficult moments- some of the hardest moments in life- and in the midst of that someone or several someones feel the need to try to hurt them and say and do terrible things. It angers me and it saddens me.

Today is three weeks to the day that I started to experience bleeding and my miscarriage began. Since the pregnancy was still very early, it shouldnt have taken my body too long to process things... but now it is three weeks later and I am still experiencing the miscarriage. It is a constant reminder to me all day long of the little baby that I won't get to hold in my arms. I wonder why it is taking so long?
Someone sent me a very thoughtful message today which said that now Faith would have a little brother or sister in heaven with her. This really helped to calm my heart... but it made me sad too..... I wonder why something so comforting can also make me cry.....
Ultimately, all these things going on compound the grief that I still carry around for my little red head. Most days, I am able to walk this earth without questioning, just accepting my course in life with hope for what tommorrow brings.
Today though, like some days, I wonder why things happen the way they do in this universe and I have to remind myself that it is not my universe.

This is God's universe and God does things his way. You may have a better way, but you don't have a universe. - J Vernon McGee

Happy Birthday Beautiful Girl!

2009-06-08T07:10:00.000-05:00

Today is the 2nd birthday of my friend Tami Izzi's beautiful little girl Angeliyah.
Angeliyah was born prematurely on June 8 2007 and lived for 32 minutes all of which were spent held in her Mommy and Daddy's arms.
I am thinking of her and her family today as she celebrates her birthday in heaven. I know it has to be a Heavenly Celebration!!

Happy Heavenly Birthday Angeliyah!!!!!!

To read more about Angeliyah and her family, visit www.livingwithtrisomy13.org/memoriesofAngeliyah.htm or http://www.mtizzi.blogspot.com/

Her story is a courageous one.

Watergun fights!!

2009-06-07T21:15:00.000-05:00

Ethan requested we play outdoors with the watergun and I decided we needed to take it up a notch. While we were at the Store we purchased a few more waterguns and set a date for a watergun fight in the front yard after dinner.

We carried Olivia out in her excersaucer and we were off!

We might have to make this a weekly tradition or have a watergun fight party and invite lots of people over.

Here is Olivia watching the action.

And the boys in action.

Myself......... FINALLY

2009-06-07T21:11:00.001-05:00

Last weekend I finally began to feel like myself again. I don't know what it was that marked the day as different.... but it was. And ever since then, I have felt a little more like myself everyday.
My body is not quite back to normal but it is getting there.
Its good to see you again, Self.

IF the shoe fits........

2009-06-07T21:04:00.001-05:00

Monday May 25th was Cliff and I's seven year anniversary.
To celebrate, we went out the following Monday for a little day date.
On a whim, as I looked in my closet for a pair of heels to wear with my skirt for our date, I decided to wear the same shoes I got married in. I had to take a picture to mark this occasion. there is nothing too special or fancy about the shoes.... just the fact that I was wearing them seven years ago when I pledged my life and my love to Cliff.
Maybe I will start a tradition to wear the shoes every year for our anniverary....

Garden Day

2009-06-07T20:22:00.000-05:00

Back in April on the saturday after Earth Day, we had the second annual Faith Constance Carlson Garden Work Day. Its taken me awhile to get images loaded up- what with Zed suffering from a Computer Coma( also known as Cliff trying to manslaughter the computer with a glass of water- perhaps that is Computerslaughter).
But Here are a few. This year we chose to do some things different. We had a butterfly release ceremony and we also painted garden stones. It felt a little more laid back for me.... but perhaps my emotions were not running quite as high as last year. I was emotional...... but not as emotionally overwelmed as last year.
We had a few repeat visitors, and some new visitors as well. We BBQ'd again and watched the kids play while we planted all the new flowers. Then we followed with the rock painting and finished off with the butterfly release and a short poem.
It really was a beautiful day. The sun was shining, the temperature was just right... and I feel like we did a bang up job in honoring our little girl.

" A Butterfly lights beside us like a sunbeam, and for a brief moment, it's glory and beauty belong to our world. But, then it flies on again, and although we wish it could have stayed, we feel belssed to have seen it."

I love my............magic bullet

2009-06-01T08:05:00.001-05:00

When Ethan was just a baby I decided to try to lose some weight with a system called medifast. It was a crazy idea( which did work by the way but some of the foods were AWFUL) becuase it was a 100% liquid diet. To support me in this venture, I splurged at the time on something called the Magic Bullet.

If you have ever watched an infomercial late at night or perhaps on a Saturday afternoon- chances are that you have seen the infomercial for the magic bullet.
But I have to tell you, its been almost four years that we have had it now and it really is MAGIC! I have made all kinds of wonderful things with it! Sauces, salsa, smoothies, and use it to dice and puree often.
Today I combined my beloved Magic Bullet with another newer favorite product of mine which is the Arbonne Figure 8 Vanilla Protein Powder for shakes.

My recipe is simple:

9 ounces of water

2 scoops of Vanilla Protein Powder

1 frozen banana

1 tablespoon of peanut butter

I dump all this into one of the handy Miracle Blade "Mugs" and pulse it on the bullet 5 times and then I sit down and enjoy its awesome goodness!

Now that is a GREAT way to start the day!

And now I am off to prepare for my 7 year Anniversary Day Date with Cliff.

Round it out

2009-05-31T08:44:00.001-05:00

On Mother's Day, Cliff and I chose to participate as a family in Child Dedications. For whatever reason, we waited until Ethan was almost five years old to do this. We had a prep class the week before and made a family video with all the other families to be shown at church during Dedications. During the prep class, the LifeKids Campus Pastor from Oklahoma City said something that caused a shift in my thinking. I had to stop for a moment to let it sink in. At my work we call these " Aha moments." She said that as parents our job is not to teach our children to be well rounded, but to live a passionate life as fully devoted followers of Christ. Literally, everything in that moment became clearer in my life. I knew that my role as a parent was to teach my children to love and obey God, to help them develop a relationship with Him, to teach them the importance of placing him number one.... but all this time in my children's lives and in my own I have sought to be well rounded. This is in fact the very thing I was taught growing up, the same thing my parents were taught by their parents..... and I realized in that moment what I was striving for and what I was teaching my children was an impossible mission. I breathed a huge sigh of relief. My life had just been simplified, brought into focus, and in the following weeks since then, I feel like things that have been cloudy for months have begun to turn clear.
So what does it mean for me to live a life that is not well rounded but passionate and focused in a few major areas, and ulitimately on Christ and developing a relationship with Him?
The first thing that came to mind when I thought about not being well rounded anymore was the bodybuilder from a movie called " The Lady in the Water." Have you seen it? Its an interesting movie, just like many of M. Night Shamalyn' s movies in which all the small, seemingly insignificant things matter and amount to something glorious in the end. IN this particular film there is a man that only lifts weights on one side of his body. He is incredibly lopsided, but his singular focus ultimately leads to something very important and extraordinary. I want to have a singular focus like him. I want to live a life that is important and extraordinary. I want to be a fully devoted follower of Christ, with a heart beating in tune with His purpose- and I want the same for my kids.
Its new territory for me to quit focusing on being well rounded- to not focus on overall perfection....but it is liberating too. I think maybe I have spent so much time on trying to be well rounded that I have missed a piece of that great mission and purpose that God has for my life. I don't want to miss out anymore. I want to live my part extravagently.

God bless the trees Mrs Brashear

2009-05-30T22:02:00.000-05:00

Last night was the wedding of my dear sweet friend, Emily Boozer- now Emily Brashear. She asked me to help her celebrate this moment in her life by being a bridesmaid in her wedding- a very new experience for me. I have never been in a wedding party, in fact, had just a sliver of a wedding myself, and really didnt understand everything that went into it.
It really was a beautiful evening for an outdoor wedding, which took place in a beautiful backyard garden in Edmond Oklahoma.
I stood with aching feet in my strappy heals, praying to God that my little black dress would stay up, that my skirt would stay down( no worries there, the wind was scarce) and that the sweat running down my spine and between my breasts would not be noticeable to the crowd as I tried to stand as still as a statue dispite the tiny evening nats flying around my face, my back, up my skirt........

and I was humbled and blessed in that moment to listen to a very sweaty Pastor Kurt( or was it Craig?)(I had just met Emily and Tim's Pastor the night before at the rehearsal dinner) talk about love, marriage, commitment, encouragement, forgiveness, trust,........... support.
Suddenly, it was laid out very clear to me in his speech my purpose for being there. To pray for my friend and her new husband, to encourage them to stay united and focused on Christ, to be a support to her as she walked down the road of life with Tim.
Deep down in my heart I knew these things... but until that moment I couldnt manage to be them much more than skin deep. So I was humbled... and prayed ferverently to God for a heart so full of love and support for Emily and Tim that it could not help but to spill out and over into action.
To Emily and Tim- I wish you many, many years of love, laughter, joy, .... and most of all, harmony in Christ.
Last night really was an amazing night!!! Thank you for letting me be a part of it.

Memorial Day

2009-05-26T08:55:00.000-05:00

For Memorial Day( my seven year anniversary with Cliff) we decided to BBQ out on the grill and spend a leasurely day with the kids since I have not been feeling well. We picked up ribeyes and burgers and Mom decided to join us and brought over some shrimp kabobs( ethans very favorite food is shrimp- he will even eat the tail if we dont stop him!)
Ethan was my grilling helper for the day and would accompany me outdoors each time I need to check the charcoal bricks progress. At four and a half he has already learned that he burns super easy and he took it upon himself to put on sunscreen before we went out.( he did this four times!) He got a new bubble sword which he waived around magnificently and really enjoyed digging in the dirt under the pear tree( see the picture to the right)
Cliffs parents decided to drop in for a visit and we all sat down to a lovely dinner about 5 PM. We followed dinner with a visit to the cemetary to Faith's grave to deliver a floral bouquet I made especially for Memorial day. It was really lovely to see all the flowers all over the cemetary from all the memorial day visitors.
After this, Cliff's parents took us to the store to pick out a new grill for our anniversary! We got quite a large grill, with a prep board on either side- so we will have to grill out again soon so everyone can come over!
Olivia and Ethan were both very well behaved all day and really enjoyed the company. Olivia was quite a ham at the dinner table and as soon as she would lose everyones attention she made funny noises or scooted her high chair about to get everyone looking at her again. I thought she was going to be a quiet little girl but I suspect we may have another preformer on our hands. I am not certain what we will do with two of them, but I know we will never be short on laughs!

Rock or Sand

2009-05-24T13:06:00.001-05:00

There is a great lyric in a Jennifer Knapp song( my favorite song right now, Trinity) that goes " Where do I stand on the rock or in the sand?. O' Holy Spirit won't you help me understand Holy spirit won't you say a prayer for me?"
This song really reminds me of a song from long ago. When I was a little girl, my mom taught me this song:
The wise man built his house upon the rock
The wise man built his house upon the rock
The wise man built his house upon the rock
And the rain came tumbling down
Oh, the rain came down
And the floods came up
The rain came down
And the floods came up
The rain came down
And the floods came up
And the wise man's house stood firm.
The foolish man built his house upon the sand
The foolish man built his house upon the sand
The foolish man built his house upon the sand
And the rain came tumbling down
Oh, the rain came down
And the floods came up
The rain came down
And the floods came up
The rain came down
And the floods came up
And the foolish man's house went "splat!" [clap hands once]
So, build your house on the Lord Jesus Christ
Build your house on the Lord Jesus Christ
Build your house on the Lord Jesus Christ
And the blessings will come down
Oh, the blessings come down
As your prayers go up
The blessings come down
As your prayers go up
The blessings come down
As your prayer go up
So build your house on the Lord Jesus Christ.

Its a very repetitive song as you can see, but becuase of that, it still rings in my head at 29 years old. And everytime I listen to Jennifer Knapp I think of this song too.... and I can't help but reflect on my life and where I am headed... but also, what I am building my house upon.
I think its easy to get distracted by many of the attractive things in life. Not just possessions of course, but a way of life, ways of living, ways of acting... its easy for me to want to build my house and the foundations of my relationships and other things in the sand.
But I dont want that deep down, not really, I dont want a house on the sand.
During this refining period I am taking a deep look at myself, looking at my intent, at the life Cliff and I are building..... and I want to make certain that it is not built in the sand, that I am not building a temporary fortress that will wash away when the rains come....
I want a house built on the rock... so that when the rains come they will not wash away but instead will be blessings on our heads.

Adios'

2009-05-24T12:25:00.000-05:00

This weekend, one of my very dearest friends moved away from Stillwater. I have had really mixed feelings about this which I don't think I have done a good job of expressing. I am really sad she is moving. Happy for her to have a change in her life, but sad that it will be that much harder to get together with her. Truthfully, it was already hard enough.
Today, my other closest friend in stillwater, Amy, announced to me that she is moving back home to Marlow. Her dream home came on the market, the older, Victorian Style 3 story one on Main street, and her husband already got a transfer approved at work. I am happy for her. I am! But am sooo sad to finally make a good friend and then see her move. Cliff and I have been in Stillwater now for almost three years and in that time I have found some friends but only a few close friends. I am sensing that this period of my life, this summer, is going to be all about refinement. There is a letting go of the old and in time there will be new transitions. I went through a similar period just two years ago and it was not easy... but the spiritual fruit of that period has been bountiful. I recognize that there is an ebb and flow in life.
Two dear friends of mine are also going through a refinement period I think. One lives thousands of miles away and has had many difficult life changes in the last six months... the other lives just south down the road and is starting a new career this week. I think its interesting and a bit comforting that God is taking them through a refining period at the same time. I hope that the result of this is a strengthening of our relationships.... and spiritual encouragement.
Its strange that i am not the one moving, and yet it feels as though God is packing up some of the things of my heart and shoving them into a U-Haul for a long journey.....
I only have one request and that is a pit stop at Sonic for a drink for the road!

The Strange One

2009-05-23T21:42:00.000-05:00

This week has been a long and strange week. Almost two weeks ago I was shocked to find out I was pregnant. And then elated. Cliff and I began making plans for a new baby and even thought of a few names. We were talking about the name Alex Zander for a boy and either Amelia or Jemma for a girl. We told Ethan, and a few friends and family and everyone was rejoicing with us.
On Friday of last week I was bringing my mom home from Surgery in Tulsa and my car broke down at the very first light in Stillwater. It turned out to be the Transmission but we were not surprised. Boris had made a great run... was now 10 years old and had earned more than his keep in his time with us. We talked it over and decided to get a newer vehicle that would have room for three kids and a pal or extra rider( such as Grandma). Saturday afternoon we got a smokin' deal on Spifferifica, a lovely 2004 Chrystler Pacifica that cost just under $10,000.
I had a sore throat for most of the week which I attributed to allergies and pregnancy and tried to ignore. By Sunday night it had been unbearable too long, and I decided that I would head to the Dr Monday morning.
By Monday morning I was experiencing a very small amount of spotting which was unusual for me in a pregnancy. I mentioned this to the Dr when I went in to have my throat checked out but since it was so light it wasnt much to worry about. I was diagnosed with Strep Throat and given an antibiotic and sent home. At this point my sore throat was so bad that I no longer had a voice and I spent 2 days home from work sleeping and thinking and practicing lines to the Godfather to amuse myself.
By Thursday my throat was practically as good as new( a little wraspy but in a 1940's Jazz Club singer, after a cigarette or two, kid of way) but the bleeding was getting worse. I called the Dr's office and asked to have labs done. I also began to experience some cramping and pain in my right ovary but it would come and go and didnt seem like a big deal.
Friday morning Dr Smithton called me bright and early to let me know the lab number was low,200, and should really be around 1000. He thought this was Indicitive of a miscarriage but it was time to wait and see. By Friday afternoon I had constant pain in my right ovary and it was really distracting me from work. I called the Dr's office becuase I was really concerned and I got in to see Dr Evans since the Memorial Holiday was starting and Dr Smithton had gone out of town. Dr Evans felt around on my abdomen which was very sore everytime he pressed near my right ovary.
He sent me over right away for an ultrasound. The ultrasound technician turned out to be the same woman who did the original Ultrasound on Faith that came up with the initial diagnosis. It was a strange moment. She was able to confirm on the screen that there was no baby to be seen in my uterus but that its lining was very thick like it should be in pregnancy. She couldnt really see anything to indicate for sure that there was an Eptopic Pregnancy but she did see something small on my right ovary that was suspicous. She said with a lab of 200 it is way way to early to see ANYTHING and the number needed to be over 1000 or 2000 for a baby to be big enough to see in the uterus or the tube. She felt uncertain about the suspicous spot and called the Head of radiology who logged into the system from home to look at the Ultrasound. He felt the same way, something suspicous but too early to tell.
They sent me home and Dr Smithton called me as I was driving home.
He stated that it is most likely that I am experiencing a miscarriage. He said I could even have an ectopic pregnancy but the chances are very good that since my numbers were so low when I came in on Thursday that I was already miscarrying and even if its an ectopic pregnancy I will probably miscarry that. He offered me some pain meds and told me to call with any questions or concerns I might have and also to go back to the ER if I experience more pain.
After I got home I continuted to experience light bleeding but nothing like a period.
And this is where I am at now. I have spent the day with my family, crampy, waiting, wondering, wishing this would hurry up and conclude so that I could move forward.
Its a strange place to be at..... just waiting.
Yesterday I had copious amounts of peace but today the saddness is starting to set in. I know that life is unpredicible. And I am thankful for the many blessings that I already have in my life. I do trust God and his plan and direction for my life. I rest in knowing that His Plan is there.
But it is amazing to me the amount of loving and planning and wanting that can develop in just a few weeks. I know things are not going to work out for this pregnancy, for a baby at this moment, but I really wanted that baby, wanted the challenge of bringing a third child into my home, a fourth child into my heart, and I know Cliff wanted that too.
We weren't planning for a fourth pregnancy and we certainly were not elated about MORE diapers to change, but in that short period of time we felt so blessed. Absolutely and crazily blessed with life. The bible says in Psalms " Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. " And I like the idea of a full house. Yes, I am tired. Yes, having children is hard work, but the blessing of having those children, it is a blessing straight from God.
Afterall, God's greatest miracle is life.

Mommy's Day

2009-05-10T08:44:00.000-05:00

Little Red,

Remembering you, thinking of you, loving you today along with my other 2 amazing kids.

Yours,
Mommy

Down in my bones

2009-04-19T20:47:00.000-05:00

It was a feeling that had been coming on for weeks. An achy unsettling down deep in my bones. Like a tornado on the horizon or piles and piles of rain and wind approaching- I could feel that ache so deep that it made me feel off kilter.
I asked her if she was really leaving. She asked me what made me think it was so? I told her I got that feeling and that feeling was never wrong. She sighed and said " I think you are right, Mic."
Fastforward 2 weeks. The day is yet approaching. Only signs on the horizon but no storm yet in sight. I still feel it in my bones.... its more unsettling now than before, like an electric chill running up my spine it leaves me chilled.
She contacts me and says she is headed out of town. She is worried becuase she recieved a message from her grandma and her grandma had planned to come for a visit. She is sad because her grandma hasn't visited in years and Neemaw's voice sounded vulnerable on the phone.
I told her that Neemaw could feel it too......... The woman who had raised her wrapped up in her arms filled with love and wisdom, sweat and tears knew the storm was acomin'.
If Neemaw and I both feel it, does that make it true?

the happy part, the sad part

2009-04-11T00:23:00.000-05:00

Ramblings of MicaylaEpisode 1,998Tonight I put together the kids Easter Basket. This is one of the things I look forward to most during the Holidays- the stocking at Christmas, the candy and tokens of love at Valentines day, the basket at Easter. My mom always put so much thought into my own as a child... pouring her love for me into the arrangement and sentiment of the gift that I have been inspired by her to do the same for my own children.I spend days in thought and on more than one trip to the store to find just the right items. I never want to spend too much. I want the gift to be thoughtful and delightful but not showy and materialistic.This year I put together a basket for all of my kids. This was the hard part. Its the hard part at every holiday. I am reminded of all the things I do for Ethan and now Olivia- that I dont do for Faith. I think after almost 2 years those feelings would go away- those feelings of needing to do things for her- but they don't. Instead of covering over that feeling this year for Easter I took extra care to make a special basket for Faith with different items... Items that help me to pour out my love for her, something to take the aching out of my arms that still want to hold her.It was a joyful moment... filling those baskets, arranging the treats and toys, imagining the excitement on my children's face in the morning. It was a sad moment..... thinking of the one little face that I won't get to see.Holidays, they are so bittersweet for me, for us, for our family. Cliff and I are working hard not to transfer our hurts and saddness during this time to our children, to try to make these holidays special and delightful for them. It is easier in many ways, to make new traditions, to do things differently now then we did before we had her.We stay closer to our own home, where we have the freedom to nurse our hurts, slip out to the cemetary to lay flowers on Faith's grave, have a quiet moment alone, or sit and hug our little ones a little tighter, love on them a little longer...... and there in lies that happy part again. That dull ache in my chest for my absent girl reminds me of my fierce love for Ethan and Olivia, reminds me of the joy of their presence, makes my love for them bloom deeper......

Random thoughts of the heart

2009-03-04T00:21:00.000-06:00

When I was a little girl I attended a school in Okmulgee Oklahoma. It was called Banneker Kindergarten and it consisted of about 10 classrooms that supported half day kindergarten for about 18 classes. In this school there was also a special classroom for children requiring special education. Even as young as 4 I remember the kids that attended this class. They ranged in age from four to much older( possibly 12) and several of them were in special wheel chairs or walked with the assistance of braces or a walker. Everytime I had the opportunity to be around this special needs class I could not quit staring and wondering about them. I remember one day in class it was my turn to walk with another child to the small kitchen on the other side of the building to return our empty milk crate after snack time. The kitchen was right next to the special needs class and I could see inside the classroom from the spot in front of the milk cooler. I could not help but stare as I stood rooted on the spot. I wondered what life was like at home for those children and what kind of games they liked to play. I stood transfixed in this spot so long that the other child reminded me that we could get in trouble if we took to long and we dumped the milk crate and scurried back to class. Even as a young child I was transfixed by those that were different from me... so much so that my mom said I was never discreet in my staring and would ask questions aloud about people in public that looked different or had a handicap. ( how embarrassing for my mom. *Cringe*)As I look back on that time I think God was preparing my heart even then for the walk ahead.Later, when I was pregnant with my first child, my husband had a coworker who had a baby at only six months pregnant that died. It was a little boy who had a disorder that would not allow him to survive birth and they had a funeral service for him which my husband attended. Weeks later the coworker sent the baby's clothes home with my husband, hoping that we could use the clothes that she had intended for her beloved son.I did not see this for the gracious gesture of giving that it was and was overcome with a fear that by giving us a dead baby's clothes she had somehow inviting ill upon us. I grew so distressed and fearful over the notion that something would now happen to our own baby, that I insisted that these clothes be put out of the house and into the garage. I am embarrassed to state that I was quite shallow and selfish in my anger over the situation. We had a healthy baby boy and time passed. Just before I became pregnant with our second child, I read an article in people magazine. It was about Russell Simmons and his wife Justine. They had given birth to a baby girl that died the same day of her birth from a life threatening condition called an Omphalocele. It was just a small news blurb, a sentence or two long, and yet I was very moved. I was deeply saddened for them and I remember thinking how difficult it must be to lose a baby after your body had worked so hard for 9 months to give that baby life. "I dont know what I would do if that happened to me" I thought. "To put my body through all that for nine months and to have no baby to bring home....."Only 3 months later we discovered that another little one was on its way and everyone asked me if we knew what we were having. I did not know yet that we would be expecting a little girl. "Oh well," they would say " As long as its healthy." This statement really rubbed me the wrong way the more it was said. I already knew that we would love this baby weither it came to us healthy or not... why did people feel the need to say such a thing? Only 2 months later we would discover the grim diagnosis of our daughter.In hindsight, I realize that my heart knew.... all those years my heart was being prepared for the time that I would carry and then get to spend a precious few days with my daughter who was a special needs child. Sometimes the things we fear the most are so feared becuase our heart(and the holy spirit) are preparing us for the time that we will have to face something of a similar circumstance. I am not saying that our fears become our reality... but what I am saying is that sometimes we when we are being prepared spiritually for things, they become at the forefront of our heart or minds. It is that constant presence or those regular brushes with the matter that satan tries to use to cause fear in our hearts.The bible teaches us that " God did not give us a spirit of fear, but power, love, and a sound mind." Satan whispers in our ears that there is much to fear, but God will give us power to overcome any circumstance, love and compassion to support us through it, and a peaceful mind and level head to brave the storm.God can teach us to walk on water in the midst of our storms.....Just some thoughts.Matthew 14:25-3225During the fourth watch of the night Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. 26When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. "It's a ghost," they said, and cried out in fear. 27But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid." 28"Lord, if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water." 29"Come," he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!" 31Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?" 32And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. 33Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, "Truly you are the Son of God." So let us keep our eyes transfixed on him, let us not look to the left or right, or at the ragging storm beneath our feet.

2009-02-25T12:35:00.000-06:00

5Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Phil 4:5-7

It feels like the cloud is lifting. I dont have anymore answers in my struggly struggleness. Its been a long struggle.... months of struggle... which seems to have come to a head in the last 6 weeks. The burden of the struggle became so much that I didnt know if I could bear it. My husband was worried, my mom was worried, even I was starting to worry about myself.
And then something strange happened.
I opened up about the struggle, earnestly poured out my heart to God on several occasions. Went to him on my knees with my face to the ground and poured out the aches and hurts and confusion.
I dont have an answer yet... I dont know what will be coming... but the burden is suddenly less unbearable.... and I have peace that God is in control of the road...... whatever that road leads to.
I am so thankful to God for peace in my heart today.
Even if that peace were just for today- it is enough.

Struggly Struggleness

2009-02-13T23:12:00.000-06:00

Truth be told, struggles arent so much a laughing matter........ but so often we lay them out to be a comical poke at ones self. Throughout the day, working with the public as I do, I hear story after story of an attempt to do something gone awry. It is easy to talk about how we physically struggle to complete a task or job. Think of the last time you unsuccessfully tried to pick up something insanely heavy, or tried to carry one object to many, or tried a new sport for that matter.
What we talk less comically about are internal struggles. Actually, we don't just speak of them in a less comical sense, but we just speak less of them period. Its easy to poke fun at something that occurs with the body, but hard to bear a struggle in our heart.
My heart these days, is struggling. Not that I am the only one. This is what we are really referring to when we say we are having a good or bad day right? A bad day is filled with frustrations, anger, sadness, lonliness, crabbiness........... heart struggles.
Its just that I keep pouring these heart struggles out to God, hoping he will either correct them or give me direction to move further away from them... so that I dont feel them so closely under my skin, a constant reminder of my state of mind... or perhaps I should say state of heart?
I dont know when an answer will come, if it will come, or how I would recognize it if it came.
None the less I push forward, lay it out again, pour my struggles out of my heart and offer them to God.
It is what I can give to the offering plate at the moment. In my heart I hope to be able to give so much more.
Its funny to say that I struggle with a desire to be complacent. I dont mean complacent as in luke warm or apathetic.... I mean, complacent with the place that God has brought me to at this time in my life. Complacent with my job, complacent with the amount of time I have to serve God in ministry, complacent with the amount of time I am able to give my family.... and if He cannot give me complacency... then direction on how to get to a new place, a new balance, .......... a place that I can feel content in Him and in my spot in the grand scheme of things.
My heart is overburdened with this unsettling feeling of being........ unsettled. I am praying for answers....
I am praying for deliverence from this Struggly struggleness.

Love Letter to the Dog

2009-02-12T09:05:00.000-06:00

I grew up on a farm in the Bible belt. We had many a cat, which are quite self sufficent, and several outside dogs over the span of my childhood. Never did we have a small inside dog. This was new territory for me and I was more than a bit nervous to bring a new dog home but after my wonderful exeriences during visits to the In-laws( who practically had a chihuahua farm!), I was ready to dive in.
Sweetie, a black chihuahua with white markings, came to us at six months old from my good friend Vivian's home. Vivian's husband at the time had a tendency to yell at the dog and had even thrown things at her so Vivian wanted to find her a safe home. Her original name was Negrita, which means little Blackie, but Cliff had a problem rolling the R's so we felt it would be best to give her a new name. She hid under the bed or behind the coach for much of the first few days and I began to wonder if she would be able to adjust to such a quiet home with two people who work a lot when she came from a home with 5 children and one parent who stayed home most of the time. She was also lost in translation, adjusting from a Spanish speaking home to English.
Sweetie became her new name( she ran around in a circle and wagged her tail when we called her this) and she adjusted slowly and timidly, eating on the third day and snuggling tightly to Cliff in bed that night. She was still a puppy though and with puppy times come puppy messes. She had to be taught to potty outside 100% of the time and had a habit of chewing things up. When it was discovered that she had two sets of fangs( the baby ones never fell out when the adult ones came in) a quick surgery at the Vet solved most of the chewing issues. She was lonely while we were gone during the day though, and I felt that she needed a companion.
The search for a companion was a fervent one. I was determined to find just the right dog. When I saw a newspaper advertisement for a chihuahua/dachsaund mix puppy, I thought I had found the perfect match and drove over to see the puppies. The house was cluttered, dirty, and full of dogs- but one in particular stood out to me.... although she did seem a little big for the breed..... She lay calmly on the couch and seemed unfazed by the puppies scurring around. I was a bit concerned by a small bulge on her stomach but was told that all weenie dog puppies have this and they grow out of it. I brought the beautiful brindle red and brown puppy home to my husband and her big sister, Sweetie, and hoped for the best.
3 things quickly became apparent with the new puppy. 1. I would never have my own pillow again. From day one she lounged across my pillow, leaving me with a stiff neck in the morning, or worse, finding myself pillowless or stuck in the crack between my pillow and Cliff's 2. The bulge on her stomach was not normal and was actually a hernia that would require surgery 3. Although she seemed calm she could be quite nourotic, developing a phobia for being left home alone. She chewed through a card board box that she was left in the first day, and never quite adjusted to being crate trained, crying and yelping and trying to chew the kennel door when we would leave. She chewed up a cell phone, my new glasses, shoes, and many household items. And she was getting big! She certainly was not a Chihuahua!
My inlaws wondered if she would be a keeper, telling us that she was thick skulled or dumb for all the troubles she caused. I learned my first few parenting lessons of perseverance with Bayer( she became known as Teddy Bayer for her velvety coat and cuddly nature).Cliff was on the verge of giving her up a few times when she could not seem to get house trained... but I believed in her and stuck by her, giving her more love, more one on one time, and firmer disipline( I certainly believe I have mastered how to spank a dog!) I began to worry and wonder and hope that she could make it through her difficult doggie teen years... and formed quite a Motherly bond with my dogs. I looked to Sweetie to teach Bayer how to behave and be a good dog.( all the expectations of a big sister of course) and I had many heart to hearts with Bayer as she lay on my bed about what the future would hold.
Over time and many obstacles, Bayer developed obedience and a strong sense of loyalty to both Cliff and I.
When it came time to prepare to bring our first child home, the dogs learned right along with us. We carried a cabbage patch doll around the house and spoke to it, putting it in the crib for bedtime and the bassinet for naptime so that the dogs could get adjusted. They were insanely curious of the doll we were talking to and followed us from room to room wagging their tails furiously as we talked to the doll.
As my belly grew, so did the dogs affection for the baby inside it. Sweetie would lay snuggled against the outside of my stomach, just where the baby seemed to be laying. Bayer became more docile and calm and would lay in the bed with me as I endured countless headaches and aching hips. They wanted to sit on the rug in the bathroom as I took my bath, resting with me as I tried to soothe my aches away.
When it was time for Ethan to come home they were affectionate and curious right from the start. They had been warned several times to stay away from the baby and had learned to keep their distance, but as he grew, they began to sneak in for an inspection, sniffing a poopy diaper as he played on the floor or sneaking in for a quick lick to his face as he drooled and banged away in his excersaucer. Soon of course, they learned to run and hide as he became mobile and sought to yank their tail or hair on their head.
We went throught the same excitment and mothering as we prepared to bring our second child home. Sweetie again resumed her post beside my belly at night and they were all too eager to get up with me during my nighttime snacks. When we came home from the hospital babyless, the dogs were confused. Sweetie continued her post by my belly for several weeks- knowing it was smaller now but not understanding what happened to the baby that had been growing inside it.
It was Sweetie and Bayer that would get up with me in the night becuase my grief was so strong that I could not sleep. They would lick the salty tears from my cheeks or look into my eyes with all the unconditional companionship that only a dog could offer. I began to roam the house quite a bit at night- looking at some of Faith's things for the hospital, pouring over my bible for comfort and wisdom, getting online to my support site, or perhaps crying in the kitchen or living room. As soon as the dogs would wake up and sense that I had left the bed, they would get up to come find me and sit with me for as long as I needed. Once I started working on the Memorial Garden for Faith, they were right beside me, digging for worms in the freshly turned earth or rolling in the warm sunshine on the grass beside me. They followed me outdoors on brightly moonlit nights and sat patiently beside me as I cried and prayed from the bench in the garden.

As my belly began to swell again, Sweetie once again resumed her post and Bayer embraced all the time I liked to lounge in the bed.... but this time they were more quiet, more attentive, and more motherly.
The dogs were elated when we returned from the hospital with our arms filled with Olivia and were a great companion during night time feedings.
I can't imagine the last 5 years of my life without my dogs. Some say that dogs are mangy, dirty, hairy, annoying... but all I can think of is the comfort and companionship they have given to me. They bark at the strange noises in the house at night, always faithful to investigate for me. They try to entertain the children and any visitors that come by the house, and they have given their full attention and heart to me. They have helped to comfort me in ways that no one else has been able to do.
I love you Sweetie and Bayer!

Reach

2009-02-01T16:18:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I watched Ethan as he brushed his teeth, trying to hurry him along so that we could leave the house. He was doing such a quick job that he didn't really even get the back of his molars and in a polite motherly tone I asked " Did you get your molars? You know- in the back?" He is always an honest child and he told me No as he quickly and intently jabbed the toothbrush to the back of his teeth to give them a good scrub. He watched himself in the mirror as he did this and the toothbrush would poke the side of his cheek with back and forth motion. He did this several times in a very focused fashion and stopped abruptly. "Uh-oh!" He said, " We need a Reach!"
Instantly it dawned on me that he was referring to the infamous Reach toothbrush commercials in which the cartoon man unhinges his jaw so he can reach the back. As we have never discussed toothbrush brands, this amused me greatly as I realized at four years old that advertising was already finely embracing him with its persuasive tactics- and Ethan was embracing back.
I laughed and pointed at the childsize red toothbrush in his hand " Look. Its already a Reach! R.E.A.C.H- see?"

My four year old- a fine consumer in the making :)

Free Exit

2009-01-27T22:36:00.001-06:00

I headed out on Hwy64, quickly accelerating as I pulled through the last flashing red light just outside of Morrison. As I hit the long and vacant stretch of road westward bound into the vast plains of the panhandle, I sipped my coffee, almost chugged it down really, and its sweet and bitter warmth flowed down into my gut. I sighed as I shifted the beetle into sixth gear, the turbo deisel making a steady hum like the buzz of a bee.
The pastures around me were covered in frost and the morning glow was beginning to creep in and dispell the darkness behind me. I watched the sunrise in my rearview mirror, a glorious winter sunrise, orange and pink, but mostly gold, and it inched its way across the horizon, licking the darkness away. I focused again on the road ahead and the darkness that I was still driving into with gusto.
The coffee in my gut twisted into a knot and for a moment I thought I would have to pull over and share my coffee with the Oklahoma plains. The moment passed and I buzzed on, pulling past a small country church and a sign that said " County cemetary" with an arrow pointing south down a dirt road.
I thought about the decisions I had made and the ones coming ahead... and the moments in between the two that required too much sitting and thinking and not enough action. I wondered if I would have the strength I needed to make it through. "Of course I will," I told myself " Becuase that is who I am and that is what I do. Faithful, dependable, predictable."
The Sunday before I recieved a dissapointing but not unexpected call about Frank.
Funny and lively Frank, our neighbor for 5 years, who now lived in a nursing home in the Western part of the state. I drove over to see him once a week for the last 14 months, increasing my visits to 3 times a week in the last 8 weeks. His illness started with a simple cough, which turned into a cold and then pnemonia, and his body kept filling up with fluid becuase his kidneys couldnt keep things flushed out fast enough.
He was 73 and had no family to call his own. He had a distant cousin who lived in the Dakotas- I wasnt even sure if it was North or South. I stepped in to fill the role as best I could, and had somehow assumed the role of medical power of attorney and if something were to happen, would assume the role of executor of his estate.
The Dr on the other end of the line said that his heart had stopped. "Did I want to keep the DNR in tact or did I want them to try to start his heart?"
I didnt expect this decision to be so hard. I knew his wishes but weither he took another breathe on this earth or not now depended on me.
" Please give it a try. " I said as I grabbed my purse and my keys and scrambled for the door. By the time I drove the hour and a half there, he was resting in his room, wheezing each breathe in and out of his skinny frame. I sat in the still room, silent but for his ragid breathing, and wondered how life gets to such a point. I remembered him just months before, laughing and carrying on, telling story after story of his travel and adventure and the many years he spent serving our country. He lived life hopping from one place to the next, only sitting still for the five years he lived next door to us after his retirement. He was forever the bachelor, except for a short and lively marriage at the age of 71. His wife, Gerty, lived only 7 months after they wed and died of a stroke in her sleep on her 68th birthday.
Three hours after I arrived I heard him trying to stir. He cleared his throat several times and in a raspy voice he said my name.
"The last time I saw him he was only a baby." He said in a whisper. I turned my head to look into his sad eyes, cloudy blue under his silver brows.
" He was my boy. I got a girl pregnant just before I enlisted and we married on an R&R. I got shipped straight into the war and the only thing I had to offer her was my tiny monthly paycheck and a letter for each day of the week. I only saw him the one time, when I came back from my tour of duty. She told me that day that she had met someone else that could take care of her better. She moved 3 states away and took Adam with her. I never said "Don't" and I never said bye. I didnt know how to be a daddy. I dont even know his middle name."
I asked Frank if I should find him.
He stared at the wall for several minutes. "No, he never got to watch me live, better not to have to see me die."

Frank's condition slowly deteriorated after Sunday. His body began to fill with fluid again and this time I knew I couldnt make him hang onto this life with no one here to stay for and so much pain. He got placed on a ventilator again on Tuesday and was sedated to a state in which he was not aware of any comings or goings. He was no longer himself.
On Thursday I made the decision via phone conference with his doctors to pull lifesupport, and now I was on my way to sit with him as his body began to die.
I downed the last sip of coffee and punched through my ipod, listening to a few seconds of each song and then deciding that nothing sounded quite right.
There was no appropriate song to listen to when one was on a death march.... no song perhaps except the sound of silence.
I rolled down my window and let the frigid morning air slap against my face as I fought hard against the panic that was sitting within me.
I slowed down to take the last free exit off of the turnpike, the last free exit before I had to take responsibility for a myriad of decisions, the last free exit before I watched life slow down until it slipped away.

ammendment to and so....

2008-12-25T16:10:00.000-06:00

I forgot to add:

"This days been crazy, but everythings happened on schedule,
from the rain and the cold, to the drink that I spilled on my shirt.
You knew how youd save me before I fell dead in the garden,
and you knew this day, long before you made me out of dirt."

Table for Two- Caedmon's Call

Thinking of You

2008-12-24T00:17:00.000-06:00

My little Angel,
We attended a christmas memorial service last week in memory of you and many other children that are no longer here with their families.We said a special prayer with the group- titled the prayer of Faith( how suiting) and placed an ornament on the tree for you. I have missed you ever so much -especially these last few weeks.We are facing our second christmas without you and it is still hard. This year is different than last though, and I am thankful for that. Last year grief bowled me over and knocked me flat on my back... it left me aching and searching... and barely able to face each day... and this year I am managing my way through the holiday season without having to run into hiding.These are baby steps I guess. We are taking it simply this year. Some decorations for Ethan and Olivia( and you) of course. The tree we got last year to start a new tradition.....and all of your stockings line the mantel. It felt good to hang five this year, with your satin pink one tucked on the end. ( your daddy and I will continue to tuck a Christmas letter inside for you this year)The holiday will be simple for us to help make it more bearable. No travel, few visitors, simply celebrating the days we have with your brother and sister, remembering the few days we had with you, and expressing our most humble thanks to God for sending his son into the world to save us.I love you so much, you are never far from my thoughts.

Always,Mommy

Prayer of Faith

We trust that beyond the absence, there is a presence.That beyond the pain, there can be healing.That beyond the brokenness, there can be wholeness.That beyond the anger, there may be peace.That beyond the hurting, there may be forgiveness.That beyond the silence, ther may be the word.That beyond the word, there may be understanding.And through understanding, there is love.

and so..........

2008-12-23T22:05:00.000-06:00

and so........ it has been quite awhile since I have written. My sincerest apologies to my loyal blog followers. Thank you for your patience with me.
I have no witty or creative postings for today, just a few lines to ensure that you know I am still here and ticking and living and dreaming and believing.
Life is a bit hectic-just the way I like it I suppose. I long for moments to stop and breathe and then when I get them i think I could pull my hair out from the monotony.
We are on the cusp of christmas- which has become something different to me in the last two holiday seasons. It has become deeper- more impactful - more somber.
Not in a negative or less thankful way- just different from the uptempo and exuberant Holiday I grew up with. Of course it is my own experiences in the last few years that shade the holiday for me- but I am thankful that God can use those moments in my life to teach me more of Him.
It was shared with me recently that Christs birth came at such a time of adversity...... born in a manger, at a time when all infant males were being killed, born amongst manure and dirt, along side the animals of the stable....... Christ was born in adversity.......
I think of my own life........ how God uses the adversity, the manure, the dirt, to mold and shape me...... how he delivers Life into me in the times that I am down and out........... what an amazing God that he can shape and mold us and make our lives blessed- even in the dirt.

And so that is where my thoughts are at these days......

Ethan is excited for Christmas to come and has been counting down the days. His joy in the season has brought me joy.

In the words of Wordsworth-

2008-12-12T23:50:00.000-06:00

Faith

Love, faithful love, recalled thee to my mind—But how could I forget thee? - William Wordsworth

a very piraty thing to say lassy!

2008-11-16T00:16:00.000-06:00

Could arrrrrrg! be considered a first word? Did I give birth to a pirate??Sometimes, Olivia babbles out things that sound strangely like " Momma" "Daddy" and " I love you". She is just starting to talk and I will admit the title is misleading becuase she hasnt said her first official word yet- unless aaaaarrrrg is a word- which I dont think it is.But this lament, arrrrrggggg! Is her favorite thing to say. She will interject it in a quiet and serious moment, she babbles it from the back of the car as we cruise down the road, she says this in response to being placed in her crib after her early morning feeding, it is the new constant noise that accompanies all the other noises in our already noisy home. A sign of an adventerous spirit perhaps?
...............Or is she already a comical genius? Lord knows, I already have one clown amongst my children........
ARRRRRRRRGGGG! Matey! Pass the bottle er ye will be sure to walk the plank!

an anatomy of a breakdown

2008-11-03T22:13:00.000-06:00

It was the fine hairline fracture that changed my future. I was adamently pushing myself to earn a BS in Nursing so that I could be a scrub wearing, pulse checking, booboo fixing nurse. It was my latest dream in a short but tasteful line of dreams. I had been fixated on this 'cure' for my future for several years and was convinced that it was the right direction for me.
So convinced was I, that in later years, including 2008 to be exact, I would wonder "what ifs?" about the nursing career I failed to successfully pursue.
I decided to take a discombobulated and unbalanced semester of courses, convinced that with determination and hard work I could make it through. Of course, I did not account for my nonability to do homework to drag me down- nor did I feel like my terrible study habits might be a hindrance to succeeding. I sure didnt know myself very well :) In fact, sometimes I laugh in the face of my former self.
I decided to take Spanish, Chemistry, an excelarated 8 week Human Anatomy evening course( with a 70% failure rate- D's and below!), and Sociology in the same semester. This was not nor could never be a good balance for me due to my intense lack of interest in the majority of science courses. I was incredibly overwelmed and I was too bored to do anything about it.
It started with the intense pressure I felt to ace my Chemistry class. My mostly unheard of and intensely foreign last name led to this first step into my breakdown. My mother, a thriving college student who returned to school in her mid thirties, had attended the same university just 6 years before, had become a star chemistry student and now led a successful career in the Environmental field with a degree in Chemistry. The teacher called me out during roll call the first day and stopped to ask me how my mom was doing. The entire class looked at me intently and I could see them mentally calculating my possible preformance abilities and trying to sum up if I would be the class genius. Little did they know that I was the least studious person in the room and soon set to receive my first F on my college transcript. To be truthful, the intense pressure I felt to like Chemistry becuase of my mother and the intense bordom that I felt each time the professor talked about ionic compounds, molecules, and the quantum theory was enough to do me in. But this was not the breaking point, just the starting point.
With swift determination and gusto I marched into my first night of the 4 hour course with my greys anatomy in hand and my anatomy coloring book. I had convinced myself that I would enjoy the course( ha! still with the not knowing myself!) and that the people who said an 8 week accelerated course that would teach me the entire skeletal, lymphatic, muscular, vascular, nervous, digestive, reproductive, and endocrine systems in just 16 days was difficult were crazy.
Then came the evening that we had to take dowl rods and place them on a model in place of all the skeletal joints and unions. We had one class session to learn them all and the next class session would be a test over the entire skeletal system. I drove home in a daze and saw my career as a nurse swirling down, down, down, into the drain of the toilet of life.
Human Anatomy and Chemistry were definitely not for me. And so I decided that Nursing was not the thing for me either. I promptly dropped the anatomy course and spent the next 3 semesters trying to decide what to do with myself. This led to a deep and confusing period of self discovery. The problem was that I didnt discover anything about myself.
And this was the moment that the breakdown felt complete. I was officially broken. I earned a code 99 on a career placement test at the career guidance office which officially meant- " we dont know what the hell you would be good at or enjoy doing" which to me translated to " good luck with college becuase you are never going to graduate at your rate you poor confused child."
This led to a string of courses off the beaten path which led to my enlistment in the United States Airforce. Still knowing nothing about myself, I decided to pick a science related job- Meteorology.
Of course, this too ended rather differently than I thought it would and due to a series of unfortunate events( OR SOME might say life saving) I decided against enlisting during the twilight hour.
I can offically state that I was enlisted in the United States Airforce but never fulfilled the basic duties of the job and therefore have some kind of discharge on my permanent record, and this, the recruiter told me, was like a black mark that would follow me wherever I go.
8 years later, black mark and all, I now say I hail from Stillwater Oklahoma. It has been a strange series of events that have led me to this place. It is a place I have grown to refer to with affection as " my home".
10 years after my pseudo breakdown and I could not be happier with where I have ended up.

And so time passed and I stumbled in the dark down a road that somehow led me to the here and now. A here and now that I have grown especially fond of.
And now let me just say how thankful I am for that breakdown and for the One who has guided me through the darkness all this time. What I didnt understand is that I didnt ever need to know my way, for the One had it all mapped out.
My creator could do more with a broken down me than a me of any other form or fashion.

Faith Constance- Your Song

2008-11-02T00:12:00.000-05:00

Faith,
I made up your nursery rhyme, just like I did for your Bubba and little Sis. I know you arent here for me to sing it to you, but every now and then I sing it anyway. It makes me smile. Singing is a refuge and healing thing for me. When you were in my belly I would sing songs to you everyday. When the days got really hard after we learned you were sick I would sing out, over and again, one song.
Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.
Riches I heed not, nor man's empty praise,Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.
High King of Heaven, my victory won,May I reach Heaven's joys, O bright Heaven's Sun!Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.In those moments, singing these words gave me strength.... enough to make it through that day anyways. I often would think of a soldier or gladiator, preparing for battle.... and I would think of the family they would be preparing to leave and the hardship they might face.... and suddenly my hardship didnt feel so lonely in the world. Everyone faces hardships- all different kinds. I have never been alone in that- but still its easy to forget that we arent the only ones that face sorrow. Its easy to get caught up in feeling sorry for myself about all the things I miss out on with you- but one thing shines bright and shining like the sun above all those sour thoughts- and that is the joy of being able to love you and to be chosen by God to carry you for your short time here.When you were in my belly I would count your little kicks. You liked to lay on your left side in there and your persistant kicks would tap tap tap under my right rib cage. Once you were born you would shift your little body in your isolete to lay the same way.... curled a little and on your left side- with your hands resting around your omphalocele. It was sweet to see how you laid- as if you didnt know that the omphalocele is what made you so sick and was a delicate thing. After all, you spent your whole life in the womb with it just the way it was. You just rested your hands upon it as another extension of you- just as you would an arm or a leg or your face....... As I watched you lay there in that way I understood that you didnt know yourself any differently- that you would probably never see the difference- and that you embraced yourself wholely.
You would probably never know how different from normal you were.
All that you would know is that you were loved- deeply.And little girl- whew! Are you loved so deeply!
Mommy

the perfect day

2008-10-24T09:38:00.000-05:00

My fifth grade teacher, Mrs. Nease, assigned us various topics for essay assignment. At the end of the year, she took those essays and put them together in a packet along with drawings we had made for our parents to keep. There were lots of interesting topics about our thoughts, about life, and our hopes and aspirations.
One essay was titled: The Perfect Day.

The rules were simple... write about one day- 24 hours total with no limitations or restrictions.
With Gusto I sat down to write my essay and quickly fell into a daydream to top all daydreams.
I filled up the entire sheet I was writing my essay on and had to pull out another sheet.
From my eleven year old hand I wrote out a detailed day of events that went something like this:
wake up and have strawberry pancakes with family and my friend Amanda Hagey and Autumn Summers
we will play boss and secretary( a pretend make believe game), unicorns, and barbies( I know- I know I was an eleven year old still playing make believe and dolls- dont tell Fawn about the barbies! I think she is too cool for that!)
We will have lunch at McDonalds and then my friend Fawn Porterand I will go to disneyworld after lunch.
After an afternoon at Disneyworld, a limo will pick up all my friends and we will eat pizza on our way to see: NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK IN CONCERT. After new kids on the block we will go swimming in the moonlight.

As you can see, I packed ALOT of things into my 24 hours. I definitely had to get as many things as I could done- becuase I only had ONE day to do it.

On Wednesday morning I woke up around 5am to get ready for the day. I didnt get to bed until late the night before so I stumbled through my morning routine and wished for more sleep( I would say dreamed of sleep but that is just silly :) At 615 I went into Ethans room to rouse him and was met with a fight. This has become more and more common these days and has prompted us to put Ethan to bed even earlier at night, but this has not squelched the morning crying and whining.
As I sat on my sons bed listening to him whine and watching him try to pull the covers back over his head... I remembered the long ago essay from 5th grade.
I decided to redraft the essay and this is what it would say:
The Perfect Day
Sleeping in until 9am.
Coffee.
Stay at home in pajamas with family
The End

repentance and rest, quietness and trust

2008-10-13T21:34:00.000-05:00

This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says: "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it. Isaiah 30:15

A few weeks ago I posted a scripture verse that was tied to my Lumos post. It was Hebrews 4:12, a post about the word of God shedding light onto the attitude and thoughts of our heart... about its ability to direct us.

I have been mulling the verse over since then... wondering about my direction, my aspirations, what I am doing, what I could be doing....... WHO I AM....all of those type of things......

Today a verse rang through my mind, a beginning of the answer to my prayer about my direction and my actions........
I have attached the verse above. I would have thought the words would read " in repentance and action are your salvation" But this verse speaks the opposite doesnt it? It says nigh of good deeds and speaks volumes about resting in God and KNOWING him. I knew the repentence part... but the resting part is new for me.
I have had so many outside influences lately that have pushed me to speak up to be louder, to push my way to the front and my heart has bucked against this advice for good reason. "in quietness and trust shall be your strength"
I dont think quietness speaks of not saying anything. Being quiet is not the same as being silent...
But it does say alot to me about trying to be the loudest one in the room :)

Thoughts anyone?

To My Fair Child

2008-10-13T05:22:00.000-05:00

Dear Faith,

Hello my lovely fair haired child. My tuesdays child, whose life was full of grace..... God's grace that brought you to me and allowed me to be your mommy. I try not to think of how short our time was... although that thought follows me like a shadow some days... I remind myself that God chose me to be your mom, he brought you to me and no one else..... because he knew how fiercely I would love you....... and just how much you would teach me about life and Love... so much love.Today is 15 months since you left my arms into God's own. The sadness of losing you hung around my shoulders today like a winter shawl. Today I was drapped in the ache of it. I remember the silky softness of your hair under my fingers still...... and the warmth of your baby skin. I remember watching your chest rise and fall under the bili lights and thanking God for each breath I saw you take.I am watching your brother and sister grow before my eyes. Trying desperately to log every moment, every milestone, every look..... and remembering with each moment all the ones I miss with you. Your little sister is 3 months old now... and everyday is something new. What joy it brings my heart to watch her change and grow and learn about the world... and with each moment that my heart swells with joy... it aches with sorrow too.Aches for you. Becuase she has already passed so many milestones that you never hit.
Beautiful Princess, beautiful girl. Keeper of my heart- I made a song for your big brother and one for your little sister that I sing during diaper changes.... I think I will make one up for you too....Kisses and hugs,and just one hug more!!!!!
and one more!
Mommy

The Question

2008-10-12T09:15:00.000-05:00

Last night as we were at the mall in Tulsa, something happened to cause my breathe to catch in my throat.... It was as if someone had shoved an egg in there- I couldnt seem to swallow it down and it made my chest ache to try.

Its gotten to be a familiar feeling.

On the drive home, in a moment of quietness, I asked Cliff " Do you think that feeling will ever quit? You know, the ache of knowing what you are missing out on?"

He responded simply and then quietness again. " No. It will ebb and flow, but it will always be there."

And so it ebbs and flows.

Thursdays

2008-10-06T22:23:00.000-05:00

When I was a little girl, my mom told me I was born on a Thursday. "Thursday's Child" she called me, and then she would quote an old song "Monday's child is fair of face,Tuesday's child is full of grace,Wednesday's child is full of woe,Thursday's child has far to go,Friday's child is loving and giving,Saturday's child must work for a living,But the child that's born on the Sabbath day,Is fair and wise and good and gay." And so I became the child who had far to go... although my mother always made it sound as if I would go far.... I WAS GOING PLACES.
The years turn, the world was spinning, and 24 years after I became a Thursday's child, I had another Thursday's Child. In fact, I had my Thursday's child in the very same hospital that my mother had her Thursdays child.
But even after all this, Thursdays didn't seem any different to me than any other day. Nothing was different to me about Thursday than the hump day before it or the TGIF after it. Thursday was thursday was thursday.... and sometimes I didnt even notice when one came and went.

This all changed for me in my 27th year. On July 12 of my 27th year I held my little girl in my arms for the very first-and last- time. The world stopped- for a moment- and everything was rearranged. And every week to follow, for months on end, stopped on Thursdays and my world would feel as if all its pieces had been jumbled up... and couldnt be made smooth. Sometimes my heart would grow so heavy that I could feel Thursdays arrival before it arrived... By humpday my mind had dulled, my feet grew heavy, my voice became numb as I retreated into myself.
Sometimes, Thursdays were so heavy that they bled into humpday and TGIF and the weekend to follow. Sometimes Thursdays seemed to be connected to each other...... a seemless loop that led one into the other.
In the last few months I have managed to skip a Thursday or two without feeling so blue. The Thursdays now stretch further and far between.... and sometimes Thursday doesnt even fall on Thursday anymore. Last week it came on Wednesday and all I could think was how much my humpday felt like Thursday. So if you here me say "Today feels like a thursday..." well, you know what I mean. :)

Thank you Betty!

2008-10-06T16:47:00.000-05:00

Occasionally, I find inspiration from unlikely sources. Last week it came from one of my favorite fluffy comedies- Ugly Betty.

Betty Suarez said, " You have to want something enough to fight for it!"

I had to pause a moment and reflect on the things I wanted. Was I fighting for them?

And if I wasn't, did I really want those things?

Perspective.

Thanks Ugly Betty!

Summer fun

2008-09-27T09:28:00.001-05:00

Here is an image of Ethan at his birthday party on September 20th. If you look closely at his face you can see his excitement! The gym owner was having the children yell "booyah!" before going out to play one last time.
Ethan had such a great time at the party and I was really proud of him for being so grown up. He was calm as he opened his presents and thanked each of his friends for their gift. It hit me so hard how fast he is growing up.... and as a result of that, I am trying to slow down my time with him, trying to enjoy the little moments that we have together instead of rushing through them.
That night, after everyone had left, he and I went to jump on the trampoline that his Mimi and Papa got him for his birthday. When I was growing up I didnt have things like a trampoline, but I had friends that did and I remember jumping on them at sleepovers or slumber parties. As Ethan and I jumped around we laughed and giggled at ourselves. I showed him the fun jumps or tricks I knew and we took turns doing them as well as chasing each other around the trampoline. As it grew dark we took breaks to lay on our backs and watch the stars come out. We didnt stay out too late- Ethan had a long day and still needed a bath- but we saw about 6 stars appear in the time we were out there. As we layed there looking up, he would excitedly point out a new star and count them in the sky.... The smell of the trampoline, the softness of the evening air, and the glow of the sun setting brought back so many memories of summertime in my childhood. I smiled to myself as I thought of Ethan, on the cusp of being schoolaged, and at a point where he would start to remember experiences for the rest of his life. I was deeply thrilled at the thought of helping him to create happy, enjoyable memories... We got up for one last bounce and tried out all the moves before we headed into the house for bath. When it came time to read his beadtime story- instead of saying " pick out a little one- its late" I picked one of the longer ones that I could find. After all, he won't want me to read him stories forever....... and soon those days will pass by as quickly as our summer has.

Sleepless in Stillwater

2008-09-25T06:52:00.000-05:00

I am sitting here listening to Sweetie the chihuahua as she snores from the middle of my bed. She has taken up most of my space next to Cliff( all 4 pounds of her) and she is dreaming away. Occasionally a little yelping sound escapes her lips and I hope she is dreaming great doggie dreams of chasing something. As much as I would like to lay my head down to sleep and dream sweet dreams of my own.... shut eye is evading me tonight. It is moments like this that often prompt an impromptu walk along the gardens edge, peering through squinty eyes to try to see the plants new growth and blooms in the dark Oklahoma outdoors.( and avoid those darn garden spiders at all costs) Tonight I choose to listen to the hum of the computer and the whir of the fan overhead....... as I think deep thoughts that I cant seem to keep from swirling in my head.The air conditioner broke today. I dont know what ails the silent box. Perhaps it feels as ragid as I, worn out from too many long days of hard work and an incompassionate and unrelenting inner drive. When did I get to be so hard on myself?Of course, it is just a machine...... but machines can wear out too. And my broken machine is a reminder that even a cold and emotionless box will eventually break down... that no matter of hiding emotions, or burying feelings will save us from an occasional meltdown. And that is my food for thought for you today. Will hiding from the things we dont want to face or feel really save us from breaking down?Does it create an iron will ? or a cold heart?
Inquiring minds want to know

additional Lumos thoughts

2008-09-24T23:15:00.000-05:00

Psalm 119:105Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.

Hebrews 4:12For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.

Lord, may your word luminate my heart, cleanse me, heal me......................and make my clock tick tock like new.

Lumos

2008-09-24T22:39:00.001-05:00

There is a charm that Harry Potter says to create a ray of light with his wand. "Lumos!" he will say and a ray of light will shine forth, making his path clear.
I wish I could take Harry Potter's wand and shine it at my heart. "Lumos! Lumos!" I would say so that I could see all that is inside me, each thought, each feeling, each need, even in the deep hidden folds of me.... and I would pour them out- out like water pouring from a broken dam, like wine flowing from an uncorked bottle, like snow falling in an avalanche. And I would lay it all out before me, like the pieces from a broken clock.......... and I would line every piece up, every groove, every wheel, every arm, every spring, every lever, until my heart beat in time- sounding forever on end- a smooth and simple and rythmic 'tick, tock' 'tick, tock'

How did I end up with a broken clock?

Bittersweet Days

2008-09-20T16:23:00.000-05:00

bittersweet days
I can't begin to tell you readers, how excited I am about today. Ethan turned four this week and we are having a big boy party for him at a local youth gym. The kids will be bouncing on trampolines, balancing on the beams, and causing quite a ruckus. He actually had a hand in deciding what kind of party we would have this year, from the location down to the kind of cake we would serve.We have been counting down the days and weeks for most of the summer.I just can't believe that my little boy, my first born child, is 4 years old now and on the verge of being SCHOOL AGED.
For all the joys I have over celebrating Ethans big day, I can't help but think about my little one that isnt here. I have been wondering all week what it would be like if she could be at the party. She would be 14 months old, old enough to toddle... would she be trying to keep up with the big kids? Would I be quite harried trying to keep up with her and my sweet Olivia too? Like their Papa always does, I am sure he would be carrying her around, keeping up with her as she rocks in the wooden boat, helping her grab onto the bars overhead, helping her bounce on one of the easier trampolines...... I am sure her red curls would be bouncing in the air... and she would be smiling with delight and determination as she tries to keep up to her 90 to nothing big brother.It is a bittersweet day. Full of joy... and aching in my heart too.
Yesterday, I attended a wedding in Enid. While I was there I got to set my eyes on the little boy of the couple who were getting married. He is about 4 or 5 months old and I have been waiting eagerly to see him in person.I caught a few glances of him during the ceremony and at the reception. As we got up to leave and tell his mom goodbye, he was cuddled in her arms. She showed him to me in his little tux- with his shiny soft sweet red baby hair. The same color as my Faith's own hair. For a moment my breath caught in my throat as I remembered stroking her hair at the nape of her neck. I wanted to reach out and stroke his soft hair, but I held my hand back, tightly clinching my fist. I said my goodbyes and began the long ride home, thinking of my family waiting for me at the house, and the little one that is not in our midst.On another note, returning to work has been both joyful and difficult. Another thing that feels so bittersweet. I love the interaction with other adults and I enjoy the work that I do.... but it is difficult to be away from the family so much, especially spending two nights a week closing. It feels like I dont even see Ethan and Olivia on the days that I close, and by the time I get home Cliff is in his own routine- getting ready for bed and winding down. I am really struggling with the adjustment and although I am able to talk with people all day long... there are moments that I feel so alone.The feelings dont always weigh me down and I do have so many moments to laugh and smile and enjoy myself...But the other moments are there too.Moments when my heart is heavy, moments I dont know how to muster through... but I do. I push on, wondering when I will no longer have moments that feel like this.I guess the reality is that there will be many bittersweet moments to come in this life.
I have to learn to manage them, accept them, and face them. And this is what I am not sure how to do.

Back in the groove

2008-09-05T22:28:00.000-05:00

I am heading back to work on Monday and I am pretty nervous. I am also excited to be getting back to it... becuase I am happiest when I am busy and work keeps me very very busy.( not to mention all that social interaction!!!)
I am not quite the same person I was before I went out. I am now the mommy of three beautiful children and have once again got to practice some life skills that involve very little sleep, a crying person( a little one- but still crying!) and the fine art of communication. The practice of these life skills has given me a little bit more confidence when it comes to dealing with people( if i can learn to please and satisfy a baby that can't speak a word- imagine my newfound communication skills i can apply at work:) But also, there is another part of me that is not quite the same.I haven't seen most my co-workers in 11 1/2 weeks. The last time they saw me I was eight months preggo and exhausted! I cannot tell you what condition I was in when I went to work- including weither or not I was wearing contacts OR MAKEUP( oh the shame of it all! but seriously- at that time i did NOT care) I have lost all of my pregnancy weight( yippee!) but lets face it- I am not the skinny mini Barbie I once was- not even close.
So I took a deep breathe, winced as I pulled out the debit card and I went shopping! I got new clothes, new shoes, and made a last minute decision to get new hair. I wanted to go back to work and make a statement which is not "stay at home mom for the last 3 months- do these dress pants come in a stretchy cotton material like the sweat shorts i have on now? Will they go with flip flops?" but what I wanted to say is: " I am woman hear me rawr!" ( and not in a bra burning kind of way- but more of a" I am a professional and a hot mama!)
SO I did go a little more edgy with my hair- something that used to be typical of me back in my college days but not so much so in the last four years .....
I have decided I really like it- it looks FRESH!
Now if i could just get rid of the nervous jitters in my stomach and gain a calmness that matches my posh exterior... wink....

My new hair.........

And for those of you that are wondering just what two of the delights of my heart are up to... well here are a few photos taken this week.

here is Olivia on her daddy's lap

and Ethan trying to wear his dad's shoes.........

14 months

2008-09-04T04:18:00.000-05:00

Dear Faith,
Today you would be 14 months old. It is hard to picture what you would be like now. Perhaps an active toddler ambling around with spritely red curls and determined green? eyes. The truth is that its gotten increasingly harder these last few weeks without you. It all started about August 16th, your original due date from one year ago... of course this was the expected due date before we found out you were so sick.... and becuase of your sick body you came to us so much sooner. I think what really gets me down is when I start to think about some of the things that people say or imply about you and remembering you. I try not to listen to these things...try not to let others influence me... and I have to ask myself why they feel so compelled to try to influence the way I grieve when they have never lost a child themselves.... the truth is, baby girl, that part of this world wants me to just move on, to quit mourning you. They say I should remember you with joy only and be happy that you are in heaven with no more pain. And if I cant remember you with joy, perhaps its best to tuck your memory away. At the very least, I shouldnt be sharing it with the world. I should be living only for my living children.And it is my great hope that I can someday remember you with just the joy of knowing you... and not the pain of being seperated from you...But sometimes I wonder if that is a bit of a lofty goal? I keep trying though, becuase it is easier to live with courage and pray for God's strength than to throw the towel in. And how could I ever tuck your memory away??? Weither a child is alive or dead, as a parent, I think of each of my children a thousand times a day. My love for you didn't die with you.I watched a movie this last week called" We Are Marshall" It is a movie about grieving, about learning to live life after tragedy, having courage to move forward, and ultimately about creating a legacy and honoring the dead.( in the movie this came after many years)One of the characters tells the father of a boy who died in the movie " Nothing's going to change until you have the strength to face your pain." I had to stop when I heard that statement and really think about it. It reassured me that I am doing the right thing by remembering you and helping to create a legacy for you. It really hurts that you aren't here with me.... but I will continue to live life like a broken record if I don't face that pain and let your presence in my life change me into a better person. A more compassionate person I hope.. and more courageous too.One of the feelings that is hardest to live with and understand is the feeling that I can't do enough to take care of you. You have been gone almost 14 months and I still have such strong feelings that I need to take care of you. I still don't know what to do with those feelings but I try to pour them into other things. I ask myself how I am supposed to take care of a baby that isnt here( toddler now) and I don't have an answer to give myself. This is when I spend time working in your garden.... or pouring though your photos... or I start a new project around the house( like cleaning out the closet a few weeks ago.)Its been 14 months and the pain isnt any less... isnt any easier..... but I am learning how to deal with the pain.... and that is a start towards that lofty goal I have I guess.We still talk about you everyday. When Ethan and I pray at night we thank God for the time you were here. We show Olivia your photos and tell her a little about you. Someday we will share your full story with her when she is older. I will always wonder what life would be like for us if you were here... dream of being able to watch all three of my children grow..... and hope that I am honoring your memory in the best ways that I can.I love you so very very very very much dear one. kisses to you from afar.
Love, yours,mommy

myspace

2008-09-03T22:38:00.000-05:00